Sporehunt!

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Episode 1

T & M Productions, in conjunction with Xadium Studios and the SSSC

T & M Productions, in conjunction with Xadium Studios and the Suburban Senshi Signal Corps

Shamelessly present…

 

Suburban Senshi : Sporehunt

 

Episode One : Chibiusa and Helios Missing! The Insanity Begins!

 

By Solarchos

 

 

Author’s Note : The following story and its sequels are works of pure parody and fiction and do not represent actual views, attitudes, and feelings. Except in regard to Chibiusa Tsukino who needs to be summarily executed. Just about all of the characters portrayed in this are pretty much the property of someone else. They know who they are. I’m not stealing them; I’m just borrowing them for a little bit. Imitation and imagination are the sincerest forms of flattery.

 

 

It was business as usual at the home of the Suburban Senshi. Minako was her usual annoyingly perky self, humming happily as she cooked something in the kitchen for dinner. Hotaru was quietly reading “The Canterbury Tales” on the couch. Artemis was stretched out beside her, smiling contentedly as Hotaru idly scratched him behind the ears. Downstairs they could faintly hear the mad laughter of Professor Tomoe as he worked on yet another inexplicable experiment. Rei.Bot was elsewhere in the house, probably linked up to one of the computers and maintaining everyone’s favorite website. Haruka was out in the garage trying to remove a woodchuck that had gotten sucked into the carburetor of her latest sports car. Michiru was working on a new painting. Jedite was nowhere to be seen. And Dr. Xadium was still missing in Rappongi. Hotaru put down her book and sighed.

“You know,” she began, “It’s kinda boring around here without Xadium. I wish something would happen.”

“Careful what you wish for,” called out Minako as she pulled something out of the oven, “You just might forget it. Okay, dinner is served!” Artemis got up and quickly scampered over.

“Uhh, I don’t smell anything,” said Hotaru.

“Me neither,” added Artemis, “What were you cooking?”

“I cooked the biggest chicken I could find so everyone dig in!” said Minako happily as she ripped the aluminum foil off the platter and revealed her culinary creation for all to see…

…a completely raw 14-pound chicken. Everyone stared at it and sweatdropped.

“Oops!” said Minako, knocking on the side of her head and smiling, “I guess I forgot to turn on the oven. My bad!” She started laughing.

“Mina!” cried Artemis, “How could you forget something as important as that?!” Before Minako could reply, the front door opened and Jedite came inside.

“I hope you brought a pizza ‘cause dinner’s going to be late,” said Hotaru. Jedite walked into the den, holding a thickly padded envelope.

“No, it’s not a pizza,” replied the former Dark Kingdom general, “I’m not sure what this is.” Hotaru got up, walked over, and they both looked at it. It was an overnight certified mail Fed-Ex package to the “Suburban Senshi”, but there was no return address. Just then Haruka walked into the kitchen. She smelled the air, then stopped in her tracks.

“I thought dinner was cooking,” she began, “Why don’t I smell anything?” Artemis swatted Minako’s leg with a paw.

“Mihoshi here forgot to turn on the oven,” he explained. Minako smiled broadly and laughed a little, trying to look cute. Haruka noticed the Fed-Ex package Hotaru was holding.

“Well, it looks like we’re ordering out tonight,” said Haruka, “What’s that, Hotaru?” Hotaru shrugged.

“I don’t know,” she replied, “Jed brought it in. It’s addressed to us, but there’s no return address. It’s postmarked from yesterday.” Hotaru began to open it.

“DON’T!” shouted Haruka as she dropped to the floor and rolled underneath the table, “It might be a letter bomb from Nephrite! I knew he’d try something like this sooner or later!”

“Oh please,” retorted Hotaru as she ripped open the package and peered inside, “Okay, there’s a DVD box and a letter.” Everyone in the room gathered around Hotaru, curious as she began reading the letter aloud. “To the Suburban Senshi. Please enjoy the enclosed DVD movie we created for your viewing pleasure. We’re certain you’ll find our creative efforts worth your time. Our only request of you is that you ALL watch it at the same time…”

“What is it? A porno?” asked someone from behind them all. They turned around to see Prof. Tomoe standing behind them, grinning madly as usual.

“Papa, where did you come from?” asked Hotaru.

“I’ve got access to the internal cameras,” he replied, “Well secluded, I see ALL! Muahahahahahaha!” Haruka sweatdropped a little.

“Uhh, what do you mean by that?” she asked.

“Don’t worry Te’noe,” said Tomoe, “I won’t tell anyone about you and Michiru and that tub of Cool Whip. Muahahahahahaha!!” Jedite and Artemis recoiled a little and stared at Haruka.

“Papa!!” exclaimed Hotaru.

“So that’s what happened to all the Cool Whip,” said Minako. Hotaru sighed loudly and kept reading.

“Just so you know, we are the one’s responsible for the recent disappearance of Chibiusa and Helios…”

“WHAT??!!” exclaimed everyone. Hotaru continued reading.

“Again, we ask that ALL of you watch the movie in its entirety. All will be explained. Signed : M.A. of T & M Productions.”

“The spore’s missing, huh?” mused Jedite, “I really hadn’t noticed.”

“Maybe this is a snuff-film,” stated Tomoe. A few people were looking strangely at Minako.

“M.A.?” asked Haruka, “Minako Aino?” Minako shook her head.

“Not me! I don’t know anything about this.”

“I’m gonna find Michiru and Rei.Bot and get them down here,” said Artemis as he dashed upstairs. Hotaru pulled out the DVD box and examined it. The cover was a simple piece of paper upon which a VHS sticker had been affixed. Written on it in black marker was the title : SPOREHUNT.

“All right! It IS a snuff-film!” cried Jedite, “Hoody-hoo!” He and Tomoe high-fived each other.

 

Everyone sat in front of the huge widescreen TV that Haruka had bought a while ago…using money that was supposed to have been used for Hotaru’s birthday gift. Hotaru had received an issue of Newtype Magazine and Haruka later received a Silence Glaive in the butt. Haruka had pulled every can of beer, soda, and juice from the refrigerator, Jedite had made an emergency run to the nearest McDonald’s, and everyone else was anxiously waiting.

“The name is unknown…this “T and M Productions”…never heard of them,” intoned Rei.Bot.

“I’d like to know who this M.A. really is,” said Tomoe, “I wanna get their catalog! Muahahahahaha!” Michiru glanced at Minako.

“Can we trade places?” she asked Minako, “I’ve got a bad feeling he’s going to be laughing tonight. Often and vehemently.” Meanwhile, Haruka opened the DVD box. There were a total of four DVD’s, all marked “Sporehunt” and numbered. Taking a deep breath, she inserted the first disc and pressed “play” on the remote.

“Let’s get this party started,” she sighed.

“HELL YEAH!!!” screamed Jedite and Tomoe.

“Papa…” groaned Hotaru.

 

STAY TUNED FOLLOWING THIS MOVIE FOR SPECIAL OFFERS!

 

“HELL YEAH!!!” screamed Jedite and Tomoe, again. Michiru grabbed a pillow off the floor and swatted them both in the head with it.

 

THIS FILM HAS NOT BEEN RATED BY THE MOTION PICTURE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA…PRIMARILY BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO IDEA OF IT’S EXISTANCE AND ARE MERELY A PUPPET RUN BY THE RICH PRODUCERS IN HOLLYWOOD…

 

Hotaru nodded knowingly.

“See? See? I’ve been saying that all along.”

 

…THIS FILM CONTAINS SCENES OF INTENSE GRAPHIC VIOLENCE, FOUL LANGUAGE, ADULT THEMES, AND SITUATIONS INVOLVING YOUNG SCHOOLGIRLS AND TENTACLE MONSTERS…

 

“YES!!!” shouted Haruka. Michiru quickly thwapped her upside the head.

 

…VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. WEAK-WILLED, SQUEAMISH BUNGHOLES LEAVE THE ROOM NOW. PARENT WATCHDOG GROUPS CAN GO F&^% THEMSELVES. NYAH-NYAH.

GOD BLESS THE FOURTH AMENDMENT.

 

Everyone burst out into snickers.

“Talk about blowing their nose at authority,” said Minako.

“Screw those parent watchdog groups!” called out Haruka, “Preach on!”

“Weak-willed and squeamish? Okay, Hotaru, looks like you can’t watch this. See ya,” said Jedite. Without turning around Hotaru flipped off Jedite. “Oooo! Goth-girl’s getting feisty! If Helios was here he’d be getting pretty turned on by now.”

“Yeah, but he’s not here,” replied Hotaru, “I can’t wait to see what this is all about.”

 

The screen went blank for a second or so, then…

THE FOLLOWING IS A PUBLIC-SERVICE MESSAGE FROM T & M PRODUCTIONS…

 

Camera Point of View ( or C-Pov for short ) – frontal picture of the head and shoulders of none other than Usagi Tsukino’s smiling face.

“First of all, we must internalize the flatulation of the matter by transmitting the effervescence of the Senshisian proximity in order to further segregate the crux of my venereal infection,” explained Usagi, “Now if I may retain my fluids here for one moment I’d like to continue the redundance of my quote-unquote intestinal tract. You see, because to preclude on the issue of world domination would only circumvent, excuse me, circumcise the revelation that reflects the Anglo-disiatic symptoms, which now perpetuates the bishonens activation.” The camera slowly zoomed out, showing Usagi sitting at her desk in the middle of an empty classroom at school. The word “Detention” was prominently written on the blackboard. Miss Haruna sat at the main desk, slowly and repeatedly thudding her head against the surface of it as she slowly went insane. “Do not misinterpret the chauvanistic…”

“Give to the United Odango Scholarship Fund,” stated the female announcer, “Because a mind is a terrible thing to develop without help.” The exact same words appeared on the screen, framing Usagi’s face.

“Allow me to expose my colon once again,” stated Usagi as the camera zoomed in on her again, “The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the rectal cavity serves to be holistic, taken from the Latin word “jalapeno”…” The image froze, the camera zoomed out, and Usagi’s face was framed above the caption – Understand What the F%^$ You’re Talking About!

 

 

Everyone stared slack-jawed and face-faulting at the TV, their heads tilting slightly to the side. Faint wisps of smoke wafted from Rei.Bot’s ears.

“What the f#%$ was that?!” demanded Michiru loudly.

“Did these guys somehow invent a way to record an acid trip?” asked Artemis.

“Incontestable proof that Usagi Tsukino’s on crack!” added Haruka. Tomoe immediately burst out into mad laughter.

“People of Earth, your future Queen!” he shrieked, “Muahahahahahaha!!!” Minako reached over, grabbed one of Haruka’s beers, and proceeded to start drinking.

“I think I’m gonna need this,” she announced.

 

The screen went dark again for another second or so. Then pictures of eerie, dark buildings, alleyways, and deserted streets began showing. The song “The Beautiful People” by Marilyn Manson began playing. Every so often dark images of moving people appeared, only these went your usual salarymen and kids in school uniforms that were common to Tokyo. These were pictures of scary-looking people. Some were dressed in black clothing and lurked in shadowy alleys. One person was a red-haired girl in white shorts and a long-sleeved jacket with a long broad-bladed sword and a particularly demented grin on her face. Some were dressed in white bodysuits and wore black derby hats. Some looked like Mexican wrestlers with freaky masks and facepaint. A few looked like the Crazy 88’s from “Kill Bill, Volume 1”. All of them looked like total freaks.

T & M PRODUCTIONS…IN ASSOCIATION WITH XADIUM STUDIOS AND THE SSSC…SHAMELESSLY PRESENTS…SPOREHUNT

 

C-Pov – a dimly-lit room that was empty apart from a few cots and some bits of trash. Lying motionless on the cots were none other than Chibi-Usa ( dressed as Sailor Chibi-Moon ), Helios in his normal human form, Zoicite, FishEye in his famous “Michelin Tireman suit”, and Minako’s much-despised mascot Nako-Nako. All of them were wearing solid metal collars.

“Nako-Nako!!” cried Minako, sobbing a little, “Why does everyone hate her so much? She’s never done anything.”

“Except be born,” grumbled Jedite.

“She just wants to bring joy and love to the world!” continued Minako, “Everyone would love her if they just gave her a chance!”

“Remember that art challenge we had on the website back in March?” said Hotaru, “I think the Internet community made their opinion known. Nako had her chance and the world said “no”.”

“God, some of those pics were vicious,” commented Tomoe, “I loved them all!”

 

“Chibiusa…!” called out a female voice over a concealed microphone. The voice spoke with an accent that sounded Irish or Scottish. “Wake up. Wake up, fungus!” Chibiusa and her pals slowly began to stir. “Wake!! Up!!” Chibiusa suddenly sat up with a cry, startled. She looked around fearfully at her surrounding, obviously wondering where the hell she was and why the hell she was in a crappy deserted room with Helios, Zoicite, FishEye, and Nako-Nako. Then she noticed the collars they all wore and quickly realized she was wearing one, too. The camera quickly zoomed in on her as she began feeling the collar, trying to find the lock.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” stated the voice, “They’re all locked using a rather sophisticated lock that includes both electronic and mechanical systems. You can’t pick them.” Chibiusa leapt to her feet and began saying something ( loudly by the way her mouth was moving ) but no sound could be heard.

“Look on the floor at the center of the room,” advised the voice, “On that piece of cardboard you’ll find five ear-mike radios. Put them on.” Everyone slowly made their way over and took one.

“Uhh…hello? Is this thing working?” asked Zoicite.

“Certainly,” replied the voice, “I’m hearing you just fine.”

“You f#%$ing b@$tard!!” screamed Chibiusa, “You c&%*sucking, mother-f%#$ing, chicken-s^$% son of a b#%^h!! Who the f%$# do you…??!!” A huge deafening squeal of feedback ripped through their radios, making all five of them wince painfully. Even the Suburban Senshi watching in the comfort of their den cringed a little bit.

“Ye got quite a mouth there, don’t ya, little girl?” retorted the voice, “If ye must know my name, you can just call me M.A. or just M if you’d prefer. Those ear-piece radios will allow you to talk to each other and me and you’d better start liking it because I’m you’re only hope of getting out of this alive.” FishEye burst out into tears, sobbing.

“You fiend!” he whimpered, “Why are you doing this to us? We haven’t done anything except try to enslave or exterminate the people of this planet for the greater good!” Chibiusa and Helios both sweatdropped.

“Let me put it to you this way,” stated M.A. The camera zoomed in and focused on Chibiusa. “Chibiusa Tsukino, also known as Sailor Chibi-Moon or Reeny. Despised by millions of anime fans the world over. Very few anime characters have as many anti-shrines as you do. Bounty : 30000 dollars American.” The camera focused on Helios. “Helios, alias Pegasus, alias Horse-boy. Your crimes are multiple counts of pedophilia, promoting bestiality, and trying to convince the world you’re actually a rap artist when you sing worse than Milli-Vanilli. Bounty : 24000 dollars American.” The camera moved over to Zoicite. “Zoicite, also known as Zoi-boy. You’re wanted on multiple counts of aggravated assault, energy draining without a license, and the murder of one “Maxfield Stanton”. Bounty : 12000 dollars American.”

“Now wait just a second…!” objected Zoicite, “That was Nephrite and he’s not dead, dammit!” The camera moved over to FishEye, who was smiling nervously.

“FishEye, one of the infamous Amazon Trio,” continued M.A., “You’re also wanted on multiple counts of aggravated assault, indecent exposure, conspiracy to commit bodily harm to schoolgirls, and numerous animal rights groups as well as the humane society want to talk to you. Bounty : 9000 dollars American.” FishEye frowned and flipped off the camera. There were none of those fuzzy patches to cover up his extended middle finger. The camera moved sideways, then angled down and focused on Nako-Nako, who adjusted her little cowboy hat and shifted nervously.

 

Back at home, everyone leaned forward a little, eager to hear what Nako-Nako was wanted for.

 

“Little Nako-Nako…” announced M.A.

“Kupi?” asked Nako-Nako.

“You’ve got more skeletons in your closet than anyone else here. So many that I dare not say them out loud. However…” There was a slight click as M.A. changed frequencies so that only she and the others could hear what was being said…much to the Suburban Senshi’s disappointment. Chibiusa, Helios, Zoicite, and FishEye, however, were all visibly shaken by what they heard, and Nako-Nako burst out into tears.

“You did that?! You sick f#%$!!!” exclaimed Chibiusa. FishEye rushed over to the corner and threw up.

“The bounty out on you is 15000 dollars American…alive,” stated M.A., “30000 dollars DEAD!”

 

Back at home, everyone was staring at Minako in astonishment.

“What?” asked Minako.

“What in Metallia’s name did that little freak do to warrant a “double if dead” bounty?” demanded Jedite, “I really want to know.”

“I don’t know!” retorted Minako, “The agency just introduced her to me one day. I didn’t ask any questions. I didn’t look a gift donkey in the tail to see if it was pinned on!”

“She’s one sick psycho,” intoned Rei.Bot, “A la Hannibal Lector…Pokemon fillets.” Tomoe burst out into insane laughter.

 

“Just to refresh your hazy memories,” continued M.A, “Some friends of mine succeeded in capturing all of you a few hours ago but I managed to convince them to let you go. Mind you, it wasn’t easy, but I figured we could have some real fun with you morons and make more money than the bounties themselves. So, you’re all getting a second chance, another roll at the dice. As far as the world’s concerned you’re all @$$holes. Whatever fans you’ve got in the real world can’t help you here. You are all alone and on your own. Chibiusa, you’ve got your fuku and underneath your cot you’ll find your Luna-ball and that stupid, worthless Pink Sugar Heart Wand.” Chibiusa quickly looked down and saw what M.A. was talking about. She quickly grabbed her wand while the Luna-ball hovered over to her. “Now, do exactly what I tell you to and I promise this’ll all be over tonight. One way, or the other.” M.A. started laughing as the only door leading into the door suddenly unlocked and swung open.

C-Pov – Chibiusa and her “friends” left the door and walked out onto a deserted street. It was nighttime, and quite a few of the streetlights weren’t working. They looked around nervously. The image suddenly changed, showing the Suburban Senshi a different location. First they saw a deserted parking lot where a few young men dressed in ragged clothes and leather jackets were loitering around.

“Right now you’re in still in Juuban,” explained M.A., “But this place changes a whole lot once the sun goes down. The word on you is out. The streets are crawling with gangs trying to cash in on all of you. Most of them are scum…just like you!”

“F^%# you, b#^%h!” shouted Chibiusa. M.A. just laughed a little.

“These guys intend to hunt all of you down, kick your asses, and turn you over for the cash…” said M.A.

 

“I wish I’d been told me about this!” called out Jedite, “I wanna join in!”

“Me, too,” added Haruka. Everyone stared at her. “Come on! Just think of what we could do with all that cash!” Hotaru sighed and shook her head.

“You’re hopeless,” she grumbled.

 

The camera did a slow pan of a pale young girl with curly dark hair and a red and purple outfit standing near the top of some stairs, then it switched back to Chibiusa and her crew.

“The real people you need to worry about are going to start hunting you before much longer,” explained M.A., “They’ve labeled themselves the SporeHunters and you’d better start getting scared right now because they’re serious opposition. Those collars you’re all wearing ( close up of the collar Zoicite was wearing ) contain military-grade GPS transponders that I’ve set to transmit for one second once every twenty minutes. They’re accurate to within twenty feet. The SporeHunters are the only ones with the receiving systems calibrated to those collars. You’ve got a fifteen minute head-start, then those collars will make their first burst transmission…and then the SporeHunters will officially be on your tails.”

“Hey, you friggin’ ho, so what’s the hitch?” called out Helios, “Is there any way to win, you sadistic b#%*h?”

“Cut the rap, Sir Shits-a-Lot,” retorted M.A., “Of course there’s a way out…”

 

“Dammit!!!” cried Jedite, Tomoe, and Artemis. Minako thwapped Artemis on the back of his head.

“Artemis!” she cried.

“What? Do you think I actually like that fungus?” retorted Artemis, “Do you remember some of the things she did to me?”

“But those were all accidents!” said Minako.

“Accidents my fuzzy butt! She was trying to kill me!”

 

“…There’s a Fed-Ex post office several miles from where you are. If you can get there you’ll be home free. If you try to leave the designated “hunting preserve” I’ll let you know in no uncertain terms. If you actually ignore me and deliberately try to cheat then I’ll activate the collars for all-frequency continuous mode. The SporeHunters will know exactly where you are and you’ll be torn to shreds like a Pokemon plushie-doll against a riding lawn-mower. So don’t cheat, okay?”

“Screw you!” said Chibiusa.

“Shut up!” retorted FishEye, “I’m too pretty to be subjected to this sort of thing. Oh! What did I do to deserve this?!”

“Kupi? Kupi-kupi?” offered Nako-Nako. Nobody knew what the hell she meant so everyone ignored her.

“I’ll try to direct you as best I can,” explained M.A., “But other than that you’re on your own. Remember, in fifteen minutes the SporeHunters will begin chasing after you. You’ve got a head start; do not waste it.” Chibiusa took a step forward and struck a pose.

“Hah! I’m not afraid! I am Sailor Chibi-Moon, the future Princess of Crystal Tokyo! I’ll kick all their @$$es and then I’ll kick yours, too! The men’ll want to become my sex-slaves and you’ll be nothing but furniture in my palace, you f#%$in’ ugly b%^#h!!”

“Hell yeah!” added Helios, “I’m gonna track you down, beat yo @$$, and make you surrender…in many different ways! Word up!” M.A. just laughed.

“I hope the SporeHunters fail to catch you,” she retorted, “I’d love to beat the everloving crap out of both of you. Anyway, are you ready? Camera…action!”

 

“Who the heck is this girl?” asked Michiru.

“I don’t know but I’m really starting to like her,” said Jedite.

“I hope we actually get to see that fight!” cried Tomoe, “Muahahahahahahaha!”

 

Chibiusa and her crew began to walk slowly down the deserted street, nervously eyeing every shadow. After a few seconds the scene faded to black. The words “Meanwhile…” appeared center screen.

C-Pov – the outside of the restaurant where Unazuki worked. Standing near the front door were Rei Hino and Usagi Tsukino. Both were wearing their school uniforms, but Usagi was also wearing a dark leather jacket and carrying a backpack.

“Mother-mother-f^$#, mother-mother-f^$%-f^$%,” sang Rei, “Motherf&^#, motherf^%$, noise noise noise! One-two! One two three four! Noise-noise-noise! Smokin’ weed, smokin’ weers, drinkin’ Coke, drinkin’ beers! Drinkin’ beers, beers, beers! Rollin’ fatties, smokin’ blunts! Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts! Rollin’ blunts, and smoking…” She stopped singing as Usagi tapped her on the arm a few times and pointed at two schoolboys that were walking towards them. The two boys glanced around nervously.

“Are you the two girls selling that stuff?” asked one of the boys. Rei smiled.

“Maybe,” relied Rei, “What do you need?”

“We need two reports on American History, like right now,” said the other boy. Rei smiled and knocked on Usagi’s bookbag. Usagi opened it, revealing a whole bunch of term papers, notes, and school reports. All of them were signed by Ami Muzino : Rei and Usagi were selling Ami’s old school papers on the black market. They quickly flipped through the stacks of papers and found the section on history classes. “Cool! How much?”

“Fifteen bucks, little man, put that cash, in my hand,” rapped Rei, “If that money doesn’t show then you owe me, owe me, owe!”

“My jungle love!” sang Usagi.

“Oh-ee-oh-ee-oh!” sang both girls as they started boogying, “I think I wanna know ya, know ya…!” Rei and Usagi high-fived each other.

“What the heck are you two singing?” asked one of the boys.

“You don’t know “Jungle Love”?” asked Rei, “That song is the mad-note, kid! Written by Queen Serenity herself and handed down to the greatest band in the world : the motherf^%$ing Time!”

“You mean that band that was in that Prince movie?” asked boy #2. Usagi pointed at him and nodded.

“Purple Rain,” she said.

“That movie was so lame,” commented the boy, “Dumb American 80’s crap!” Rei and Usagi glanced at each other, then grabbed the offending kid and threw him up against the wall.

“Don’t you ever say an unkind word about the Time!” shouted Rei, pressing her face in close, “We model our whole lives around Morris Day and Jerome! I’m the smooooooth Shinto pimp-mommy loooooooves the hunkies, and Silent Usa’s my non-black female manservant! Word up!” The camera swiveled slightly as Lead Crow and Aluminum Siren, dressed in their “mafia outfits”, walked up to the door of the restaurant.

“Hey! Leave those kids alone and get the hell outta here,” snarled Lead Crow while Aluminum Siren went inside, “And just so you know the Time sucked @$$.” She went inside. The camera swung back around to face Rei and Silent Usa, both of whom looked pretty pissed off.

“You guys wanna hear something messed up about those two?” asked Rei.

 

C-Pov – the inside of the restaurant at one of the larger tables where a small group of people were sitting, finishing up a meal. All of the other patrons in the place were giving them a wide berth.

 

“What?!” demanded Haruka, “I wanna know about Crow and Siren!” Michiru glanced at her, her eyebrow twitching a little.

“Uh, what for, pray tell?” inquired Michiru, her voice thick with suspicion.

“Ssshhhh!” called out Hotaru.

 

The camera focused in on the first guy. They could see he was a tall young male American, Caucasian, with fair skin, coppery hair, and blue-green eyes. He wore a close-fitting dark body suit that had reinforced pads on his thighs, shoulders, and forearms, a heavy Kevlar full-torso armor vest, combat boots, and had a Kevlar combat helmet with a ballistic visor on the table before him. The image froze for a moment : the word “Solarchos” appeared on the screen. Then everything went back to normal. He was drinking the last of a glass of soda and eating a military MRE.

“Hmph,” he commented, “That was really good. I need to remember this place.”

“How can you eat that stuff?” asked the next person over from him. The camera swiveled to show someone rather famous in Tokyo : Seiya Kou, also known as Sailor Star Fighter. Seiya was in female form and wearing a dark overcoat, dark glasses, and a quiet b&$#hy attitude. The pony-tailed former idol idly stirred a cup of coffee. “Besides, how much longer are we going to wait?” A balled-up napkin bounced off Seiya’s forehead.

“Jeez, you could b&^%h about anything!” complained a tall young male American wearing army camouflage clothing. Various combat knives and a black Desert Eagle .50 AE pistol were tucked into his belt. The image froze for a moment as the caption “Wolfwood” appeared, then everything resumed. Wolfwood continued to eat his “dinner” which consisted of a Coors light and an expired bottle of Kikkoman soy sauce. “Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to finish of my tasty inebriating beverage and my lightly salted Chinese condiment.” Seiya shook her head.

“You freelancers are so weird,” she grumbled.

“What’s a freelancer?” asked the next third guy at the table. The camera swiveled to him and froze, the name “Jupiter Knight” appearing on the Sub-Sen’s TV screen. Then everything resumed. Jup.Knight was a tall, sandy-haired Westerner wearing a rather noble-looking, embroidered uniform, almost like the kind of dress uniform worn by the British Royal Marines. Slung behind his back was a sheathed katana and an even larger two-handed sword. A matched pair of laser pistols were holstered on his thighs and a combat pulse-laser rifle laid on the table.

“Freelancers are like mercenaries,” replied Solarchos, “We generally do all kinds of odd-ball jobs and dirty deeds for large amounts of cash.”

“Kinda like your mom at the end of the month when the rent’s due, huh?” retorted Seiya, smirking a little. Solarchos and Wolfwood both chucked more balled-up napkins at her in retaliation.

“Didn’t you used to drive a Ninja?” asked the second girl in the group, addressing Wolfwood. “Starcat” was a Korean girl of average height. She was dressed exactly like the witch Mimet, with the tight orange stockings, black bra top and skirt, and orange, curly hair, but unlike Mimet her eyes were dark brown and her hair was black at the roots. She wore a pair of long white ceramic elbow blades and a couple of bulging purses. “Didn’t you used to have a money-roll that could make Snoop Dog jealous?”

“I’ve evolved into something higher,” replied Wolfwood, “Of which things like motorcycles and money aren’t required. I think she’d appreciate that.”

“I presume you’re speaking of Hotaru?” asked Jup.Knight. Wolfwood nodded.

“Come on, Wolfwood,” said a young male Westerner with dirty blond hair and dark blue eyes who was wearing a Japanese schoolboy uniform. The subsequent freeze-frame identified him as “Adam”. Adam’s katana was sheathed behind his back and a long mace-and-chain identical to what Go-Go used in “Kill Bill” was on the floor by his feet. “You’ve never even met Hotaru before. All you’ve done is tap her computer and phone lines, taken surveillance photos from afar, staked out her house, and basically stalked her. How the heck do you know what she wants?”

“It’s kinda hard to explain,” replied Wolfwood as he took a swig of soy sauce, “I can tell what she’s thinking just by looking at her. It’s like a spiritual connection.”

 

At the Sub-Sen home, Hotaru was sweatdropping big time, her eyebrow twitching madly. Behind her Professor Tomoe was laughing maniacally.

“Tapped my…!?” stammered Hotaru, “Took photos of…!?”

“Oh, Hotaru!” said Minako, cheerfully, “You’ve finally got a fan! Not nearly as many as me, but it’s a start.”

“Quiet,” hissed Hotaru.

“Hotaru and Wolfwood sitting in a tree…” chanted Jedite, “F-U-C…”

“Shut up!!” shouted Hotaru.

“My little girl’s growing up so fast!” cried Tomoe, “Soon she’ll be dating, then kissing boys, then she’ll be starring in her first porno! Oh, I’m so happy!”

“SILENCE!!” screamed Hotaru.

“Why’s this guy going after Hotaru, anyway?” asked Michiru, “Hotaru’s just a skinny, bookworm Goth-queen. I mean, she’s hardly stalk-worthy…” Hotaru turned around to face them, her eyes glowing faintly and the symbol of Saturn glowing on her forehead. The Silence Glaive was gripped tightly in her hand.

“The next person to say anything shall feel the silence…” she warned.

“Eep!” said everyone.

 

“You gave up a top-of-the-line motorcycle, a big-@SS house in Los Angeles, and major mercenary contracts just for a dubious spiritual connection?” asked Solarchos as he pulled on his gloves, “Are you nuts?” Wolfwood shrugged.

“Probably,” he said.

“So what do you guys do? Really,” asked Starcat.

“Depends on who you ask,” said Solarchos, “You’ll hear everything from smuggler, gunsmith, fixer, battlemech designer, and freelance Youma hunter to I’m planning to overthrow the future world government and I’ve got enough stockpiled military hardware to personally invade Baghdad. Wolfwood kinda does the same thing. He hunts down and exterminates unnatural creatures that shouldn’t be allowed to exist.”

“What? Like Pauly Shore and Carrot Top?” asked Adam. Wolfwood nodded.

“Yup, pretty much,” he replied.

“So that’s why we’re here, huh?” asked Seiya, “We’re going hunting?” Solarchos nodded and stood up.

“Some friends of mine have organized some games tonight,” he explained, “Something we’ve all been planning and waiting for for quite some time. All the arrangements have been made. I just wish we could’ve gotten a larger group.” Jup.Knight shrugged.

“Well, Yinggirl’s kinda in hiding after that Final Fantasy / Lord of the Rings crossover she did,” he said, “She sends her regards, though.”

“Tonight we’re bringing down some seriously f^%$ed up people once and for all,” continued Solarchos, “Tonight…the pink-haired sugar-demon and her Horse-boy toy are going down.” Everyone became visibly excited.

“It’s a go?” asked Starcat, “Sporehunt start’s tonight?!” Solarchos nodded. Everyone started high-fiving each other. Just then Lead Crow and Aluminum Siren walked into the place. They quickly spotted Solarchos and the others and walked over. Crow’s and Siren’s smiles faltered a little and their eyebrows twitched as they saw Seiya. Seiya just flipped them off.

“Konichi-wa, Solarchos-san!” said Siren, “I hope you’re doing well tonight.” Meanwhile, Crow smiled and dropped a pair of car-keys on the middle of the table.

“They’re parked out back and everything’s ready to go,” said Crow, “You sure you don’t need any additional help? We’d be happy to help you.” Solarchos smiled a bit and shook his head.

“What’s out back?” asked Adam.

“Our special-purpose Sporehunting transportation,” replied Solarchos, “I managed to get a hold of some high grade military vehicles just for this.”

“I was kinda hoping to do this solo,” said Wolfwood, “You know, cruise around, do the solo sniper / ghost recon thing…take out Helios with a high-caliber sniper round to the head and all.”

 

Back at the Suburban Senshi’s place, Hotaru sighed.

“Oh, how I wish that could be arranged,” she groaned, “Oh, how I wish that horny bunghole could meet with a fate like that. His skull vacated of contents by a high-powered armor-piercing rifle bullet. Would that I could see Helios’ head snap backwards as the back of his head explodes like a miniature volcano venting a fine red mist interspersed with satisfyingly large chucks of bone. Would that I could be there to experience that moment of sudden crystalized terror to see the long slow fall of his lifeless body, to hear the great thump of his corpse striking the ground, breaking that awful silence…” Meanwhile, everyone was staring at Hotaru with wide eyes.

“Okay, Hotaru,” stated Jedite, “Just stop right there because I’ve heard some messed-up s#!t and you’re starting to scare ME!”

“Ahh, you’re just not drunk enough,” commented Haruka as she opened her third beer.

 

“Sorry, this is going to be a group operation,” continued Solarchos, “My friend was insistent about that. The bounties will be split six ways so everyone’s going to come away with some pocket change at the very least.”

“I don’t care about the money that much,” stated Jup.Knight, “All that matters is that the Spore goes down!”

“Hell yeah!” added Adam. Meanwhile, Siren reached under her coat and pulled out a bag. Placing it on the table, she opened it, revealing a pair of GPS receivers with LCD screens.

“We set them for twenty minute intervals,” she explained, “There’s a countdown timer in the corner of each display and they’re both loaded with the latest updated versions of the Tokyo streetmaps.”

“Accurate as of this morning and we got them straight from the Tokyo PD’s database, so they’re pretty accurate,” added Lead Crow, “Barring the usual urban renewal caused by rampaging EVA’s, out-of-control mechas, earthquakes, alien invasions, and rioting Puuchuu’s.” Everyone nodded knowingly. Solarchos switched on the GPS units and looked at the areas displayed.

“The red dots indicate the last known location of the targets,” explained Siren, “Right now they’re somewhere in downtown Juuban.”

“Cool, now let’s get out there and clobber that pink spore!” cried Seiya. Everyone yelled in agreement, jumped to their feet, grabbed their stuff, and proceeded to leave. Just then the two boys who’d been buying black-market school papers came in. They saw Crow and Siren and immediately burst out laughing. Crow regarded them curiously while Siren reached down, grabbed Jup.Knight’s leftover beef noodles, and started eating.

“Hey, how was the service?” called out one of the boys.

“What service?” replied Crow, a little confused.

“Yeah, what service?” asked Seiya.

“The one those two had last week at the Unitarian Church where they got married to each other!” replied the other boy.

“WHAT??!!” screamed Lead Crow. Everyone else in the restaurant immediately stopped what they were doing and stared at Crow and Siren.

“Rei said that the two of them had a Star Wars theme wedding and were dressed up like Imperial Stormtroopers,” continued boy #1, “And she said she’s the butch…” He pointed at Aluminum Siren. “…and she’s the b!^*h!” He pointed at Lead Crow.

 

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!!!” shrieked Michiru, tears streaming from her eyes as she and everyone else at home began screaming with laughter. Beer sprayed from Haruka’s mouth. Then she hit the floor, laughing hysterically.

 

“I’M THE B!^*H?!” shouted Lead Crow. Half the people in the restaurant were already on the floor laughing their butts off. The other half were about ready to join them. The SporeHunters were barely able to keep straight faces. Even Solarchos had sat back down, covering his mouth with both hands, but it was obvious by the way his shoulders were hitching that he was about to crack up. “I’M THE B!^*H?!”

“Well, if were really were gay and married, that’s kind of how I’d see it happening,” said Siren as she swallowed some noodles. Crow gave her a dirty look.

“Uh-oh, looks like the honeymoon’s over!” snickered one of the boys.

“All right, that’s it!!” shouted Crow. She snatched up Adam’s “Go-Go mace & chain”. “You b@$^@&ds are f^%$ing dead!!” The two boys ran out of the restaurant while Solarchos and Adam quickly grabbed Crow, preventing her from running after them.

 

Lead Crow was the first to leave the restaurant. Storming outside, she looked around, trying to find Rei and Silent Usa, but they were long gone. Siren and the SporeHunters came out a second later.

“They’re all gassed up and fully loaded,” Siren was saying as she led Solarchos and the others around the building to the parking lot, “And the care packages are all ready, too.”

“Care packages?” asked Starcat, “I hope mine comes with cookies!”

“So what…WHAT THE…?!” cried Jup.Knight.

C-Pov – the camera swung around and centered on a pair of vehicles that looked like large, heavily-armored jeeps. The vehicles were obviously off-roaders, the tires were partially protected by armor plates, and in the back of each vehicle was a pintle-mounted 15mm heavy machine gun. The “Special Ops Squad intro music” from “Resident Evil” began playing in the background.

Sitting in the middle of the parking lot were a pair of M12 Warthog light recon vehicles. Direct from the PC game “Halo”.

 

“Daaaaaammmmnnn!” exclaimed Haruka, “Warthogs! These guys got all the cool stuff!”

“Calm down, Haruka,” urged Minako.

“Those things got off-road suspension, ram bars, titanium armor…” Haruka started getting a crazed look in her eyes. “…Machine gun! Oh, the things I could do…!” Michiru whipped out a harisen “whack-wand” and smacked Haruka in the head with it twice.

“That’s enough out of you,” she ordered.

 

A loon-like squeal of delight came from Wolfwood as he dashed towards one of the Warthogs and jumped into the driver’s seat.

“Oh my god…!” he cried, “It’s so beautiful!” Adam and Seiya climbed aboard the Warthog, with Seiya getting into the side seat and Adam taking control of the machine gun with a loud cackle.

“I’ve got the other machine gun!” shouted Jup.Knight as he and Starcat rushed towards the other Warthog.

“Okay, what’s everyone got in the way of equipment?” called out Solarchos as he walked over to his Warthog and started rummaging around in the back.

“I’ve got my Desert Eagle .50-cal and a Beretta 9mm equipped with a silencer and a laser sight,” called out Wolfwood, “Plus I’ve got five clips for each, three knives, and three claymore mines.”

“I’ve got my katana,” stated Jup.Knight, “The Jupiter Sword, two Imperial Guard x-ray frequency pulse-laser pistols, a Republic-standard x-ray laser rifle, and a couple extra power cells for the pistols.”

“I’ve got a hunting knife for close-in work,” announced Seiya, “A Beretta 9mm pistol, a USP .45 just like Lara Croft used in the movies, and a Desert Eagle .50 Magnum, and some extra clips for all of ‘em.”

“I’ve got Sakura…” Adam motioned towards his katana. “My “Go-Go Migrane-Master”…” He pointed at his mace & chain. “And I’ve got a Glock-17 for back-up.”

“I’ve got all of you beat,” said Starcat, “I’ve got my Talim crescent blades from “Soul Calibur 2” and twenty…count ‘em…TWENTY Covenant plasma grenades! You know, the kind that latch onto you and don’t let go?”

“Cool!” called out Jup.Knight, “Looks like you’re the official Sporehunt supplier of plasma grenades!”

“So what are you bringing on the hunt, Solarchos?” asked Wolfwood. Solarchos smiled.

“For weapons I’ve got an M870 12-gauge shotgun with laser sights, my Ares Predator 10mm pistol with laser sights, and direct from “Halo” a UNSC MA5B assault rifle fitted with a collimator sight. All of my guns are fitted with gas-vent recoil compensators, the shotgun’s loaded with stun rounds, and the pistol’s loaded with depleted-uranium armor-piercers. I’ve also got a can of OC pepper spray, two combat knives, and three M84 flash-bang grenades. I’ve got a few other odds and ends in my equipment harness, too. For armor I’ve got my Van Saar hostile environment suit, anti-knife gloves, a Second Chance Hardcorps vest, and a combat helmet with a ballistic visor. Oh, and I’ve got six extra clips for both my pistol and rifle. For the shotgun I’ve got 56 shells on my bandoleer and an addition twelve shells in brackets attached to the stock. I’m ready to kick names and take ass!” Everyone stared at him.

“Jeez!” cried Lead Crow, “You’re just going after Chibiusa, not invading Shadow Galactica!”

“All of a sudden I feel decidedly under-equipped,” commented Starcat.

“That’s all right,” chirped Siren, “That’s what the care packages are for! The director thought you all might need some additional help so she threw some stuff together for you.” Siren went over to Solarchos and helped him pull out five duffle bags.

“Everyone take one,” said Solarchos. The other SporeHunters quickly came over and picked bags at random.

“What about you?” asked Adam.

“Don’t worry,” replied Solarchos, “I’m almost over-equipped, so I don’t need any extra help.” The camera zoomed in a little as everyone opened the bags and began examining the contents. Inside the bags were a mixture of equipment. All of the bags contained a military-style equipment harness with plenty of pouches, a flashlight, a short-range multi-frequency radio with an ear-piece receiver, a small survival pack, a roll of cufftape, a survival knife that was freshly sharpened to near “scalpel” level, fifty American dollars for expenses, and one or two other things.

Jup.Knight had gotten a light armor vest and an aluminum baseball bat. Wolfwood had also gotten some light body armor but instead of a bat he’d gotten a steel-cored police tonfa. Starcat had received an aluminum baseball bat and a dart pistol which fired tranquilizer darts. Adam cackled maniacally as he found the six flash-bang grenades that had been tucked into his web belt’s pouches. Seiya lucked out : in her bag she found a fully-loaded HK MP5 9mm submachine gun with four extra clips.

“All right!” stated Adam, “Can we keep all this stuff?” Solarchos nodded.

“Consider it a gift from the director of Sporehunt,” he stated.

“Cool! Respect mah authori-tah, Horse-boy!!” shouted Wolfwood as he whipped out his new tonfa and made a slow practice swing into Jup.Knight’s leg.

“Oh yeah! Oh yeah!” hissed Starcat as she aimed her needle pistol, “I’m gonna nail that pink be-otch right in the @$$!” She then glanced at her new bat and a deranged grin slowly spread across her face. “Heh. Heh-heh! Beat on the brat! Beat on the brat! Beat on the brat with a baseball bat! Oh yeah…!” Starcat grabbed the handle with both hands and took a practice swing, laughing evilly as she imagined it smashing into the side of Chibiusa’s head. Meanwhile, Solarchos was hooking up one of the GPS units into his Warthog while Lead Crow hooked up the other in Wolfwood’s vehicle. Solarchos finished and turned around…and facefaulted.

“What the…?!”

C-Pov – The other five SporeHunters and Siren had somehow gotten a hold of a near life-size Chibiusa doll and were viciously annihilating it, nailing it with kicks, bats, tonfas, and knives. Needless to say, the Chibiusa doll didn’t stand a chance.

“Beat on the brat! Beat on the brat! Beat on the brat with a baseball bat!” they all chanted. The lyrics, complete with a little bouncing ball to help keep the beat, appeared at the bottom of the screen.

 

Back in the Suburban Senshi’s den, Tomoe and Jedite were happily singing along.

“Papa!” exclaimed Hotaru.

“I can’t help it!” replied Tomoe, “It’s one of those songs that gets inside your head and doesn’t go away!”

“I’m not complaining,” retorted Jedite, “It’s the kind of song I could listen to all day!” Artemis had somehow gotten a hold of a Chibiusa plushie doll and was chewing the hell out of it. Haruka was grinning viciously, enjoying the sights. Michiru, Rei.Bot, and Minako just sweatdropped.

“You people are all psychedelic!” exclaimed Minako, “You all need serious help!”

 

“Okay!” shouted Wolfwood, “Let’s get this Sporehunt started!” Meanwhile, Solarchos grinned triumphantly.

“We’ve got the first signal!” he announced, “They’re all located in downtown Juuban. The Hunt is on!”

“Hoody-hoo!” shouted everyone. Solarchos, Starcat, and Jup.Knight boarded one Warthog ( which had a Ryo-ohki plushie tied to the front ram bar ). Wolfwood, Seiya, and Adam got into the other Warthog ( which had a Luna plushie tied to the front ). Ignition keys were turned, and the Warthog’s powerful engines roared to life. Adam and Jup.Knight laughed evilly as they took control of the machine guns. Starcat pulled a plasma grenade from a pouch while Seiya aimed her new SMG out the side. Siren and Crow waved and smiled happily at them all.

“Have fun and be safe!” called out Siren.

“Nail the sugar-spore for us all!” yelled Crow, “We’re all counting on you!” Solarchos waved back while Wolfwood stomped on the accelerator. His Warthog lurched forward and tore out of the parking lot, followed closely by Solarchos. Making a sharp, screeching turn that would’ve made Eudial proud, the SporeHunters sped towards the Juuban district.

The scene changed, revealing the inside of a darkened room containing dozens of TV monitors. One monitor showed the SporeHunters tearing through the streets of Tokyo towards Juuban. Another monitor showed Chibiusa and her “crew” walking slowly down a dark, deserted street. Someone began laughing in the shadows. A female form walked out into the center of the place, silhouetted against the light from the TV’s, but everyone watching could tell she had long hair and a shapely figure.

“The Sporehunt has officially begun,” she stated, “Kami-sama help them all!” She started laughing again.

 

M.A.’s laughter was echoed by the mad laughter of Professor Tomoe, who was practically going nuts.

“I think I’m in love!” exclaimed Tomoe.

“We haven’t even seen her yet,” retorted Haruka.

“We don’t have to!” replied Tomoe, “Don’t you believe in soul mates? She’s tall, she’s twisted, and she looks great in shadows! She’s perfect! Muahahahahahaha!” Meanwhile, Jedite was examining the DVD box closely.

“What are you looking for?” asked Michiru.

“A phone number,” replied Jedite, “Maybe this is like “American Idol” and you can phone in what you want the SporeHunters to do when they capture someone. I wanna see them put one of those flash-bang grenades down Helios’ pants!” Michiru sighed in disgust.

“That is the most stupid…” she began. She trailed off when Haruka leapt to her feet and started looking around the room. “What are you looking for?”

“The package the movie came in!” replied Haruka, “Maybe the phone number’s inside the envelope!” Hotaru flopped onto her back with a groan.

“That M-girl’s right,” she groaned, “Kami-sama help us all.”

It was the beginning of a long, loud, and demented night.

 

 

End of Part One.

 

 


Episode 2

T & M Productions, in association with Xadium Studios

T & M Productions, in association with Xadium Studios

And the Suburban Senshi Signal Corps

Shamelessly Present…

 

Suburban Senshi : Sporehunt

Episode 2 : Chibiusa Opens the Doorway to Heck!

 

“Hurry up, Jedite!” shouted Haruka. A moment later there came the unmistakable sounds of a toilet flushing. Jedite sprinted into the den, nearly tripping over his pants as he zipped them back up.

“All right, I’m back!” he replied breathlessly, “C’mon, now play it! Play it! Play it!” Michiru looked at Jedite a little strangely.

“Uh, you did remember to wipe, didn’t you?” she asked him. Jedite glanced at her, then he started grinding his teeth a little.

“Aaahhh, dammit!” snapped Jedite. Tomoe and Artemis both burst out laughing.

“Come on,” urged Minako, “Hurry up and continue!” Everyone leaned in a little as Haruka continued the DVD.

 

C-Pov – a deserted, dimly lit street. Chibiusa was happily skipping down the middle of the street with the Lunaball and Nako-Nako following behind her. Helios, FishEye, and Zoicite were moving along the side of a building, trying to stay in the shadows.

“Hey! You stupid brat!” called out Zoicite over their radio, “What are you doing?” Chibiusa stopped and looked over at them.

“I’m just walking down the street, dumb@$$,” she retorted, “What’s your problem?”

“You’re walking out in the middle of the street like nothing’s wrong, that’s my problem!” replied Zoicite, “We’ve got these damn GPS collars, no magic, and lots of people hunting us!”

“Yeah!” added FishEye, “Are you trying to get us caught?!” Chibiusa waved them off dismissively.

“I’m Sailor Chibi-Moon. Everyone loves me. All we’ve gotta do is wait until help arrives.” Over the radio came the loud sound of muffled laughter from M.A.

“Uhh…lemme put it to you this way, Flamingo-girl,” she advised, “I think you can forget about anyone else coming to help you.”

 

The scene changed, showing a busy Tokyo street. Standing on the sidewalk, happily strutting around, were Annapuma and Unapuma from “Dominion Tank Police”. Both cat-girls were wearing black sports shorts, b!^*hin’-cool motorcycle jackets, and were eagerly holding up signs proclaiming “Honk if you hate Chibiusa!” as well as a picture of Chibiusa’s face.

Not surprisingly, there was a lot of honking going on.

 

The scene changed again, showing a slow aerial flyby of a large billboard. Questis Trepe, Tifa Lockhart, Paine, Rikkuo, and Yuna ( from Final Fantasies 7, 9, and 12 ) were nearly finished putting up a huge sign showing Chibiusa lying on her back in spreading pool of blood, her eyes glassy and vacant, her face slack, and her chest torn up from multiple gunshots wounds. The billboard’s caption boldly proclaimed : “Sporehunt. This Summer – Pink is Red.” The FF girls all waved happily as the camera flew past.

 

“Damn!!” yelled Tomoe, “Where the heck is all of this going on?! I wanna go there!”

“Yes, me too!” added Haruka. Michiru quickly thwapped Haruka upside her head once again. “Ow! Hey! What’d you do that for?”

“Because you’ve got “that look” on your face again,” replied Michiru.

 

The scene changed once again, showing a well-lit baseball field. The entire Dark Moon Clan and the Witches 5 were having a baseball game. The camera zoomed in on the pitcher’s mound where Kaorinite was preparing to pitch at Esmeraude, who was on plate.

 

“Since when have Esmeraude or Kaorinite ever played any kind of sports? What’s going on here?” demanded Hotaru.

“Kaorinite did so play sports,” said Jedite, “She used to play “marathon annoyance” with you every day, didn’t she?” Hotaru just grumbled.

“Kaori-kun also likes volleyball,” added Tomoe, “I love to watch her spike the ball! I just LOVE to watch the bounce! Muahahahahahaha!!” Artemis leaned over towards Minako.

“I don’t think he’s talking about volleyballs any more, is he?” asked Minako. Artemis just shook his head.

 

Kaorinite made the throw. The camera zoomed in on the ball…or rather, the Chibiusa plushie doll that was being used as the ball. Esmeraude swung the bat, nailing the Chibi-plushie hard, sending it flying high into the air. It flew high into the air…and was promptly torn to shreds as the rest of the DMC and the Witches 5 pulled out guns and started shooting at it. The people in the bleachers went nuts…and there was much rejoicing.

 

“HELL YEAH!!!” screamed Jedite and Tomoe, headbanging energetically.

 

The scene changed back to a befuddled Chibiusa.

“How would you know if anyone’s coming to help me?” she asked into the radio.

“Oh…trust me,” replied M.A., “I know.” M.A. tried to hold back more laughter. “Anyway, you bozos better start moving faster. The SporeHunters are now officially on the move towards you.”

“What?!” demanded FishEye, “It’s been fifteen minutes already?! But I’m still such a mess!”

“Maybe if you hadn’t wasted all that time looking in that mirror we found back there we would’ve covered some more ground!” snapped Helios, “All of you Amazons were so obsessed with mirrors it’s not even funny!”

“All of you shut up!” hissed Zoicite as he pointed ahead at an abandoned bus, “I think I see something moving up ahead.” Everyone stopped moving and stared ahead. A gentle wind rustled through some of the trash on the street, but nothing else was happening.

“I thought you said you saw something moving?” asked Chibiusa. Zoicite blinked at her, confused.

“Uhh, isn’t that what you’re supposed to say in situations like this?” he asked. A moment later Zoicite was knocked onto his butt as Chibiusa flung the Lunaball at him, nailing him squarely in the face.

 

“YEAH!!” shouted Jedite, “Kick his @$$!”

“Is Zoicite really that dumb?” asked Hotaru. Jedite nodded.

“As dumb as Gourry from “Slayers”,” he replied. Everyone cringed.

“Oooo! That’s bad,” commented Haruka.

 

Chibiusa and her “friends” ( and we use the term very loosely ) continued walking towards the bus. It was parked diagonally across the road, forcing them to walk around it. Nako-Nako paused to look down at something…

 

“POW!!!” shouted Haruka, “Direct hit through the head from a sniper!”

“Uhh, there aren’t any snipers in this,” replied Hotaru.

“Dammit!” snapped Haruka, “I wanna see some head shots!”

“I don’t want to see any head shots,” said Michiru, “I want to see them all get blown to pieces by a laser-guided bomb!” Jedite burst out laughing.

“I’ll corrupt you, yet!” he commented.

 

“Kupi?” called out Nako-Nako, “Kupi-kupi?” The others came over to see what she’d found.

“A plastic bag from Wal-Mart?” demanded Zoicite, “This Pokemon-reject’s wasting our time over a plastic bag?”

“Actually,” replied M.A., “That’s a weapon. One of many you’ll need to get through this night alive.” FishEye picked it up.

“A plastic bag? How the heck are we supposed to use this as a weapon?” he asked.

“Well, figure it out quick,” replied M.A., “Because you’re going to have to start fighting soon. Further down the street you’ll see a staircase going down between tow buildings towards a basketball court. Go there.” Chibiusa and her gang ( let’s just call them the Spores ) carefully walked further down the street. It didn’t take long to find the place M.A. was talking about.

The staircase was directly ahead. Standing near the top of it was a single young lady with curly dark hair wearing a skirted red and purple outfit. She was looking down the stairs at the basketball court below. The girl crossed her arms and began tapping her foot a little.

“I just don’t understand why I have to stand here and do nothing,” she mumbled to herself.

“All right, spore-child. Listen up,” advised M.A. The Spores stopped and listened intently, eager to hear what was up. “You see that girl standing there?” Everyone nodded. “Nail her!”

Helios rushed forward at the girl, followed closely by Chibiusa. Chibiusa was dribbling the Lunaball as she ran.

“Lunaball kitty magic!” she shouted. With one last smack she bounced the Lunaball into the air. There was a puff of pink smoke as Chibiusa conjured something. She held out her hand to catch the weapon she’d created…

…an inflatable Sailor Pluto blow-up doll.

“What the f#%$…?!!” she shouted.

“Oh, FYI and all, I reprogrammed the Lunaball so whenever you use that conjure power it summons something completely at random,” stated M.A., “Just so you know!”

 

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” With the exception of Rei.Bot all of the Suburban Senshi were once again rolling on the floor in hysterical laughter.

 

Helios leapt at the girl, wrapping her head up in the shopping bag. The girl immediately began struggling, driving her elbow straight into Helios’ crotch.

 

“Yeah!” shouted Hotaru, “Hit him! Hit him! Beat the crap outta him, girl!” Even Rei.Bot had a huge grin on her face.

 

Tossing aside the Sailor Pluto blow-up doll, Chibiusa grabbed the Lunaball, rushed forward, and kicked the girl right in the shin. The girl stumbled, dropped to her knees, and put herself in the perfect position for Chibiusa to rush around behind her and keep pulling the bag tight with one hand while she used the other to repeatedly smash the girl in the head with her Pink Sugar wand. A few seconds later the girl flopped to the ground, twitched a few times, and became still.

Nako-nako cautiously walked over and pulled the bag off the girl’s head, revealing a pretty, pale face, deep brown eyes that were wide open, and a dainty little mouth from which a lot of blood was trickling.

 

“Isn’t that Hyatt from “Excel Saga”?” asked Michiru.

“I think it is,” replied Minako, “Chibiusa killed her!”

“You b@$^@&ds!!” shouted Haruka.

“Killed by a pink-haired brat with a plastic bag and a stupid wand,” said Jedite, “Hyatt probably died of embarrassment.” Tomoe burst out laughing.

“Neo-Queen Serenity’s little girl’s all grown up!” he cried, “Soon she’ll be hunting down boys and killing them, too! If I were her father I’d be so proud! Muahahahahahaha!” Hotaru just sweatdropped.

 

FishEye felt for a pulse on Hyatt, but couldn’t find any.

“Oh sweet Nehelenia, I think she’s really dead!” he exclaimed.

“You mean she’s really dead?” replied Helios, “This sucks! Now we’re murderers on top of everything else!”

“Kupi?” retorted Nako-nako, cocking her head to the side a little.

“Yeah, what’s with this “we” stuff?” added Zoicite, “We were over here the whole time. Blame the stupid little brat over there.” He pointed at Chibiusa who was busy dancing around.

“Oh yeah! Oh yeah!” she chanted as she hopped around, “Give it up for the little pink-haired person over here! The slay-ah walks the earth!”

“Nicely done,” stated M.A. over the radio, “I’ll tell you the truth. I set Hyatt up to see if you bozos had what it takes to be my star actors. A little audition, if you will. Now, get to the basketball court. You’d better hurry, the SporeHunters are getting closer.” Helios and FishEye quickly picked up Hyatt’s body and tossed her into the nearest dumpster. They failed to notice her twitch some more as they closed the lid and rushed down the stairs.

 

“Wait! No!” shouted Tomoe, “They’re forgetting the Sailor Pluto blow-up doll!”

“Bet I know what you want for your birthday,” remarked Haruka.

“Don’t encourage him,” said Hotaru.

 

MEANWHILE…

The scene switched to a Tokyo street, showing the two SporeHunter Warthogs driving along. Minako suddenly straightened up a little.

“Hey, that’s Solarchos driving one of those jeep-thingies!” she exclaimed.

“Uh, yeah,” replied Jedite, “That’s already been previously established. What? Is your brain so affected by the bleaching that you’re only now figuring that out?”

“I’d recommend a prefrontal lobotomy to correct that,” offered Tomoe, “Muahahahahaha!”

“No!” shouted Minako, “It’s just that I finally remembered something. Solarchos is the guy who was ragging on be about being way too genki-genki on the website. He was the one accusing me of being an imposter. That’s him!”

“Too bad he’s not hunting you down alongside the spore,” said Jedite, “I’d pay real money to see that happen.” Minako quickly reached down the front of her shirt, whipped out a harisen “whack-wand” just like Michiru’s, and smacked Jedite upside the head several times.

 

Solarchos glanced down at a roadmap.

“Turn left at the next intersection,” he announced over the radio, “At this rate we’ll be there in less than five minutes.” The camera switched over to the other Warthog, showing Wolfwood, Seiya, and Adam.

“Cool,” replied Wolfwood. Seiya smiled wickedly as she checked over her new MP5.

“I still don’t understand why they call it a Warthog,” said Adam.

“Because M12 LRV is too much of a mouthful, dude,” replied Wolfwood as he turned the steering wheel and continued following Solarchos and the others.

“Yeah, but why “warthog”?” continued Adam, “I mean, it doesn’t really look like a pig or anything.”

“Say that again?” asked Seiya, frowning.

“I think these things look more like pumas then anything else,” said Adam.

“What the hell’s a puma?” asked Seiya. Wolfwood gave Seiya a weird “whatchootalkin’bout” look.

“Uh, a puma,” explained Adam, “They’re big cats like tigers.”

“You’re making that up,” replied Seiya.

“I’m telling you those are real animals!” replied Adam.

“Look…” Seiya pointed at the ram bars at the front of the vehicle. “See those two vertical bars? They look like tusks. What kind of animal has tusks?”

“A walrus,” replied Adam.

“Hey!” countered Seiya, “Stop making up animals.”

“Look, unless anyone has any more creatures,” began Wolfwood, “Mythical or otherwise to suggest as a name for a new vehicle, we’re gonna keep calling it a “Warthog”. How about it, Adam?”

“Fine by me,” replied Adam, shrugging.

“Are you sure?” retorted Seiya, “How about Bigfoot?”

“That’s okay,” said Adam.

“Unicorn?” asked Seiya.

“No, really, that’s fine,” said Adam.

“Sasquatch?” offered Seiya.

“Leprechan?” offered M.A. over the radio, listening in on everyone’s conversation, “How about a Bunyip?”

“Hey, M. Knock it off,” replied Adam, “She doesn’t need any help!”

“Phoenix!” offered Seiya. Adam just sighed.

“Hey, Seiya,” asked Wolfwood, “What’s the name of that Mexican critter that eats all the goats?”

“That would be el chupacabra,” replied Seiya.

“That’s it. Hey, Adam,” persisted Wolfwood, “El chupacabra, how about that? I like it! It’s got a ring to it.” Adam just shook his head and gave up. Meanwhile, they turned at an intersection onto another street. Wolfwood suddenly looked at something on the sidewalk. “What the…?!”

C-pov – the camera spun around to show none other than the Space Pirate Ryoko in her famous black and green dress standing on the sidewalk. Grinning happily, Ryoko was holding up a large sign which stated “SUPPORT OUR SPOREHUNTERS”. Chibiusa and Helios plushies were hanging from nooses attached to the sign. She waved at them as they drove past. Jup.Knight waved back.

“Oh yeah,” he commented, “This is so going to rock.”

“Attention all SporeHunters,” announced Solarchos, “Ready your weapons and prepare for hostile contacts. We’re almost there.”

“Oh yeah!” shouted Starcat as she gripped the plasma grenade in her hand tightly, “The pink b!^*h is gonna BURN!”

 

“Fire! Fire! Fire!” screamed Tomoe, as he pulled out a cigarette lighter and flicked it on.

“We don’t need Chibiusa, let her burn, yo, burn , yo!” chanted Haruka, “We don’t need Chibiusa, let her BURN!”

“Burn the spore! Burn the spore!” added Jedite, “We will cleanse the earth with fire!” Michiru, Minako, and Hotaru just stared at them strangely.

“You people are really starting to scare me,” said Minako.

“You mean they didn’t scare you before?” retorted Hotaru, “Where have you been all this time?”

 

C-Pov – a dark alley near the fenced-in basketball court. A little kid wearing a bright orange snowsuit with the hood pulled up around his face was walking down the alley towards an empty dumpster. Suddenly, as he walked past the dumpster, Chibiusa jumped out of the shadows and grabbed the kid around the neck.

“Hmmpph!!” he shouted, his voice muffled by his hood. He didn’t have time to say anything else before Chibiusa began smacking his head into a brick wall. Nako-Nako dashed over, bent down, and stabbed the kid in the guts with her horn ( which wasn’t that sharp to begin with, but would hurt to get poked by it ). Whipping out a long shard of broken glass, Chibiusa grabbed the kid around the neck, yanked him down, and began stabbing him over and over again in the torso. The kid’s muffled screams began to sound more like gurgles as Chibiusa stabbed him over a dozen times. She then smacked him up against the wall, grabbed the hood, and stabbed him a few more times in the face. Chibiusa then let him fall to the ground, the camera zooming in on her blood-spattered face and the mad gleam in her eyes.

“Holy crap!” exclaimed Michiru, “I think that’s Kenny from South Park!”

“Oh my god!” screamed Artemis, “She killed Kenny!”

“You b@$tards!” shouted Minako. Hotaru rushed to the kitchen sink and threw up, repulsed by the violence. Jedite frowned at her.

“You know, for the Senshi of Destruction you sure can’t handle the sight of blood too well,” he commented. In between heaves Hotaru flipped him off.

 

“Oh yeah! Who’s your mommy now, you punk@$$ moron!!” shouted Chibiusa.

“Damn!” commented Zoicite as he, Helios, and FishEye came out of hiding, “You really messed that kid up.”

“I’ll say,” commented M over the radio, “Just so you know, he wasn’t a gang member.” Everyone suddenly facefaulted.

“What?!” shouted Helios, “Are you saying…!?”

“Yup,” replied M, “That kid was NOT part of Sporehunt. Congrats, Chibiusa. Now you’ve graduated to manslaughter on an innocent minor! You’re moving up in the world!”

“F#%$ you, b!^*h!!” screamed Chibiusa, “You did that on purpose!” Suddenly, a ragged-looking Japanese man rushed down the alley. In the poor light they could just see the tattoos on his arm.

“Okay, that guy IS part of Sporehunt,” announced M.

“Kupi?” began Nako-Nako. She didn’t get much of a chance to say anything else as the ganger-dude kicked her hard as he charged at them, punting Nako back down the alley like a football.

 

“YES!!!” shouted Haruka, Tomoe, Jedite, and Michiru. They all began high-fiving each other. Minako sobbed a little.

“Poor Nako-Nako,” she moaned, “This is so cruel. M should feel ashamed of herself.” Hotaru and Artemis glanced at each other and rolled their eyes.

 

“Pink Sugar…Hearrrrrrrrrrt…Atta ( WHAP! )…owww…” Chibiusa was sent sprawling as the ganger-dude closed the distance, rushed over to her, and punched her squarely in the face right in the middle of her magical attack.

 

“YES! YES! YES!” shrieked Jedite and Haruka at the top of their lungs.

“Muahahahahahahahaha!!!” yelled Tomoe, laughing insanely. Disturbingly enough, Michiru was laughing with him.

“I know Chibiusa’s my friend and all,” commented Hotaru, “But there’s something about that scene which fills me with a deep sense of satisfaction.”

“I just want to see that Yakuza guy take that wand and shove it up her butt,” said Artemis, “That’s all I’m asking for.”

 

“Hey! Nobody does that to one of my hoes!!” shouted Helios. He charged at the ganger-dude, who immediately grabbed the lid off an aluminum trash can and threw it like a frisbee at Helios. Helios blocked it with his arms, but accidentally tripped over Chibiusa, who was lying on the ground staring up at all the pretty stars floating around. Sprawling out of control, Helios went straight into the ganger-dude and they both fell to the ground. Zoicite and FishEye immediately rushed over and began beating the crap out of him.

C-Pov – overhead shot of Zoicite and FishEye punching, kicking, whacking, and pummeling the heck out of him. At one point FishEye grabbed a nearby trashcan, emptied it on top of him, and proceeded to start bludgeoning him with it. A few seconds later a very messed-up Helios managed to pull himself out of the beating he was taking.

“HEY!!!” he screamed, “I’M ON YOUR SIDE, REMEMBER??!!” Zoicite and FishEye slowed down after a few more seconds and stopped. The ganger-dude was totally out of commission.

“Oops!” replied Zoicite, “Sorry! We didn’t realize you were there.”

“Yeah,” added FishEye, “You got between us and the Yakuza-dude!”

“Yeah, right!” retorted Helios, “You did that on purpose!” Zoicite and FishEye looked astounded.

“I’m shocked you’d think of us like that!” replied Zoicite, “That hurts.”

“Like hell,” snapped Helios as he tried to brush the trash and crud off his clothes, “This coming from the guy who deliberately murdered one of his own allies and tried to cover it up.” Zoicite got flustered.

“That was Nephrite and he’s not dead, dammit!” he shouted, “He faked his own death just so he could start making out with that jailbait wench Naru!” Meanwhile, Nako-Nako was staggering down the alley towards them with a huge shoeprint on her face and Chibiusa was starting to get back up.

“Pink Sugar Heaaarrrrrrrt…Attack!” Helios, Zoicite, and FishEye all stared at her in surprise as she aimed the attack straight at them.

“What the…?!” shouted FishEye. All three of them were smacked into the wall by the barrage of pink energy.

“You stupid f^$%tards!!” she screamed, “You let that @$$hole Yakuza hit me on purpose!”

“No we didn’t!!” cried Zoicite. Chibiusa quickly rushed over and kicked all three of them in the shins. All three of them began hopping up and down, wincing in from the pain in their shins.

“You’d better start doing a better job of watching out for me,” warned Chibiusa, “Or I just might NOT have sex with you!” FishEye and Zoicite immediately facefaulted.

“Uhh, you are NOT my type, kid,” stated Zoicite, “Let’s just get that straight right now.” FishEye’s response was far more direct : he grabbed the trashcan and threw up into it.

 

At the Sub-Sen home, Jedite was nodded enthusiastically as he watched FishEye vomit.

“Yup, I know exactly how he feels,” he commented, “In fact, I kinda feel that way every time that pink fungus even looks at me.”

“I don’t!” added Tomoe, “Muahahahahahaha!” Hotaru sighed.

“Papa, you’re starting to make ME feel sick! Chibiusa’s like nine years old.”

“No she’s not,” argued Tomoe, “She keeps going on about how she’s over nine hundred. It’s okay! She’s legal!” Hotaru just shuddered.

 

Meanwhile, the Spores continued to walk around the circumference of the basketball court to an open gate.

“Stop right there,” ordered M, “Now, you see that gate? Go through it into the basketball court.” Everyone glanced at each other, shrugged, and walked through. The moment the last person walked through the gate slid shut, locking them inside. Another gate on the other side of the court slid open. “All right! Now, this is what I like to call a set-up. The five of you need to beat the guy who’s coming to face you in order to continue. I wanna see some gratuitous violence and bloodshed. I wanna see some of the old ultra-violence! This guy must DIE!” From the shadows beyond the gate came a disturbingly cheerful humming.

“Who is it?” asked Helios.

“The last person you’d want to have to deal with on a night like this,” replied M, “And you’d better hurry. The SporeHunters will be here any minute!” Chibiusa took a few steps forward.

“That’s all right!” she yelled, “I’m not afraid. I’m Chibiusa, the future ruler of this crappy planet and on behalf of the Moon, I’ll punish you on behalf of ME!!” With that said, she posed, spun around, bent over, and showed off her butt in a cute display…right at the camera.

 

Jedite rushed into the kitchen and threw up into the sink. Tomoe was laughing hysterically. Haruka and Michiru were both cringing on the couch. Minako and Rei.Bot were both facefaulting. Hotaru and Artemis just stared at the TV screen, their heads tilting slightly.

“Enough! Enough!” shouted Haruka, “This is supposed to be entertainment, not a damn horror flick!”

“OH GOD, SHE WAS WAVING HER BUTT AT ME!!!” screamed Jedite, “My eyes are burning!” Hotaru smirked a little.

“Oh, and you were saying something about me not being able to handle a little violence, huh?” she commented.

“This isn’t violence!” shouted Jedite, “This is just SICK!”

“Yeah! Yeah!” called out Tomoe, holding up some yen bills, “That’s it, girl! Shake that moneymaker!”

 

Something moved in the shadows, coming towards the light of the basketball court. The Spores moved apart slightly, preparing for the fight. Then their opponent walked into the light…

The Spores all sweatdropped big time.

“Heeeeeyyyy, kids!” called out the fuzzy, man-sized, purple dinosaur, his voice cheerful and happy, “How’s it going?”

 

Michiru and Haruka grabbed onto each other for dear life. Artemis screamed in terror and dove underneath the couch. Hotaru recoiled in horror. Even Tomoe’s trademark red grin suddenly turned into a huge frown of fear as he recognized the purple creature.

“Oh…Kami-sama…it can’t be!” gasped Jedite. Rei.Bot tilted her head slightly.

“This is just too much…” she intoned, “Barney the sh!t-o-saurus…now we know true fear!”

 

FishEye screamed like a little girl as he recognized what they were now facing. He spun around and ran face-first into one of the lampposts, knocking himself to the ground in a daze.

“It’s Barney the dinosaur!” shrieked Helios, “Oh this is just f%$#ed up!” Chibiusa’s jaw dropped in surprise. Zoicite didn’t look too impressed.

“Hmph, I’ve seen scarier youmas on PGSM,” he commented, “Zoi!!” Zoicite whipped out his arm, conjuring up a huge cloud of flower petals, which swirled around Barney…

…and did absolutely nothing. Zoicite blinked in surprise.

“What the f^%# was that supposed to do?!” screamed Chibiusa, “And people say MY attacks are useless!” Barney hopped a few times, clapping his hands.

“Oh boy! That was fun! Are you here to play with me?” The Spores all shook their heads vigorously. “Oh, sure you are! We’re going to have so much fun!” With a sickening laugh, Barney charged at them and the fight was on.

Ironically, the music that began playing was “The Burly Brawl” from the “Matrix : Reloaded”.

Barney rushed at Chibiusa, punching at her with his soft, fuzzy hands. Helios, FishEye, and Helios came at him from all sides and started dog-piling him, punching him like crazy. Unfortunately, the only effect that seemed to have on the purple fiend was a strange squeaking sound that came from him every time he got punched. Barney spun around, nailing Helios squarely in the crotch with his tail. Helios made a high-pitched yelp that sounded like a squeak and slid to the ground. Barney followed up with a kick that sent Horse-boy flying backwards into the fence.

Chibiusa watched as Zoicite punched Barney in the face. Barney flipped backwards, slammed into FishEye ( knocking him off his feet ) and bounced back, head-butting Zoicite in the head. The DK general fell to the ground.

“Shimata! That really hurt!” shouted Zoicite. Chibiusa frowned, grabbed the Lunaball, and sighed.

“What the hell,” she said. She started dribbling it. “Lunaball kitty magic!” She bounced the Lunaball high into the air. Nako-Nako was also in the air as Barney slam-dunked her like a Michael Jordan.

Poof! The object the Lunaball conjured up landed in Chibiusa’s hands. She stared at it, sweatdropping and frowning big time.

“What the f^#& is this?!” she shouted, “A plastic cucumber?! What the hell am I supposed to do with this?!” Over the radio they could all hear M.A’s hysterical laughter.

 

“Muahahahahahahahahaha…!!!” screamed Tomoe. Even Hotaru was having a hard time keeping a straight face.

“M’s got a very perverted sense of humor,” commented Michiru.

“What the hell IS that?” asked Artemis. Minako perked up a little.

“Oh! I know what that is,” she stated, “That’s one of those ecchi dodo things, isn’t it?” Jedite smirked a little.

“And how would YOU know what one of those things is?” he asked, “Personal experience?” Minako’s face immediately turned bright red.

“She’s got one just like it in the back of her underwear drawer!” added Tomoe.

“How would you know?” asked Haruka.

“Same way I know about you and Michiru and the Cool Whip!” replied Tomoe, “I see ALL!” Minako and Michiru both whacked him simultaneously.

 

FishEye charged at Barney, but Barney leapt into the air. The scene froze for a moment and the camera rotated to the side, keeping Barney in the center of his “Matrix Kick”, then time resumed and FishEye was knocked back into the fence by Barney’s kick. Barney landed back on the ground, turned to face Zoicite and Helios, and assumed a karate stance, holding out his arm and moving his fingers slightly. Come on, he silently challenged them.

Just then Chibiusa’s plastic…”cucumber”…smacked him in the head. He turned to face the new threat.

“Pink Sugar Hearrrrrrrrrrt…Attack!” The pink energy wave smacked into Barney, nailing him squarely in the crotch.

“Ow!” yelped Barney, “Hey! That is not fun! I’m going to have to teach you how to play nice. Come here!” Barney started to shuffle towards her. Chibiusa tried to run, but Barney grabbed her and lifted her off the ground.

“Ahhh! What are you…?!” Suddenly, Chibiusa felt a sharp smack in her butt as Barney began to spank her. “Ahhhhhhhh!!! Help! Perverted dinosaur! Somebody help me!” Helios, FishEye, Zoicite, and Nako-Nako glanced at each other.

“If we leave her behind the rest of us might be able to escape,” said Zoicite.

“I could go for that,” replied FishEye, “Acceptable losses.”

“Don’t even think about it,” warned M.A. over the radio, “Nobody gets outta there without killing Barney.” Zoicite and FishEye both frowned.

“Dammit,” they all hissed.

“Kupi,” grumbled Nako-Nako, who looked equally displeased. They all charged at Barney, nearly knocking him over as they tackled him. It didn’t work too well. Barney punched Zoicite, knocking him backwards again. Then he kicked Chibiusa, sending her sprawling. Then a tail-bash sent Nako-Nako flying into the fence. Then Barney began to smack and pummel Helios and FishEye into the ground. Somewhere along the way Barney somehow got a hold of a long steel bar and proceeded to smack everyone around like Keanu Reeves. All seemed lost.

Suddenly, a blue-glowing spherical object roughly the size of a lemon landed on the back of Barney’s shoulder and stuck there like it was glued.

“What the…?” said Barney as he tried to grab it, “Is this for me?” FishEye and Helios took the opportunity to quickly scramble away. Barney couldn’t pull the thing off, and three seconds later the Covenant plasma grenade exploded in a huge wave of heat and blue light.

 

“Dammit!” snapped Starcat, “I missed Helios!”

“Hey!” shouted Wolfwood, “Horse-boy is MINE!” The rest of the SporeHunters were dashing down the stairs towards the basketball court. All of them were cackling evilly as they whipped out their weapons and rushed towards the fence. Meanwhile, Barney, who’d been blown across the basketball court, was getting back to his feet, flailing around like a chimpanzee covered in fire-ants. He was completely engulfed in flames.

“AAAHHHHHHHHH!!! Help! Kids! This sucks!” he screamed.

“Oh f^%#!!” shrieked Chibiusa, “It’s the SporeHunters! They’re here!” Meanwhile, the SporeHunters were rushing up to the fence and began aiming through the gaps in the chain-links. Solarchos and Jup.Knight were looking back and forth, first at the Spores, then at Barney, who was still freaking out and burning.

“Uhhh,” began Adam, “Who should we take out first?”

“I dunno,” replied Seiya, “Who’s worth more?” Everyone glanced at each other, then at Solarchos.

“What the hell,” he stated. All six of the SporeHunters took aim and started blasting away at Barney. Starcat threw another plasma grenade at him, the azure-glowing device attaching firmly to the base of his tail. Seiya laughed maniacally as she began firing her new gun on full auto. Wolfwood switched to his Desert Eagle and began pumping rounds into Barney.

“Don’t run!! Don’t run!!” he shrieked, “Pigs! Pigs! All of you pigs! Bwahahahahahahaha!!!” He was joined by Adam and Jup.Knight as they started laughing, too. The plasma grenade detonated, sending Barney shrieking over twenty feet into the air.

“And one to grow on!!” screamed Jup.Knight. Suddenly, the gate that was previously closed slid open.

“Okay,” announced M.A., “I’m going to officially classify that Barney is EXTREMELY dead. Get the heck outta there while the SporeHunters are still distracted!” Chibiusa ran screaming out the gate, followed closely by her Lunaball, Helios, FishEye, and Zoicite. Nako-Nako followed last, pausing at the gate to turn around and flip her tail at the SporeHunters in a cute display, winking.

Nako-Nako flinched as bullets and laser blasts began to shoot past her and explode against the ground and wall near her. A scintillating orange dot of light appeared on her chest and an instant later a shotgun blast rang out.

“Ku-piiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!” she shrieked as a 12-gauge stun shell stuck her, smacking the little critter several meters backwards into the dark alley behind her. One of the Spores quickly snatched her up and continued running for their lives.

“Direct hit!” said Solarchos, lowering his shotgun.

“Nice shot, old friend,” commented M.A. over the radio, “A few of my other friends would be rather impressed.”

“All right, we got Barney, too!” yelled Adam. He, Seiya, and Starcat all began high-fiving each other.

“Killin’ the ‘saur! Killin’ the ‘saur!” they chanted.

“Yeah, but everyone else is getting away!” retorted Wolfwood, “We’ve gotta go after them.” Jup.Knight pulled out his main sword.

“That can be arranged,” he growled as he hefted the long-bladed sword and slashed through the fence in one swing, “All right! Let’s go get ‘em!”

“Hold on,” cautioned Solarchos, “Everyone get back to the Warthogs. I know the area where that alley leads to. We’ll circle around and ambush them there.” Everyone grinned evilly.

“Cool,” said Seiya, “I like ambushes!” The SporeHunters turned and quickly dashed back up the stairs, passing by Hyatt as she pulled herself along the ground like an inchworm. Getting back into the Warthogs, they drove off down the dark Tokyo streets. The scene faded to black and new message appeared : PLEASE INSERT DISC 2.

 

“Those b@$tards!” screamed Minako, ”Especially that Solarchos! He hurt Nako-Nako! How dare he do that! And Barney ( sniff )! They killed Barney! He should be held up as a loveable, caring nurturer of children’s values. He didn’t deserve a fate like that! I swear if I ever run into those SporeHunters on the street I’m gonna get Kenieval on their @$$es!!”

“No, what should be done to Barney is this,” retorted Jedite, “He should be hung from a tree, gutted, shot, burned, dismembered, and run over by one of those Warthogs.”

“Yeah, so put a sock in it!” added Tomoe. He then leaned over, grabbed Minako’s harisen, and whacked her in the head with it. “Muahahahahahahaha!!!”

“That was brutal!” said Hotaru, looking even paler than usual, “But them blowing up Barney totally rocked! Killin’ the ‘saur! Killin’ the ‘saur!”

“Haruka?” said Artemis. Haruka looked down at him. Artemis was trembling slightly.

“Yeah, what?” she asked. Artemis stared up at her, his fur standing up all over his body.

“Put on disc two!” he cried, “Put on disc two! For the love of Belldandy, PUT ON DISC TWO!!!” Michiru jabbed Haruka in the side.

“What are you waiting for?!” she demanded, “Put on the second disc!!”

“HELL YEAH!!” shouted Haruka as she dove for the DVD player. She couldn’t change out the discs fast enough.

 

End of Part Two


Episode 3

T & M Productions, in association with Xadium Studeos

T & M Productions, in association with Xadium Studios

And the Suburban Senshi Signal Corps

Shamelessly Presents…

 

Suburban Senshi : Sporehunt

Episode 3 : Pink Trash

 

Usual legal stuff : The following story and its sequels are works of pure parody and fiction and do not represent actual views, attitudes, and feelings. Except in regard to Chibiusa Tsukino who needs to be summarily executed. Just about all of the characters portrayed in this are pretty much the property of someone else. They know who they are. I’m not stealing them; I’m just borrowing them for a little bit. Imitation and imagination are the sincerest forms of flattery.

 

Inside the home of the Suburban Senshi, the scene was one of frantic activity. Haruka slammed the front door behind her as she rushed into the house carrying shopping bags filled with snacks and munchies. There was a loud thump and a muffled cry as the door slammed shut…right in Michiru’s face. Hotaru quickly dashed over and opened it again, revealing a pissed-off Michiru carrying several bags of take-out from McDonalds in both hands and a red lump on her forehead.

“Haruka!” cried Michiru, “You bunghole!” Hotaru sighed as she let her in while Haruka was busy emptying the bags near the TV. A moment later Artemis dashed into the room after using the litterbox, Tomoe and Minako rushed back from the bathroom, Jedite took the phone off the hook, and everyone settled in on the couch as Rei.Bot inserted Disc 2 of Sporehunt. Tomoe burst out into laughter as Haruka pressed “play”.

The room became completely silent as the DVD began running.

 

THE FOLLOWING PREVIEW HAS BEEN APPROVED BY T & M PRODUCTIONS…

 

“In the name of Metallia, please don’t let it be the meatball-head again!” begged Jedite.

 

Dramatic music began playing. The scene showed the Moon Princess and Prince Endymion standing on a balcony. Then hordes of Dark Kingdom soldiers began swarming towards the Moon Kingdom.

“In an age of darkness…” said the announcer. A sad Queen Serenity looked down at the crescent moon wand.

“My god have mercy on your souls,” she stated. The next scene showed Rei performing a fire reading, wind blowing through her hair.

“Something’s wrong!” she called out, “Something’s amiss!”

“And a time of evil…” said the announcer. The scene switched to show Chibiusa’s smiling face.

“You shall die!!” she screamed.

“When the world needed a hero…” said the announcer. The scene showed several different images of Tuxedo Kamen, the Moonlight Night, and Heero from “Gundam Wing”.

Alarmed Sailor Mercury : “They’ll swallow our souls!”

Panicking Iron Mouse : “I ain’t about to die!”

“What it got…” said the announcer again as pictures of the various Senshi flashed by. Then it showed a close-up picture of Umino…in the dress and makeup that Naru made him wear way back in the first season. “…was him.”

Umino : “Groovy.” Heavy metal guitar music began playing. The next scene showed Umino in class leaning in towards Usagi.

Umino : “You know, your shoelace is untied.” The next scene showed Umino flipping up Miss Haruna’s skirt. A moment later there was a loud whack as Umino was sent flying backwards.

“He’s a 20th Century guy…” said the announcer.

Angry Miss Haruna : “For that arrogance…” Umino screamed silently in terror. “…I shall see you dead.”

“Trapped…” said the announcer. A moment later there was a loud *blang* and the scene showed Miss Haruna hitting the ground, fast asleep and snoring. “…in the Middle Ages.”

Tuxedo Umino : “All right, you primitive screwheads. Listen up! This…” Close-up of one of those mallets with the squeaky plastic accordion heads. “…is my BOOMSTICK! Now…” Umino talking to an embarrassed-looking Naru. “…let’s talk about how I get back home.”

Announcer : “Foretold by a mystical book…” The scene showed Usagi flipping through Rei’s manga collection.

Studious-looking Ami : “Within its pages are passages that can send you back to your time.”

Announcer : “Forewarned by a wise man…” The scene showed Rei praying in front of the Sacred Flame.

Rei : “You must recite the words “klaatu verata nicktuu”.”

Exasperated Umino : “I got it! I got it!”

Announcer : “Fulfilled…” Umino gets up on stage in the dress and makeup and starts posing. “…by a wise guy.”

Extreme close-up of Umino’s face : “Klaatu…verata…ni-hoo-hoo-hoo!”

Pissed-off Rei : “When you misspoke the words…!” The next few scenes showed youmas appearing, the Bon-Bon Baddies unfolding, and several people turning into phages. “…the army of the dead awoke!”

Announcer : “Now he’s got a date…” The scene showed Umino and Naru standing close to each other.

Umino : “Gimme some sugar, baby!” The next scene showed the monster of the day attacking.

Panicking Naru : “Help me!”

Alarmed Tuxedo Umino : “Sheila!”

Announcer : “…with the Army of Darkness!” The scene showed a horde of Pokemon charging at the camera.

Nephrite-possessed Naru : “You found me beautiful once.”

Umino : “Honey…you got real ugly.” With a scream, Possessed-Naru attacks.

Announcer : “Sound the trumpets…” Usagi whistles, but there’s the sound of trumpets blowing. “Raise the drawbridge…” Sailor Jupiter throws an attack that blows a set of doors apart. “Drop…the Oldsmobile.” Eudial panics as her car flies off the road and falls into the ocean. “From Sam Raimi…” Close-up of Gendo Ikari from “Evangelion” The next picture showed Mamoru getting thrown against the side of that boat in the R movie.

Cringing Umino : “Ooooo! That’s gotta hurt!”

Announcer : “…director of Darkman…comes…” A picture of the shadowy, smiling face of Professor Tomoe.

Announcer : “Army of Darkness! They live…” Various scenes of the Senshi trying to fight the monsters of the day…and getting tossed around. “They breathe…” Picture of the Esmeraude-dragon breathing fire. The final scene showed various Daimons sucking the heart-crystals out of various bystanders. “They SUCK!” The last scene showed the usual movie credits for “Sailor Moon : Army of Darkness”. Coming soon to a theater near you…maybe.

 

“The hell…?!” cried Michiru. Tomoe burst out laughing.

“The Pokemon ARE the Army of Darkness!” he shouted, “This proves it! Gotta kill them all!”

“That’s it,” stated Jedite, pointing at the TV screen, “I want the T&M catalog, dammit! I wanna be a subscriber!”

“At least it wasn’t another brain-twisting intellectual statement from Usagi,” commented Hotaru, “By the way, I’m definitely making a donation to the Odango Scholarship Fund.”

“Because Usagi’s mind is a terrible thing to develop without help,” said Artemis.

“No, because Usagi’s mind is a terrible thing, PERIOD!” added Haruka. Meanwhile, the screen went dark for a couple of seconds.

 

AND NOW, CONTINUING WITH OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION…

 

“HELL YEAH!” shouted Tomoe, Jedite, Hotaru, and Haruka. High-fives were made all around. The scene showed a poorly-lit construction area where a bunch of guys were hanging around, acting rowdy, drinking lots of alcohol and getting seriously drunk. All of them were white American males, some of them were wearing what looked like hockey masks, none of them had any hair and none of them looked too bright. The rowdiness died down as someone else wandered up to their little gathering. A couple of the Americans staggered to their feet and approached the new person. The camera spun around a little, revealing that the new person was, in fact, a tiger-striped Velociraptor.

 

“The hell…?!” yelled Hotaru, “What is this?! Jurassic Park?!”

“Awww!” cried Minako, smiling, “Look at the cute dinosaur! That thing looks way cuter than Barney…”

 

WHAP! One of the Americans tried to punch the Velociraptor, but missed as the Raptor jumped in the air, spun around, and laid a roundhouse kick to the guy that sent him flying back over ten feet. The Raptor then leapt into the air and landed right on top of the offending guy. It then grabbed the human by the throat, picked him up off the ground, then pressed its snout right into his face and bared inch-long fangs. The camera panned down to show the large wet patch that was spreading inside the American’s jeans. The Raptor dropped him to the ground and stepped away.

 

“You were saying something about that thing being cute?” retorted Jedite.

“At least it’s not as sickeningly disgusting as Barney,” said Michiru.

“I bet that guy always wets himself perfectly,” commented Haruka.

 

“Okay, dumb@$$es,” yelled the Raptor, speaking in a voice that sounded a lot like Cheech Marin ( complete with Mexican accent ), “The nice lady that’s paying you all wants to see some mucho carnage. Try not to disappoint her. You know who you’re supposed to find. Now go out and find them!” The humans all tried to cheer ( a little; a few of them threw up instead ) and began to slowly walk away. The Raptor watched them go and shook his head.

“Man, where does she get these guys from?” he sighed.

 

“Those guys are, like, so dead,” said Artemis. Jedite and Rei.Bot nodded.

“What the hell are white supremacists from the southern United States doing in Japan?!” demanded Michiru, “Why on earth would they want to come here?!”

“Sporehunting’s an equal opportunity pastime!” replied Tomoe.

“That one guy was projectile vomiting for five seconds!” stated Hotaru, “How much stuff were they drinking?”

“Too much,” replied Haruka, “They shouldn’t drink and hunt spores.”

“I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the concept of a Velociraptor that speaks with the voice of Cheech Marin,” said Minako, “That’s just so…off!”

 

The scene changed, showing the Spores hiding out in a darkened park. FishEye was looking around nervously while everyone else was gathered around a very bedraggled-looking Nako-Nako.

 

“Nako-Nako!” exclaimed Minako, happily, “She’s all right!”

“Dammit!” snapped Jedite, “She’s still alive. Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!”

 

“Kupi…” moaned Nako-Nako, cringing from the pain, “Kupi ku-piii…”

“Well, of course it hurts, you idiot,” stated M.A over the radio, “You got shot with a 12-gauge soft-rubber slug-shell. It’s supposed to hurt like an M-F’er! Getting hit with a regular solid slug would hurt a lot less but that would kill you.”

“Well, don’t you worry, my little hottie,” stated Helios, “I’ll carry you ‘til we can hit the sack, baby!” Nako-Nako looked at him, and shuddered. Zoicite gagged.

“Jeez, you really do suck,” he commented, “I think you need serious treatment to cure yourself of this delusion that you’re a rap star.” Helios spun around to face him.

“Hey! F&$% you!” he shouted, “At least I didn’t get my ass kicked by Barney the purple dinosaur back there!”

“What are you talking about?” demanded FishEye, “We ALL got our @$$es kicked by Barney! Talk about pathetic…!” Suddenly, a short, shrill beep came from their collars.

“The collars just transmitted,” said M.A., “The SporeHunters have your position again…and they’re not going to give up any time soon.” Chibiusa grumbled and grabbed the Lunaball again.

“Lunaball kitty magic!” she cried as she dribbled the thing. There came another puff of pink smoke, and she held up her hands to receive… “A box of powdered donuts?! What the hell?!”

“Cool!” shouted Zoicite. He snatched the box and quickly began eating a few. Helios, FishEye, and Nako-Nako ( who perked up immediately ) jumped in and grabbed one or two for themselves. “Finally! You actually conjured up something useful!”

 

“For once,” commented Michiru. Haruka nodded.

“Spore-child’s usually nothing more than a liability most of the time,” added Jedite.

“I want donuts!” called out Tomoe, “And that Sailor Pluto blow-up doll! Muahahahahahahaha!” Hotaru sweatdropped.

“Again with the blow-up doll…” she grumbled.

 

Chibiusa fiddled with the Lunaball, pressing the button on the nose and flipping open a lid in the back.

“What the f#%^ are you doing?!” demanded Zoicite, “We don’t have time for that!” Nako-Nako moaned loudly in the background. “Oh, shut up!” Zoicite snapped at Nako-Nako, “Nobody cares!”

“I’m trying to see if I can fix this dumb thing,” replied Chibiusa as she continued to fiddle around with the Lunaball’s internal workings.

“Warning,” announced the Lunaball, speaking with a British female voice, “System error. Primary programming altered. Initiating level-one diagnostic of core systems…”

“We really don’t have time for this…” moaned Helios as he scanned the park nervously. Somewhere in the distance there was the sound of screeching tires.

“If I can get this stupid thing working right, we can use its automatic defense system to help us out of this mess,” explained Chibiusa.

“…U-S-D-A selected…” stated the Lunaball.

“That thing has a defense system?” asked FishEye.

“…F-D-I-C approved…” continued the Lunaball.

“Of course!” replied Chibiusa, “After I came back from my first trip to the past there were a lot of people in Crystal Tokyo who were always after me. At first I thought they were fans and admirers but instead they wanted to beat me up! More and more of them kept showing up so mommy and daddy installed a defense system into this thing to protect me. My daddy loves me so much!”

 

Hotaru gulped uncomfortably.

“If she starts going on about how she wants to scronk her dad I’m going to get sick right here,” she commented.

“But you’re her friend,” retorted Minako, “I thought you two always saw cheek to cheek on everything.” Hotaru’s eyebrow twitched a little.

“That’s “eye to eye”,” she corrected, “And, sorry, but I will never lust after my own father.”

“That’s not what Mistress Nine said!” said Tomoe. Hotaru grabbed a handful of potato chips and threw them at her father’s face.

 

“…level one diagnostic complete…S-O-B…” stated the Lunaball, “Virus detected. Running MS-Windows 3000 antivirus program. Estimated time to completion: 28 hours, 5 minutes. Day-see, Day-see, give me your answer do…”

“Say WHAT?!!” shouted Zoicite and FishEye.

“Wow,” commented Helios, “Even in the future, Microsoft still sucks.”

“You know, I might be inclined to help you out,” said M.A. over the radio, “I’ll uplink to the Lunaball, eliminate the virus, and restore most of its functions to you, but…”

“But…?” replied everyone else. They all looked apprehensive to say the least.

 

“She demands the blood sacrifice of Chibiusa?” asked Haruka.

“I’ll go for that!” said Michiru, “Hell, I’ll hold her down for them if they let me.”

“No, she demands that they fire up the grill and barbecue that little sh!t Nako-Nako!” called out Jedite.

“Yum!” cried Tomoe. Minako turned around to face them.

“I’m shocked!” she retorted, “How could you say something like that about her? How could you be so cruel?”

“What do you want from us?!” cried Jedite and Tomoe simultaneously, “We’re evil! EVIL!!”

 

“Something new has come up,” explained M.A., “You have an objective to accomplish. Some of my friends captured someone and they convinced me to have her join your group as a new member. Your job is to find and release her.”

“What?” demanded Chibiusa, “Screw you! Our job was to get outta here, not run your stupid errands!” Suddenly, the Lunaball popped up into the air, a siren and flashing red lights began blaring, a lid flipped open, and the barrel of some kind of weapon popped out.

“Ex-terminate! Ex-terminate!” it warbled loudly. Zoicite dove for cover in some bushes, FishEye ran like hell for the nearest tree, Nako-Nako jumped inside a trash bin, and Helios grabbed Chibiusa and slapped his hand over her mouth.

“All right! All right! We’ll do it!” he screamed at the top of his lungs. The Lunaball immediately became quiet and retracted its weapons.

“I knew you’d see it my way,” replied M.A. The Lunaball suddenly jerked, fell to the ground, and started rolling around. “There. I’ve cancelled the virus program and restored most of its functions to your command.” Chibiusa quickly grabbed it.

“Lunaball kitty magic!” she yelled as she dribbled it, “Make me a f#%$ing gun!” The Lunaball bounced high in the air, poofed into a large pink cloud, and into Chibiusa’s hands fell…

…another blow-up doll…of Sailor Venus.

 

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!!!” screamed everyone at the Suburban Senshi homestead as they all hit the floor once again, laughing hysterically. Except for Minako who was making a record-breaking facefault.

“What the…?!!” she stammered, “How the…?!! What?!! What?!! That’s a…?!? Who…??!!”

“All right!” shouted Jedite, “Life-sized, too!”

“Keep that thing away from Dr. Xadium!” called out Haruka, “He’ll go nuts!”

“Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!! I’m gonna kill that M.A.!!!” screamed Minako.

 

“Again??!!” screamed Chibiusa, “I thought you said you’d return control of the Lunaball to me!”

“I said I’d return MOST of its functions to you,” retorted M.A, giggling, “Not ALL of them. That screwed-up conjuring program’s now a permanent feature. Look on the bright side. You’d be a big hit at parties conjuring up all sorts of freaky things! That might actually raise your popularity a little!”

 

“That’s never going to happen!” called out Jedite.

 

“Screw you, you lying b@$tard!” shouted Chibiusa.

“So where’s this new person for our team?” asked FishEye, trying to change the subject.

“Go across the park in the direction of the Tokyo Tower,” explained M.A, “You’ll eventually come across a big construction area. Go in there. Your new friend’s currently locked up in a shed. Be warned, though. You’re soon going to be facing tougher opponents as well as a few more SporeHunters.”

“Tougher opponents?” remarked Helios, “So far we’ve faced one Yakuza, a girl, a little kid in an orange snowsuit, and Barney the buttf&%#er. So far, there hasn’t been much opposition.”

“Opposition?!” snapped Zoicite, “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten the ones with the automatic weapons and grenades that are tracking these GPS collars!!” Helios winked and smiled.

“Oh, I haven’t forgotten about them,” he stated, “I’m not worried about them at all. In fact…” He reached over and pulled Chibiusa over to his side. “We’ve got a plan in the works.”

“You do?” asked FishEye and Zoicite.

“We do?” asked Chibiusa.

 

“They do?” asked everyone back at the Suburban Senshi’s den.

“Yeah right,” retorted Haruka, “Horse-boy doesn’t have crap.”

“Actually, the only crap he’s got is what’ll be all over the inside of his pants when the SporeHunters catch him,” said Hotaru, “Oh, how I want to see an extreme close-up of that! Along with an instant replay.”

 

The Spores moved through the dark park, creeping from shadow to shadow. Nako-Nako rummaged around inside another trash can and pulled out an empty sake bottle. Zoicite quickly snatched it.

“Gimme that!” he snapped, “Maybe there’s some left!” He upended the bottle into his mouth.

“What are you doing?” demanded Helios. Zoicite frowned.

“Crap,” he replied, “There’s nothing left. Right now I am seriously in the need of a hard drink. I’d even take some of Nephrite’s lemonade.”

“Dumb@$$,” retorted Chibiusa, “Lemonade’s not alcoholic.”

“Not Nephrite’s,” corrected Zoicite, “He uses vodka, not water.” Just then a Japanese male carrying a sheathed katana and wearing a dark suit and a Kato mask came around a large bush. Since the Spores were lurking in the shadow he didn’t see them until he was almost right on top of them.

 

“Whoa!” called out Jedite, “It’s one of the Crazy 88’s from “Kill Bill”!”

“All right!” replied Haruka, “That means we’re gonna see some seriously excessive violence soon! Right on!”

“Not to mention blood squirting like geysers,” remarked Hotaru. Haruka tossed a potato chip at her.

“Hey! Don’t spoil it for us!”

 

The Crazy 88 suddenly stopped and jumped a little as he suddenly caught sight of the Spores.

“What the…?!” he yelped. He suddenly started screaming like a schoolgirl as Zoicite threw the sake bottle into his face. As the Crazy 88 stood there, screaming shrilly and clutching his face, he dropped the katana. With a deranged battlecry, Helios grabbed the katana off the ground, whipped it out of its scabbard, posed for a moment ( while the Crazy 88 kept on standing there, flailing his arms a little and screaming ), then stabbed him through the chest.

C-Pov – a short distance away from the Spores and the lone Crazy 88. Helios stabbed the 88 through the chest. P-TOMPH!!! The whole area turned red. The image cleared after a second, revealing the entire area was now gleaming wetly in the dim light, the Crazy 88’s lower body toppled to the ground, the upper half of his body was just GONE, and the Spores were standing still with bizarrely-perplexed expressions on their faces.

 

“HELL YEAH!!!” shouted Jedite, Tomoe, and Haruka, headbanging.

 

“What the f^%$ just happened?!” shrieked Chibiusa, “That f^%$er just EXPLODED!!”

“All I did was stab him…!” exclaimed Helios. FishEye let out a distressed cry.

“Oh my goddess! My hair’s a mess!” he screamed.

“Dude, he EXPLODED!!” shouted Zoicite, “What the hell kinda psycho explodes when you stab them! This is messed up!”

“All I did was stab him…!” repeated Helios. Nako-Nako didn’t have anything to say. She was too busy throwing up in the bushes.

 

“This is what you get for f^#%ing around with Yakuzas!” called out Tomoe.

“Yuck,” intoned Rei.Bot.

“Warning, contents under pressure,” said Artemis, “Do not puncture.”

“Those Crazy 88’s need to wear warning labels or something,” added Minako, “I mean, really, that’s just gross!”

 

The Spores kept quickly moving through the park. They soon reached a small koi pond with a bridge crossing over it. Standing on the bridge was a tall woman with long dark hair wearing a long black cape, boots, and what looked like a leather string bikini. She turned slightly and the camera zoomed in…first on her face, then on her enormous, well-shaped cleavage.

 

“Holy crap!” cried Michiru, “It’s Naga the White Serpent! What’s she doing in this?!”

“She’s beautiful!!” shouted Tomoe, “Shwing!”

“Wow,” commented Haruka, “She’s tall, she can cast spells, and she’s got huge…!”

“Tracks of land?” offered Jedite, noticing the malicious expression that was currently on Michiru’s face.

“Yes! Exactly!” stated Haruka, also noticing Michiru’s expression. Hotaru crossed her fingers and closed her eyes.

“Please don’t make her laugh…” she pleaded, “Please don’t make her laugh…”

 

“Kupi?” chirped Nako-Nako as she looked over at Naga.

“Oh yeah, baby!” said Helios, “Look at that @$$! Mmmm, what I wouldn’t give to get a slice of that magical pie she’s got going on!”

“Hey!” retorted Chibiusa, “You’re MY b!^*h and don’t you forget it!”

“Hmph,” grumbled Zoicite, looking unimpressed, “She looks like a total slut. I fail to see what’s so special about her.” Suddenly, Naga looked over in their direction and squinted a little.

“Who’s that skulking around in the shadows?!” she demanded as she took a few steps towards them, “No one can hide from Naga the White Serpent! I…” She trailed off as she noticed a small, globular object emerge from some bushes not too far away from her. The object hovered for a moment, then began floating slowly away from her. “Huh? What the heck is that thing?” Naga began walking slowly towards the floating ball.

 

Chibiusa grinned evilly as she worked the remote control of the Lunaball. The dim light gleamed off the blood-speckled blade of the katana.

“Come on, you top-heavy bimbo,” she whispered, “Go for it…go for it…”

 

The Lunaball stopped and hovered in mid-air. Naga ( being Naga, of course ) walked over towards it. The Lunaball rotated around to face her.

“What the heck is this thing?” asked Naga as she stepped up to the floating Lunaball, squinting in the poor light, “It looks like some stupid Pokemon rip-off toy…”

C-Pov – a close-up of the Lunaball as a small light began blinking on the nose. Naga leaned in a little closer. PWAFF!!! Brilliant white light filled the area as the “eyes” lit up like strobes. A moment later a color photo of Naga’s surprised face slid out of the “mouth” of the Lunaball.

“OOOwwwwww!!!” screamed Naga, clapping her hands over her eyes, “OOOwwwwww! My eyes! My beautiful, perfect, desirable eyes!” Naga staggered back a few steps…right towards Chibiusa as she leapt out of the shadows. Clutching the katana with both hands, she charged at her.

“Hai-keeebaaaa…!!!” screamed Chibiusa. Naga spun around.

“Hah! Who dares try to sneak…” began Naga. Then Chibiusa stabbed her in the thigh. “OOOWWWW!!! What the…??!!” Chibiusa struck again. “AAAAAGGGHH!! They stabbed by butt! They stabbed by BUTT!! I…!!” By now, Naga had fallen to her knees. Grabbing her by the hair, Chibiusa yanked upwards, then started hacking away at Naga’s neck…

 

“OH MY GODDESS!!!” shrieked Minako.

“Nnnnoooooooo!!” wailed Tomoe, tears streaming from his eyes, “Naga-kun!! Oh, how I wanted to share some tasty coffee and play Twister with you!”

“Just clone her or something,” offered Haruka.

“We don’t know where all this is happening!” cried Tomoe, “Oh cruel fate…!”

 

Three whacks later, Chibiusa began laughing insanely as she held aloft Naga’s head while her decapitated body flopped to the ground. The expression on Naga’s face was priceless.

“Oh, beautiful!” cried M.A. over the radio, “That’s perfect! You’re warming up our viewing audience nicely.”

 

Artemis dashed off to the litterbox to throw up. Everyone else was cringing in their seats.

“That’s cold,” commented Jedite.

“Lina Inverse is gonna be pissed!” said Minako.

“Well, the only thing Naga really had going for her were her boobs,” said Michiru, “So, it’s not like she’s much worse off than before.” Haruka got up and went over to the kitchen.

“Where are you going?” asked Hotaru. Haruka began opening all of the drawers.

“I’m hiding all of the sharp kitchen utensils,” she replied as she began piling silverware on the counter, “If the psycho-spore actually comes back home I don’t want her getting any funny ideas.” Jedite and Hotaru immediately rushed over to help.

 

The scene changed, showing the darkened control room where M.A. was coordinating everything. Standing near the TV screens, observing everything, were none other than Lina Inverse and Amelia from “Slayers”.

“Oh my goddess! They killed Naga!” cried Amelia, aghast at the brutality of what they’d just witnessed. At the same time Lina, looking bored, opened up a bag of crab-flavored potato chips.

“Oh yeah,” replied Lina, eating some chips, “What a freakin’ tragedy. You want some of these?” Amelia clenched her fists and her face started turning red.

“What we just witnessed was murder most foul!” she shouted, “The heavens cry out! The earth cries out! The people cry out…FOR…!” Suddenly, Amelia was jerked off frame and the sounds of someone getting the crap beaten out of them could be heard. Lina just kept watching the TV’s. A moment later Amelia’s unconscious body was thrown against the wall, stuck there for a few seconds, and slowly slid down while Ryoko ( from “Tenchi Muyo” ) walked up to Lina and started watching TV with her.

“Chips?” offered Lina.

“Don’t mind if I do,” replied Ryoko, “Beating the sh!t out of prissy little bimbos gives me an appetite!”

 

Zoicite grabbed Naga’s knife, Helios took Naga’s belt, and Chibiusa kept Naga’s severed head ( complete with “bonked” expression ) as a trophy. The Spores quickly walked over the bridge and disappeared into the shadowy bushes beyond. Parting some branches, Chibiusa and Helios smiled as they saw a young Japanese male wearing ragged clothing standing near a small fountain.

“All right,” whispered Chibiusa, “Our next victim.”

“I think you’re enjoying this a little too much, kid,” remarked FishEye. He felt a tug on his leg and looked down.

“Kupi?” chirped Nako-Nako as she held up something. It was another plastic shopping bag. She offered it to FishEye.

“Hmph,” he grumbled as he took it, “Well, it’s better than nothing, I guess.”

“Okay, so how are we going to get this guy?” asked Zoicite. Chibiusa smiled and grabbed Naga’s head.

“I know…” she hissed.

 

There was a faint whistling sound, then a loud thump as something hit the grass. The sound made the Jap-ganger jump a little and he spun around to check it out.

“What the…?” he yelped. He grabbed his aluminum baseball bat and peered into the dim light. Lying on the grass a few feet away from him was the severed head of Naga. “Ugh! What kinda sicko would chop off the head of a good-looking girl like that?! That’s messed up!” Suddenly, a plastic bag was dropped over his head.

FishEye grunted loudly as he tightened the bag as much as he could, holding on as the ganger started struggling. The ganger grabbed his bat with both hands and swung up…

WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! FishEye let go and staggered backwards from the solid whack he’d taken to his face.

“ITAI!!!” he screamed, “Aaaahhhh! My face! My beautiful face…!” FishEye looked up just in time to see the ganger swing the bat right into his chest, sending him flying backwards into the fountain.

“FishEye, you suck!” called out Chibiusa. Helios jumped out of the bushes.

“HEY, YOU!!” he shouted. The ganger turned towards him as Helios threw something at him.

“Kuuuuuu-piiiiiiiii…!” THUNK! The ganger stiffened, dropped the bat, and crumpled to the ground…with Nako-Nako’s horn lodged deep in his forehead. Nako-Nako struggled to pull herself free, but her horn was stuck.

 

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!!!” screamed everyone back at the Sub-Sen home.

“Well, THAT was original,” commented Michiru.

“Death by Kupi,” added Tomoe.

“Noooooooo!” wailed Minako, “Nako-Nako’s the mascot of the goddess of love and beauty! Now she’s been used as an instrument of death! How dare they defecate her like that!”

“Desecrate,” corrected Rei.Bot.

“No, defecate is an appropriate term,” said Jedite, “Especially for that little sh!t.”

“I’m not sure what’s worse,” said Haruka, “Death by Chibi or death by Kupi?”

“I just want to see Helios DEAD!” snarled Hotaru, “That’s all I’m hoping for!”

 

Grabbing Nako-Nako by the legs, Zoicite and Helios yanked her out of the ganger’s head. FishEye picked up the aluminum baseball bat as he held his ribs.

“Oh, that hurt,” he whimpered, “This is all so brutal! I need a bubble bath…”

“Quit yer whining,” snapped Chibiusa as she washed the blade of her katana in the fountain. “Hey, M.A, which way do we go next?”

“Go down the path on the opposite side of the fountain,” replied M.A. over the radio, “You’ll see a gate in a chainlink fence. Go through it.” They began walking around the fountain…

BLAM!! Helios yelped as a puff of wind blow through his hair. He reached up to find a tuft of his hair was now gone.

“What the…??!!” shouted Zoicite. Another gunshot rang out, causing part of the park bench next to FishEye to explode.

“Kuuuppiiiiii!!!” shrieked Nako-Nako.

“It’s the SporeHunters!” screamed Chibiusa, “They’ve found us again!” FishEye immediately began screaming like a schoolgirl.

 

“Scream all you want!” shouted Michiru, “You’re miles away from anyone that can hear you! Ohohohohohohoho…!!”

“C’mon, Solarchos! Shoot that little sh!t Nako-Nako again!” cried Haruka.

“Kill the Spore! Kill the Spore!” chanted Tomoe, Jedite, and Artemis.

“Kill the Horse! Make him bleed! His death is all I really need!” chanted Hotaru, “Muahahahahahahaha…!” Tomoe smiled at her.

“She makes me so proud!” he declared.

 

“RUN!!!” screamed Zoicite as another shotgun blast rang out, disintegrating a part of the fountain. In the distance they could see two figures on an open field walking towards them. One of them was dressed in dark clothing that made him blend into the poorly-lit area quite nicely. The other was a girl in flowing robes and long red hair. Both of them were carrying rifles…LOADED rifles.

“Use Nako-Nako again!” urged FishEye, “Go long!”

“No way!” replied Helios, “They’re too far and I’m way too close to those guns! I’m outta here!” Helios turned and started running down the path.

“Wait for me!” shouted Chibiusa. Zoicite and FishEye glanced at each other, then grabbed Nako-Nako and started running after the others.

 

C-Pov – the inside of M.A. TV control room. M.A reached over to a control panel and flicked a switch. Lina and Ryoko were sitting in some chairs off to the side, enjoying everything.

“Oh, Solarchos, old friend…” began M.A.

The scene switched to show Solarchos and the other SporeHunters in a downtown Tokyo strip-mall. They had just parked the Warthogs and were in the process of getting out. Solarchos stopped.

“What’s up, M?” he asked.

“The late-comers are in position and are driving the Spores towards the ambush site,” said M.A., “They’re doing surprisingly well against the other hunters. I don’t think the guys in the construction yard will last very long. Naga certainly didn’t.”

“Oh well, acceptable losses,” commented Starcat.

“Bet Lina was heartbroken to hear that,” added Adam.

“We need at least ten minutes to set up the ambush,” said Solarchos, “We got delayed ‘cause we drove through the filming of an episode of PGSM and almost ran over the youma. Can your forces delay the Spores that long?” M.A. thought for a moment.

“Possibly,” she replied, “The Skinz aren’t very reliable, but at least they’re predictable. If worse comes to worse I’ll tell Talon to do what he can to pin them down for a few minutes. Is that good enough?”

“Perfect,” said Solarchos. He turned to the other SporeHunters.

“So what are we doing here at an all-night mini-mall?” asked Seiya, “Are you and M celebrating your anniversary or something?” Solarchos shook his head.

“Nope,” he answered, “We’re here to grab a few things for the ambush. Adam and Jup.Knight – you two stay with the Warthogs…”

“Cool!” replied Jup.Knight, “That means I can practice using the chaingun!”

“Starcat,” continued Solarchos, “I need you to go into that triple-X rated store over there…” The camera swerved to show the entrance of an ecchi-hentai store. “We need a male inflatable blow-up doll.” Starcat facefaulted.

“Say what?!” she retorted, “Look, I get the impression M’s a little…weird, but she should do her own shopping and leave me out of it!”

“Starcat…please,” replied Solarchos, “Trust me. It’s all part of the plan. Seiya, I need you to get a hold of a tuxedo, a cape, a cane, and a top hat. And one of those old-style plain costume ball masks if you can find one. Wolfwood, go try and find a bouquet of roses.” Wolfwood slowly began smiling.

“I think I know where this is all heading,” he stated, “What are you going to be doing?”

“I’ve got the most important job of all,” said Solarchos, “Snack run! I’ve got a craving for peppered beef jerky and a six-pack of A&W root beer. Who else wants something? My treat!”

“I want cookies!” called out Starcat.

 

The scene switched to a closed gate in a chainlink fence. The gate was unlocked and Helios effortlessly pushed it open. Chibiusa was right behind him, “urging” him onwards with the katana hovering dangerously close to his butt. FishEye, Nako-Nako, and FishEye were looking around nervously, trying to find where the two SporeHunters pursuing them had gone.

“Good,” commented M.A., “You made it. Okay, here’s the situation.” The scene switched, showing several of the bald, mask-wearing Westerners wandering around throughout the construction site. “The people you’re now facing are a gang from the United States called the Skinz. They’re your near-stereotypical white supremacist skinheads; almost none of them have any kind of real social skills, and most of them work in minimum wage jobs…if they work at all. Of course, it’s not THEIR fault most of them dropped out of high school. It’s always someone else’s fault…usually the first person they come across who’s not a “pure-blooded white male Anglo-Saxon Protestant whatever”.” M.A. started snickering. “Oh boy, are they going to like you guys – two girly yaoi-boys, an Eminem-wannabe with a horn coming outta his head, a pink-haired sugar demon, and a Pokemon reject! They’re just gonna love you guys!” M.A. then burst out into laughter. The Spores just sweatdropped. “Anyway, your new member is currently tied up in a shed near the middle of the construction site. The shed’s got a big blue X painted on the door, so you’ll know it when you see it. What are you waiting for? Get moving! The SporeHunters are hot on your tails!”

 

C-Pov – straight up as the Spores huddled.

“What do we do now?” asked FishEye, “These Skinz-people sound really mean.”

“Oh, you THINK?” demanded Helios.

“Let’s try to jump the SporeHunters,” suggested Zoicite, “If we can bring down one or two of them, we can get their guns and make all of this a whole lot easier…”

 

Everyone at the Suburban Senshi home burst out into snickers.

“Good luck with that!” giggled Michiru.

“Go for it,” added Hotaru, “I want to see that Adam guy nail Helios in the balls with that “Go-Go mace”!”

“I wanna see Solarchos use Nako-Nako as target practice again!” exclaimed Tomoe, “That was so cool!”

“Plasma grenades for everybody!” proclaimed Jedite, “Especially one down Horse-boy’s pants!”

 

“Fight the SporeHunters?!” demanded Helios, “Are you on crack, man? They’d kick our @$$es, then they’d blow it up like they did with Barney!”

“He’s right,” agreed FishEye, “Those plasma grenades would be murder on my hair and mascara. Chibiusa, what do…?” FishEye looked around. So did the camera. Chibiusa was nowhere to be seen.

“Kupi?” asked Nako-Nako. All of a sudden they heard lots of screaming coming from nearby.

 

Nako-Nako, Helios, Zoicite, and FishEye rushed down an alley, turned right, and found themselves in a courtyard between several partially-constructed buildings. They got there just in time to see Chibiusa swing the katana right into the leg of a hugely-muscled guy wearing a t-shirt and a hockey mask.

“Hai-keeba!!” shrieked Chibiusa as she hacked a large, deep cut into the guys’ leg. The Skin-ner immediately dropped the club he was holding and grabbed his leg.

“Aaaahhhh! The foul ones strike at the righteous!” he shouted, “O Lord, your servant…!” Chibiusa struck again, plunging the blade into the brute’s side. He collapsed to his hands and knees. Screaming with the fury of a wild lemur, Chibiusa pulled the sword back, raised it up over her head, and struck the ganger’s head from his shoulders in one blow.

 

“Daaaaaaaaaaammmmmnnnn!!!” screamed Jedite and Haruka.

“Okay, she’s enjoying that WAY too much,” commented Minako.

“Kami-sama help the Crazy 88’s if they ever show up,” added Artemis.

 

Chibiusa snickered nastily as she wiped the blade off. Everyone else just stared at her.

“Holy crap!” cried Zoicite, “That’s the second person you’d decapitated in less than ten minutes! Are you trying to become one of those creatures from that “Predator” movie or something?”

“Jeez, look at the mess she made!” commented FishEye.

“Quit your b!^*hing,” snapped Chibiusa as she stepped over the body, pausing to make sure Naga’s head was still attached securely to her fuku belt, “This guy was in my way.” Suddenly, an empty liquor bottle sailed through the air and impacted against the side of her head, sending her to her knees.

 

C-Pov – a pair of Skinz as they rounded the corner.

“Ya got her, Zeke!” yelled one of them, “Good shot, man!” The Skinz hefted their clubs and charged forward.

 

Zoicite looked to one side; several Skinz were approaching. Helios looked to another side; more Skinz were running towards them.

“Oh crap!” shouted Helios, “What do we do?! What do we do?! What…?!” He turned around. He just caught sight of Nako-Nako disappearing around the side of a building and Zoicite and FishEye were just plain GONE.

“Hey!” shouted Chibiusa as she turned and started running, “Wait for me!!” Helios let out a cry and started running in a different direction.

 

“Run, Forrest, run!!” shouted Tomoe, “Muahahahahahahaha…!”

“Poor Nako-Nako!” sobbed Minako, “Chased by white surrealists. This is all so unfair!” Hotaru slapped herself on the forehead.

“That’s supremacists, you frickin’ moron!” she yelled.

 

The scene switched, showing Zoicite as he ran down an alley. Turning a corner, he skidded to a halt as he saw someone standing at the far end. It was a young lady with fair skin, deep green eyes, and lots of long red hair, most of which was tied in a thick braid hanging down her spine. She was wearing boots, white shorts, and a long-sleeved jacket with big shoulder pads. Clutched in her hands was a huge broadsword and her eyes gleamed with barely-restrained madness. The girl smiled and chuckled as she began walking towards Zoicite.

 

“Oh my goddess!!” screamed Jedite, “That’s Excel!!” Tomoe let out a high-pitched shriek of terror.

“What?!” demanded Haruka, “You mean that psychotic red-headed bimbo from “Excel Saga”?! Oh sh!t!! They’re all f^$%ed now!!”

“Oh yeah!!” snarled Artemis, “This is gonna get good!”

 

“Who are you?!” demanded Zoicite. The girl just laughed maniacally.

“I am Excel,” she began, “Fanatically loyal follower of Lord Ilpulazo and the highest-ranking member of the super-secret ideological organization known as ACROSS which only has two people working in it whose purpose is the conquest of the city and ultimately the world! Foul creature! YOU are an obstacle to Lord Ilpulazo’s great and noble plans to unify the world through conquest and he has personally ordered me, his blindly-devoted and unquestioningly loyal and lustful Excel, to eliminate you and…hey, where’d you go?!” The camera turned around to show the spot that had formerly been occupied by Zoicite, who was nowhere in the area. “HEY!!” screamed Excel, “Come back here and let me kill you!!! B@$tard!!!”

 

Jedite and Hotaru glanced at each other.

“Oh god, she’s just as bad as Sailor Moon with the intro speeches,” commented Hotaru.

“No, not quite,” replied Jedite, “Usagi’s SLIGHTLY better than Excel. At least Usagi has her moments. Excel’s just a complete idiot.”

 

Meanwhile, the scene switched again, showing Chibiusa, the Lunaball, Nako-Nako, and FishEye running for their lives through the construction yard. As they passed by a Porta-pottie, the door burst open and one of the Skinz jumped out. He was a big, fat guy wearing nothing but a hockey mask and jeans…which he was still trying to pull up with one hand. The Skin-ner just chuckled.

FishEye rushed forward and thrust his club straight into the Skin-ner’s huge gut, driving the bat over a foot into his stomach. The Skin-ner collapsed to the ground, dropping his club…and his pants.

 

Everyone at home cringed as the camera showed a top-down view of the Skin-ner falling to the ground, his big, fat, hairy, soiled @$$ exposed for all the world to see.

“Oh god!” cried Michiru, “I did NOT need to see that!”

“That just exceeds all the boundaries of good taste!” added Jedite.

“Agreed,” commented Rei.Bot.

“Eeeewwwww!” cried Minako, “What’s that hanging between his butt-cheeks?”

“It’s not a candy bar, that’s for damn sure,” said Artemis.

“Hey, what’s she…?” said Haruka, pointing at the screen as Chibiusa grabbed the bat off the ground.

“Oh my…!” cried Hotaru as Chibiusa positioned herself near the stricken Skin-ner’s head and raised the bar over her head.

 

“Help me…white brothers…” groaned the Skin-ner. Chibiusa laughed as she raised the bat. She then started whacking the ganger in the head. Over and over and over again. After about the sixth hit there was a loud wet crack. The camera focused on Nako-Nako, then FishEye, then the Lunaball as blood splattered across them. After a few more seconds of continuous whacking, the camera switched back to Chibiusa, who was panting like a Sumo, grinning like the Joker, and speckled with fresh blood.

“I’ve seen some screwed-up people in my time,” commented M.A, “But you definitely rank number one, kid!”

“Muahahahahahahaha…!!” cackled Chibiusa.

“Ku-pi??” said Nako-Nako, cowering behind FishEye’s leg. FishEye looked around.

“Hey, where’s Helios?” he stated, “Where’d he disappear to?”

 

C-Pov – the corner of an alley blocked by a large stack of lumber, cement bags, and cinderblocks. Helios skidded to a halt, trapped, then spun around. Two Skinz now had him cornered.

“Aww…sh!t!” cried Helios. Behind him, the Skinz began chuckling. “Uuuhhhh, listen,” began Helios, “Can’t we, like, make a deal or something? I mean, you can’t kill me!”

“Why the hell not?” demanded one of the Skinz.

“Yer just a half-breed,” said the other, “Yer an affront to the purity of man, boy.”

“Listen, the bounty,” continued Helios, “It’s only for a live capture. If you kill me you don’t get anything!” The two Skinz looked at each other.

“Isn’t that what that big lizard thing said a while back?” asked Skin-ner #1.

“I reckon so,” replied #2, “Sounds ‘bout right, ‘course I was drinkin’ pretty hard back there.”

“Listen,” said Helios, “I’m sure we can make some kinda deal here.”

“Ye-ah, I guess we can make some kinda deal here,” said #1. Helios let out a sigh of relief as he reached into his pocket.

“Look, I don’t have any cash on me but I can write you a check…” Helios reached around in his pockets and sweatdropped : his checkbook and his wallet were gone. Then he perked up a little. “Wait a sec…I’ve got my rings and stuff!”

“If we want your money, we’ll take your money,” snarled #2.

“Well, what do you want?” asked Helios.

“Well…we require that you get your @$$ over behind that woodpile over there,” said #1, pointing to a huge pile of plywood planks and metal piping. “Now git!!” Helios began walking, receiving an occasional push from one of the Skinz as they walked behind him. They soon walked around to the other side of the huge pile. On the other side of the pile was a high brick wall, forming a dimly-lit shadowy courtyard.

“Okay, now what…?” asked Helios. Skin-ner #1 ( let’s just call him Bubba ) pointed his club at him.

“Now let’s you just drop them pants!” he ordered.

“What?!” demanded Helios.

“Jus’ take ‘em riiiight off!” ordered Bubba again. Meanwhile, the other Skin-ner ( let’s just call him Zed, shall we ) walked around behind Helios so that Helios was between him and Bubba.

“Don’t argue now, just drop ‘em,” advised Zed.

“Just drop ‘em, boy!” ordered Bubba. Reluctantly, VERY reluctantly, Helios began to take off his expensive designer jeans. “An’ that shirt. Take it off.” Helios began sweatdropping, then he started taking off his Yankees baseball shirt. “Them panties…” continued Bubba, pointing at Helios’ black boxer shorts, “Take ‘em off!”

“No way,” he replied, “I don’t think so.” Suddenly, Bubba charged at him. Helios tried to turn, but Zed jabbed him in the guts with his club. Gasping hard, Helios crumpled to the ground…then Bubba had him.

 

Everyone watched in silence back at the Sub-Sen home as Helios got thrown around by Bubba, tossed and rolled into the dirt that covered the ground.

“What the hell is going on?” asked Minako, “What’s that guy doing to Helios?”

“I don’t know, but I’m certainly enjoying it,” replied Hotaru.

 

“Boy, you look just like a hog,” said Bubba, laughing a little after a minute of shoving Helios around. By now Helios was covered with dirt and was sobbing a little. Zed was laughing continuously as he watched everything. Bubba kicked Helios in the butt, sending him sprawling to the ground, then quickly moved in and sat on his back. He reached over, hooked two of his fingers into Helios’ nose and pulled up. “C’mon piggy! C’mon piggy-piggy! C’mon piggy! C’mon piggy-piggy! Gimme a ride! I wanna ride!” Helios just sobbed. “Shut the f#%$ up and give me a ride!” Bubba punctuated his statement by thumping his fist into Helios’ ribs. Helios VERY reluctantly began to give Bubba a twisted, perverted version of a horseback ride.

 

“Bwahahahahahahahahaha…!” laughed Hotaru as she started rolling on the floor. Artemis was snickering like crazy and Michiru was having a hard time keeping a straight face.

“Dude, normally I’ve got no objection to seeing Horse-boy put through this kind of treatment,” said Haruka, “But this is getting grotesque!”

“What? Are you actually complaining about it?” asked Jedite.

“No, I’m just saying this is getting really weird,” replied Haruka.

 

“Looks like we’ve got a sire instead of a boar,” commented Zed, “He got a real purty mouth, don’t he?” Helios cringed as Bubba grabbed him by the ears and yanked him to his feet.

“I bet you can squeal!” exclaimed Bubba, “I bet you can squeal like a pig! C’mon now. Squeal. Squeal! Weeeeeeeeeee!!!” Helios just sobbed loudly. “Oh, you can do better than that, boy. You can do better than that. C’mon, squeal! Weeeeeeeeeee!!”

“…eeeeeeeee…” sobbed Helios.

“Squeal louder…!” yelled Bubba. Helios moaned louder. “Louder…!” A louder moan from Helios. “Louder…!!” This time Helios squealed. “Louder!!!” Helios squealed again. “Louder!!! Yeah!!!” Bubba shoved Helios to the ground, got down behind him, and grabbed Helios’ underwear. Helios REALLY began to panic. “Yeah, git them britches down! We gonna have some fun now! C’mon, squeal!!! Weeeeeeeee!!!”

“Eeeeeeeee!!” yelled Helios as Bubba yanked off his underwear…and he began to realize what was going to happen. So did everyone back at the Suburban Senshi home. Elsewhere in the construction site, the haunting tunes of a banjo playing “Yankee Doodle” could clearly be heard.

 

“OH MY GODDESS!” screamed Minako, facefaulting “That guy’s going to…! He’s going to…!” Tomoe, Jedite, and Haruka all burst out into hysterical laughter.

“Oh, this is just SICK!” cried Michiru, “I like it, but it’s just sick!”

“Oh man,” added Artemis, “Zoicite’s being chased by Excel, Helios is going to be ridden like a pig, and Chibiusa and the others are getting set up for an ambush…THIS F^#%ING ROCKS!!!”

“Helios’ great shame…” intoned Rei.Bot, “The scene from “Deliverance”…sure sucks to be him.” All of a sudden the screen went black…

 

INTERMISSION – SPOREHUNT WILL RESUME IN 5 MINUTES.

 

“Good!” cried Michiru as she leapt to her feet, “I’ve gotta pee like you wouldn’t believe!” Haruka rushed over to the phone and picked it up.

“I’ve gotta call Setsuna,” she stated, “This just rules! I gotta see if she wants in on this!” Hotaru just kept staring at the TV screen, her eyes unblinking, her face twisted by a sick grin.

“Uhm, Hotaru?” asked Minako, “Are you all right?” Artemis sat up and waved his paw in front of Hotaru’s face a few times. Suddenly, Hotaru started laughing…low and slowly at first, but then she leaned back against the couch and burst out into great, huge peals of mad, hysterical laughter usually reserved for the likes of Jinnai from “El Hazard”.

“Squeal like a pig, Helios!!!” she screamed, “Squeal! SQUEEEEEEAAAL!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!!!” Minako looked at Hotaru nervously, then moved away.

“I think I’ll just sit over here for the rest of the night…”

 

 

End of Part Three

 

Who are the new Sporehunters?

Will Chibiusa and the others escape the ambush?

Will Zoicite survive the wrath of Excel?

Will Helios really be “violated”? Hotaru : “Yes! Yes! Please say yes!!”

 

Find out in the next exciting episode of Sporehunt! You won’t be disappointed!

 

 

 

 

 

 



Episode 4

T & M Productions, in Association with Xadium Studios

T & M Productions, in Association with Xadium Studios

And the Suburban Senshi Signal Corps

Shamelessly Presents…

 

Suburban Senshi : Sporehunt

Episode 4

 

Kill the Spore. Kill the F$^%ing Spore!

 

 

Usual legal stuff : The following story and its sequels are works of pure parody and fiction and do not represent actual views, attitudes, and feelings. Except in regard to Chibiusa Tsukino who needs to be summarily executed. Just about all of the characters portrayed in this are pretty much the property of someone else. They know who they are. I’m not stealing them; I’m just borrowing them for a little bit. Imitation and imagination are the sincerest forms of flattery.

 

 

“Bwahahahahahahahaha…!” The sound of Hotaru’s mad laughter filled the house as she replayed Helios’ “Squeal like a Pig” scene over and over again. In the meantime everyone else was either taking care of some last-minute business or using the bathroom.

“Dammit,” hissed Haruka, “I can’t get through to Setsuna.”

“Hmph,” snorted Michiru, “Who needs her.”

“And Xadium’s not back yet,” added Minako, “That sucks. He should be here for this.” Rei.Bot nodded.

“Agreed,” she intoned. Meanwhile, Hotaru kept on laughing as she replayed the “Squeal like a Pig” scene AGAIN. Tomoe was laughing right along with her. Jedite grinned fiendishly as he watched Helios getting “abused”.

“Oh yeah!” he sighed, grabbing another beer, “Now THIS is what I call quality home entertainment. Maybe they’ll nail Zoicite next. I hear he’s into this kinda thing…”

“Okay, Hotaru, that’s enough,” stated Minako, “Once or twice was fine, but you’ve played this scene eight times! Aren’t you getting bored?” Hotaru turned towards her, her eyes glowing an evil purple.

“No!!” she hissed, “Muahahahahahahaha!!” Jedite and Tomoe joined in laughing as they all watched Helios “git them britches down”.

“Okay, okay!” cried Haruka, “We’re all here, so let it play through to the next part already!” Hotaru stopped laughing and frowned.

“Oh, fine!” she said with a huff. She pressed “play” on the remote and let the movie continue.

 

Helios was freaking out as another shadow fell across him. Nearby “Yankee Doodle” was still being played at breakneck speeds on a banjo. He looked up to see Zed standing in front of him, smiling.

“You gonna do some prayin’ fer me, boy,” stated Zed, “And you better pray good!” Zed unzipped his pants…

Suddenly, Zed threw his arms up like he was about to burst into song, opening his mouth to let out a huge, agonized screech. He spun around, revealing that he was now bleeding copiously from a deep puncture wound to his butt. Nako-Nako darted off to the side, her horn thickly covered with Zed’s blood. FishEye gripped his club tightly with both hands, set himself up, and swung at Zed’s head. There was an awesome crack, then the camera moved slightly to show Zed’s head flying through the air like a homerun by Babe Ruth.

“Oooo!” commented M.A. over the radio, “Zed’s dead, baby! Zed’s dead!” Meanwhile, Bubba shoved Helios aside and tried to get to his feet. Then he jerked to a halt as he felt something get rammed forcefully up into his butt.

“Pink Sugar Heart Attack!” Bubba screamed like a schoolgirl as his belly bulged out ( even more than it already was ) almost two feet, then he was launched forcefully into the air by the pressure being created inside him. Still screaming, Bubba was flung almost thirty feet into a solid concrete wall, smashing into it like a frog hitting a windshield…and making a similar mess.

 

“A pink sugar heart attack up his @$$??!!” cried Haruka, “Damn, that would like liquefy his insides! Ow!”

“Talk about movin’ the mail!” added Michiru, cringing a little, “Ow is right!”

“But Horse-boy didn’t get violated!” snapped Jedite, “Dammit!”

“I agree,” added Hotaru, “What a let-down. I’m not satisfied.”

 

Chibiusa, Nako-Nako, and FishEye watched as Helios curled up into a fetal position and started rocking back and forth, shuddering.

“I am not yaoi,” he mumbled, “I am not yaoi…I am not yaoi…”

“Helios, why the f#^% are you sitting there buck-naked?” demanded Chibiusa.

“Helios was about to “get ridden” so to speak,” replied M.A over the radio. Chibiusa gasped.

“What?! You mean he was about to be…?” asked Chibiusa, “You better not be gay, Helios!” FishEye and Nako-Nako burst out laughing.

“I think it’s too late for that,” replied FishEye, “You’re one of us now, Horse-boy!”

“Yup,” added M.A, “You’re an honorary yaoi-boy!”

“There’s no turning back!” stated FishEye.

“And I got it ALL down, too!” exclaimed M.A, “From every possible angle!”

“Squeeeeeeee!” cried Nako-Nako. Helios immediately burst out into a full-blown Sailor Moon wail : he was never going to live this down.

 

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Everyone in the Sub-Sen home was once again on the floor, convulsing in hysterical laughter.

“I knew there was something funny about Helios,” called out Tomoe, “Now we’ve got the proof! Muahahahahahaha!”

 

“Get your clothes on and quit your b!^*hing!” shouted Chibiusa as Helios slowly got to his feet, crying all the while, “And wait ‘til we get outta this sh!t. I’m gonna kick your @$$ so hard for turning gay on me, you sh!thead!”

“It’s not true!” screamed Helios, “I’m not gay!” FishEye and Nako-Nako looked at each other, smirked, and started nodding.

“Yeah, right,” said FishEye, “That’s what you’d like us to think. Come on, Helios. Don’t be ashamed of how Naoko Takeuchi made you!”

“Squeeeeeeee!” cried Nako-Nako.

“SHUT UP!!!” screamed Helios. FishEye and Nako-Nako dodged aside as Helios threw a rock at them. “Just shut up! Oh god, I feel so dirty…( sob )!”

“Quit screwing around!” ordered Chibiusa, “Let’s find that shed and get the f^%$ outta here!” They all stopped. “Yankee Doodle” was STILL being played. They all looked around one of the stacks of wood to see a weird looking American kid sitting on the ground. He was wearing only overalls and a tattered baseball cap, had a strange blank empty expression and very few teeth, and was playing a banjo so fast that his fingers were almost a blur.

“Where the hell did this kid come from?” asked FishEye, “And why the hell’s he just sitting there?” The weird kid just smiled vacuously at them as he kept on playing. Frowning, Chibiusa snatched the banjo out of his hands and proceeded to bash the weird kid’s head in with it.

 

FishEye, Helios, and Nako-Nako watched in shocked silence as Chibiusa beat the kid to death with his own banjo. The discordant sounds of the banjo breaking apart were strangely soothing for some reason.

“Stupid f&^%ing redneck Skinz!” snapped Chibiusa as she tossed away the splintered remains of the banjo, “I hate these b@$tards!”

“I think the feeling’s mutual,” stated FishEye.

“Jeez, you whacked the kid like twenty times!” exclaimed Helios.

“Now let’s get to that shed before the SporeHunters get here,” ordered Chibiusa, “And where the f$&^ is Zoicite, anyway?”

 

The scene switched, showing Zoicite as he ran for his life through the construction yard. He leapt over a pile of cement bags, almost tripping as he landed, and kept running, knocking over an empty barrel as he rushed past. A moment later Excel appeared. Growling like a dog, she jumped over the cement bag pile, landed effortlessly, hopped over the knocked-down barrel, and continued her pursuit of her prey.

“Come back here!” she shouted, “Come back here and let me kill you, you jerk!”

“Help!” screamed Zoicite, “I’m being chased by a psychotic homicidal maniac! Somebody help me!” Suddenly, a pair of Skinz appeared in front of him.

“Where you goin’, city boy?!” called out one of them. Zoicite barged past them and kept going. The Skinz looked back…then they were hacked to pieces by Excel as she ran past.

“None shall stand in the way of Lord Ilpulazzo!!” she screamed as she hacked one Skin-ner down, then decapitated the other, “All who oppose Lord Ilpulazzo in any way must die, because all who oppose him oppose the ultimate goal of ACROSS…world peace and the end of corruption and evil and suffering everywhere so that all people can live without fear! Hail Ilpulazzo!”

“So you’re saying this ACROSS-thing is dedicated to doing away with corruption and evil and suffering in all forms, yet you say that everyone who stands against it has to be killed?!” called out Zoicite as he ran, “What the f^%# kind of logic is that??!!” Excel skidded to a halt and stared off into space as she tried to figure Zoicite’s statement out.

“Uhhhhh…” she mumbled for a few seconds, then she went into hyperactive mode again, “Oh, just hurry up and let me kill you, you corrupted fiend!!” Zoicite kept on running and Excel kept on chasing after him. Running past a row of portapotties, he suddenly skidded to a halt. Smirking a little, he dashed over to the side near a building foundation and sat down, waiting for Excel. He didn’t have to wait long.

Panting like a dog, Excel skidded to a halt, then laughed evilly as she gripped her sword tightly and slowly approached Zoicite. He was sitting on the ground with both of his hands placed over his eyes.

“Oh, don’t even think of trying to trick me into thinking that if you can’t see me I can’t see you,” she snarled, “That trick doesn’t work on me any more…”

 

“You mean it USED to work on her?” asked Artemis.

“Wow,” said Minako, “Usagi never told me she had an older sister…”

“How do you know Excel’s not YOUR older sister?” asked Jedite, “I see a distinct intellectual resemblance.”

“Same here,” added Tomoe, “And they’ve both got back!” Minako quickly grabbed her “whack-wand” and smacked Tomoe on top of the head again.

 

Excel prepared to strike. Zoicite quickly looked up at her.

“Wait,” he called out, “You don’t want to kill me.”

“Yes I do,” replied Excel, “You’re nothing more than an annoying painful zit on the butt of society!”

“You don’t understand,” continued Zoicite, “I’m not really here. I’m just a holographic projection that was put here to distract you. The real Zoicite’s over there in that porta-pottie.” Zoicite pointed at one of the porta-potties.

“Oh really?!” demanded Excel, “You devious deviant, trying to fool Excel! You’ll soon feel the wrath of Lord Ilpulazzo!” Excel rushed over to the porta-pottie and flung the door open, and looked around. Naturally, she didn’t see anyone, but she quickly saw the big hole. Grinning, she began to stab her sword down the hole repeatedly. “Die! Diediediediediedie…!!” Zoicite immediately dashed over, slammed the door shut, and slapped on the deadbolt. As Excel began to freak out and pound on the door, Zoicite rushed around to the other side and, straining with all his might, knocked the porta-pottie over onto its door…with Excel still trapped inside.

 

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!!” screamed everyone.

“Oh, that’s just nasty!” shouted Artemis.

“Serves the bimbo right,” commented Jedite, “That was almost too easy.”

“Damn! That was pure, unadulterated evil we just saw,” said Haruka.

“Who, Zoicite or Excel?” asked Hotaru.

“Zoicite, of course,” replied Haruka, “Excel’s just pure unadulterated stupidity.”

“You know, I think Rei did that to Usagi once…” stated Minako.

 

Zoicite began to quickly walk away, eager to get the hell away from Excel as she really began to go hyperactive. The porta-pottie rocked violently from her feverish pounding.

“Aaaaaahhhhhh!!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “You fiendish b@$tard! How dare you trick Excel like this! Do you jerks actually enjoy seeing a pretty girl like me get subjected to banal, mindless toilet humor?! Lemme outta here! And what’s all this cold, mushy, wet stuff pouring out onto me that stinks so bad?! Oh sh!t…it’s sh!t! It’s sh!t!!! IT’S SH!T!! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! It’s a gushin’!! It’s a gushin’!! It’s a gushin’!! Hyatt! Pedro! Menshi! Lord Ilpulazzo! Great Will of the Macrocosm! Somebody get me outta here!! Aaaaaaaahhhhhh! I’m never going to get married…!!” Excel let out a full-throttle Sailor Moon wail as she continued to pummel on the plastic walls of her prison.

 

C-Pov – the end of an alleyway that a Skin-ner was standing in. Suddenly, the Skin-ner made a horrible choking sound as Helios slipped a leather belt around his neck and yanked it tight. Chibiusa and FishEye quickly rushed around in front of the guy and proceeded to beat and hack the Skin-ner to death. Helios, grinning furiously, twisted hard – a loud snap came from the skin-head’s neck.

“Yeah!” hissed Helios, “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about. Word up!”

“These f#^%ers are getting boring,” said Chibiusa as she wiped the blood off her sword.

“I’ll say,” replied M.A., “Finish up with these white supremacist jerks, find your new team member, and get outta there. I got lots more planned for you suckers to do before the night’s over. Remember, look for a shed with a blue X painted on the door.”

“Yeah yeah…” grumbled FishEye. He then glanced up the alleyway. “Hey, what’s that?” The camera swiveled and zoomed in on a single rose stuck into the ground.

“Kupi?” asked Nako-Nako.

“You don’t think…?” asked Helios. Chibiusa use immediately blushed as hearts appeared in her eyes.

“Mamo-chan!!” she cried, “Mamoru’s come to rescue me! At last! Mamo-chan! Your Chibiusa’s coming!!!” Dropping the sword, Chibiusa quickly began skipping happily towards the rose, leaving Nako-Nako, FishEye, and Helios behind, sweatdropping something fierce. The three of them looked at each other, then started following Chibiusa, not sure what was going on.

“Oh look!” cried Chibiusa, pointing straight ahead, “There’s another rose! And another! And there’s another up ahead!” She kept on skipping, which soon began to make FishEye and Nako-Nako feel nauseous.

 

“I know the feeling…” grumbled Jedite, not feeling too well himself.

“My teeth are starting to hurt,” said Hotaru.

“Mine, too,” added Tomoe.

“All of a sudden I have this craving for insulin,” stated Michiru. Artemis suddenly sat up on his hind legs and clapped his paws together twice and began praying Shinto-style.

“Oh great Belldandy,” he prayed, “Keeper of all that is pure, please pretty-please, don’t let Chibiusa sing that damned “Incest Song”!”

“What’s with all the dang roses?” asked FishEye. Nako-Nako shrugged.

“If it is Cape-boy, why doesn’t he just stand on top of some building or materials piles and make some dumb, long-winded speech or something?” added Helios, “This makes no f^%#ing sense.” FishEye thought for a moment.

“Maybe he doesn’t want to get shot at by the SporeHunters,” he replied, “I mean, magical attacks are one thing, but bullets and plasma grenades? Cape-boy probably wouldn’t last three seconds against that.” Helios shrugged as they kept following Chibiusa.

 

The scene changed, showing Zoicite as he skidded to a halt and ducked into the shadow of a building to catch his breath. In the distance he could still hear the alternating heart-rending sobs and soul-chilling shrieks of Excel as she struggled to get out.

“Okay, Zoicite,” began M.A. over the radio, “Break’s over. You’re close to the shed.” With a grumble, Zoicite stood up and looked around. Sure enough, he saw a small tool shed with a blue X painted on the door. He waited for a few seconds as some Skinz dashed past, heading towards the porta-potties to find out who the hell was making all that noise. As the Skinz past by, Zoicite quickly dashed over to the shed and went inside.

The first thing he noticed was a large burlap sack that hanged from the ceiling. Rakes were scattered all over the place and something was struggling inside the sack. Zoicite walked over to the rope from which the sack hanged and untied it. The sack hit the ground with a loud thud.

“Me-oowww!!” cried the occupant as she tried to pull herself out, “Careful, you jerk! That hurt!”

“Well excuse the f^%# out of me,” retorted Zoicite as he tried to find a new weapon amongst all the tools. Then he saw who was in the bag.

Standing before him was a teenaged girl with yellow eyes, fair skin, and long black hair tied into two braids which joined together halfway down her back. She wore a tight-fitting, cleavage-revealing skirted black pleather suit, an earpiece radio, the skullcap she wore had a number of bells on it, and her GPS collar had bells on it, too.

Standing in front of Zoicite was Sailor Tin Nyanko.

“Suzu “Tin” Nyanko,” announced M.A., “She’s the newest addition to the Spores. She’s wanted on two charges of attempted premeditated murder, possession and use of an illegal weapon, and of being an intolerable shmooze in general. The bounty on Tin-Tin here is $15000 American.” Nyanko immediately flushed red.

“Hey!” she shouted, “Don’t call me Tin-Tin, you succubus b!^*h!” Zoicite blanched a little.

“Keep it down!” he urged, “Those SporeHunters are getting closer and those damn Skinz aren’t too far away. By the way, what the hell were you doing in that sack?” Nyanko cringed as she rubbed some of the bruises on her body.

“Getting the crap beaten out of me, that’s what!” replied Nyanko, “I scratched one of them earlier so they punished me by putting me into a burlap sack and beating me with rakes.”

 

Everyone at the Suburban Senshi residence burst out into snickers.

“Was she being insolent?” asked Haruka.

“Or ill-tempered?” added Jedite.

“Oohh, very!” replied Michiru.

“She’d drink, she’d womanize, she’d make outrageous statements like she invented the question mark,” said Tomoe.

“Sometimes she’d accuse chestnuts of being lazy,” stated Rei.Bot.

“Her childhood was standard,” added Artemis, grinning, “Summers in Rangoon…luge lessons…in the springtime they’d make meat helmets!” Minako looked at them, totally confused.

“What are you people talking about?” she asked.

“Never mind, Mina,” replied Hotaru, then she broke out in a huge grin, “The particulars of their lives are quite in-con-se-quen-tial!” Everyone burst out laughing again…except Minako.

“I don’t get it,” she said.

 

“So how’d you get caught?” asked Zoicite as he picked up a crowbar.

“Lead Crow and Aluminum Siren tracked me down and kicked my @$$,” replied Nyanko, “That’s where I got half of these bruises from.” Nyanko started sobbing a little. “Then they turned me over to their friends and THEY worked me over…” She cried some more. “Then they put this horrible collar on me on told me I was going to be hunted down like a DOG! A DOG! They called me a DOG, of all things!” She started crying full throttle. “Oh! Why?! Why, Kami-sama, why?!”

“Because you’re a schmoozing, butt-kissing, back-stabbing tramp who nearly killed two of my closest friends,” replied M.A. over the radio, “So shut up!”

“F^%# you, Morrigan!” shouted back Nyanko. She suddenly yowled in pain like a cat getting its tail stepped on as she got zapped by an electric shock. Nyanko cringed again as she got zapped a second time.

“What the f%#%?!” cried Zoicite.

“Heh-heh,” replied M.A., “Nyanko’s collar is designed to also give an electric shock whenever I flip a switch. It’s a little bonus feature I included…mostly because I truly don’t like her. Nyanko talks too much.”

“Hmph, like a certain director we know,” grumbled Zoicite, “Wait a second, who’s this Morrigan person you’re talking about?”

“She’s the director, dumb@$$!” retorted Nyanko, “Morrigan Aensland, the succubus from “DarkStalkers”. She’s the one running this whole mess.”

 

C-Pov – the inside of the TV console room. The shadow-clad female leaned forward into the light, revealing a beautiful, well-endowed lady with long green hair and black bat-like wings, wearing black boots and an outfit that looked like it came straight from “Victoria’s Secret”…or “Fredericks of Hollywood”. Morrigan smiled knowingly.

“That’s correct,” she stated, “M.A…Morrigan Aensland. Took you guys long enough to figure that out. Now that you’ve found your newest member hurry up and get back together with the others. They’re about to run into…” Morrigan glanced at a TV screen that showed a Warthog parked in some shadows, its occupants lurking in ambush. “…trouble!”

 

“Morrigan Aensland?!” cried Artemis, “That’s the gal who’s directing “Sporehunt”?”

“Wait a sec…” said Hotaru as she calculated something in her head, “T&M Productions…Talon and Morrigan Productions?! What the f^%#?!”

“Muahahahahahaha!” shouted Tomoe, “She’s a babe!!! And she’s a succubus, too! ”

“No kidding,” added Haruka, “Did you see the outfit she was wearing?” Michiru promptly whacked Haruka upside the head. Jedite have Haruka a weird look.

“You were staring at the outfit?” he retorted, “What’s up with you? That girl’s got a body that makes Minako look like a wrinkled old hag.”

“What?!! Why you…!!” Minako grabbed Jedite, yanked him off the couch, and proceeded to smack the ever-loving crap out of him. Everyone else just observed and sweatdropped.

 

The scene changed, showing a wide open courtyard ringed by several small buildings, a few construction vehicles, and several piles of building materials. Chibiusa was still happily skipping along, following the trail of roses sticking out of the dirt.

“Rain or shine…I’m happiest!” she sang loudly, “When I’m with Tuxedo Mask! He makes me sing he makes me laugh…!”

 

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH…!” shrieked Artemis. Haruka desperately lunged for the remote, but slammed into Jedite as he tried to grab it and they both fell to the ground, sending the remote flying to the opposite side of the room.

“Make her stop!” screamed Michiru, “Make her stop! My ears are bleeding!” Hotaru flopped over and began convulsing.

“Too…much…sugar…” gurgled Hotaru, “Need…antidote…” Tomoe rushed over to the nearest potted plant and noisy threw up into it.

“Ow!” cried Minako as she suddenly grabbed the side of her jaw, “Toothache! Toothache! Ow! Ow! It’s getting worse! I think my gums are bleeding!” Rei.Bot quickly rushed to the bathroom and came back holding several syringes which she handed out to everyone.

“Insulin,” she stated. Everyone immediately began shooting up, inoculating themselves against Chibiusa’s sickening display of cuteness. Relief was almost instantaneous.

 

The scene switched, showing Zoicite and Nyanko rushing through the construction yard.

“FishEye! Helios! Somebody answer me!” cried Zoicite into the radio.

 

FishEye, Nako-Nako, and Helios stopped. Chibiusa was still ahead of them and the distance was growing. The pink spore was almost running by now.

“Zoicite?” replied FishEye, “Where the f^%# have you been?! We could’ve used your help a while ago, you know!”

 

“I’ve been having problems of my own, you cross-dressing freak,” snapped Zoicite, “Listen, I’ve found the other person we were told to look for…”

“Hiiiiiiii!” called out Nyanko into the radio.

“…I’ve also found out who the director is,” continued Zoicite, “It’s Morrigan Aensland!”

 

“The succubus from “DarkStalkers”?” replied FishEye.

“Kupi?” added Nako-Nako.

“Damn!” said Helios, “Now she’s one fine piece of boo-tay! I gotta gets me some of that succubus @$$!! It’s all good…it’s all okay…it’ll all work out when she and I start to play!” Nako-Nako and FishEye glanced at each other and groaned.

“Ku-PI!!” shouted Nako-Nako as she gave Helios a swift kick in the shin.

 

“Where’s the spore-child?” demanded Zoicite.

 

FishEye and Helios looked around. Chibiusa was about thirty feet ahead of them. She’d stopped and was staring at something straight ahead. FishEye, Nako-Nako, and Helios moved closer. In the middle of the yard was a single folding chair. Sitting in it was a figure wearing what looked like a cape and tuxedo. He was holding a rose in his hand.

“Mamo-chan!!!” screamed Chibiusa as she ran forward, outrunning the Lunaball and laughing happily, oblivious to everything else around her.

“Whoa! It’s Cape-boy!” called out FishEye, “Oooo! And he looks GOOD!” FishEye started to pick up the pace as he followed after Chibiusa.

 

“No!” cried Nyanko, “Morrigan said something earlier. I think it’s an ambush!”

 

“Kupi?” asked Nako-Nako.

“Ambush?” asked Helios. They both looked at each other in surprise. Then they started staring fearfully into the darkness. The camera view followed around, moving left and right randomly…then focused and zoomed in on one spot. It was difficult to make out, but the outline of a parked Warthog was just discernable against the side of a wall.

 

The TV room of the Suburban Senshi was totally silent as everyone watched eagerly, barely daring to breathe as they awaited the carnage.

 

Laughing happily, Chibiusa dashed up to the tuxedo-clad figure and leapt into his arms, hugging him tight.

“Mamo-chan!!” she cried, “You came! You finally came! Now I can finally get this f^%#ing collar off and you can kill those f^#%ing SporeHunters and we can go home and you can let me f^$# you until your liver explodes!!” She squeezed harder. “I know that’s what you want, so just admit it and we can start making out right here if you want, right in front of Helios and FishEye and everyone else! How about that?” She looked up and smiled…then facefaulted. She was staring into the blank-eyed, wide-mouthed face of an inflatable blow-up doll. “What the f^%#?! This isn’t my Mamo-chan??!!”

* thunk * Chibiusa looked down and saw a small black cylinder bounce off the ground, coming to a halt a few feet away from the chair. Another cylinder landed nearby a second later.

“( blink, blink ) Huh?” asked Chibiusa, “What are…?” Both flash-bang grenades detonated with a devastating 200-decible explosion and searing flashes of light. Chibiusa was immediately flung to the ground, blinded, deafened, and stunned out of her mind.

 

“YEAH!!” shouted Adam, triumphantly as he watched the flash-bang grenades go off, “Nailed the b!^*h!”

“Everyone attack!” yelled Solarchos. Seiya cackled maniacally as she took aim at the prone Chibiusa. The ambush had been sprung. Morrigan laughed out loud over the radio. A fast-paced, kick-@$$, headbanging, speed-metal guitar riff began playing (Pantera’s “kick-@$$ fight scene music” from the movie “Ghosts of Mars”, to be exact ) as the SporeHunters began shooting.

 

FishEye skidded to a halt, his eyes nearly popping out of his head as the shooting began. He looked down as an orange laser-dot appeared on his chest.

“Uh-oh…!” he groaned. A moment later a shotgun blast rang out and a 12-gauge solid-slug stun round struck him with the force of a mule kicking him in the chest. FishEye was knocked off his feet and slammed into a pile of cement bags.

 

“HELL YEAH!!” shouted Haruka. Tomoe started laughing and Jedite began headbanging. Michiru looked at them with undisguised disgust.

“Honestly,” she grumbled, “You people are such barbarians.”

“Oh, yeah,” retorted Jedite, “Like you weren’t going nuts when Barney was getting torn to shreds.” Michiru shrugged.

“Okay, you got me there,” she admitted.

 

Zoicite and Nyanko threw themselves to the ground as more gunfire erupted near them and bullets began whipping past them. They both looked up to see two new figures emerge out of the shadows. The first was a mean-looking guy with short black hair, unusually blue eyes, and wearing combat boots and black and grey camouflage clothing. A broadsword was slung behind his back, a small battle-axe hanged from his belt, and clutched in his hands was a 12-gauge shotgun. The scene froze for a moment and the name “Leudast” appeared, then the scene resumed.

The second person was, in fact, a girl with long delicate bright-red hair and eyes to match, tight red clothing, and rather loose gauzy pants that were almost transparent. On one wrist she wore a bracer from which three long, curved blades extended, sheathed by her side was a sword with a blade of black crystal, and clutched in her hands was a Russian Dragunov sniper rifle. Nyanko gasped as she recognized her.

“Princess Kakyuu?!” she yelped, “You’re one of the SporeHunters?!” Kakyuu nodded and smiled, her usually benign expression turning into one of savage anticipation.

“Yup,” replied Kakyuu, “The fireball princess of fragrant olives has now become the queen of @$$-kicking! Leudast…” Leudast glanced at Kakyuu. “I now decree that the time is perfect to layeth the smacketh down on these losers!” Leudast broke out into a huge, mad grin.

“Gladly,” he replied. Zoicite screamed in terror, jumped to his feet, and started running.

“Hey!!” shouted Nyanko as she leapt to her feet, “Wait for me you bunghole! Don’t leave me behind with these psychotic freaks!!” Nyanko quickly stopped as she smelled something very odd. “Ewww…! What’s that stench?” Leudast and Kakyuu stopped and looked at her strangely.

“What smell?” asked Leudast. Nyanko sniffed again and shuddered.

“Ugh! It’s coming from you bozos,” retorted Nyanko, “Hey, princess. I thought you were supposed to be the princess of fragrant olives, not rancid feces?” Kakyuu’s face immediately flushed as red as her hair.

“WHAT THE F^%# ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??!!” she screeched. Suddenly, Nyanko’s face became as white as Iron Mouse’s costume. She trembled fearfully as she pointed at something behind Leudast and Kakyuu. Leudast and Kakyuu slowly turned around…and instantly facefaulted.

Standing not more than ten feet away was a vaguely human figure clutching a huge, filth-encrusted sword. The figure panted heavily, its shorts and jacket completely saturated with near-liquid human excrement. Its long hair was hopelessly tangled, covered with liquid crap, and so thickly coated that it was almost impossible to determine its original color. Its green eyes seemed to glow with the fires of rage and insanity. From its mouth came a low, awful chuckle.

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!” screamed Minako in terror.

“It’s the Excremental from “Dogma”!” shouted Jedite.

“A what?” asked Minako.

“A sh!t demon!” cried Hotaru.

“No that is Excel,” intoned Rei.Bot, “She managed to get out of…the Porta-pottie.”

“Oh my god, that’s even WORSE!” cried Haruka.

“I’ve never used one of those filthy porta-potties before,” stated Michiru, “And after seeing THAT I’m going to be afraid to go near one for the rest of my life! That is just SCARY!”

“I think I’m going to have nightmares about that!” added Hotaru. Professor Tomoe just kept on laughing.

 

“Lord Ilpulazzo!!” screamed Excel, “Your loyal Excel has escaped from her sh!tty, crappy prison and continues of her crusade to bring swift terrible death to those who oppose you! You b@$tards thought you could lock a pretty girl like me in a plastic box and pour all kinds of foul substances all over my young gorgeous body and laugh at me but you’re MISTAKEN!! Nothing can stop Excel from carrying out the wishes of Lord Ilpulazzo for he is…” Kakyuu and Leudast glanced at each other, eyebrows twitching, then simultaneously opened fire on Excel and blew her away while Nyanko ran for her life.

 

“YES!!!” shrieked Haruka, Hotaru, and Jedite, headbanging like mad.

 

Helios yelped as bullets began to impact against the wall next to him. He dived to the ground, barely evading a 12-gauge stun round. Nako-Nako’s hat was knocked off her head as a plasma grenade exploded nearby.

“Remember, SporeHunters,” advised Morrigan over the radio, “The bounty on Nako-Nako is “double if dead”. Muahahahahaha!”

 

Wolfwood, Seiya, and Jup.Knight glanced at each other, grinned, and all nodded. All of them turned and aimed at Nako-Nako while Solarchos switched to his MA5B assault rifle. Meanwhile, Adam and Starcat charged towards the stunned Chibiusa.

 

“Ku-PIIIIIIIII…!!!” wailed Nako-Nako, diving for cover as bullets and laser blasts began to tear up everything around her. Helios stayed right where he was as a laser bolt flashed over him and struck a propane tank somewhere behind him, causing it to explode like a small bomb.

“Uhhh…Mamo-chan…?” groaned Chibiusa as she pulled herself upright. Her ears were ringing like crazy and she could barely see anything due to the bright afterimages that seared her retinas. She staggered to her feet, groping around herself with her hands. “Mamo-chan…where are…?” Suddenly, she heard a loud whooshing sound coming from somewhere nearby. “Is that…?”

Adam laughed wildly as he swung the Go-Go flail around, bringing it up to speed, then whacked Chibiusa full in the stomach, sending the pink spore flying backwards…right towards Starcat as she swung her baseball bat and nailed her in the middle of the back…sending her flying right back towards Adam.

 

“YES! YES! YES!” shrieked Jedite as he and Haruka continued to headbang wildly. Tomoe was still laughing non-stop.

“This is so f^%#ing AWESOME!!!” screamed Haruka.

“Yeah!” shouted Hotaru, “Hit ‘em! Hit ‘em! Hit ‘em!”

“Nako-Nako…!” wailed Minako, crying piteously, “Oh the humanity…!”

“Kill that b!^*h Excel!” cried Michiru.

“Yeah! Yeah!” added Artemis, “Smoke that mother like she ain’t no thang!” He and Michiru high-fived ( or, pawed in Artemis’ case ) each other. Rei.Bot just kept smiling…which got even broader as a splintered plank landed on Helios’ head.

 

“Beat on the brat…! Beat on the brat…! Beat on the brat with a baseball bat!!” chanted Starcat and Adam as they continued to beat the crap out of Chibiusa. A whack from Starcat sent Chibiusa sprawling back into the dirt.

The camera scene switched, showing Zoicite and Nyanko as they rushed into the field.

“Holy crap!!” screamed Nyanko as bullets whipped past her, “What the hell is this? The opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan”?!” She and Zoicite quickly threw themselves to the ground as a flash-bang grenade exploded nearby.

 

“Saving Private Ryan,” sighed Jedite, “Those first fifteen minutes were so heart-warming…”

“What?!” cried Hotaru, “How can you say that?! You and Haruka were both high-fiving each other and shouting “Hoody-hoo” during that whole beginning scene every time one of those poor soldiers died! That was supposed to be a poignant and moving film, not a comedy for you sickos!”

“Hey!” retorted Haruka, indignantly, “I was moved! I got into that movie. I low-crawled it to the concession stand and back, remember?”

“I was embarrassed to be there with you!” exclaimed Hotaru, “I mean, you two actually stood up and CLAPPED when that soldier with the flamethrower exploded! I was praying that no one would recognize me!”

“Saving Private Ryan was the sh!t,” stated Jedite, “I’ve got that whole beginning scene recorded as a continuous loop playback. I call it “World War Three and Then Some”.” He nudged Haruka. “I’ll show it to you later if you want.”

“Oh HELL yes!!” replied Haruka. Hotaru just sighed and slumped her shoulders in disgust.

 

C-pov : alternating slow-motion close-ups of the SporeHunter’s various guns firing at Nako-Nako as she remained motionless behind cover, screaming in terror as bricks, rocks, and wood all around her exploded and shattered, showering her with the debris. The scene switched and showed Chibiusa looking up just in time to take a whack from Adam’s flail right in her side. Starcat followed up with a good, solid kick to the pink spore’s butt. Meanwhile, the Lunaball just hovered nearby. A moment later the Skinz began to rush into the ambush site.

“Git ‘em all, boys!” shouted one of them, “They ALL a bunch a no-good halfbreeds!”

“White power!” screamed another Skin-ner.

“Purify the white bloodline!” shouted another.

“What the hell are you morons talking about?!” retorted Solarchos, “I’m descended from British royalty! If that’s the case, then MY blood’s purer than ALL of you white supremacist @$$holes combined!!”

 

The scene switched, showing a rather surprised Morrigan staring at the TV screens as the Skinz began charging at everyone.

“What the f&^#?!” she cried, “The hell are they doing out there?! All right, that does it. SporeHunters, I’m authorizing a general @$$kicking on all of those white supremacist, redneck dumb@$$es. Nail ‘em!” The camera zoomed in to show Wolfwood’s smile.

“Oh yeah, I can dig that,” he hissed.

 

Suddenly, something else happened. Up until now, the Lunaball had just been hovering passively and doing nothing. That changed as the Skinz began attacking everyone. Its eyes blinked red for a moment, then a little hole opened in its mouth.

“Warning,” announced the Lunaball, speaking with a slight British accent, “M808V automated defense system activated. Multiple targets detected. Commencing active defense…ex-terminate! Ex-terminate!”

“The hell…?” asked Adam as the Lunaball turned towards him and Starcat. Several Skinz began rushing up towards them, brandishing baseball bats and shouting drunkenly. The Lunaball spin around to face them and opened fire with a flamethrower, immolating all of them.

“Holy sh!t!” screamed Adam and Starcat. The two SporeHunters immediately turned and ran back towards the Warthogs.

“Oooooo yeeeaaaahhhh!!” screamed Jedite.

“Burn baby burn!!” shouted Haruka as they all watched some Skinz flailing around wildly. Hotaru and her father just laughed insanely.

“Awww, those guys look cold,” stated Artemis, “Let’s warm ‘em up!”

“I love the smell of burning government cheese in the morning,” commented Michiru. Rei.bot nodded.

“Smells like…victory,” intoned the android with a little bit of a smirk.

 

Disengaging the flamethrower, the Lunaball began opening fire with a full-auto machine gun, spitting 9mm bullets continuously. Jup.Knight and Seiya were still shooting at Nako-Nako while Wolfwood disappeared into the shadows. Solarchos dodged aside as a Skin-ner swung at him with a baseball bat, then kicked the Skin-ner in the crotch and followed up by smashing the stock of his assault rifle into the side of the stricken ganger’s head. He then pivoted and gunned down two more Skinz with a couple of controlled bursts from the MA5B.

The scene switched, showing a Skin-ner as he suddenly began jumping up and down, desperately trying to shake something off his arm.

“What in tarnation is that thing?” asked one of the Skinz standing nearby.

“Looks like one of them poker-mon balls,” offered one guy.

“Get it off! Get it off!” shouted the afflicted ganger. The camera zoomed in to show that the object was, in fact, an armed Covenant plasma grenade. The screen turned bright white and immediately zoomed out to show flaming white supremacists being forcefully hurled in all directions. The next scene showed Starcat flashing the V-sign.

 

“Yes!!” screamed Minako, “Explosions!!” She began headbanging.

“Rock on!” cried Haruka. Tomoe was STILL laughing non-stop. Hotaru pointed at the TV.

“Look! There she is!” Hotaru was pointing at Chibiusa as she dragged herself slowly forward. Hotaru began to smile wickedly as an orange laser dot appeared on Chibiusa’s ankle…and began moving upwards.

“Yes…yes…yes…” urged Michiru. The laser dot settled on the curve of Chibiusa’s skirt…then she was knocked to the side as the 12-gauge stun round nailed her squarely in the @$$.

“AWESOME!!!!” shrieked everyone at the top of their lungs.

 

The Skinz were getting wiped out by the Lunaball as it continued to fire non-stop at anything not wearing a GPS collar. Chibiusa was lying on her side, howling in pain from the whacks she’d taken. Her fuku could actually withstand bullets, but the SporeHunters had been whaling on her like a minor character in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Suddenly, Zoicite and Nyanko rushed up to her and began dragging her towards a big pile of broken-up concrete and cement. Nako-Nako made a mad dash towards the same pile, bullets and laser blasts churning up the ground all around her. By that time Adam and Starcat had leapt onto the Warthogs and were using the chainguns, tearing the crap out of the remainder of the Skinz while Solarchos was shooting at the Lunaball. FishEye peered at the SporeHunters from behind a pock-marked metal drum.

“Oh my, those go-cart thingies have really big guns!” he panted. FishEye turned around and saw Kakyuu and Leudast enter the field and begin moving around to join up with the other SporeHunters. “More SporeHunters? Oh, that is not good!” He looked over at Zoicite and Nyanko as they dragged Chibiusa towards the rock pile. Nako-Nako was already cowering behind it. “Stay here…” said FishEye to himself. He looked at the Spores, “Help…” He turned and looked at the Warthogs as the Lunaball’s bullets began pelting their armor. “Stay here…” He look back at the Spores, “Ah, screw it…” FishEye got up and made a mad dash for the rock pile…stepping on the middle of Helios’ back in the process. Gunfire followed FishEye as he ran. As he dove behind the rock pile he barely avoided getting hit by a stun round from a shotgun.

 

Solarchos ducked down as bullets from the Lunaball sprayed past his position, kicking up a fair amount of dirt. Kakyuu and Leudast suddenly rushed up and dove behind cover with him. Kakyuu saw Solarchos, smiled ( revealing little fangs ), and immediately leapt on him and started power-hugging ( glomping, as it’s usually called ).

“What the…?!” cried Solarchos. Kakyuu giggled.

“Gotcha!” she replied, “Glad to finally meet you! Sorry we missed you earlier but Leudast lost track of time!” She cast a withering glare at her partner.

“Hey!” retorted Leudast, nervously, “It’s not my fault! You never told me we were in a different time zone!” Meanwhile, Solarchos peered through a gap in the stack of bricks he was hiding behind. He could see the broken rock pile behind which the Spores were, but he couldn’t see the targets.

“Hey, Morrigan,” began Solarchos, speaking into his radio, “Where’s the Spore’s exit point? They’ve currently got us pinned down and I’m trying to figure out how to deal with it.”

 

The scene switched, showing the succubus Morrigan as she called up camera images from multiple angles and a map of the construction site.

“Well,” she replied, twirling some of her hair around her finger, “It looks like they’ve pretty much got a straight shot towards the exit. All they need to do is keep that rock pile to their backs, move away, and they can run all the way outta there.”

 

Solarchos frowned a little.

“Great,” he commented as he switched frequencies, “Okay, SporeHunters, we’ve gotta circle around and flank the Spores before they figure out some way out of here.”

Meanwhile, Morrigan was smirking wryly as she adjusted the radio frequencies so that the Spores could here Solarchos’ orders. The Spores all shuddered a little as they heard Solarchos' orders.

“We’ve gotta do something!” cried Nyanko, “They promised that if I got caught I’d be thrown into a pool full of ill-tempered mutant sea bass!” Zoicite meanwhile was leaned over the rock pile and shooting back at the SporeHunters with a nail-gun.

“It’s beautiful, man!” he exclaimed, “It’s just beautiful!” He fired a few more times, then ducked back as shots from Solarchos, Kakyuu, and Leudast shattered against their cover. Nako-Nako squealed in terror. FishEye suddenly perked up.

“Hey, I’ve got an idea!” he exclaimed.

“Yeah, take off your clothes and flash the SporeHunters,” offered Zoicite, “Maybe they’ll all go blind.” FishEye flipped off Zoicite and crouched down next to Chibiusa, who was currently sobbed loudly.

“Those f#^%ing SporeHunters!” snarled Chibiusa, “I’ll make them pay for this! I’ll make them all pay!”

 

“Oooo, the Spore-child’s pissed!” remarked Michiru.

“They’re gonna pay, huh?” said Jedite, “Cash, check, or credit card?”

“Nah, they’re gonna pay with the money they get in royalties after this movie goes into world-wide mass distribution!” said Artemis, “Those SporeHunters are gonna be freakin’ rich!”

 

“Chibiusa,” began FishEye, “May I use that Lunaball thing for a bit? I’ve got a plan to get us outta here.” Chibiusa groaned in pain, looked skeptical, then handed over a remote control device ( painted pink, of course…gak ). FishEye pressed the main switch on it.

“Hello,” began a voice from the remote control ( which, of course, sounded like Luna’s voice from the NA dubbed version ), “And thank you for activating the M808V remote control spore-sitter. You may call me Lunaball.”

“Hello, Lunaball,” replied FishEye, “Small basketball lady.”

“Would you like to activate the tutorial program?” asked the remote.

“Oh, that’d be very nice,” said FishEye, “Thank you.”

“Tutorial program activated,” announced the remote, “This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this blue-class remote sitter. Let’s begin with some driving…”

 

The scene switched, showing Seiya and Adam blasting away at the Spore’s cover, and failing to inflict much damage. Both of them ducked down as the Lunaball sprayed their position with bullets again.

“Cripes, doesn’t that thing ever run out of bullets?” called out Seiya.

“You know,” admitted Adam, “In hindsight, we should’ve just driven through and run them down.”

“What good’s a Warthog gonna do us in this place?” retorted Seiya.

“Gee, I can see how you hiding behind a sheet of bullet-proof glass and me on the chaingun’s a much better strategy,” replied Adam as he fired another burst at the Lunaball.

“Well, yeah, but…” began Seiya as she reloaded, “Ah, sh!t, I guess I gotta give that one to you.” Just then the Lunaball stopped shooting and began moving away. “Anyway, Solarchos wants us to try and flank them. Let’s sneak around the side of that building and take ‘em out before they get away.”

“Cool,” said Adam as he got off the chaingun. Both of them quickly jogged to one of the side buildings while the rest of the SporeHunters kept Chibiusa and her “krew” pinned down.

 

The scene switched, showing the Lunaball pushing itself into a stack of planks as bullets and lasers continued to hammer the area. FishEye watched the Lunaball closely, gritting his teeth a little as he worked the remote control.

“Now that you’ve mastered piloting the M808V,” announced the remote, “Let’s move on to some of the safety features…”

“No, no, wait. Go back,” demanded FishEye. The Lunaball pulled itself free of the plank-stack and hovered there. FishEye continued to work the controls, causing the Lunaball to begin spinning in circles. “Oh, why are there six switches if there are only four directions?”

 

Helios pulled himself along the ground, trying desperately to get out of the ambush zone and avoid being spotted. His back hurt from where he’d gotten stepped on, and his whole body was sore from the manhandling he’d suffered at the hands of those two Skinz. He shuddered : forgetting that torture would be hard as hell to do. But he was the “horse with the force”. 100 mother f^%#ing horsepower. Nothing scared him…

“We got you now, boy!” shouted a rough voice from behind him. Helios flipped around to see three Skinz rushing at him, ready to beat him to a bloody pulp.

“Yer done now, freak!” shouted one of the others. Suddenly, a few of the lights illuminating the area failed. All of them began looking around, confused by the sudden darkness. Then, one by one, the Skinz began to fall to the ground as someone began striking them down. Helios stared around fearfully, afraid to move. After a few seconds he tried to crawl away…then stopped as a red laser-dot appeared on his hand.

“What’s the matter, horse-boy?” asked Wolfwood as he emerged from the shadows, holding the gun from which the targeting laser was being emitted, “Afraid of the dark?”

Helios immediately began screaming like a little girl.

 

“Muahahahahahahahaha!!!” laughed Hotaru.

“Yes…yes!” urged Haruka, “I see it happening! Squeeze that trigger, dude!”

“Squeeze it…squeeze it…squeeze it…!” began chanting everyone.

 

The scene switched again, showing Adam and Seiya as they quickly dashed around the side of a building in order to flank the Spores. After a few seconds of moving they came to a blank wall.

“Dammit,” snapped Adam, “I don’t think we’re going to be able to get around this way.” Seiya nodded. The camera’s PoV changed, showing the two SporeHunters from the front…and the Lunaball slowly moving in behind them.

“Tell me again why we got out of the Warthog?” asked Seiya.

“Well, I guess it was either this or sit there and take potshots from that stupid-looking ball-thing all day long.”

“At least shooting at the Spores was kinda fun,” remarked Seiya. They both turned around…and saw the Lunaball hovering right next to them, it’s automated defense systems protruding. “HOLY SH!T!! Where the f%$# did that thing come from??!!”

“Why is it just sitting there, doing nothing?” wondered Adam.

“Uhh…I think it’s just trying to mess with our heads,” replied Seiya, “Let’s just get back to the Warthog.”

FishEye grinned as he saw everything through the Lunaball’s point of view.

“This remote sitter is equipped with an auto-fire sequence that can be activated by pressing the autofire button,” advised the remote. FishEye began looking over the controls.

“Autofire…autofire,” he whispered to himself, “Here! No, wait. That’s more like pushing the button…” He continued to work at the controls. “Wait! Here it is!”

 

“Okay, you ready?” asked Seiya as she and Adam began to slowly back away from the Lunaball, “Let’s do this on three. One…”

“Wait,” began Adam, “Do we run on three or count to three then run?”

“On three,” replied Seiya, “It’s always faster on three.”

“Okay, okay,” said Adam, “On three.”

“Ready?” asked Seiya. Just then something in the Lunaball clicked.

“Tutorial deactivated,” it suddenly announced, “Autofire sequence activated. Acquiring target…”

“One…” began Seiya.

“Target acquired…” announced the Lunaball. Adam immediately turned and started running like hell.

“Two…” continued Seiya.

 

C-Pov – A pink-colored computer image of the area, complete with crosshairs…and Seiya standing in the middle of them.

 

“Target locked,” announced the Lunaball.

“Three!” shouted Seiya. She immediately spun around…and noticed Adam running away. “Oh, you back-stabbing cockbite!!!”

“Firing main weapons,” announced the Lunaball. There was a bright flash, followed by the distinct sound of a rocket engine igniting. A small missile streaked forward, shooting past Adam and Seiya, and slamming into the side of their Warthog.

“Son of a b!^*h!” shouted Solarchos as he dove to the ground.

“Son of a b!^*h!” shouted Kakyuu as she dove on top of Solarchos.

“Son of a b!^*h!” shouted Leudast as got whacked in the head with a scorched pair of fuzzy dice. Another missile struck the Warthog, the impact rocking it backwards onto its side wheels. Then another missile struck it, completely knocking it over.

“Holy sh!t!!” cried Starcat and Jup.Knight as they both ducked down. Jup.Knight quickly revved the engine of his Warthog and reversed out of the area. Wolfwood, startled by the sudden explosions, faultered for a moment, giving Helios the opportunity to make a mad-dash for the other Spores. Meanwhile, Seiya quickly low-crawled up alongside Adam and thwapped him upside the head.

“Hey! I have a great idea!” she shouted as she whacked him, “Let’s get out of the Warthog and sneak around the side of the building. Great plan, you idiot!”

“Blame Solarchos!” retorted Adam, “He gave the order!”

 

“All targets eliminated,” announced the Lunaball, “Acquiring new targets…” Zoicite looked up as Helios rushed over and joined them.

“Hey, Helios is back!” called out Zoicite, “You missed it. FishEye used Chibi-brat’s Lunaball to scare off the SporeHunters!”

“Kupi?” asked Nako-Nako, sounding nervous.

“Hey, Fish-guy,” replied Helios, “Good job. Why didn’t you tell us you knew how to drive that dumb thing?” At the same time Chibiusa was slowly getting up and tentatively walk around. The Lunaball turned towards them…and Morrigan could be heard laughing over the radio.

“New target acquired…” announced the Lunaball as it focused a targeting laser on Tin Nyanko.

“That’s not a target,” called out Zoicite, “That’s Tin-Tin.”

“Yeah, that’s right!” added Nyanko, “It’s me, Tin…HEY!! I told you not to call me Tin-Tin!!!”

“Target locked…” announced the Lunaball.

“WTF??!!” screamed Nyanko.

“What?! No!” cried FishEye as he worked at the remote control feverishly, “Target unlock! Target unlock! Please help me, nice lady!”

“Firing main weapons…” The Spores all shrieked in terror and ran for their lives as the first missile struck the rock pile, shattering it instantly. Before it could fire another missile, a laser-dot appeared on the side of the Lunaball.

 

“I can see you…” hissed Wolfwood as he took aim…then fired. The bullet from his Beretta struck the Lunaball in the side…and ricocheted off. Seiya yelped loudly as the bullet hit her in the leg. At that same moment Kakyuu and Starcat both threw Covenant plasma grenades at the Lunaball. The grenades latched firmly onto it and simultaneously exploded. The double-blast was more than enough to reduce the Lunaball to so much blue-colored slag. Meanwhile, Wolfwood was looking at Seiya, who was lying on the ground motionless.

“Uhh…oops,” he stated.

“Holy sh!t!” shouted Jup.Knight, “Seiya, are you okay?! Talk to me!” He looked over at Wolfwood. “You shot Seiya, you team-killing f%$#tard!!”

“You b@$tard!” screamed Kakyuu, “Nobody does that to Seiya! That’s my job!” Meanwhile, Solarchos surveyed the whole scene.

“Okay everyone,” he ordered, “Do not pursue. We need to regroup.”

 

The scene changed, showing all of the Spores running at breakneck speed through the construction yard. Finally, they pushed through one last set of gates and emerged out onto a wide well-lit street. All of them skidded to a halt and facefaulted a little at the sight before them…which, unfortunately, the cameras refused to rotate around to show the Suburban Senshi.

“What the…?!” exclaimed Nyanko.

“Kupi?” asked Nako-Nako, tilting her head to the side.

“Whoa!” commented Zoicite.

“Wha…?!” remarked Chibiusa, “What the f^%# is this place?”

“The location of the next scene,” replied Morrigan, “You now have to get inside there, accomplish a couple of jobs for me, and then get out…all the while avoiding getting caught. I’ve arranged a little something to help you get inside fairly easily. However, it’s the getting * out * part that’s going to be tricky! Better get moving, the SporeHunters are regrouping, but that won’t last long.” Brow-twitching a little, the Spores all began moving towards their newest objective.

 

Jup.Knight reversed his Warthog, using the winch to pull the other Warthog back onto its wheels. Everyone else was brushing themselves off, reloading, or cleaning whatever minor cuts and bruises they’d taken during the fight. Solarchos and Wolfwood were busy helping Seiya.

“I’m here, Seiya,” said Solarchos as he pulled out a combat medical kit, “Where are you hit?” Seiya winced as she grabbed her foot just below the ankle.

“Ow! Ow! Ow!” she cried, “My foot! My foot!”

“Your left foot?” asked Solarchos as he started opening the kit.

“Uh, left…let’s see,” replied Seiya, “That makes an L with your thumb and…” Wolfwood and Solarchos both pulled Seiya’s left boot off. Solarchos saw the bleeding cut and went to work without another word. Seiya glanced at Wolfwood. “I can’t believe you’re such a bad shot.”

“Oh, don’t even start with me!” retorted Wolfwood, “I had Horse-boy right in my sights until you screwed it up!”

“Minor fragment hit,” said Solarchos as he finished examining the cut and reached for a pair of tweezers.

“What?” asked Seiya.

“The bullet broke apart and you got hit in the foot by a small piece,” explained Solarchos as he began trying to figure out how to remove the fragment. “Is there anything else wrong?”

“Uhh…Oh! I got one!” exclaimed Seiya, “Uh, well, sometimes when I fall asleep at night I dream about my parents having sex and I get really, really mad for some reason.” Wolfwood and Solarchos immediately stopped whatever they were doing and stared at each other, then at Seiya. Seconds slowly passed.

“Okay, I’m just going to work on the foot,” said Solarchos.

“Good idea,” said Wolfwood.

“Okay,” admitted Seiya.

 

The scene changed again, showing the SporeHunters as they quickly drove through the rest of the construction site and through the gate the Spores had escaped to. Solarchos immediately braked as he saw the destination. Wolfwood stopped his Warthog right next to his. Everyone watched Solarchos as he sweatdropped and examined the GPS tracking monitor.

“No…no…no,” he kept saying, shaking his head, “This cannot be. This can’t be where those @$$holes went!”

“What’s the problem?” asked Starcat. Over the radio they all could hear the distinct sound of Morrigan giggling. Then everyone looked up and saw exactly what it was that was making Solarchos so nervous. Everyone facefaulted a little at the sight of it…and this time the cameras swiveled to show what was going on.

Facing them was a huge three-story building. On the sidewalks stretching on either side of it were literally hundreds of people waiting in line to go up the steps and through the double-doors. Cameras flashed and floodlights pierced the darkness. Anime boys and girls screamed and cheered ( but not at the SporeHunters ), eager to get inside the place. Quite a few cute young ladies dressed in tight black blouses and short skirts were patrolling the streets and keeping an eye on things, making sure nothing got out of hand. Then everyone saw the lit neon signs and * really * started sweatdropping. Instead of sweatdropping, Solarchos developed a sudden nosebleed.

They had just arrived at Planet Hentai.

 

Morrigan burst out laughing again, and in the background the SporeHunters could just make out the sound of other girls laughing as well.

“Yup!” announced Morrigan, “THAT’S where they went! I warned you, Solarchos. I’m gonna cure you of your “Tenchi Masaki Syndrome” if it’s the last thing I do! And I’m gonna get ALL down on tape, too!” Morrigan began laughing insanely…then the scene faded to black.

 

PLEASE INSERT DISC 3

 

The Suburban Senshi were silent for several seconds…then all hell broke loose as they all lunged for the CD box.

“Planet Hentai??!!” squealed Prof. Tomoe, “Oh my god!!! We have seen the gates of paradise!!!”

“Disc 3!! Disc 3!! Disc 3!!” chanted Artemis.

“Gimme that!!” shouted Haruka.

“No! * I * wanna put it in, dammit!!!” screamed Jedite.

“No! Me!” cried Michiru. All of them stumbled, dropping the CD case. The treasured disc 3 dropped onto the floor, rolled across the room, and unfortunately rolled behind the counter. The Suburban Senshi stared at the counter in despair, unable to reach the priceless treasure that was the third disc.

“Ah, dammit!” snapped Minako.

“Haruka,” began Michiru.

“Yeah?” asked Haruka. Michiru turned to her, her eyes flashing with barely restrained madness.

“Get…the…axe!!!” she ordered. Haruka was only too glad to comply.

 

 

End of Part Four.



Episode 5

T & M Productions, in Association with Xadium Studios

T & M Productions, in Association with Xadium Studios

And the Suburban Senshi Signal Corps

Shamelessly Presents…

 

Suburban Senshi : Sporehunt

Episode 5 : Planet Hentai ( Oh my! )

 

Usual legal crap : The following story and its sequels are works of pure parody and fiction and do not represent actual views, attitudes, and feelings. Except in regard to Chibiusa Tsukino who needs to be summarily executed. Just about all of the characters portrayed in this are pretty much the property of someone else. They know who they are. I’m not stealing them; I’m just borrowing them for a little bit. Imitation and imagination are the sincerest forms of flattery.

Special thanks to the Fanboys Association for not objecting to my use of some of their material. Check out www.fanboys.com to see the rest of their cool fanfics. They’re as messed-up as I am!

 

 

Michiru smiled wickedly and let out a Naga-like laugh of pure madness as she took another swing at the counter. The axe bit deep into the side, splintering the wood with a loud crack. On the other side Jedite was busy using a chainsaw to tear apart the countertop. Prof. Tomoe and Haruka just watched and started headbanging like idiots.

“Yeah!” cried Haruka, “Use the chainsaw! The chainsaw! Rrrrrr-rrrrrr-RRRRR!!!”

“Go Michi!” called out Tomoe, “Smack that counter like a baby seal! Muahahahahahaha!” Hotaru and Minako just sweatdropped.

“Oh god, they’re getting worse,” groaned Hotaru. Rei.bot quickly walked over and effortlessly ripped off the countertop. With the interior of the counter exposed, it didn’t take long to find and retrieve the precious third disc of Sporehunt.

“I’ve got it! I’ve got it!” cried Michiru, happily.

“My precious!” warbled Artemis. Everyone ignored him as they quickly rushed back into the den and began playing Disc 3.

 

THE FOLLOWING PREVIEW HAS BEEN APPROVED BY T & M PRODUCTIONS…

 

“Cool! Maybe it’ll be a commercial for Planet Hentai!” called out Prof. Tomoe. A moment later everyone facefaulted as the smiling face of Usagi Tsukino appeared on the screen.

“The ambiquity that I feel never justifies itself,” began Usagi, “There’s always the pungent odor of life’s constipation that surreptitiously conflicts with the detrimental instability hitherto fore, six-eight, who do we depreciate, the unification of Congress…oops, excuse me, condoms…demystifying the squalor of profanity regurgitating over and over again. Here, let me digress my bowels for a minute and invite to the front the nondescript hernia rectifies the miscommunication of fetal, or fecal, depending on where your head is at.”

“Reading is fundamental,” stated the female announcer. The scene zoomed out slightly to show that Usagi was tied to a chair in the middle of an empty classroom.

“Do not be persecuted by the pompous fedora balanced by the equilibrium fortified by the American’s inability to eradicate or foreshadow, taken from the Hebrew word – foreskin.” Usagi was abruptly cut off as Petz and Cooan of the Ayakashi Sisters suddenly came up, jammed a cupcake into Usagi’s mouth, and then proceeded to start beating her with rubber hoses.

“Understand what you read,” stated the announcer, “She doesn’t! This message has been brought to you by the United Odango Scholarship Fund.” There was a loud whap sound, and the screen froze, showing a particularly comical expression on Usagi’s face as Cooan gave her the mother of all pimpslaps that seemed to make the lower half of Usagi’s face shift two inches to the left. A caption appeared underneath the picture : “Don’t let this happen to you!”

 

The Suburban Senshi stared blankly at the TV screen…then burst out into hysterical laughter.

“She’s getting worse!” laughed Artemis.

“Poor Usagi!” cried Minako.

“If we give to the Odango Scholarship Fund, does that mean we get to pummel Usagi senseless, too?” asked Jedite.

“Hell, if that’s the case,” replied Michiru as she grabbed her purse and started rummaging around in it. Haruka, Tomoe, and Artemis suddenly began grinning as the screen went dark.

“Oh yeah, here it comes!” hissed Haruka. Prof. Tomoe began giggling quietly.

 

AND NOW, CONTINUING WITH OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION…

 

“YES!!!” screamed the Suburban Senshi at the top of their lungs. Many high-fives were made as the screen brightened up. The scene showed Chibiusa, Zoicite, Fish-Eye, Helios, NakoNako, and Nyanko standing in an alley behind Planet Hentai. They were all making their way very slowly towards a locked armored door.

“Remind me again why we’re here,” began Nyanko as she peered around nervously.

“Because I said so,” replied Morrigan over the radio, “Now shut up and get over to that door.” A few seconds later they reached the door…and much to their surprise it was unlocked.

“Okay, who didn’t see that one coming?” remarked Zoicite as they all quickly dashed inside. NakoNako was the last one through the door, which promptly shut and locked behind them.

“Okay, you bozos, pay attention,” stated Morrigan, “Especially you, Chibiusa. You are now locked inside Planet Hentai, the hottest and most ecchi nightclub in all of Japan…”

 

“HELL YEAH!!!” screamed Tomoe.

“Oh yeah, we’re gonna see some good stuff now!” added Haruka. Michiru frowned and quickly thwapped Haruka.

 

“The only way out is through the front doors,” continued Morrigan, “But it’s a little more complicated than that. You’ve all got a few objectives to accomplish. You see Chibiusa…I’ve captured your family!”

“What?!” cried Chibiusa.

 

C-pov – The camera was looking down on Usagi, who was dressed in her rabbit pajamas, gagged, and tried to a chair. A couple of cute Black Delmos were standing nearby. All of them were in a small room in front of a pair of doors. One was marked “Yuri”. The other was marked “Yaoi”.

 

“Usagi-chan!” cried Minako, distressed, “Oh no! That Morrigan’s REALLY paying for it now!”

“Uhhh, I think Usagi will be the one paying for SOMETHING pretty soon,” said Artemis, brow-twitching, “Yuri and Yaoi doors? What the heck’s that all about?”

 

The scene switched, showing Shingo Tsukino who was also tied up and gagged. Keeping a close watch over him were Lead Crow, Chocolat Misu, and Questis Trepe. All three of them were holding whips and, despite the gag, Shingo was drooling a little.

 

“Oh yes, baby!” cried Tomoe, “Whip it! Whip it good!”

“Kick his @$$!” called out Haruka, “Kick his @$$ right now!”

“Do it!” added Jedite, “Don’t wait for the pink fungus! Execute the little punk right now!”

“C’mon, Shingo!” shouted Hotaru, “Take it off! Take it all off!!” Everyone stared at Hotaru in stunned amazement. Hotaru blushed fiercely. “Uhhh…”

 

The scene switched again, revealing that Ikoku and Kenji Tsukino, Usagi’s mother and father, had also been captured. They were tied together, obviously as a “package deal”, and were seated in what looked like a kitchen. Shampoo was standing nearby holding a huge meat cleaver while Nuku-Nuku sat across from them, not taking her eyes off either one of them.

 

“No! Not Usagi’s mom!” cried Michiru, “She’s the only person in that whole f%#$-up family with any sense of style!”

“Shampoo and a cleaver,” remarked Tomoe, “That scares me for some reason.” Meanwhile, Artemis was ogling Nuku-Nuku, leaning forward and drooling.

“Mmmmm…!” he sighed dreamily, “Cat-girl…!”

 

The scene switched one last time, revealing the bound and gagged form of none other than Mamoru Chiba…

 

“CAPE BOY!!!” shouted Jedite and Haruka, “Awesome!”

“Death to Cape Boy!” screamed Tomoe.

“Something about seeing him tied up like that just makes me feel so…excited!,” added Michiru. Hotaru just cackled darkly.

 

Mamoru was sitting in the center stage a small auditorium. The camera slowly spun around, revealing the Saber Marionettes standing in various parts of the room. Mamoru looked slightly nervous since Fiore was sitting in the front row with a bucket of popcorn and a weird grin.

“I’ve decided to throw in a special added bonus here,” continued Morrigan, “Your objectives are simple…become a real hero and save your family! However, every time one of the Black Delmos or any of the staff here at Planet Hentai sees you they’re going to take out one of the hostages.”

“Screw ‘em!” retorted Zoicite, “I ain’t wasting my time saving anyone!”

“Yeah, spore-child’s family can kiss my @$$!” stated Nyanko. FishEye spun around and b!^*hslapped Nyanko hard.

“Never say that about my Mamo-chan!!” shouted FishEye, “We have to save him!”

“Yeah, and screw that meatball-head!” added Chibiusa, “I hope she’s the first one to get whacked! I want Mamo-chan all for ME!”

“Fine, leave that fine-looking Usagi for me…and her hot momma, too!” replied Helios.

 

“Chibiusa’s “Electra Complex” is getting WAY out of control,” said Hotaru.

“Not as much as Helios’ raging hormones,” added Artemis.

“He ain’t fooling us!” laughed Tomoe, “He’s a yaoi-boy no matter what he says or does! Muahahahahaha!!” Hotaru quickly joined in, laughing hysterically.

 

“So…without further ado…it’s time for a little overtime!” stated Morrigan. Fuming silently, Chibiusa led the way down the hall…and into Planet Hentai.

 

The scene switched, showing the outside of Planet Hentai as the Sporehunters were planning their next move. The line of excited anime characters waiting to get inside was impressive to say the least. They all stared at the huge scene before them…and facefaulted.

“Planet…Hentai?” asked Kakyuu, incredulously, “Is this place for real?!”

“And we’ve gotta go in there?” asked Leudast, “Sweet!” Seiya and Kakyuu promptly thwapped him.

“You know,” began Starcat as she stared up at the huge 3-story building, then down at her somewhat revealing costume. “Somehow I feel extremely under-dressed.”

 

“Mimete cosplayer-kun!!!” cried Tomoe as he lurched towards the TV. Haruka and Jedite grabbed him and pulled him back to the couch.

“Calm down, Professor pervert!” urged Jedite. Michiru just reached over and whacked Tomoe in the head.

 

“Look at that line-up!” exclaimed Adam, “There must be several hundred people in there!”

“Which reminds me,” began Wolfwood. Everyone watched as he removed his camo clothing, revealing a sleek maroon armani dress shirt, slacks, leather shoes, and shoulder and belt holsters for his weapons. Everyone stared at him in astonishment. “What?” he asked as he adjusted his shirt, “I just threw something together.” Kakyuu just rolled her eyes and groaned. “Hey, don’t hate the player…hate the game.”

 

“No, I’ll just hate the tailor,” remarked Jedite. Michiru glanced at Haruka.

“Don’t you have an outfit like that somewhere?” she asked.

“What the…?!” cried Haruka. She jumped to her feet and rushed upstairs to her room. “He stole my outfit!!” she shouted a minute later, “That b@$tard! He stole my f^%#ing outfit right outta my closet! I’ll get him for this!”

 

“Whoa!” cried Seiya, “I think I just saw Go-Go Yubari go inside!”

“Planet Hentai…!” sighed Jup.Knight and Wolfwood blissfully, staring up at the large set of armored double doors that led inside. The Gold Delmos from “Aika” stared right back at them all.

“Uh…Solarchos?” asked Starcat, “Are you okay? Your nose is leaking.” Solarchos quickly discovered that his nose was, in fact, bleeding a la Tenchi Masaki.

“F#%$!”, he hissed as he glanced around at the throngs of people waiting to enter, then at the Gold Delmos. Suniya saw him and winked right back. Solarchos gulped nervously. “Not good. Not good at all.”

Over the radio they could all hear the sound of Morrigan snickering.

“Are you all right?” asked Seiya. Solarchos ignored her and tried to regain his composure…then facefaulted big-time as Minnie-May Hopkins from “Gunsmith Cats” came outside and started talking to the Gold Delmos. The other Sporehunters also noticed that a few of the Black Delmos were starting to come towards them with curious expressions on their faces.

“Okay, we’ve got a problem,” explained Solarchos, “The Spores are inside and from what I’ve heard this place has a strict “no weapons” policy…”

“You look sort of pale there, Solarchos,” advised Kakyuu, “Leudast! Stop staring at Lum’s bikini! You’re MY b!^*h, remember?!”

“Going through the front doors isn’t going to work,” continued Solarchos, “So we need to come up with some kind of alternative. Any questions or suggestions?”

“Yeah,” said Jup.Knight, raising his hand, “Why’s your nose bleeding?”

“Man, what I wouldn’t give to get Hotaru inside this place!” exclaimed Wolfwood, happily, “Oh, the things we could do!”

“I thought you said you just watched her from afar?” asked Adam.

“Hey,” replied Wolfwood, “Those feelings I’ve got for Hotaru ain’t all spiritual, you know.”

 

Hotaru’s face turned bright red as she sweatdropped. Tomoe burst out laughing again. Haruka started with the faux-tears.

“Oh…our Hotaru’s growing up so fast!” cried Haruka.

“Yup, soon she’ll be going out every night and using home pregnancy tests every week,” added Jedite, “And THEN she’ll be joining the Sailor Senshi Hooker Hotline!” With a loud snarl Hotaru spun around and leapt at Jedite, tearing into him with the fury of a crack-head chimpanzee as she tried to beat the crap out of him.

“Sailor Senshi Hooker Hotline?!!” shouted Minako, “Why you…!!” Everyone else burst out laughing as Minako proceeded to help Hotaru in pummeling Jedite.

 

“Uhh…Miss Aensland?” began Starcat, speaking into the radio, “Do we really have to go in there?” Morrigan’s twisted laughter was her only reply. Meanwhile, Adam and Wolfwood were staring at Solarchos, a little concerned.

“Dude, are you hyperventilating there?” asked Wolfwood. Solarchos didn’t answer : he was too busy staring up at the fierce white-haired Delmo Toniya, the sweet-faced long-haired Suniya, and Minnie Hopkins. Suniya waved slyly, Toniya winked, and Minnie-May blew him a kiss. Solarchos’ normally pale complexion was starting to match Kakyuu’s hair.

“I think our intrepid leader’s gone bye-bye,” stated Adam.

“Oh my god, I just saw Ryoko go inside!” called out Seiya, “And Xelloss…and Allen from “Escaflowne”…and Cloud Strife…and Utena…and Heero from “Gundam Wing…”

“Holy crap, isn’t that Nabeshin down there?!” cried Leudast, pointing at the huge line which was now starting to slowly filter through the main doors. Seiya looked at the spot where Leudast was pointing.

“Dude! It is! The Afro-man himself!!” shouted Seiya.

 

“YES!!!” shouted Haruka, “Nabeshin is the SH!T, man!!!”

“Damn right!” added Artemis. Rei.bot nodded silently. Meanwhile, there was a loud whack from behind the couch that sounded like Jedite getting slapped hard.

 

“Man, the only way this could get any better is if I turned around and found myself staring right into some gals’ cleavage,” remarked Jup.Knight. He turned around…and found himself staring *directly * into the VERY low cut dress of Kaorinite.

 

“KAORI-KUN!!!” shrieked Tomoe as he threw himself at the TV, drooling. Haruka and Rei.bot managed to grab his legs and pull him back to the couch. Hotaru and Minako were preoccupied with giving Jedite an atomic wedgie.

“Shin’ne, you b@$t@rd!!!”, shouted Minako as she slowly pulled the back of Jedite’s underwear further and further up, much to Jedite’s dismay and displeasure.

“That’s it!” cried Hotaru angrily as she kept Jedite pinned to the floor, “Squeal like a pig! C’mon, squeal! Squeal!!! Squeeeeeeeeeee…!!!”

 

Kaorinite smiled slyly as she watched Jup.Knight’s face turn bright red.

“Well, I see you all made it this far,” she began, “Nicely done. You still haven’t managed to capture any of the targets, though.”

“We almost had them!” retorted Kakyuu, “Up until that pink b!^*h used that f#%$ing Lunaball…and Wolfwood tried to shoot Seiya!”

“Hey! That was an accident, dammit!” protested Wolfwood.

“Well, Solarchos, what are you going to do…besides stand there and bleed from your nose?” asked Kaorinite.

“Yeah, what’s up with that, anyway?” asked Adam.

“I told you,” explained Morrigan over the radio, “Solarchos suffers from “Tenchi Masaki Syndrome”. There’s something about him that girls find extremely cute, but he also suffers from the usual “side effect” of selective shyness. The cuter the girl – the more extreme the shyness. Well, let’s see you avoid a hot date here, chummer! Muahahahahaha!!!” Kaorinite quickly joined in with Morrigan’s laughter as she watched Solarchos blush even more.

“Look, can we just get off the topic of my social life and get back to the Sporehunt here?!” he exclaimed a moment later, “Jeez, Morrigan! You are SUCH a perv!”

“Well, I think I might be able to help you out with your current problem,” explained Kaorinite, “All of you need to get inside Planet Hentai in order to continue chasing after Chibiusa and her cronies. You’ve got two choices. You can either go up to the front door and actually try to overcome your shyness…” Kaorinite pointed up to the front doors where May Hopkins and the Gold Delmos were waiting. All of them were watching the SporeHunters curiously…and waved. Wolfwood, Leudast, Adam, and Jup.Knight waved back. Starcat, Seiya, and Kakyuu grumbled a little. Solarchos just blushed and sweatdropped.

“Of course, they’d have all of you check in your weapons at the door before entering,” continued Kaorinite, “And with all the gear some of you are wearing they’d probably physically search you, too.” For some reason Morrigan started cackling again.

“I could definitely go for a full pat-down from those girls,” offered Wolfwood.

 

“Me, too!” shouted Tomoe, “Search me! Search me!” He quickly stood up, faced the wall, and “assumed the position”.

“Same here!” added Haruka. She yelped painfully a moment later as Michiru quickly slugged her in the thigh for her “verbal indiscretion”.

 

“I’m not letting them take my precious plasma grenades!” exclaimed Starcat, “What’s the other option?”

“You’re only other option is a little more difficult,” elaborated Kaorinite, “There’s a secret entrance that goes through the Tokyo underground. It’s mainly used by the owners and by special guests to avoid the crowds. It’ll be easier for you to get in there with your weapons if you go that way.”

“All right,” replied Solarchos without hesitation, “We’ll take that back door you’re talking about. Lead on.”

 

C-Pov – the edge of an empty hallway inside Planet Hentai. Zoicite was carefully looking around the corner at the door to the men’s room. A moment later Ataru Moroboshi walked out with his usual perverted grin and burning lust for any halfway decent girl. Giggling a little, he turned and headed back towards the party.

“Kupi?” asked Nako-Nako.

“Whoa, isn’t that Lum’s lecher boyfriend?” whispered Nyanko, “Why aren’t I surprised to see him here.”

“Okay, let’s just wait a minute for him to walk away, then we’ll…” began Helios.

“Uhhh…where’s Chibiusa?” asked FishEye. Everyone looked around, then down the passage towards Ataru. “Oh sh!t!! Not again!!!”

 

Ataru let out a strangled squeal as Chibiusa jumped onto him from behind, wrapping a long length of very thin metal wire around his neck. Grinning evilly, her eyes flashing bright red, Chibiusa leaned back hard, pulling the wire as tightly against Ataru’s throat as possible. Ataru began struggling wildly, but it was too late as Chibiusa began yanking the wire back and forth and side to side. A few seconds later Ataru Moroboshi’s head popped off, spraying blood everywhere from his ruptured jugular veins. He collapsed lifeless ( and headless ) to the ground.

 

“Ahhhhh!! Ahhhhh!! Oh my goddess!!!” screamed Tomoe. Artemis and Rei.bot just stared in horror at the brutality of Chibiusa’s assault.

“HOLY SH!T, that RULED!!!” screamed Haruka, “That f^#$ing ruled!”

“Kill that horny son of a b!^*h!” shouted Michiru, “Ooo-hohohohohoho!”

“Lum will be most pissed,” intoned Rei.bot.

 

Nyanko stared at Ataru’s headless body…then threw up.

“Oh my goddess, that’s so disgusting!” shouted FishEye.

“What I’d like to know is where the hell she got that wire in the first place,” said Zoicite. NakoNako was busy poking Ataru’s corpse.

“Kupi?” she asked as she prodded his leg. Meanwhile, Chibiusa picked up Ataru’s head and proudly held it up like a trophy.

“O-hohohohohohohoho!!!” she laughed with manic glee.

“Babe, that’s just f#%&ed up,” commented Helios. Morrigan just laughed over the radio.

“Beautiful, kid!” called out Morrigan, “You’re really getting the audience off, Chibiusa!”

 

“No she’s not!” retorted Hotaru, “She’s freaking the living hell out of us!”

“No sh!t,” added Michiru.

“Chibiusa’s psychosis has now fully manifested,” said Haruka, “I say we forego committing her to the nuthouse and just kill her now.”

“Great, now she’s the Hannibal Lector of jailbait,” commented Artemis.

“Maybe the SporeHunters will save us the trouble,” said Tomoe.

“I would recommend…summary execution…” intoned Rei.bot, “Whack her. Whack her good.”

 

Just then a Black Delmo looked around the corner to see who the hell was making some much noise. She blanched as she caught sight of the Spores…and Ataru’s head in Chibiusa’s hands.

“Oh f#^%!!!” she cried. The black-clad girl immediately spun on her heel and ran down the hall. “Hey! It’s them! It’s them! Do it to her!” Chibiusa sweatdropped.

“Ah dammit!” hissed Zoicite as he and the rest of the Spores began chasing after the Black Delmo.

 

C-Pov – Usagi sitting helpless and tied up in a chair. The two Black Delmos standing near her suddenly tensed up as they heard the third girl screaming. Without a word, the two girls grabbed Usagi and pulled her over to the two doors. Despite the gag in her mouth, Usagi began wailing.

“Let’s see,” mumbled one of the girls as she tried to figure out which door to shove the wailing Usagi through. One was marked “Yuri”, the other was marked “Yaoi”. “Eenie…meenie…mynie…” She smiled wickedly at Usagi. Usagi looked back at her, shaking her head desperately. “Hey Moe!!!” The Black Delmo reached over and yanked a previously unseen rope hanging from the ceiling. A trap-door in front of Usagi suddenly opened…and a large clutch of writhing, wriggling tentacles suddenly burst out, wrapped around Usagi, and yanked her out of sight. Then Usagi REALLY began screaming. Morrigan just laughed her ass off.

 

The scene switched again, showing the Spores’ reactions as they heard everything. They had no idea what was happening to Usagi, but from the loud wailing, deep groaning, and fabric ripping they heard coming from her it sounded like Usagi was suffering terribly. Then the audio cut out ( as the trapdoor shut ).

“I told you what would happen if they saw you,” explained Morrigan, still snickering, “They heard. She got it. Life’s a b^!*h.”

“That’s okay!” chirped Chibiusa, “Now I’ve got Mamo-chan all to me!” Chibiusa burst out laughing while everyone else just sweatdropped.

 

“Damn, she rebounded from that pretty quickly,” commented Tomoe.

“Show the footage! Show the tentacle-action!” shouted Michiru, “We wanna see! We wanna see…!” It was Haruka’s turn to thwap Michiru.

 

The scene switched, showing the SporeHunters and Kaorinite as they got into a large elevator and started riding it down.

“Whoa,” commented Jup.Knight, “Where the heck did this thing come from?”

“Do elevators just pop up everywhere in Tokyo?” asked Adam.

“Actually, this is an Animamate cargo teleporter,” explained Kaorinite as she put on a cool pair of sunglasses, “It functions on the same principles as their teleport booths. Now, as you know no weapons are allowed inside Planet Hentai. At the bottom of this elevator there is a coat-check girl and, if you’re lucky, one recycled monster-of-the-day for checking guns.”

“And if we’re unlucky?” asked Seiya.

“There will be many recycled monsters-of-the-day,” replied Kaorinite. Suddenly, the doors opened, revealing a room flanked by rows of pillars. On the far side of the room was a large desk and a wall stacked with huge amounts of weapons, mostly guns and swords. Standing near the desk were about five daimons and phages ( Nakoneeru, Sailor Mademoiselle, Sailor Pretty, Sailor Picture, and Doorknobda ). A second later cute little Mil from “Maze” stepped up with her kawaii colorful ( and scanty ) outfit and a smile.

“Hi, may I take your…?” she began, then she saw the SporeHunters, “Oh crap!” Wolfwood quickly grabbed Mil and yanked her inside the elevator, shoving her into Kaorinite’s grasp as the rest of the SporeHunters quickly rushed out. Solarchos, Jup.Knight, and Seiya all leveled their weapons and began firing, blowing Doorknobda totally away. The background music started up as the gunfight began ( “Coat-check Chaos” from the Matrix – Revolutions soundtrack ).

 

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” cried Haruka, “Smoke ‘em!”

“Matrix-style gunfight in progress Jedite!” shouted Tomoe, “Quit playing Twister with Minako and my daughter and get your butt out here!”

“We are NOT playing Twister!!” shouted Minako as she and Hotaru stood up. Jedite stood up, too, with his underwear now up around his stomach.

“Matrix-style gunfight?!” demanded Jedite, “Where?” Everyone pointed at the TV. Jedite climbed over the couch and sat back down. “Oh hell yes!”

 

Nakoneru and the phages all scattered, ducking behind the pillars or jumping up onto the ceiling. The SporeHunters all glanced at each other, then spread out and began kicking @$$.

Dashing across the walls and ceiling, Nekoneru charged at them, weaving left and right as bullets and laser blasts cut around her. Solarchos tossed his shotgun to Starcat, then pivoted around and emptied his MA5B’s current clip into Sailor Pretty. Wolfwood and Seiya joined in, catching Sailor Pretty in a 3-way crossfire that quickly took her down.

Starcat caught the shotgun and began firing at Nekoneru, blasting the neko-daimon with 12-gauge rubber solid-slugs that hit like sledge-hammers. Nekoneru cried out as Starcat nailed her with a direct hit to her side. Falling to the ground, the daimon was easy prey for Adam and Leudast, who quickly dispatched her with their swords.

“Shutter click!” shouted Sailor Picture as she opened fire with her attack, firing an energy beam at the SporeHunters and blowing an appreciable dent into one of the walls. Jup.Knight and Kakyuu both returned fire at the Phage. Sailor Picture yelped painfully as several bullets and laser blasts cut into her. She quickly jumped onto the ceiling and began flipping backwards, avoiding the rest of Kakyuu’s and Jup.Knight’s shots as they both emptied their weapons at her. Sailor Picture jumped back to the ground and spun around behind one of the pillars…and subsequently got her head blown off by a direct-contact blast from Wolfwood’s Desert Eagle.

Sailor Mademoiselle attacked Starcat directly, knocking the shotgun out of her hands and attempting to whack her with her whip. Starcat ducked aside, evading the whip, and lashed out at the Phage with her elbow blades. Mademoiselle dodged aside easily, flipping acrobatically onto the ceiling. Starcat leapt into the air with a “Matrix-style slow-motion kick” and slammed her foot into the Phage’s face, sending her flying backward into the wall. Mademoiselle fell to the ground and staggered to her feet…only to find the SporeHunters dashing for cover. She looked down…and saw the Covenant plasma grenade Starcat had slapped onto her.

“Aww, FUGNUTS!!!” screamed Sailor Mademoiselle. A second later the plasma grenade went off, instantly transforming her into Sailor McNuggets. Starcat faced the camera again and flashed the V-sign, smiling.

“Explodey-dodie-odie!” she called out.

“That was fun!” exclaimed Kakyuu, “Can we do that again?!”

“Nicely done,” commented Morrigan over the radio, “Wolfwood, that blast to that Phage’s head was just golden! Keep it up! I’m getting some great footage here.” Meanwhile, Solarchos reloaded and took a look through a doorway that led to some stairs going up.

“Okay, these stairs go up to the main floor of Planet Hentai,” he explained, “That’s primarily the dance floor, the restaurant, the kitchen, the karaoke rooms, the fighting pit, and the games. Hopefully, we can get to the main staircase without getting spotted. We don’t want to start a fight in here.”

“Oh, speaking of starting fights,” stated Morrigan over the radio, “I had some standard “Sporehunt care packages” put behind the desk there. One’s for Kakyuu, one’s for Leudast, and the plastic case is for you.” Kakyuu, Leudast, and Solarchos went to get the care packages while the other SporeHunters began checking out all the cool weapons hanging on the walls.

The packages all contained the usual things ( cufftape, equipment harness, flashlight, knife, and some cash ) but Leudast also got a Point-Blank heavy Kevlar armor vest and a steel-cored tonfa like Wolfwood while Kakyuu got a stainless steel combat fan, a compound bow, and a small package of arrows.

Solarchos opened the case. Lying inside on a foam-rubber bed was a large rifle that looked vaguely like an AK-47 due to its slightly curved ammo clip. The barrel was huge; it looked like the rifle fired 20mm bullets. The whole gun was rather large, slightly bulky, probably armored, and looked extremely powerful. It also featured a laser sight mounted along the top of the barrel and a variable-power sniper scope. Solarchos picked it up and the two extra clips of ammunition. He ejected the clip currently loaded and cleared the chamber- the bullet he ejected was as big as a shotgun shell and was topped with a sharp-pointed cap that looked like it could punch through armor like paper. Big as the rifle was, Solarchos carried it quite easily.

“I figured you could use the extra firepower,” explained Morrigan, “You can thank me later!”

 

“Damn!” exclaimed Jedite, “Do you see the size of that hand-cannon? It’s bigger than he is!”

“Now that’s what I call a “world shaker”!” commented Haruka.

“Doesn’t that thing violate a few arms-limitation treaties out there?” asked Hotaru.

“That Solarchos must be a member of the NBA to get a hold of a gun like that,” remarked Minako. Artemis sweatdropped at Minako’s statement.

“What’s he going to do with that thing?” asked Michiru, “Vaporize Chibiusa and her cronies?” She suddenly became very silent and her eyes widened as she realized something. “OH HELL YES!!!”

“Yeah, he’s gonna strike down upon them with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy his brothers!” cried Tomoe, “And Chibiusa will know his name is the Lord…!”

“When he lays his vengeance on her!!!” screamed Jedite and Haruka.

 

“Damn! What the hell kinda gun is that?!” asked Wolfwood as he stared at Solarchos’ new rifle.

“Long story,” replied Solarchos, “I’ll tell you about it later.”

“Hey, if you’ve got that thing, can I use your shotgun?” asked Starcat, hopefully. Solarchos nodded and handed her his shotgun bandoleer. In the meantime Kakyuu was happily examining her new weapons while Leudast put on his new armor vest.

“And Morrigan said we could actually KEEP all this stuff afterwards?” said Kakyuu, excitedly, “This is awesome!”

“Yeah, Sporehunt rules!” exclaimed Leudast.

“You got that right!” replied Seiya as she high-fived Leudast.

“All right, let’s keep moving,” announced Solarchos as he finished loading up. The SporeHunters quickly went up the stairs. At the top there was a door and through it they could hear the distinct sounds of loud, thumping music. A few of them started moving their heads to the beat.

“Damn, that sounds like a kick@$$ party going on the other side,” commented Jup.Knight.

“Is everyone ready?” asked Solarchos. The guys all nodded eagerly. The girls didn’t look quite as excited. Solarchos sighed deeply; his hand rested on the doorknob.

 

“OPEN IT!” screamed Tomoe, “Open it, you pantywaist!!!”

“Turn it…turn it…turn it…!” chanted Jedite, Haruka, and Artemis. Hotaru and Minako shook their heads and sighed.

 

C-Pov – down towards the doors leading into the main area of the club. The doors opened, and the SporeHunters quickly filed through. Everyone stared in amazement at the scene around them…

 

At the home of the Suburban Senshi there was a loud moan and then silence as they ALL stared at the TV, utterly mesmerized by the scene.

”Oh…my…god,” gasped Jedite after a few seconds.

“IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL!” shrieked Tomoe, “Muahahahahahaha!!!”

“Cover your eyes,” warned Michiru.

“Yeah, do it Hotaru,” added Haruka. Michiru turned and looked at Haruka.

“I’m not talking to Hotaru,” growled Michiru. Haruka just sweatdropped.

“Uhh…Hotaru-chan, are you all right?” asked Minako. Hotaru was even paler than usual and blood was trickling from her nose.

 

The inside of Planet Hentai was the stuff of every fanboy’s dreams ( and probably a few fangirls, too ). The camera rotated around to view everything as the next song began playing ( “In My Head” by Pale 3 from the “Matrix – Revolutions” soundtrack ). The interior of Planet Hentai was huge, with split levels, flashing lights, neon signs, and lots and LOTS of hentai memorabilia that made all of the SporeHunters sweatdrop. Most of the first floor was dominated by a large dance floor over which numerous go-go dance cages were suspended. On the other side of the dance floor were a couple of stages. On one stage Planet Hentai’s resident band, Priss and the Replicants, were jamming away hard. The other stage was the realm of the club’s exotic dancers : the were-jaguar from “Gold-Digger” was currently grooving and gyrating to the delight of dozens in an outfit that left absolutely *nothing * to the imagination.

“Whoa! What on earth is keeping that outfit on that were-jaguar?!” asked Haruka.

“Uhmm, the eyes of every fanboy in the place?” offered Artemis.

The dance floor was quite well-packed with schoolgirls, biker-boys, bishonen, and anime characters galore, all of them intent on bumping, grinding, and getting their freaks on all night long. Dancing the night away in the Go-Go cages were Naomi Armitage, Shayla-Shayla from “El Hazard”, Washuu, Faye Valentine from “Cowboy Bebop”, TigerEye, Aerith Gainsbrough from “Final Fantasy 7”, and much to everyone’s surprise, Yaten, Taiki, and Ami Muzino. Out on the dance floor they managed to recognize Filia and Sylphiel from “Slayers”, the sexy Mad Hatter from “Clamp’s Miyuki-chan In Wonderland”, Tira Misu, Yohko Mano from “Mamono Hunter Yohko”, Marron Glaces, Zechs Merquise from “Gundam Wing”, Dee Layter and Ryo Maclaine from “Fake!”, Nuriko from “Fushigi Yugi” ( who, oddly enough, seemed NOT out of place in here ) and all of the Witches 5 and the Animamates ( with the obvious exception of Tin Nyanko ). They were just a few recognizable faces amongst several hundred.

“What the f%$#??!!” screamed Kakyuu, “What are Yaten and Taiki doing here?!”

“I don’t believe this!” shouted Seiya, “Those bungholes said they were going out of town for a special appearance!”

“Uhhh…they’re sure making an appearance here, that’s for sure,” replied Wolfwood. A moment later they ALL sweatdropped big-time as they watched the were-jaguar get off the stage and Galaxia herself got on.

 

Tomoe began bouncing in his seat.

“Look!” he cried, “Mimette-kun!!! Shake it, baby!”

“All of the Witches 5 are there!” replied Haruka, “Wow! Cyprine and Pikurol are groovin’!”

“I have to admit that Eudial’s got a pretty good body on her,” said Jedite.

“Holy sh!t!” screamed Artemis, “Galaxia got back!”

“What the f^%# is Ami doing in that place?!” demanded Hotaru, “She gets embarrassed when *other * people watch other people kissing!”

“Yeah, she’s more shy and geekier than you!” added Minako. Hotaru glared at her, then thwapped Minako upside the head.

 

Nearby were the booth-seats and tables of the restaurant, and the well-endowed girls of “Variable Geo” were roller-skating all over the place as waitresses. Adam barely managed to avoid getting run over by the skateboarding bunny-girl from “Wonderland” as she sped by. Everyone else stared at the various clientele in the restaurant. Misato Katsuragi from “Evangelion” and Melissa Mao from “Full Metal Panic” were bellying-up on sake, Happosai was happily swiping the panties off of Yurika Misumaru from “Nadesico” ( and she didn’t seem to mind that much ), and Miaka from “Fushigi Yugi” and Lina Inverse were in the middle of a catfight over food while Tasuki, Chichiri, Carrot Glaces, Hotohori, Gourry, Xelloss, Tetsuya Kagibara, Tamahome, and Keisuke Yuuki were all watching and cheering on. Again, they were just a few of the recognizable faces amongst many.

 

“Oh my…!” gasped Tomoe as the camera focused on the catfight between Miaka and Lina for several seconds, “Oh my…! Where is this great and wonderful place?!”

“Oooo! Miaka just b!^*hslapped Lina!” called out Artemis.

“Very unwise,” intoned Rei.bot.

“Most dishonorable,” added Michiru. Everyone began either cringing in sympathy or laughing hysterically as Lina grabbed Miaka in a headlock, grabbed a steak, and began shoving the entire thing into Miaka’s mouth.

“…Eat it, you b!^*h!!” screamed Lina, “Eat it! Eat it! Every bite! Oh-hohohohohohohoho!!!” Tomoe immediately joined in with her.

 

The SporeHunters glanced over at the area opposite of the restaurant…and facefaulted. This was the “fun zone”, containing the Jell-O fighting pit ( where the Space Pirate Ryoko was currently taking on Utena ) and numerous games of “skill”. Jyako Amano was playing the Mokona Malleting game, Vash, Rally Vincent, and Gene Starwind were playing the “Plug the Puuchuu” game ( with real Puuchuu’s, by the way…and live ammo ), Duo Maxwell and Shinji Ikari were having the times of their lives playing “Spank the Senshi”, Valgarv and Kaiba Seto were having fun playing “Pin the Spear on the Lilith”, but the most fun was being had running the Naughty Tentacle Obstacle Course…and in it Mihoshi was NOT having much luck, much to everyone else’s delight.

 

“SPANK THE SENSHI??!!” screamed everyone in the Suburban Senshi den. Even Rei.bot looked surprised.

“YES!!” screamed Jedite as he saw that Venus and Saturn were the one’s being spanked in the game, “Oh hell yes!!” He and Tomoe began headbanging moments later. Minako and Hotaru made record-breaking face-faults.

“I am not amused,” said Michiru, flatly.

“Spank the Senshi?!” exclaimed Haruka, “Dude, that is f#%$ed up more than anything that has ever been f#%$ed up before!”

“I AM NOT A SEX SYMBOL!!!” screamed Hotaru, “Why do people keep putting me into all kinds of ecchi situations usually wearing only a string bikini, dammit?!” Minako just stared at the TV.

“I think Minako’s brain melted-down,” called out Artemis.

“She never had much of a brain to meltdown in the first place, cat,” replied Jedite.

 

“Holy crap!” cried Seiya, “The Spores could be anywhere in where!”

“We need to split up and start searching,” replied Jup.Knight, raising his voice over the noise.

“No way!” retorted Solarchos, “We’ve got to stick together in here and not get separated! Otherwise, we might now be able to find each other again.”

“Damn!!” shouted Leudast as he stared out at one of the nearby booths, “It’s Princess Fatora and Arielle Relraye from “EL Hazard”…and they’re making out right here!!!”

“Dang, man, you’re not kidding!” cried Wolfwood. Kakyuu’s face turned bright, luminous red.

“LEUDAST!” she screamed as she b!^*hslapped him from behind, “*I’m * the only princess you’re allowed to look at!” Suddenly she and Starcat made shocked expressions as Happosai suddenly dashed by…holding both of their panties in his hands.

“Heavenly feminine treasures!!!” he proclaimed as he bounded through the crowds. Starcat and Kakyuu immediately chased after him, and Leudast went along involuntarily as Kakyuu’s hand was latched on to his ear.

“Come back here with our panties, you freak!!” screamed Kakyuu and Starcat.

“AAAAaaaaaaahhhh! Let go of my ear…!” cried Leudast as the three of them vanished into the crowds.

“Uhhh…are we ever going to see them again?” asked Seiya.

“Crap! Not good!” stated Solarchos. He sighed and took a deep breath. “All right, we’re going after them. Let’s go.”

 

Staying together in one group, Solarchos, Jup.Knight, Wolfwood, Adam, and Seiya began maneuvering onto the dance floor, keeping their weapons concealed and trying to be as inconspicuous as possible ( under the circumstances ). They were successful…for about three seconds. By that time they were almost at the stages.

“Wolfwood-sama! Solarchos-sama!” screamed someone. Both Wolfwood and Solarchos looked over to see a blur of white coming at them like a Skud missile. A moment later Iron Mouse latched onto both of their legs and held on tight, hugging both of them and smiling. “Mmmmm, my two favorite boy-toys have finally come for me!” she sang happily.

“Ahhhhh!” screamed Seiya, pointing at Iron Mouse, “It’s the psycho Sailor-stalker!” Wolfwood began to panic.

“Hey! Get offa me, Nezu!” cried Wolfwood as he tried to pull away from Iron Mouse, “I can’t be seen with you!”

“What?!” demanded Iron Mouse, “Are you saying that hot, torrid night you and I spent together meant nothing to you?!” Jup.Knight started having problems of his own as someone grabbed him from behind.

“Love me, dammit!” screamed Asuka Langley from “Evangelion” as she threw herself at Jup.Knight.

“Oh sh!t!” he screamed, “It’s the Eva Angst-Addict! Somebody help me!” Adam stared at him and recoiled a little, then happened to look up…and sweatdropped.

 

C-Pov – Up towards the light-rigging over the stages. Rikkuo and Paine had just finished tying a banner onto it. They glanced at each other, nodded, and let it fall open. The banner proudly proclaimed “Planet Hentai Welcomes Sporehunt!”. Tifa Lockhart was busy hanging a life-size Chibiusa plushie from a noose while Yuna, Kei, and Yuri saluted it like the national flag.

 

Solarchos looked up and saw what was going on. He began to facefault, then events happening on the stage caught his attention.

Galaxia had finished “struttin’ her stuff” and the next dancer came out. She was a lean, trim girl with a creamy complexion, athletic body, fine white hair that fell to her shoulders, and large lavender eyes. Her cat-like ears and long tail instantly identified her as a Neko-girl. She was wearing a too-tight schoolgirl uniform and moved with a grace and dexterity no human could ever hope to match. Solarchos stared at her, mesmerized as she began to twirl and dance around the stage. Then the cat-girl began to start removing her uniform.

 

“Neh, cat-girl,” said Hotaru with a little contempt.

“Whoa! Take it off, baby!” cried Tomoe as he whipped out a bunch of yen bills.

“Now I know why the youma were all attracted to schoolgirls,” said Jedite, “There’s just something about a cat-girl in a school uniform!” Then there was a small thud as Artemis caught sight of the cat-girl loosening her sailor-top…and promptly fainted.

 

“Whoa! Isn’t that Shaldra?” asked Seiya.

“Who?” retorted Adam.

“Shaldra Darkness! From the forums!” explained Seiya, “I didn’t know she worked here.” In the background the amorous Asuka had brought Jup.Knight to his knees while Iron Mouse was still clinging to Wolfwood’s leg ( much to his dismay ).

“*That’s * Shaldra?!” replied Solarchos, “That’s her?!” His expression was one of complete surprise.

“What? What’s wrong?” asked Adam, “You’ve spoken with her before on the forums.”

“Yeah, but I had NO idea…!!” replied Solarchos as he kept watching Shaldra, unable to take his eyes off her. The cat-girl looked back, saw Solarchos staring at her, gave him a wink and blew a kiss. Solarchos’ nose instantly began bleeding again.

“Yo!!” cried Sailor Heavy Metal Pappillon as she watched the proceedings, “Hey everybody! We’ve got a “Tenchi” on the floor!” She was pointing directly at Solarchos, who immediately facefaulted.

“It’s a set-up!!” he shouted, “Ready weapons!” Seiya and Adam gave him a funny look; Jup.Knight and Wolfwood were preoccupied. Solarchos whipped out his Ares Predator and aimed it at the crowds surrounding them. Just then he noticed what was happening up on the stage.

Shaldra was having a few problems of her own as Maze ( in male form ), Ryo Saeba, and Rei Hino’s grandfather were all grabbing onto her tail and pulling her towards them.

“Ow! Dammit! Let go!” she screamed, “My tail is NOT a handle!” Without a second thought Solarchos barged his way through the crowd towards the stage.

 

“Oh yeah, baby!” called out Tomoe, “Spank that cat-girl! Kitty’s been naughty!”

“You know,” commented Hotaru, “With all that grooving going on I’m kinda surprised Austin Powers isn’t there. That looks like his kinda place.”

“Groovy, bay-bee! Yeah!” cried Tomoe.

“What the…?!” shouted Minako, “What’s Rei’s grandfather doing there?!” Haruka shrugged.

“Are you kidding?” she replied, “The man’s such a pervert I’d be surprised if he WASN’T there.”

“Here’s an ugly thought,” said Michiru, “What is some of her grandfather’s ecchiness actually rubbed off on her?”

“Oh, it has,” replied Jedite, shuddering a little, “Trust me, it has!”

The scene switched, showing Ryo Saeba’s leering face as they slowly but surely pulled the fine-looking cat-girl towards them…then he facefaulted as he turned to see Solarchos pointing his pistol right at his face.

“Let her go right now!” ordered Solarchos. Ryo and Maze quickly complied. Rei’s grandfather, however, leapt onto the stage and glomped Shaldra’s leg. The cat-girl staggered back, lost her balance, and tumbled right off the stage…

Right into the arms of Solarchos. He blushed big-time as he caught Shaldra.

“Huh?” yelped Shaldra as she quickly looked around, realizing what had happened. Then she looked at Solarchos. “My hero! Thanks, Solar!” Solarchos just nodded weakly and continued to bleed from his nose.

Rei’s grandfather, however, laughed pervertedly and continued to glomp Shaldra’s leg.

“Get offa Shaldra, you freak!” shouted Seiya as she and the rest of the SporeHunters rushed over. With a huge whack, Jup.Knight nailed Rei’s grandfather with his bat, sending the midget-pervert catapulting over the crowds…where he landed in the middle of the Naughty Tentacle Obstacle Course. He didn’t last long after that.

On top of the light-rigging Rikkuo held up a scorecard – 9.7 Paine held up a second card – 9.6 Next to Paine Happosai held up…Paine’s panties.

 

“Hold it right there!” called out an authoritative voice that was easily heard over the crowds and music. Standing before the SporeHunters was a tall, gorgeously well-endowed girl with lots of red-hair, a skimpy AD Police uniform, and barcodes on her arms and forehead. Her violet eyes flashed angrily as she saw the weapons the SporeHunters carried. Arrayed on her sides were the numerous Black Delmos and Minnie-May Hopkins. All of them were smirking.

 

“WHOA!!! She’s a babe!!” screamed Tomoe as he stared at the red-head’s huge, giggling bosoms which put Naga’s and Kaorinite’s to shame, “Come to papa!!”

“Damn!!” cried Jedite, “She makes Rei.bot look like nothing! Forget you, Rei.bot.” Rei.bot just smirked a little…and gave him the finger. Haruka just stared silently at the scene, her head tilting slightly.

“Oh great,” grumbled Hotaru, “I think Haruka-poppa’s brain is gone.”

“I can fix that!” snarled Michiru. The echo created by Michiru’s hand connecting with Haruka’s face seemed to last forever…as did Haruka’s agonized scream.

“Oh, hi Pandemonium,” said Shaldra, waving nervously. Wolfwood, Adam, and Jup.Knight all gawked at the girl. Or rather, her huge…tracts of land.

“You got in here with unlicensed weapons AND without submitting to a standard administrative search!” declared Pandemonium, “And you all look like suspicious otaku, too! Naughty tentacles of justice…DEPLOY!” Adam, Seiya, Shaldra, Wolfwood, and Jup.Knight all stared in horror are long mechanical tentacles extended out of the short sleeves of Pandemonium’s outfit. She took one step forward…and froze as a scintillating orange laser-dot focused on her forehead.

 

C-Pov – a few feet next to Solarchos as he aimed his new rifle directly at Pandemonium’s head.

“All right, you Sexaroid Hyperboomer bimbo,” he stated, “This thing fires 20mm, rocket-propelled, fin-stabilized, shaped-charge, mass-reactive, high-explosive, armor-piercing, depleted-uranium rounds and will crack open that titanium skull of yours like a frelling *cantelope *!!”

 

“Wow, he got all that in one breath,” remarked Haruka.

“Impressive,” added Jedite.

 

Pandemonium’s brow twitched a little as Solarchos aimed down at her chest.

“Now, retract those tentacles of yours and back off,” ordered Solarchos. By now the other SporeHunters had their guns out and were aiming at the Black Delmos closing in around them. Just then the Delmos were pulled aside by a group of rather mismatched people – an angry-looking Elf girl with a big-@$$ spatula for a weapon, a guy that looked like a red-haired version of Gourry from “Slayers”, a girl in a rather tight-fitting red one-piece bikini with lavender hair and a nasty smirk ( she looked a little like Ryozaki Umi from “Magic Knights Rayearth” ), a guy that looked like Trunks from “DBZ”…only he was wearing a sailor fuku, and a guy that looked a little bit like Duo Maxwell from “Gundam Wing” brandishing a katana. Pandemonium smiled as she noticed the newcomers.

“Who are these guys?” asked Wolfwood.

“The Fanboys,” replied Solarchos, “Some of them, at least. They’re animefans just like us and Planet Hentai’s their place. I can’t believe Morrigan actually led us here!” Suddenly a voice boomed out over the music. Silence filled Planet Hentai a moment later.

“Quelle bonne surprise, n’est pas?” called out a girl’s voice from the shadows of one of the upper floors, “Who would’ve guessed we’d finally be able to meet in a place like this. Tell me, how many bullets are there in your guns? I don’t know, but I don’t think you have enough.”

“I’d like to know what kinda gun that is,” asked the Fanboy who looked like Duo, motioning towards Solarchos’ rifle, “That thing looks cool!” Pandemonium thwapped him…hard.

“Shaddup, Carnage!” she snapped. Shaldra followed up by kicking him in the shin.

“We’re not here to fight you,” called back Solarchos.

“Oh, I’m sure you’re not,” replied the girl from above, “But you’ve certainly fought through hell to get here, haven’t you? I’ll tell you what I’ll do. Put down your weapons and I’ll grant you safe passage through Planet Hentai.”

“For all of us?” asked Jup.Knight.

“Oh yes,” replied the girl, giggling a little, “Yes, of course!” The SporeHunters glanced at Solarchos, who reluctantly reslung his rifle onto his shoulder. The others followed suit. The Fanboys and the Black Delmos closed in around them and started herding them all up the nearest flight of stairs to the balcony above. Shaldra followed and the party continued as if nothing had happened.

 

“All right, a little Matrix stuff going on,” commented Haruka.

“So who’s running that place? A perved-out version of the French guy?” asked Michiru.

“Maybe it’s a perved-out version of Neo?” offered Minako. Jedite and Tomoe burst out laughing.

“Whoa,” intoned Rei.bot.

“I know poon-tang!” added Tomoe.

 

The SporeHunters reached the top of the stairs and were quickly brought before a rather well-appointed booth. Seated in between Sophia from “Battle Arena Toshinden” and Megumi Amano was a girl who looked strikingly like Rei Hino. Standing off to the side was the “Golden Boy” himself, Kintaro.

 

Meanwhile, at home, the Suburban Senshi all face-faulted big time when they saw the girl.

“No!” exclaimed Minako, shaking her head back and forth in total disbelief, “No! That’s not true! That’s impossible!”

“That CAN’T be Rei Hino! It just can’t be!” added Michiru.

“Search your feelings! You know it to be true!” stated Jedite, ominously ( a la Darth Vader ).

“Noooooooooo!” wailed Minako. Hotaru squinted at the TV.

“That looks more like the female Maze instead of Rei Hino,” she called out, “Or maybe a really ecchi Slyphielle?”

 

The girl smiled broadly as the SporeHunters were brought to her.

“Havoc,” said Solarchos, nodding slightly.

“Who’s that?” asked Wolfwood.

“Lord Havoc,” replied Shaldra, “The owner of Planet Hentai. The Hentenno, the epitome of ecchi, the Fuhrer of fanservice, and the Mister Thang of the almighty poon-tang. He’s the boss here.”

“He?” asked Adam, “But all I see is a Rei Hino lookalike sitting there.”

“Are you saying…?” began Seiya. Shaldra sighed and nodded.

“Yup,” she explained, “Havoc’s a guy by day but a girl by night. He’s apparently been like that ever since he stole the cursed panties of Torajima from “Dragon Pink”. Bottom line, he’s got a gender-bender curse on him.” The SporeHunters all face-faulted.

“Aha, here he is at last,” began Lord ( er, Lady ) Havoc, “Solarchos. L’ange sans ailes si beau qu’il me fait souffrir!” Solarchos brow-twitched a little. “I have heard so much, you all honor me. Please, sit, join us.” The SporeHunters all sat down in the chairs and seats available. Pandemonium and some of the other Fanboys sat down as well, as did Minnie-May Hopkins, who was eyeing the SporeHunter’s weapons eagerly. “You’ve already met Pandemonium,” continued Havoc, “And over there is my sister Anarchy…” She pointed to “Ryuzaki”. “And my other associates Demolition ( the red-head Gourry ), Sarcasm ( the surly-looking elven girl ), Carnage, and Chaos ( the fuku-wearing “Trunks” ). The rest of my circle of friends are elsewhere. Apparently, Planet Hentai is just too much for them to handle. Something to eat? Drink? Fondle? Grope?”

The SporeHunters sweatdropped a little.

“Uhhh…I think we’ll pass,” said Wolfwood.

“Yes, of course,” replied Havoc as she ran her hand up Sophia’s thigh, “Who has the time? Who has time? But then if we do not ever take time how can we ever have time?” She grabbed her glass and took a sip. “Chateau Haut-Brion 1959, magnificent wine, I love French wine…”

“Uhh…Havoc,” whispered Kintaro, “That’s cherry Coke.” Havoc ignored him.

“I love the French language, fantastic language, especially to curse with. Nom de Dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperie de connard d’encule de ta mere! You see, it’s like wiping your butt with a schoolgirl’s silk panties. I love it!” By now EVERYONE was sweatdropping a little.

“You know why we’re here,” said Solarchos.

“Oh yes,” replied Havoc, “The great Sporehunt! It’s been the talk of the whole town for a while now. But that is not a reason, that is not a “why”. The Sporehunt itself, its very nature, is a means, not an end, and so, to look for them is to be looking for a means to do…what?”

“Uhhh…to beat the everloving sh!t out of Chibiusa?” offered Jup.Knight.

“Yeah, that’s kinda what I figure this is all about,” added Shaldra.

“Havoc-bro,” began Anarchy, “What the f#^% are you talking about?”

“I think you need to take those panties off your head so you can listen to what you’re saying,” added Sarcasm, “You sound like a complete idiot.” Havoc wasn’t paying attention. She leaned out across Megumi’s lap and stared over the balcony railing out onto the dance floor below.

 

C-Pov – the camera focused on and zoomed in on none other than Mihoshi herself.

 

“BANG!!!” shouted Hotaru, “Sniper rifle bullet through the skull!”

“We wish,” sighed Jedite, “Oh, how we wish.” Haruka suddenly began to get excited.

“Oh yeah,” she began, “Oh yeah! This is it! This is it! Here come…the PIE!”

 

“Look there,” began Havoc, pointing at Mihoshi as she gorged herself in the restaurant section, “Kami-sama look at her. Affecting everyone around her, so obvious, so bourgeois, so boring…”

 

“So clumsy…so mindless,” commented Jedite.

“Just like Neo Queen Serenity!” added Tomoe. Hotaru and Minako nodded in agreement.

 

“But wait,” continued Havoc, “Watch. You see, I have sent her dessert, a very special dessert.” Mihoshi perked up as one of the Variable Geo waitresses brought her a big piece of chocolate mousse pie which Mihoshi promptly proceeded to devour. “I had it done up myself. It starts so simply, each ingredient creating a new effect, just like poetry.” By now Mihoshi looked like she was feeling something strange inside her. “First a rush…heat…her heart flutters. You can all see it, yes? She does not understand why. Is it the soda? No. What is it then, what is the reason…?”

 

“It the PIE!” cried Haruka, “It’s all about the PIE!”

“Ugh, you and your obsession with that movie…” groaned Michiru.

 

“And soon it does not matter,” continued Havoc’s narrative while Mihoshi began to pant and moan, “Soon the why and the reason are gone and all that matters is the feeling itself. This is the nature of the universe. We struggle against it, we fight to deny it, but it is of course pretense, it is a lie. Beneath our poised appearance the truth is…”

Mihoshi was moaning loudly by now.

“…we are completely…”

Mihoshi grabbed the edge of the table with both hands.

“…out…”

Mihoshi tilted her head back.

“…of control.”

 

BLAM!!! Mihoshi’s head exploded like an egg in a microwave, splattering everyone nearby with bits, pieces, and lots of blond hair ( but not much brain-matter…MYSTERY SOLVED! ). The skateboarding bunny-girl lost her balance, wiped out, and went head-first into the booth where Ranma and Akane were having a quiet evening, spilling the drinks she was carrying all over Ranma and gender-switching him. Akane was not amused and yet another bicker-fest began.

Meanwhile, Havoc, Solarchos, and all of the Fanboys and SporeHunters face-faulted, sweatdropped, and / or browtwitched.

“Uhhh…was that *supposed * to happen?” asked Minnie-May.

“Uhhh…not really,” replied Havoc, sheepishly. Over the radio Morrigan just laughed hysterically.

 

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” The Suburban Senshi were literally rolling on the floor.

“I told you!” cried Haruka, “Nothing can beat the PIE!”

“I got my wish!” squealed Hotaru, “I got it! I got it!”

“And there was much rejoicing,” intoned Rei.bot.

“Kiyone’s gotta be loving this!” cried Tomoe.

 

The scene switched, showing Happosai as he sprinted happily through the halls of Planet Hentai, grinning like an idiot as he hefted his bag of stealthily-swiped panties. He paused for a moment to take a look at his newly-acquired treasures. He opened the bag…

…and was roughly yanked backwards as Chibiusa thrust a plastic bag over his head and tightened it hard against his throat. She then grabbed Nako-Nako by the neck, stabbed Happosai in the side with Nako’s horn, causing the panty-perv to double over to his side. Chibiusa then began kicking his repeatedly in the head. Three…four…five times. On the sixth kick she let go and let him fall lifelessly to the floor. Then she kicked him a few more times in the head just to be certain.

“Oh yes!” commented Morrigan over the radio, “You’ve inspired me, kid! That was brutal!” Helios, FishEye, Zoicite, and Nyanko rushed up.

“Hey!” began Nyanko, “That’s the bastard that stole my panties back there!” She immediately snatched up Happosai’s bag and started looking through it. With a big, sick grin Helios started helping her.

“Great, first Ataru and now Happosai,” groaned Zoicite, “We’re really starting to stack up corpses around here.” He and FishEye quickly grabbed Happosai and began dragging him towards the nearest door to hide the body.

“Hey, you’re just jealous ‘cause I’m kicking @$$ and taking names!” exclaimed Chibiusa, “You just suck!”

“We’re supposed to be trying to avoid getting caught, you pink-haired moron!” snapped FishEye, “We can’t very well do that if you keep killing every single person we come across!”

“Yeah, what’s next?” said Nyanko as she found her panties and pulled them back on, “If we run into Chibi-Chibi are you gonna hack her, too?”

“Uh, if we run into Chibi-Chibi in here *I’m * going to be freaking out,” replied Helios, “Contrary to what you all think there are some lines even I refuse to cross.”

 

Just then all hell broke loose. Two of the nearby doors opened almost simultaneously. Out of one doorway emerged a Black Delmo girl. She immediately caught sight of the Spores.

“Oh crap, it’s you b@$tards!” she cried. She immediately turned and started running away. “IT’S THE SPORES! DO IT TO HIM!”

“F%$#!” screamed Helios, “They’re gonna waste another member of Chibiusa’s family!”

“Yeah, what luck!” said Zoicite.

“Not quite,” advised Morrigan over the radio, “I need to rescue at least one of them if you want to make it out of Planet Hentai alive.” NakoNako turned and looked behind her…and facefaulted as she saw the second door open.

 

Kakyuu, Starcat, and Leudast walked into the hallway.

“Oh f%$#!!” hissed Nyanko.

“It’s them!” called out Leudast.

“The fungus and her cronies!” added Starcat.

“Good!” snarled Kakyuu as she cracked her knuckles in readiness, “Who wants to play soccer with Chibiusa’s severed head?!” Zoicite stepped forward.

“Hey, fungus,” ordered Zoicite, “You, FishEye, and the horses go after that Delmo and stop her from taking out another member of your family. Nyanko and I will slow down these SporeHunters.”

“We will?” asked Nyanko. She sweatdropped when she saw the look of barely-restrained madness in Kakyuu’s eyes. Zoicite smiled, reached into his pocket, and pulled out a pair of ultra-cool shades which he slowly and dramatically put on. While Chibiusa, Helios, FishEye, and NakoNako rushed down the hall after the fleeing Delmo, Zoicite took a step back, held out his arm, and gave a silent “come on” gesture.

“What the f^%# are you doing?” demanded Nyanko.

 

“Setting himself up for a seriously humiliating defeat hopefully,” said Jedite.

“Oh yeah!” commented Haruka, “Now Zoicite’s going to become the One!”

“The one what?” asked Minako.

“The one who’s going to make himself look like the biggest idiot in the third millennium, probably,” stated Michiru.

“Doesn’t that “She bang” guy from “American Idol” already hold that title?” remarked Hotaru.

 

There was a loud bang as Starcat leveled her shotgun and blasted Zoicite with a stun round, sending the Dark former-General flying backwards. Nyanko brow-twitched a little.

“Well, who didn’t see that one coming a mile away,” she sighed. Nyanko stared at Kakyuu and growled. “All right, you carrot-topped wimp! Bring it on!” Kakyuu smiled wickedly.

“Oh, it’s already brought!” replied Kakyuu, “I’ve been looking forward to kicking the sh!t out of you, you schmoozing slut!” As Zoicite struggled to his feet, Kakyuu and Nyanko charged. The fight was on.

 

The scene suddenly cut to black as the DVD player stopped.

“AWWW, F%$#!!!” screamed everyone.

“What the hell happened?!” demanded Michiru, “It was just getting good!” Everyone heard a giggle from the kitchen…and slowly turned to face the source.

Standing near the destroyed remains of the counter was Setsuna herself, with a smile on her face and the remote in her hand.

“So this is how you people spend your weekends,” she remarked, “How curious.”

“Setsuna,” demanded Haruka, “What do you want?” Setsuna smiled mysteriously.

“Strange events are happening in the future that could result in disaster here in the present,” replied Setsuna, cryptically, “Ominous clouds threaten to block the Moon Princesses’ radiance. We are all needed in the present to…” Setsuna was knocked off her feet as Jedite pegged her in the forehead with an empty beer can.

“SHADDUP!!!” he shouted.

“F%$# the Moon Princess!” screamed Michiru, “We’re watching Sporehunt!”

“Yeah, so either hand over that remote control or my foot is going to be mysteriously implanted all the way up your @$$!!” yelled Hotaru. Stunned, Setsuna didn’t have a chance as the Suburban Senshi lunged at her, snatched back the remote, and proceeded to teach her a lesson.

 

 

 

Will another Tsukino family member go down? ( Probably )

Will Nyanko defeat Kakyuu? ( Doubt it )

Will sanity ever return to Tokyo? ( Not a chance! )

Will Starcat ever get to have some cookies?

 

Find out in the next insanity-packed episode of Sporehunt!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Episode 6

T & M Productions, in Association with Xadium Studios

T & M Productions, in Association with Xadium Studios

And the Suburban Senshi Signal Corps

Shamelessly Presents…

 

Suburban Senshi : Sporehunt

Episode 6 : Planet Hentai – Reloaded

 

Setsuna slumped down on the couch, pressing a bloody tissue up against her nose in an effort to stop the bleeding.

“Jeez Louise!” she exclaimed, “What is up with you people?!”

“We’re watching Sporehunt so shut the f#$% up!” snapped Haruka. Setsuna smirked a little.

“I already knew that,” she intoned cryptically.

“Okay, if you already knew that then you would’ve already known that we’d kick your ass if you interrupted us,” retorted Jedite.

“I knew that,” replied Setsuna. Michiru then thwapped her upside the head with her harisen.

“How about that?!” demanded Michiru, “Did you see *that * coming?!” She then whacked Setsuna again. “How about *that *?! And *that *! ( whap ) and *that *! (whap) and *that *!”

“Whoa! We’ve got a mad Michi on the loose!” called out Minako. Rei.bot quickly snatched the harisen out of Michiru’s hands and quickly gave her a thwap upside the head.

“Behave,” stated Rei.bot, flatly. Meanwhile, Tomoe had finished resetting the DVD player and continued when it had left off.

 

 

The Black Delmo dashed through the halls of Planet Hentai, sweatdropping a little as she heard the distinct sounds of pursuit behind her. The camera swiveled to show Chibiusa, Helios, NakoNako, and FishEye chasing after her.

“Hey!!” screamed the Delmo, “It’s the Spores! Do it to him!!” Over the radio Morrigan just chuckled.

“Crow,” stated Morrigan, “Please eliminate Shingo. He just got voted off the Planet!”

 

Lead Crow, Questis, and Chocolat Misu all smiled evilly at Shingo, then began walking towards him.

“It’s time, little boy,” said Chocolat as she and the other girls grabbed his chair and dragged it out into the middle of the room. Shingo’s eyes bulged and his nose began to bleed as he got a *good * look down Chocolat’s bikini top.

 

“I know the feeling!” added Haruka, “I’d be doing the same thing if I were in his position.” Michiru growled angrily…then Rei.bot quickly reached over and thwapped Haruka.

“Arigato!” replied Michiru.

“Welcome,” stated Rei.bot.

“No! Don’t kill Shingo!” cried Hotaru, “Give him to me!” She then started blushing fiercely as she realized her outburst.

“Yes, that’s it, Hotaru,” urged Jedite, “Give in to your ecchi side!”

 

Shingo nearly squealed as the three girls began pulling at his clothes. His expression became one of pure excitement as Lead Crow leaned over him. His hands struggled at the ropes binding him as he desperately tried to free himself, eager to cop a feel on any of them.

Then the three girls began stuffing carrots into his clothes.

 

“What the hell are they doing to him?” asked Setsuna.

“What? You mean you don’t know?” retorted Artemis. Setsuna facefaulted a little…and Tomoe burst out laughing.

 

Chocolat and Questis stuffed carrots into Shingo’s clothes until they were close to bursting while Lead Crow stood near a closed door. Once they were done, Questis and Chocolat quickly went over to a punching bag hanging from the ceiling and picked up baseball bats. Then Lead Crow opened the door.

“Chibiusa,” announced Morrigan over the radio, “Please say goodbye to Shingo!!”

 

Shingo screamed in terror as a horde of kawaii, ravenous Cabbits surged through the doorway, bouncing towards him as they all caught the scent of sweet, delectable carrots. Meowing happily, the Cabbits quickly buried Shingo while Chocolat and Questis began beating the crap out of the punching bag with their bats. Lead Crow collapsed to the floor laughing as the Cabbits swarmed over Shingo, crawling underneath his clothes to get at the carrots. Between Shingo’s muffled screams of laughter and the clubs smacking the punching bag, it sounded like Shingo was being beaten to death with sledgehammers.

Chibiusa heard every moment of it. After several seconds Morrigan cut the sound off.

“You might as well have done the deed yourself, kiddo,” said Morrigan.

 

“Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!” screamed the Suburban Senshi as they all burst out laughing.

“Death by Cabbit!” snickered Hotaru, “How cruel!”

“Yeah, but what a way to go!” added Artemis, “C’mon, cabbit-babes, shake those tails!”

“Well, I guess that’s better than a tentacle-rape any day,” added Jedite.

“Except in the Odango-Atama’s case,” added Tomoe, “They should tentacle-rape her every single day!”

 

The scene switched, showing Zoicite and Nyanko as they ran for their lives from Leudast, Starcat, and Kakyuu. A shotgun blast rang out, and part of the wall next to Zoicite exploded, showering him and Nyanko with plaster dust.

“Come back here and take what’s coming to you!” shouted Kakyuu, “I’ll bite your legs off!”

“That’s exactly why we’re running!” shouted back Nyanko as she kept on running. Zoicite, still in pain from getting shot with a stun round, was barely keeping up.

“Wait…stop for a second!” he called out.

“Are you crazy?!” screamed Nyanko, “They’re right behind us!”

“I can’t keep up! Those stun bullets hurt like hell!” retorted Zoicite. Nyanko skidded to a halt and spun around to face him.

“I don’t care!” she screamed, “I don’t wanna get caught by those freaks chasing us! You wanna stop that’s your problem, not mine. And…oh shit!” Zoicite turned around…to see Starcat, Leudast, and Kakyuu standing only a few feet away. Starcat smiled evilly as she leveled the needle pistol at Zoicite.

“No! Wait! Can’t we talk this over?!” pleaded Zoicite, “Nyanko! Help me!” Starcat simply smiled and pulled the trigger, putting a tranquilizer dart into Zoicite’s stomach.

 

“HELL YEAH!!” shouted the Suburban Senshi. High-fives were made all around.

 

As Zoicite staggered backwards, Starcat and Leudast both jumped on top of him and proceeded to pummel him into the floor. Kakyuu grinned wickedly and charged at Nyanko.

“Aaaaaahhhhh!!” screamed Nyanko. She turned to run, but Kakyuu landed right on top of her…sending both of them tumbling down a flight of stairs, kicked and trading punches.

 

“All right! Girl fight!” shouted Tomoe.

“Yes!” hissed Jedite, as he started headbanging.

“Kick her @$$!” shouted Michi, “Kick it! Kick it! Kick it!”

 

While Kakyuu and Nyanko tumbled down the stairs, Zoicite was having problems of his own. Starcat was busy whaling on him with kidney-punches while Leudast got up, stepped back, and leapt up into the air, nailing Zoicite with a WWE-style body slam.

 

“YES!!!” shrieked Jedite, “Kick his f%$#ing ass!!!”

“I knew that would happen,” said Setsuna, cryptically.

“Forget about Zoicite,” cried Hotaru, “Hurry up and do that to Chibiusa!”

 

Rolling Zoicite over onto his stomach, Leudast and Starcat pulled out the cufftape, grabbed his arms and legs, and proceeded to start triple-hog-tying him.

“We’ve got one!” cried out Starcat, flashing the V-sign at the camera.

“Hoody-hoo!” added Leudast.

“Yes!!” shouted Morrigan over the radio, “Excellent! That’s 12000 dollars American for the SporeHunters! Now just carry him his drugged carcass down the hall over to room 235, leave him with some of my friends, and we’ll take care of the rest.” The last thing Zoicite heard before passing out was the sound of evil laughter.

 

“YES!!” screamed Jedite again as he started high-fiving everyone in the room, “They finally caught someone!”

“About time,” remarked Michiru, “I was beginning to wonder.”

“So what happens to Zoicite now?” asked Minako.

“Medical experimentation!” exclaimed Tomoe, “I need more test subjects! Muahahahahaha!”

“I hope they douse him with gasoline and light his butt on fire,” remarked Hotaru.

“Well if that Morrigan girl has her way it’ll probably involve something really nasty and ecchi,” said Haruka.

“Or a combination of chicken feathers, cod-liver oil, and a very very depraved walrus,” added Setsuna.

 

Scene switch – the booth were the other SporeHunters were seated with Havoc and some of the Fanboys. The SporeHunters suddenly tensed up as they overheard everything on their radios. Shaldra looked at Solarchos curiously.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“Starcat and Leudast have caught Zoicite!” replied Solarchos.

“We got one!” cried Seiya.

“Kickass!” stated Wolfwood, “Now where’s that f^%$ing horseboy?”

“Your people caught one of the Spores?” asked Minnie-May, “Hey! That’s great! Good job!”

“Ah, so your people have finally captured one of the elusive Spores, have you?” began Havoc, sipping her drink coyly, “The Spores are in my domain and I see no reason why I should give them up. No reason at all.”

“Say what?” demanded Jup.Knight.

“You’re trying to jump our bounty, aren’t you?” snapped Adam. Solarchos sighed.

“We’ll make a deal then,” he stated. Havoc laughed.

“Always straight to business, eh Solarchos?” retorted Havoc, coyly, “Okay, I have something you want. To make a deal you must have something I want, yes? And it so happens there is something I want. Something I’ve wanted ever since we first came here. It is said they cannot be taken, they can only be given.”

“And those might be?” asked Shaldra. Havoc smiled at her directly.

“The panties of Sailor Saturn,” replied Havoc, laughing.

 

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” screamed all of the Suburban Senshi as they burst out into hysterical laughter once again. Hotaru wasn’t laughing. Her face was now bright luminous red and she was making the mother of all face-faults.

“WHAT??!!” she screamed in dismay, “Son of a…!! For the last time I am NOT a f^$%ing sex symbol!!!”

“Yeah!” added Minako, a little miffed, “What’s she got that I don’t have?! They should be worshipping me!” Hotaru just glared back at her.

 

Meanwhile, Wolfwood was fuming and the rest of the SporeHunters didn’t look too pleased as Havoc continued to taunt them.

“I have told you before, there’s no escaping the nature of the ecchiverse,” explained Havoc, “It is that nature that has made you come to me. Where some see coincidence, I see consequence. Where others see chance, I see cost. Bring me the panties of Hotaru Tomoe and I will give you back your bounty. That seems a particularly fair and reasonable deal to me. Yes? No?” Anarchy and Minnie-May just shook their heads in abject disgust.

“I don’t have time for this sh!t,” snapped Wolfwood. Suddenly, he whipped out his Desert Eagle and lunged at Havoc. Havoc stared up in surprise as Wolfwood pressed his gun right into her forehead. Pandemonium deployed her Naughty Tentacles…then froze as Solarchos aimed his rifle at her chest. Demolition quickly pulled out his Sword of Light ( just like Gourry’s ) and prepared to strike at Wolfwood…but froze as Shaldra quickly sprang forward, bared her claws, and placed them firmly against his neck. Seiya aimed his MP5 at Carnage as he began to pull out his katana. Minnie-May started to pull the pin on a grenade, but stopped as Adam leveled his gun at her. Sophia and Sarcasm both froze as Jup.Knight whipped out both of his laser pistols and aimed at both girls. Anarchy stayed right where she was, Chaos had wandered off, and Kintaro and Megumi weren’t going to be able to do much.

“You want to make a deal?” demanded Wolfwood, “How about this? You leave Hotaru Tomoe out of this or we all die right here, right now.” Havoc brow-twitched.

“Interesting deal,” she replied, “You are really ready to get splooted for that girl?” There was a loud click as Wolfwood cocked back the hammer of his gun.

“Believe it,” he stated firmly.

 

“What kind of idiot would waste his time on a runt like Hotaru?,” remarked Jedite.

“Cut with the angst and just shoot someone!” called out Tomoe. Hotaru growled angrily, whipped out her glaive, and smacked Jedite and Tomoe in the heads with the haft of her weapon.

 

“No,” replied Havoc, “Take your best shot.” She smiled eagerly. Without a word, Wolfwood pulled the trigger…

 

P-TOOMPH!!! The sound of Wolfwood’s pistol going off was muffled by the huge volumes of yellowish-white gel which flew in all directions, splattering everyone in the area. Everyone was drenched with dozens of gallons of the stuff…except for Havoc, who was remarkably unharmed. She brushed off the dress she was wearing and poured herself another glass of cherry Coke. Everyone else, Fanboy and SporeHunter alike, stood right where they were, twitching.

“What the f^%# was *that *?!” demanded Solarchos.

“Never try to hurt, smite, or otherwise attempt to kill Havoc,” muttered a very messy Minnie-May Hopkins, “It activates his Cream-Lemon Defensive Field.” Wolfwood just stood there, facefaulting, sweatdropping, and completely saturated with the stuff.

“Cream…lemon?” asked Jup.Knight.

“Is this stuff going to affect how the girls see my pumped-up pecks?” asked Demolition as he ripped off his saturated shirt to show off his chest ( which no one seemed to notice ).

“Oh god!!” cried Seiya, “How am I supposed to wash this stuff out of my hair?!” Solarchos twitched a little as he felt something start lapping at his neck. He looked over to see Shaldra standing right next to him, licking off some of the Cream Lemon on his neck.

“Mmmm! This stuff tastes kinda good!” she exclaimed. Solarchos’ nose started bleeding again as Shaldra continued to lick him clean.

 

“Yes! Yes!” shouted Tomoe, “Be a naughty kitty!”

“Ugh. Lick *this *,” grumbled Jedite as he flipped off the screen, “Hurry up and get back to the fighting.”

 

C-Pov – from the floor up a flight of stairs. Nyanko and Kakyuu were currently tumbling down the stairs, kicking, screaming, and punching each other the whole time. Landing with a huge crash at the bottom, Nyanko landed on top of Kakyuu and got to her feet first. She barely got two steps before Kakyuu sat up and lunged at her, wrapping her arms around the fleeing Animamate’s foot.

“You’re not going anywhere!” shouted Kakyuu. Then she bit Nyanko on the leg.

“MEEOOOOUUCH!!” screamed Nyanko. She fell to the ground, rolled over, and kicked Kakyuu in the face with her other foot.

 

“Yeah! Now *this * is what I’m talking about!” cried Jedite. Everyone cringed as Kakyuu b!^*hslapped Nyanko viciously.

“Nice!” commented Haruka.

“Ouch!” added Minako.

“I’ve gotta admit I do enjoy seeing things like this happen to people like Nyanko,” stated Hotaru. Tomoe, Setsuna, and Artemis just laughed.

 

A little further down the hallway, a young teenaged girl with long dark hair and a gold-colored short-skirted dress peered out from around a corner. Rie of the Gold Delmos immediately caught sight of Kakyuu and Nyanko slugging it out in the hallway.

“Sh!t!!” she shouted into her headset radio, “Bianka! Saniya! Toniya! I’ve spotted one of the Spores! Remove the prisoners!”

Nyanko barely heard Morrigan as she began laughing hysterically.

 

The scene switched, showing the inside of Planet Hentai’s kitchen. Katsumi, Shampoo, Ukyo were busy cooking up stuff for the ravenous crowds of the nightclub, Nuku-Nuku was busying pouncing on a mouse, and Bianka, Saniya, and Toniya, the other three members of the infamous Gold Delmo squad, were pulling Kenji and Ikoku Tsukino a few inches further apart from each other. The bound and gagged father and mother stared nervously at the three girls. All three Delmos smiled wickedly.

“Bianka…” ordered Morrigan over the radio, “Commence.” Bianka smiled even more.

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil men,” she began, walking back and forth a little while Saniya and Toniya walked around to the sides, “Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness! For he is truly his brother’s keeper…and the finder of lost children.” Bianka stopped smiling and glared at Usagi’s parents. “And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger…those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers!”

Kenji and Ikoku started sweat-dropping big-time.

“And you will know my name is the Lord!” shouted Bianka, “WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE ON THEE!” The three Gold Delmos whipped out guns and aimed at Usagi’s terrified parents.

 

C-Pov – the front of the horrified faces of FishEye, Helios, NakoNako, and Chibiusa as they heard everything over the radio. Chibiusa heard the muffled shrieks of Ikoku…which were completely drowned out a moment later by two pistols and a submachine gun being emptied into both of them. Then…silence as the signal was cut off.

“You can thank Tin-Tin for that one, kid!” commented Morrigan, snickering.

“Kupi…” gasped NakoNako.

“Ezekiel 25-17,” whispered Helios in awe, “Now THAT’S some messed-up sh!t!”

“F%$# you, Morrigan!” screamed Chibiusa, “I swear I’m gonna kill your skanky @$$ dead for this!”

“Big words for a pink-haired runt like you,” retorted Morrigan over the radio, “Now hurry up. You’ve got ONE member of your family left. Otherwise, you’re stuck here.”

 

C-Pov – overhead shot of Ikoku and Shinji Tsukino as they laid on their backs, twitching in pain from the dozens of paint-ball bullets which had exploded all over their bodies. Locking the door behind her, Rie joined the rest of the Gold Delmos in downing some Sapuros in celebration of their latest “kill”.

 

The scene switched again, showing the Cream-Lemon-drenched SporeHunters and Fanboys as they tried to clean themselves off…without much luck. Sarcasm snarled angrily as she saw the condition of her long, dark hair.

“Havoc! You jerk!” she snapped, whipping out a huge spatula ( a la Ukyo ) and swung it at Havoc from behind.

“No! Don’t!” screamed Anarchy. SPLOOT!!! Everyone froze as a huge blast of fresh Cream Lemon drenched them all.

“Oh…son of a…” sighed Solarchos.

“Not again…” grumbled Adam.

“Ugh! I think some of that stuff went right inside my ears!” cried Shaldra.

“Do you HAVE to do that?!” demanded Jup.Knight. Havoc, who was still as clean as can be, just smiled.

“Just HOW the hell is she doing that anyway?” demanded Seiya, “Where’s it coming from?”

“Someone asked me that a long time ago,” replied Pandemonium as she scooped out a huge handful of the glop from the inside of her shirt top, “You know what I told them?”

“Don’t ask?” offered Wolfwood. Pandemonium pointed at him and nodded.

“Bingo.” Anarchy stood up, tightly holding on to the side of her chair to avoid slipping.

“Okay, new deal!” she called out, “Since you SporeHunters are on our turf, any Spores you catch here in Planet Hentai we get half of the bounty. Fair enough?"

“Deal,” agreed Solarchos. Before anyone could do anything else, the music downstairs died.

 

“CHIBIUSA TSUKINO!!!” screamed a voice from the main entrance, speaking in perfect Japanese ( which was subtitled for the viewing audience in the Senshi den ), “YOU AND I HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS!!!” The camera focused in on Lord Chaos, who was standing near the doorway with a bloody nose, a frilly fuku, and a nervous expression. Standing behind him, holding a large, broad-bladed sword was…

 

“Holy crap! It’s Uma Thurman from “Kill Bill”!” exclaimed Minako.

“Uh…no…it’s…” began Michiru as the camera angle turned slightly. Then they all groaned.

“It’s Excel again,” grumbled Haruka, “Sh!t.”

“Not Excel!” cried Setsuna, “Son of a b!^*h I hate her!” Jedite smirked.

“Funny, I thought you would’ve known she’d be popping up again,” he remarked sarcastically. Setsuna flipped him off.

 

With a loud giggle, Excel pulled her sword and swung it as hard as she could, its blade biting deeply into…

…Chaos’ right buttcheek.

“KYAAAAAAAAA!!!” screamed Chaos as he immediately fell to the floor, writhing and kicking, instantly going into super-deformed big-head mode in his agony, “JO’O-SAMAAAAA!!! JO’O-SAAAAMAAAAAA!!! JO’O-SAAAMAAAAAAA!!!”

“Oh my goddess!!” cried Shaldra, cringing a little.

“Ah, no big loss,” said Carnage, “Chaos gets smited like that at least two or three times a day. He’ll be fine.”

Excel stepped over the freaking-out Chaos and slowly made her way into Planet Hentai, her sword held before her, stained in Fanboy blood ( although it’s been debated whether Chaos’ blood really counts as such ).

“What is that sword she’s got?” asked Sophitia, “Is that a Hatori Hanzo blade?”

“No, it’s a Baka Yoshi knock-off,” replied Adam. Just then, things got even weirder.

 

C-Pov – the feet of a man quickly running through the halls. Suddenly, a tall, bald Japanese man wearing a black suit, a Kato mask, and carrying a long staff burst through one of the doors. The camera did an immediate extreme close-up of his face. Johnny Go kiaied loudly. Moments later dozens of men ( and a few women ) dressed in black suits and Kato masks, nearly all of them armed with katanas, began rushing into Planet Hentai. They poured through the front doors, the side doors, the bathrooms ( both men’s AND women’s ), and several rappelled down from the ceiling through the skylights. The SporeHunters and Fanboys all brow-twitched.

 

“What?!” exclaimed Hotaru, “The Crazy 88’s are in this, too?!”

“Oh hell yes!” cried Haruka.

“The gratuitous hackfest will now begin!” added Jedite.

“So who are these Lazy 88 guys, anyway?” asked Minako, “I don’t think I’ve seen “Fill Bill”.”

“That’s CRAZY 88’s,” corrected Artemis.

“And the movie’s called “KILL Bill” not “FILL Bill”,” retorted Haruka, “Don’t ever confuse Quentin Tarantino’s great masterpiece with that f^%$ed-up porn flick that the Spore subjected us to that one time!”

“As for the Crazy 88’s,” added Tomoe, “They’re soon going to be dead meat!”

 

The scene switched, showing Chibiusa, Helios, FishEye, and NakoNako running through the halls. Suddenly, they went around a corner…and stopped dead in their tracks. Standing at the other end of the passage were a group of Crazy 88’s. Screaming like lunatics, the 88’s unsheathed their swords, threw the scabbards aside, and charged.

“Come on, you f^#%s!!” screamed back Chibiusa as she pulled out a crowbar, “We’ll take you all on! Come on! Lets…!” She turned around to see NakoNako, Helios, and FishEye running for their lives. “Oh! You backstabbing cockbites!” Chibiusa barely avoided getting hacked by a katana and ran like hell.

 

With a maniacal scream, Excel began swinging at everything around her, hitting one of the Crazy 88’s and lopping his head off. As the decapitated 88 staggered around for a few seconds, spewing blood from his neck like a geyser, Havoc watched all of this and brow-twitched angrily.

“Rip those bastards apart!!” she screamed.

“Let the Happy Hour @$$kicking begin!!” shouted Anarchy, gleefully. Demolition, Carnage, and Sarcasm pulled out their weapons, and Pandemonium grinned wickedly as she extended her tentacles again.

“Dinner is served!” she hissed.

“That does it!” shouted Morrigan over the radio, “SporeHunters, I have officially had enough of that brain-dead loon! Excel is now one of your targets. $12000 dollars alive…$24000 dollars DEAD! Oh…and $200 dollars for every dead Crazy 88 and Puchuu, too.”

“HOODY-HOO!!!” shrieked the SporeHunters as they finished cleaning off their guns and began shooting.

 

“Oh f#%$ yeah!!” screamed Haruka, “Now Excel’s being hunted, too!”

“Kill her!” shouted Michiru, “Kill her stupid @$$ dead!”

“Yakuza hunting season is now open!” called out Jedite.

“I want a hunting licence!” cried Tomoe, “I want to join in!”

“You and me both,” added Setsuna, smiling eagerly as the carnage began.

 

Guns began blazing, the background music ( “N.W.O.” by Ministry ) began playing, Excel continued hacking, and Crazy 88’s and Puchuus began dropping like flies as SporeHunter, Fanboy, Black Delmo, and even the customers of Planet Hentai began to pummel the living tar out of them. Puchuu’s were scrambling around all over the place and getting mowed down. Johnny Go was taken out of the fight early as a live octopus was hurled right at his face with pin-point accuracy. The camera kept snapping back and forth, showing all kinds of scenes of the carnage.

Solarchos took aim and fired…the camera showing a slow-motion shot of the rocket firing from his rifle, sailing through the air, striking a Crazy 88, then the microrocket exploded, blowing a wide, bloody hole clear through him. The blood spray was abundant to say the least.

 

“DAMN!!!” screamed the Suburban Senshi.

“Awesome!” shouted Haruka, headbanging.

 

Shaldra grabbed Solarchos’ Predator pistol and joined Wolfwood, Jup.Knight, Seiya, and Adam in blasting away at the Crazy 88’s. Yakuza began to fall, flailing around wildly as blood squirted out of the bullet-wounds. Puchuu’s were getting blown away as well, with purple blood splattering and freakishly ugly faces everywhere.

One of the Crazy 88’s began freaking out as a Covenant plasma grenade latched onto the crotch of his pants. Dropping his sword, he danced around for a second or so, desperately trying to knock the thing off…then it exploded, sending his screaming flaming carcass smashing into the ceiling twenty feet overhead. The camera swung around to show Minnie-May Hopkins smiling happily and flashing the V-sign.

 

“Hey! I’m calling foul!” cried Michiru, “I thought Starcat was supposed to be the official supplier of Covenant plasma grenades!”

“Who cares!!” shouted Jedite, “OH MY GODDESS!! That Anarchy girl just ripped that 88’s head off!”

“Sh!t! Somebody set a Puchuu on fire!” exclaimed Haruka, “Burn, baby, burn!”

“Whoa!” shouted Minako, “Lina Inverse just kicked that Crazy 88 in the crotch just like he was Gourry!”

“Excel’s kicking as much ass as the Bride!” cried Tomoe, “Look at those guys squirt! It’s beautiful! It’s just so beautiful!” Meanwhile, Hotaru grabbed her mouth and made a mad dash for the sink again, vomiting in disgust…again.

“Those poor, poor Puchuus…” she groaned.

“Is anyone keeping score?” asked Artemis.

“Sporehunters : 48…Fanboys : 55…Excel : 20,” stated Rei.bot, “Puchuus and Crazy 88’s : zero

 

“Haaaiiiiiiil Ilpalazzo!!” screamed Excel as she swung around in a wide arc, missing a couple of Crazy 88’s and butchering a Puchuu instead, its cute face instantly switching into that hideous Nixonesque-expression of theirs. “Your faithful Excel has come to claim this den of filth, indiscretion, and ecchiness in the name of you! Smash the enemy…!”

Freeze frame of Excel skewering a Crazy 88 through his guts. The blood spray was awesome.

“Smite the foe…!!” Another freeze frame, this time showing Excel chopping a Crazy 88 in half, splitting him like a piece of wood on a chopping block.

“For Ilpalazzo I bring death!!” Another freeze frame showed Excel ripping a Puchuu in half like a telephone book with her bare hands. Laughing maniacally, Excel spun around to face her next victim. Instead, she spun around to face Wolfwood.

Wolfwood smacked Excel in the face with his tonfa, smashing into her nose with a loud crack that was easily heard above the noise of battle.

“Ow!” whined Excel, “That hit my nose!” She fell to her knees as Wolfwood whacked her again in the head, following up with a third whack. Excel looked up at him…just in time to see him nail her in the face one more time. “Ouch!” cried Excel, “You know that really hurts?!” Wolfwood then began kicking the hell out of her.

“Hi! ( Whack! ) How ya doing?! ( Whack! ) Enjoying it?! ( Whack! ) I hope so! (Whack! )” he yelled as he kicked her over and over again in the ribs. Excel sprawled to the ground.

“Ow…” she groaned. Wolfwood pulled out his gun and took aim at Excel’s head…

 

“YES!” shrieked Michiru, “Put a cap in her @$$! Ohohohohohoho!!”

“Droppin’ plates on yo @$$, beee-otch!!” added Tomoe.

 

The scene switched, showing Kakyuu and Nyanko in the middle of a vicious catfight. Nyanko pimp-smacked Kakyuu, who retaliated by kicking Nyanko three times in the guts, followed closely by a Mike Tyson-power punch that sent her flying backwards through a door. The door broke off its hinges, and Kakyuu and Nyanko fell into the auditorium beyond. Tied to a chair up on the stage was Mamoru…with Saber Marionettes all around.

“Hey!” cried Lime, “It’s one of them Spores!”

“Really?” replied Bloodberry, “Where’s that Chibiusa b!^*h?! I wanna rip her f&%#ing head off!”

“Forget her for now!” cried Tiger, “Finish off Mamo-dork!”

“YEAH!!!” screamed Fiore, waving a lit cigarette lighter back and forth, “Start the show! Start the show!”

 

“YES!!!” screamed Jedite, “Cape-Boy’s about to get fragged!”

“Too bad he won’t actually be killed,” replied Tomoe, “But the emotional scars will probably last a lifetime!”

 

Nyanko leapt to her feet and ran down the aisle, screaming.

“Get this psychotic b!^*h offa me!!” she wailed. Kakyuu staggered to her feet, pulled out her rifle, and started shooting.

“Release the Hentai Fiends!” cried Cherry. Lime quickly skipped over to a lever set in the wall. Just then, Nyanko stumbled, barely evading the shots Kakyuu were aiming at her…and struck some arcane machinery sitting behind the curtain…which immediately began to short out.

“Oops?” offered Kakyuu. Meanwhile, the Saber Marionettes all stared in horror at the damaged machine and slowly began backing away.

“Oh sh!t!” gasped Lynx.

“This is NOT good!” added Baikou. The machine began to vibrate, making evil-sounding groans as pressure began to build up inside it.

“You idiot!” shrieked Bloodberry, grabbing Kakyuu by the collar, “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?!”

“Hey! I said oops, didn’t I?” retorted Kakyuu, “What’s the big deal?”

“The Hentai Containment Unit’s failing!” screamed Panther, “RUN!!!” The Saber Marionettes all turned and ran screaming for the door, nearly trampling Kakyuu in their mad dash to escape. Nyanko, however, was busy untying Mamoru.

“Thank you!” cried Mamoru as Nyanko removed his gag, “They were going to do horrible things to my body!”

“Just shut the f%$# up and run!” snapped Nyanko as she began untying his hands. Suddenly, one of the other doors burst open as the rest of the Spores rushed inside.

“Mamo-chan!!!” squealed Chibiusa…and FishEye. Helios and Nako-Nako just sweatdropped. Suddenly, a rather disheveled Kakyuu ( complete with a footprint on her face ) popped up from behind some chairs. Snickering wickedly, she took aim with her sniper rifle.

 

“Yes! Yes! Aim for the Spore!” cried Haruka.

“Kill her! Kill her!” chanted Jedite, “Put one through her head!” Hotaru just cackled.

 

Everyone inside the auditorium was knocked to the ground ( except Fiore, who was eagerly watching everything and munching on popcorn ) by a large explosion. Kakyuu, Mamoru, and the Spores all looked up…and sweatdropped big-time. Floating near the ceiling were dozens of creatures which looked like the squid-like Sentinel robots from “The Matrix”…only they were smaller, fully organic instead of metallic, and had the most perverted gleams in their numerous eyes. Mamoru screamed like a little girl as the things dived at them all.

 

“All right!” shrieked Tomoe, “Hentai Fiends!”

“Tentacle-rapes for everybody!” cried Artemis.

“Uhhh…I don’t think the upcoming scene is going to be suitable for young children,” commented Setsuna.

 

Starcat and Leudast skidded to a halt and broke out into huge, delighted smiles as they entered the main area of Planet Hentai. The fight was still in full swing. The camera swung around, first focusing on the cast of Slayers as they mosh-pitted the HELL out of some Puchuus, then the C-Pov showed Barret Wallace and Cloud Strife chucking a few Crazy 88’s into the Naughty Tentacle Obstacle Course, then a cameo appearance by Ozzy Osbourne as he bit the head off a Puchuu. Up on stage, preparing to sing, were Kobyashi Excel and Mikago Hyatt.

“Sore wa ai ja naiiiiiiii…!” they sang, “Ai wa sore ja naiiiiiii…!”

 

Meanwhile, most of the Suburban Senshi were facefaulting.

“Ozzy!!” screamed Tomoe, “Maybe he’ll bite Chibiusa’s head off next!”

“OMG! That’s disgusting!” cried Hotaru, cringing at the sight.

“They’re singing the “Excel Saga” theme song?!” retorted Artemis, staring at Mikago and Kobyashi, “In the middle of all THAT?!”

“That entire place must be high on crack or something,” stated Michiru.

 

Just as Starcat and Leudast were about to happily join the carnage…the Saber Marionettes all ran by, shrieking in terror as they all dashed for the door, knocking aside anyone who got in their way. A moment later Mamoru ran by, still screaming like a little girl…and missing his pants.

“Cape-Boy’s mooning us!” shouted someone. Quite a few people immediately got sick at the sight. It only got worse when Chibiusa flew at Mamoru like a pink cruise missile and latched onto his legs.

“Mamo-chan!” she squealed happily, “Take me! Take me!” People immediately began throwing up.

 

“Oh sweet god!” screamed Hotaru, “Shame on you Morrigan Aensland! Have you no sense of *decency *?!!”

 

The rest of the Spores ran screaming into the room, closely followed by an equally scared Kakyuu.

“They’re coming!” screamed Nyanko, “They’re coming for us all!”

“What the hell are you talking about, Kakyuu?!” screamed Wolfwood, who was just about to blow Excel’s head off. A rumble ran through the floor, then the doors that the Spores and Kakyuu had come through were ripped out of the wall by the horde of Hentai Fiends. Shrieks of terror filled the air as the Hentai Fiends attacked. ( New background music : the “Battle of Zion” theme from the “Matrix – Revolutions” movie. )

 

Haruka, Tomoe, and Jedite all stared at each other for a moment, then began headbanging wildly as the carnage got taken to a whole new level.

“Holy sh!t!” cried Artemis “This is BRUTAL!!” Everyone cringed as the Hentai Fiends started snatching people, entangling them with their tentacles, and proceeded to…well…use your imaginations.

“Six of those things just tackled Urd!!” cried Minako.

“Yeah. Who didn’t see that one coming?” added Hotaru, “Hey! No fair! Urd’s enjoying it!”

“Whoa!” exclaimed Michiru, “They just brought down that Pandemonium-gal…but are they tentacle-raping HER or is she tentacle-raping THEM?”

“Those Crazy 88’s are getting annihilated!” commented Setsuna.

“Those Hentai Demons…always get their foes in the…end no matter what,” intoned Rei.bot with a smirk.

 

Planet Hentai was filled with the sounds of massive gunfire, screams, and the lewd giggling of the Hentai Fiends. The SporeHunters were blasting away at the Fiends, but for every one they brought down, another seemed to replace it.

“Oh my goddess!” cried Seiya as she emptied her MP-5’s last clip into a Fiend, then switched over to her Desert Eagle, “They’ve everywhere! Game over, man! Game over!”

“Shut up and keep shooting!” snarled back Solarchos as he fired a burst from his MA-5B and reloaded.

“Those things just got C-Ko!!” shouted Adam as he reloaded his pistol, “Oh crap…they just got B-Ko, too!”

“And there goes A-Ko!!” added Leudast as he blew a hole through a Hentai Fiend with his shotgun, “This doesn’t look too good!”

“Look! It’s the Spores!” shouted Jup.Knight. He and Wolfwood immediately began shooting at Chibiusa and Nako-Nako, but accidentally shot a Fiend instead, bringing it down. Mamoru was trying to run for his life, but Chibiusa and FishEye had both latched onto him.

“Mamo-chan!! Where are you going?!” asked both Chibiusa and FishEye simultaneously. Mamoru was just screaming in pure terror, his mind overwhelmed by the horrors he was witnessing. Nako-Nako was desperately trying to avoid the bullets and lecherous tentacles flying all over the place. Excel was slowly getting to her feet while Nyanko and Helios were looking for a place to hide. Everywhere they looked it was pure madness.

 

The music stopped as Mikago looked behind her, sweatdropped, then tapped on Kobyashi’s shoulder. Kobyashi turned around slowly…then both of the Excel-Girls were snatched by the Hentai Fiends.

“Ahhhhh! Tentacle-monsters!” cried Mikago Hyatt.

“We’re caught!” screamed Kobyashi Excel.

“And scared!!” added Mikago.

“And turned on!” concluded Kobyashi. Then the Hentai Fiends *really * went to town on them.

 

Excel began freaking out as slippery, wriggling tentacles wrapped around her arms, legs, and waist from behind and hoisted her up into the air.

“What?!” screamed Excel, “Let go of me, you sick, twisted, perverted defilers of pure young virgins!! I am the sole property of Lord Ilpalazzo and I would never allow myself to be violated in such crude sadistic manner!! Excel will resist you with every ounce of strength, every spark of intelligence, every rule of law, every drop of blood! You’ll never take me! Never! Never! Never! ( SHOOMP!!! ) Yes! Yes! A little harder please…!!”

 

Nyanko watched in horror as a Field snagged Kaiba Seto from behind and proceeded to make him “squeal like a pig.” Helios watched, drooling, as Lina Inverse was taken down and enjoyed every second of watching the fiery-tempered red-head get pinned, felt up by tentacles moving underneath her clothes, and then…

…Helios froze as he felt tentacles wrap around HIM.

“What?! Wait!! No!!” screamed Helios as his arms and legs were pulled away from his body, and he felt the distinct sensation of a wet, gooey tentacle slithering its way up his pants. “No! You’re supposed to be going for schoolgirls!! Nyanko!!”

“Screw you, pal!” shouted back Nyanko as she ran off, “I don’t wanna be tentacle-raped!”

“No! No!” shrieked Helios, the camera zooming in on his panicked expression, and then…

SHOOMP!!! Helios burst out into loud Usagi-like wails.

 

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” The Suburban Senshi all fell to the floor in hysterical laughter.

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” shrieked Hotaru, tears streaming from her eyes, “That is SO priceless!”

“Yaoi-boy! Yaoi-boy!” chanted Setsuna and Michiru.

 

The SporeHunters watched helplessly as Kinome was tackled by a Fiend and yanked off-camera.

“Damn,” commented Jup.Knight as he reloaded his laser rifle, “InuYasha’s gonna be PISSED now!”

“Who cares?! We’re next!” cried Seiya as she fired off the last shots in her Desert Eagle and switched to her .45.

“Shut up, you freak!” snapped Wolfwood. He turned slightly and joined Leudast and Adam in concentrating their fire and blowing away a Hentai Fiend diving towards them. Shaldra gulped nervously as the gun she took from Solarchos stopped firing.

“I’m outta shots!” she called out.

“I’m running low, too!” added Adam as he reloaded his pistol with its last clip.

“We’re all gonna get violated!!” screamed Seiya, “I’m too pretty to be tentacle-raped!!”

“Shut up!” yelled Kakyuu and Starcat. Starcat tossed another plasma grenade, hitting yet another Hentai Fiend. The Fiend started thrashing around wildly, dove upwards, then exploded, showering the whole area with Hentai-bits and dozens of gallons of Cream-Lemon.

“Cream-Lemon?!” demanded Leudast, “What the f%$#?!”

“Havoc must’ve been in the blast radius!” replied Shaldra. She looked up at the balcony overhead to see the Hentenno himself ( or rather, herself ) standing atop the railing, laughing maniacally.

“Yes! Yes!” she screamed at the top of her lungs as Hentai Fiends circled around her, “Go my pretties! Go and perv the planet! This is my world! MY WORLD!!! Muahahahahahahahaha!!” Sweatdropping a little, Wolfwood grabbed a plasma grenade off of Starcat, armed it, and threw it at Havoc, latching it onto the Uber-Perv’s thigh.

KA-SPLOOT!!! Cream-Lemon drenched the walls, ceiling, floor, and everything else in the area as the plasma grenade detonated.

“Nice going, Wolfwood…” grumbled Kakyuu, who was now liberally splatted with the stuff.

“Hey, where’s Solarchos?” cried Shaldra. Everyone looked around, then they saw him. He was running across the dance floor towards the main entrance, shooting a few Hentai Fiends that angled towards him and gunning down a few more that had helpless anime-girls pinned ( he deliberately ignored the one “defiling” Helios ). He then got the hell out of Planet Hentai.

“That jerk!” shouted Seiya, “He’s abandoned us all!”

“I think he’s got the right idea!” called out Wolfwood, “I’m down to one more clip for my Eagle!”

“Crap!” screamed Kakyuu as she struggled with her rifle, “I think I’m jammed!” Suddenly, a tentacle lashed forward and wrapped around Starcat’s leg.

“Yow! Get offa me!” shouted Starcat. Shaldra lunged at the tentacle, extending her claws.

“Leave her alone, ya freak!” shrieked Shaldra as she started slashing at the thing. The Hentai Fiend looked at her…then tossed Starcat aside and dove at her instead.

“What?!” cried Adam, “It’s going after Shaldra!”

“Of course!” snapped Leudast, “She’s a catgirl in a school uniform!” Seiya, Wolfwood, and Leudast all turned to face Shaldra’s attacker. Shaldra, meanwhile, facefaulted big-time as she was quickly immobilized by the Fiend’s tentacles.

“Aw, crap…THIS IS GONNA SUCK!!!” she wailed.

 

Starcat hit the ground, sliding several feet across the Cream-Lemon smeared floor. Her shotgun flew out of her hands and landed…right next to Chibiusa. Starcat sat up and looked around. FishEye was currently busy having Mamoru give him a horse-back ride, Nyanko had been backed into a corner by a pair of Fiends, Helios was in the middle of a serious tentacle-raping…and Chibiusa was pointing the shotgun right at her face.

“Word up, b!^*h,” snarled Chibiusa, smiling evilly. She suddenly looked over at the main doors of the place as she heard the unmistakable sounds of an engine revving.

 

C-Pov – the doors leading out of Planet Hentai. Suddenly, the doors were blasted apart as an M12 Warthog drove straight through them, running over numerous display cases containing Havoc’s hentai memorabilia in the process. Behind the wheel was none other than Solarchos. Grinning wickedly, he drove the Warthog down the stairs, turning slightly to run over the Fiend tentacle-raping Shampoo and Ukyo, and skidded to a halt. Starcat quickly took advantage of the distraction to punch Chibiusa in the face, spin her around, and kick her squarely in the ass.

 

“Yeah!” cheered Haruka, “Kick her ass! Kick her ass good!”

 

Standing up and leaning over the windshield, Solarchos brought up his microrocket rifle, took aim through the scope, and fired. The C-Pov showed both microrockets shoot across the nightclub and slam directly into the Hentai Fiend attacking Shaldra. The Fiend stiffened, thrashed a little as the gyroslugs exploded inside its body, and flopped over.

“Scragged your @$$!” hissed Solarchos, triumphantly.

“Yay!” cried Shaldra, “You saved me again! My hero!”

“Holy crap!” called out Rally Vincent, “Is that a sniper-variant Mark-3 Godwyn-pattern Boltgun? Tell me…you didn’t get that on *this * planet, did you?”

“Starcat!” shouted Solarchos as he kept on shooting at the Fiends, “Get on the chaingun!” Starcat quickly scrambled up the stairs and leapt into the back of the Warthog. Cackling maniacally, she began blasting away at the Fiends with a non-stop stream of 20mm caseless bullets at 1200 rpm. The new background music kicked in – “Brothers in Arms” from the Halo soundtrack ( also known as the cool “escape pod falling to Halo” scene-music ). The rest of the Sporehunters quickly joined in and, in less than a minute, ALL of the Hentai Fiends were blown away. The last one fell at the edge of the Jell-O fighting pit. Twitching weakly, bleeding from dozens of wounds, it reached out with its tentacles to gently caress Shaldra’s tail.

“SON OF A B!^*H!!” she screamed. From behind her back she whipped out a large chainsaw, revved it up, and proceeded to messily butcher the stricken Hentai Fiend.

 

“Whoa! That’s one pissed-off cat-girl!” exclaimed Hotaru.

“Kowaii!” cried Minako.

“Ain’t it great?!” said Tomoe.

“Yeah! She’s hacking that thing up like Freddy Kruger!” added Jedite, “It’s awesome! Go, kitty, go!”

 

Chibiusa cautiously looked around. The slaughtered Fiends were all over the place, people were slowly staggering to their feet…and the way out of Planet Hentai was less than twenty feet away.

“All right,” stated Morrigan over the radio, “You’ve managed to rescue ONE person…I guess you’re free to go. Now, get to Excel and bring he with you. She’s one of you, now. Get her and get your loser @$$ to Galaxy TV. That’s your next target.”

“What?!” demanded Nyanko, “We gotta work with Excel now? This sucks!”

“Shut the f%#$ up and do it!” hissed Chibiusa. FishEye was busy glomping Mamoru, Nako-Nako was cowering near the stairs, Excel was currently trying to get to get feet…and falling over every time, and Helios was on the floor, curled up in a fetal position, sobbing.

“I am not yaoi…I am not yaoi…I am not yaoi…” he kept whimpering over and over again.

“Hurry!” ordered Chibiusa, “We gotta get outta here before the Sporehunters see us!” Chibiusa grabbed the shotgun off the floor, FishEye grabbed Mamoru, Nako-Nako grabbed her hat ( which was saturated with Cream-Lemon ), and Nyanko pulled Helios to his feet…and well as pulled out the severed tentacle that was dangling out of a big hole in the seat of his pants.

“I am not yaoi!!” he exclaimed to Nyanko.

“I don’t care!” retorted Nyanko, “Just go! You, too, Excel!”

“Excel feels very, very sore,” moaned Excel, “As well as “not-so-fresh”…” Nyanko quickly grabbed her off the floor and began dragging her out towards the door.

 

“Dude!” cried Wolfwood, “We thought you’d ditched us!” Solarchos smiled a bit as he and Starcat quickly came over.

“The situation was getting pretty bad,” he explained, “So I decided to get some additional firepower. I figured a Warthog was just what we needed.”

“Nice!” commented Jup.Knight. Starcat just grinned insanely, still high from getting to use the chaingun.

“You saved me from getting tentacle-raped!” cried Shaldra, rushing over, “You rule!” Solarchos was knocked to the ground as the cat-girl leapt at him and proceeded to power-glomp him. Kakyuu just laughed.

“At least I didn’t get tentacle-raped,” sighed Seiya, “Something like that would destroy my career!”

“You don’t have a career,” retorted Leudast, “You retired, didn’t you?”

“I could always make a comeback, you know!” replied Seiya.

Meanwhile, unnoticed by everyone else, the Spores were slowly and carefully making their way up the stairs towards the exit. A moment later Adam glanced over his shoulder and saw them.

“Hey!” he cried out, pointing, “There they go!”

“F^%#!!!” screamed the Spores. They immediately ran towards the exit.

“After ‘em!” shouted Jup.Knight, “Finish ‘em off!”

“Nyanko’s mine!” screamed Kakyuu.

“Hold it!” called out another voice. The SporeHunters turned around to see the Fanboys staggering up to them. Anarchy and Pandemonium were missing most of their clothes, and what little they had left was dripping with Hentai Fiend slime. Demolition, Sarcasm, and Carnage were covered with the blood of Puchuu’s and Crazy 88’s, Chaos looked like hell…especially since he’d been “targeted” by a Fiend easy-on, and Havoc was brow-twitching angrily as she surveyed the damage done to Planet Hentai.

“Well, *this * is a fine state of affairs,” grumbled Sarcasm.

“Hurting…stop…when?” whimpered Chaos.

“You know, I’d normally be in a really good mood after something like this except somebody blew up the bar with a plasma grenade,” growled Anarchy, “Somebody *killed * my sake! I may cry!”

“In the middle of all the confusion NO ONE noticed my beautiful, buffed body!” cried Demolition, “I’m insulted!”

“What the hell do you want from us?!” demanded Solarchos, “You got half of Zoicite’s bounty plus an even-split of the Puchuu and Crazy-88 bounties. That’s…what? About $15000 dollars for both our sides!”

“Planet Hentai’s a mess!” screamed Havoc, momentarily going to super-deformed mode, “It’ll be HOURS before I can reopen the place…!”

“Uh…just hours?” remarked Shaldra, brow-twitching a little. Havoc continued.

“I demand compensation for my pain and suffering!!” screamed the Hentenno.

“What pain and suffering?!” demanded Wolfwood, “Every time YOU got hit you did that “lemon thing” and splattered everyone with that lemon-flavored Jell-O pudding sh!t!”

“Hey! There’s ALWAYS room for Jell-O!” retorted Havoc. Meanwhile, Solarchos just sighed and tossed Havoc a set of keys. They were the ignition keys to the Warthog he’d driven into Planet Hentai.

“There,” he told the Fanboys, “I’ll even arrange for you guys to get a full reload of chaingun ammo. Deal?” The Fanboys stared at the keys, then stared at the Warthog parked near the middle of the dance floor, the lights bathing it with an almost heavenly glow.

“DEAL!!!” screamed the Fanboys eagerly. They immediately rushed over and began dancing around their new vehicle. As the did that, the Sporehunters began running towards the door.

“Let’s finish those b@$^ards off!” stated Solarchos.

“Count me in on that!” added Shaldra.

“Some pink spore is gonna DIE tonight!” snarled Kakyuu.

“Don’t forget,” called out Wolfwood, “Horse-boy is all mine!”

“Deal,” replied Solarchos as they all dashed through the door. The scene went black.

 

Intermission – Sporehunt will resume in 5 Minutes

 

“Dammit!” shouted Haruka, “Why’s it keep doing this intermission sh!t?! We can always just hit “Pause” or something!”

“Who cares,” retorted Michiru, “I’ve gotta go to the bathroom.”

“I’m not surprised,” said Jedite, “You’ve been downing more beers than Haruka. I’m astonished.”

“Well, I think you’ve gotta be drunk to be watching this insanity,” replied Michiru.

“All of a sudden I’ve got this strange craving for Jell-O,” admitted Setsuna.

“Me, too,” added Hotaru. All of a sudden Tomoe leapt to his feet and dashed upstairs, giggling in the most perverted way.

“Panties!!” he squealed, “I must have panties!!”

“The hell?!” cried Minako.

“Crap! I think the Uber-Perv has infected his mind!” said Artemis, “Planet Hentai must’ve warped his fragile mind!”

“Uhh…cat, that guy’s mind was already warped beyond human comprehension long before we ever started watching this,” explained Jedite. Suddenly, Tomoe rushed back through the room, brushing past Setsuna and running back upstairs, still giggling.

“What the…?!” cried Setsuna, “That pervert stole my panties!!! That b@$^ard’s dead now!” Whipping out the Garnet Staff ( or BAK, as some people call it ) Setsuna took off after Professor Tomoe…and her panties. Rei.bot sighed.

“The insanity continues…” she intoned.

 

 

End of Part Six.

 

Will the Spores make it to Galaxy TV? Michiru : “I hope not.”

Will Mamoru escape from the clutches of FishEye? Setsuna : “Save him!!!”

What fate awaits Zoicite? Jedite : “Heh! Hopefully something involving his internal organs, some fava beans, and a nice Chiante!”

Is there any hope for Chibiusa and her friends? Hotaru : “Kill them! Kill them all! Let Fek’lahr sort them out! Muahahahahaha!! ( thwap! ) Ow…”

 

Find out in the next episode of Suburban Senshi : Sporehunt!

 

 

 

 

 


Episode 7

T & M Productions

T & M Productions, in association with Xadium Studios

And the Suburban Senshi Signal Corps

Shamelessly Presents

 

Suburban Senshi : Sporehunt

Episode 7 : Chibiusa Overdrive

 

Usual legal crap : The following story and its sequels are works of pure parody and fiction and do not represent actual views, attitudes, and feelings. Except in regard to Chibiusa Tsukino who needs to be summarily executed. Just about all of the characters portrayed in this are pretty much the property of someone else. They know who they are. I’m not stealing them; I’m just borrowing them for a little bit. Imitation and imagination are the sincerest forms of flattery.

 

“Muahahahahahahaha!!!” laughed the Professor as he dashed through the living room, closely pursued by both Setsuna and Minako, who were both intent on taking back the panties that had stolen from them.

“Give me back my panties!!” shouted Setsuna as she swung at Tomoe’s head with her staff. Minako lunged at Tomoe and snatched her panties out of his grip.

“No!” warbled Tomoe, engaging Minako in a tug of war, “My precious!” rei.bot immediately leaned forward and thwapped Tomoe across the head twice with a harisen.

“Behave,” she intoned.

“Sit down and shut up!” shouted Haruka, “It’s about to restart!” Setsuna snatched back her panties, quickly put them back on, and sat down as the DVD movie finished its intermission and continued. Hotaru just cackled.

“Squeeeeeeee!!” she cried.

 

Scene – the outside of Planet Hentai. A tentacle fiend lay twitching and dying on the sidewalk as dozens of curious schoolboys and girls surrounded it. One enterprising guy was poking it with a stick. Suddenly, the camera panned down to show the smiling face of Sailor Iron Mouse in her usual pinstripe suit, dark glasses, and fedora.

“This is Nezu Chuuko of the Galaxy News Network and I’m here live at Planet Hentai, covering the hottest thing to hit Tokyo since Godzilla slam-danced the Tokyo Tower last week…the Sporehunt!” Iron Mouse turned slightly and the camera followed, showing another person standing next to her. The girl was lean, slenderly-built, and looked a little bit like Sailor Mars except that she had brown eyes and long brown hair. She wore a blue and white fuku with laced-up knee-high boots, and had wolf-like ears and a tail. “I’m here with the renegade Senshi known as Yinggirl who is, surprisingly, one of the few people actually protesting Sporehunt!” Yinggirl was holding a sign that had written on it “Stop the Sporehunt” in bold black letters.

“I just want those Sporehunters to lay off,” explained Yinggirl, “I don’t care as much about the pink rabbit as I do about Helios.”

“The horse-boy?” asked Iron Mouse, “I don’t think I understand.”

“My powers are derived from the Phoenix Crystal,” continued Yinggirl, “Which is related to the Dream Crystal that Helios gets his powers from. He and I are technically related. Because of that, and a decree by Neo-Queen Serenity, any damage or pain that *he * feels…*I * feel! If he dies, I die as well! I mean, for crying out loud, I have no idea what’s going on in this dang Sporehunt…I wasn’t invited…” Suddenly, a couple of bats suddenly fluttered up behind Yinggirl, holding a sign between them that read “Big, fat liar.” “…All I do know is that since the Sporehunt began I’m now covered with bruises, cuts, sprains, and my butt now hurts so badly I don’t think I’ll be able to sit down for a week!”

Meanwhile, the bats fluttered up again, this time holding a sign that read “Free hot dog-girl lovin’!”

 

“So that means she felt Helios getting tentacle-raped?” began Michiru, “Oooo, that had to seriously suck.”

“Dude, what’s up with those bats?” asked Haruka.

“Maybe they’re Morrigan’s?” offered Artemis.

“That could be,” admitted Minako, “It’d be just like that succubus to be the french-fry in the ointment.”

“Fly in the ointment!” shouted Hotaru, “Get a dictionary! Jeepers!” Jedite suddenly perked up a little and pointed at the TV.

“There they are!” he exclaimed. Sure enough, Chibiusa and the rest of the Spores were dashing down the stairs. The scene switched over to the Spores.

 

“Let me go! Let me go!” shouted Excel, “You cannot kidnap a pretty-pretty, young girl like Excel without invoking the eternal hatred and wrath of Lord Ilpalazzo! You cannot break me! You cannot use me! You cannot strip me nekkid and abuse my ripe, young womanly body for your sick ecchi-ecchi amusement! Not unless your name is Lord Ilpalazzo! Haaaaiiiiil…!”

“Aw, shut up!” cried Nyanko, smacking her upside the head, “You’re giving me a headache with all that yelling!”

“I am not yaoi…” whimpered Helios, “I am not yaoi…”

“Kupi?” offered Nako-Nako, pointing at the Warthog parked across the street.

“Hey! Great idea!” replied Fish-Eye as he kept Mamoru in a tight head-lock, “Let’s grab one of their vehicles and just drive the heck outta this lousy fic! No one will be able to stop us!” Fish-Eye suddenly shuddered and yelped as Morrigan gave him a brief electrical jolt through his collar. Mamoru just whimpered weakly, his face red from the pressure FishEye was exerting around his neck. Chibiusa ran over to the Warthog and hopped up into the driver’s seat.

“Wow! Somebody left the keys inside!” she exclaimed, “Let’s go! I’m driving!”

“You’re driving?!” retorted Nyanko, “Your feet can’t even reach the pedals!”

“And you’re too young to drive,” added Fish-Eye.

“Hey! I’m 903 years old!” shouted Chibiusa, “And I’m the princess of Neo-Tokyo! I can do whatever I please and if I say I’m driving, I’m driving! How hard can it be?”

“Excel can drive!” offered Excel, helpfully.

“No you can’t,” retorted Nyanko, “You drove bumper-cars that one time, but you got stuck in the corner. Everyone was ramming your @$$. Even that little girl!”

“No they weren’t!” cried Excel, fuming a little, “I’ve driven a real car once! You weren’t there. You were somewhere else. It was really really cool!” Nako-Nako suddenly looked back and squealed in terror : the Sporehunters were coming.

“Oh s#!t!” cried Chibiusa. She quickly turned the ignition key while everyone else got onboard. However, she was too short to reach the pedals, so Nako-Nako quickly got underneath the steering wheel and pushed them for her. With a deafening screech of tires against asphalt, the Warthog tore out of there, nearly running over Yinggirl and Iron Mouse in the process.

 

Rushing outside, the Sporehunters skidded to a halt and looked around curiously. Something had changed. Something rather important.

“Dude, where’s our Warthog?” asked Wolfwood.

“You’re the one who parked it,” retorted Adam.

“You left the keys in the ignition?!” exclaimed Jup.Knight, “What the hell were you thinking?!”

“What’s a Warthog?” asked Shaldra, curiously. Before anyone could answer the sound of tires screeching could easily be heard. Everyone looked over to see…

 

C-Pov – the rear of a rapidly-retreating Warthog as it barreled down the road, nearly running over some people in the process as it weaved back and forth slightly.

“Hey!” shouted Starcat, “Come back with our Warthog, you bastards!”

“Well this sucks!” snapped Seiya, “How are we supposed to catch them now?” Before Solarchos could even open his mouth, the answer was provided.

 

From behind them came another set of screeching tires as a single white hatch-back car sped towards them and braked hard, stopping within just a few inches of them. The driver’s door opened, and they could all see the black star that was emblazoned on it. The Sporehunters gawked in amazement as Eudial of the Witches 5 poked her head out.

“Come on! Get in and let’s nail that pink wench!” called out Eudial.

 

“Eudial-kun!!” cried Professor Tomoe happily as he launched himself at the TV screen. Rei.bot quickly reached out and yanked him back onto the couch.

“Crap! Not her!” snapped Minako, “She’s the one who stole my pure heart!” Jedite smirked a little.

“Oh yeah,” he mused, “I’ve heard of her. You were acting like total dumbass after that, weren’t you? She’s also the one who also beat the crap out of Uranus and Neptune, too.”

“She did not!!” shouted Michiru, “It was all part of an elaborate deception to make her lower her guard!”

“Yeah, we kicked *her * punk @$$ afterwards!” added Haruka.

“No you didn’t,” stated Artemis, “Eudial clobbered both of you. She was kicking Senshi butt left and right the whole time.”

“Not *my * butt,” remarked Setsuna.

“That’s ‘cause you were always hiding in the rear while Michi and I charged full speed ahead, kicked @$$, and took names!” called out Haruka, “Then you just stepped in and took all the credit just like the Odango-ditz!” Setsuna grinned.

“And that’s why Setsuna’s the smart one and you’re the “dumb@$$ diesel dyke”,” replied Hotaru. Haruka turned bright red while Jedite burst out laughing.

 

“Get in there with *you *?” demanded Seiya, “I don’t think so, lady!”

“Yeah, no way am I trusting a Sailor Moon villain!” added Adam, “Especially one that dresses like a Balinese dancer or something.” Without hesitation, Solarchos rushed over to Eudial’s car and got in.

“I know her,” he explained, “She can be trusted in something like this. Now let’s get moving! The Spores are getting away!” The Sporehunters quickly packed themselves into Eudial’s car. It got crowded really quick.

Solarchos blushed and nosebled again as Shaldra pressed up next to him in the passenger seat. Everyone else was squashed into the back of the car…with predictable results.

“Hey!” cried Starcat, indignantly, “Stop fondling me, you pervert!”

“I was reaching for the seat belt!” replied Seiya. Starcat then smacked her across the face, knocking her backwards…right into Kakyuu’s chest.

“Get your face outta my boobs!” screamed the red-haired princess as she punched her squarely in the face. Wolfwood and Jup.Knight just looked at each other and shook their heads.

“What a f#^ktard,” commented Leudast.

“Everybody in?” asked Eudial. The Sporehunters barely had a chance to reply before she stomped her foot on the gas pedal and took down the street, almost running over Yinggirl and Iron Mouse in the process ( again ).

 

C-Pov – The hijacked Warthog as it came around a sharp corner, skidding right into a row of parked cars. Chibiusa didn’t slow down at all. The background theme music began playing : “Mona Lisa Overdrive” from the Matrix – Reloaded soundtrack (also known as the “Big Car Chase” theme from the same movie ). The C-Pov switched again, showing a rear-view mirror’s angle of the inside of the Warthog. Helios was curled up in the back, mumbling to himself, NakoNako was operating the pedals, Chibiusa was driving, FishEye and Mamoru were in the back behind the Spore, and Nyanko and Excel were both squashed into the passenger seat, and fighting over it.

“I had the seat first!” shouted Nyanko.

“Mine! Mine! Mine!” screamed Excel, “This seat has been claimed in the name of Lord Ilpalazzo! You have no legitimate…”

WHAP!! Close-up of Excel’s face as Nyanko b!^@h-slapped her…hard.

 

“HELL YEAH!!!” screamed the Suburban Senshi.

“Go for it!” cried Hotaru.

“I love it when that happens,” stated Setsuna.

“Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!” chanted Jedite, Haruka, and Tomoe simultaneously.

 

Excel’s face slammed into the dashboard, popping open the glove compartment. Inside was a Glock-17 pistol with an extended clip and a cellphone. The cellphone fell out, landed in her hand, popped open ( Matrix-style ) and began ringing.

“Operator…” announced the girl on the other end of the line.

“Hello? This is Excel Excel. I’d like to order four large pepperoni and sushi pizzas please!”

 

Scene-switch – Sitting in a chair at a rather sophisticated telecommunications console was none other than Sailor Aluminum Siren. Affixed to the collar of her “lingerie” outfit was a Sporehunt button and an Excel plushie sat nearby…with about a dozen knitting needles stuck through it like a voodoo doll.

“Uhhh, I’m not that kind of operator,” replied Siren, browtwitching a little, “My name is Aya Reiko and you’ve reached the Sporehunt Emergency Hotline. Is there a Sporehunt-related emergency that I can assist you with?”

 

Meanwhile, at home, Hotaru snickered a little.

“Oh crap, this is going to get bad really quick!” she called out.

“Those Animamates are gonna be getting some payback for sure!” added Setsuna.

“Give that naughty, naughty kitty-chan to me!” cried Tomoe, “I wanna punish her…by making her play Twister! Muahahahahahaha!!”

 

Nyanko snatched the phone out of Excel’s hand and started talking. Back in the Sub-Sen’s den the TV screen did one of those split-screen effects, showing both the talker ( Nyanko ) and Siren at the same time.

“Yeah, we’ve got an emergency!” she yelled into the phone, causing Siren’s hair to blow backwards with the force of her screaming, “Get me the f%$# outta this s#^t!!!”

“Oh, hello there, Nyanko-san!” replied Siren, sweetly, “How nice to hear your voice again. How are you doing?”

“How am I doing?!” retorted Nyanko, “I’m in the middle of some sick, twisted nightmare that just keeps getting worse, that’s what!!!”

“I’m so sorry to hear that, Nyanko-san,” replied Siren, breaking out into a huge, nasty grin, “Now, you do have a Sporehunt-related emergency, do you? If not, I’ll have to…”

“Don’t hang up!!” shouted Nyanko, “We need to get to Galaxy TV fast!”

“Oooo, that won’t be easy,” replied Siren, “You’re in downtown Tokyo. The only direct route near you is the Winslow Overpass off the freeway. I think I should suggest…oh dear, watch out behind you.”

“Huh?” replied Nyanko, confused, “What are you…” Suddenly, there was a huge, loud crash as they were rammed from behind.

 

C-Pov – a sideways close-up of the rear of the Warthog as a white Ford Bronco rammed it at high speed, lifting the rear of the Warthog a couple inches off the ground for a moment. The Warthog swerved all over the road as Chibiusa struggled to regain control. Mamoru was screaming like a little girl the whole time.

 

“Dude! O.J. Simpson’s joined the cast!” yelled Haruka, “It’s him! That’s his Bronco!”

“That’s not O.J. you dork!” retorted Jedite, “What would that guy be doing over here in Japan anyway?”

“O.J. was framed, I tell you!” continued Haruka, grabbing Jedite by the throat and shaking him back and forth a few times, “Framed, framed, framed!”

“Whoa, look out!” cried Artemis, pointing at the screen.

 

The sunroof of the Ford Bronco slid open and yet another of the Witches 5 popped out. The blue-haired witch-twin Cyprine smiled wickedly as she leaned out, then took aim with a loaded AK-47 assault rifle and opened fire. Her sister, Pikurol, just laughed and kept on driving.

Bullets began to ricochet and explode against the Warthog, a few of them barely missing the Spores. FishEye let out a huge girly scream and ducked for cover in Helios’ lap.

“I AM NOT YAOI!!!” shrieked Helios as he shoved FishEye away violently.

 

“Yes you are!” called out Hotaru, “Oh yes you are!”

“Yup, he’s gay,” added Artemis.

“Totally gay,” commented Jedite.

“Liberache gay!” added Tomoe, “Muahahahahahahaha!”

 

“Hold on!” shouted Chibiusa as she spun the steering wheel. The Warthog turned sharply and nearly spun out as it ran through the red light of a busy intersection. NakoNako’s pedal-pushing skills were less than deficient as she failed to do anything. With a gigantic crash, Chibiusa plowed the Warthog straight through the side of Akio Ohtori’s prized red Stingray convertible, tearing the entire rear end off. She kept on driving, weaving back and forth across the road as the Witch-Twin’s Bronco pursued closely. Cyprine kept on shooting.

“Holy s#!t!!” cried Excel.

“What else could go wrong?!” added FishEye. Suddenly, several more vehicles came onto the main road from side streets and began pursing the Warthog.

 

“Oh dear,” reported Siren as she started eating a bowl of ramen, “There’s an all-points bulletin out of you now. Additional bounty hunters are on their way. Turn right now.” Hearing the orders over her headset, Chibiusa turned the Warthog…and plowed over a mailbox ( sending letters exploding everywhere ), straight through a noodle shop, across a small park, and straight towards a Hispanic man wearing a construction hat.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” screamed Pedro at the top of his lungs.

*WHAM!!! * Chibiusa ran him over and kept going.

 

“Oh my goddess!!” cried Minako, “They killed Pedro!”

“You bastards!” shouted Michiru.

“As if we didn’t see that one coming a mile away,” remarked Setsuna. Tomoe just laughed insanely.

“That was beautiful!” he wailed, “My tears of joy are falling from my eyes like twin waterfalls!”

 

As the Spore’s Warthog drove through the park and over Pedro, the Witches’ Bronco, a non-descript black car, a Tokyo police car, and a blue Ford GT500 continued to pursue closely. Pikurol smirked as they bounced a little on Pedro while Cyprine kept on shooting.

“Now, after this next intersection take the connecting tunnel to the 101,” advised Siren as she leaned back and continued to devour her ramen noodles. “You got it?”

“Uhh…” whimpered Nyanko as a bullet punched through part of her hair-do, nearly ripping her leather cap off, “I guess…”

“Are you sure about this?” continued Siren, “I mean it’s dangerous! In all my fourteen minutes of operating I've never…”

“Just shut up, will ya??!!” screamed Chibiusa as the Ford Bronco rammed them again. Siren browtwitched a little and swallowed a mouthful of ramen.

“Okay!” she beamed, “Winslow Overpass it is! Have fun!”

 

The scene switched, showing the crowded interior of Eudial’s car as everyone was thrown to one side as Eudial made a hard-bank turn. Solarchos’ nose bled some more as the sharp turn caused him to press up against Shaldra, who merely winked and licked off a bit of cream-lemon that was still on his cheek.

“I hope you were using turn signals back there!” cried Wolfwood.

“I need some more bullets!” called out Adam, “I used practically everything I had back at Planet Hentai!” Eudial tossed a small bag into the back seat.

“Here,” she announced as the car lurched and bounced heavily, “I’ve got a couple boxes of 9mm and 12-gauge in there.” Almost everyone dove on the purse and began rummaging through it, eager to get at the bullets and shotgun shells. “Also, I got something for the cat-girl underneath the seat.”

“Really?” asked Shaldra, “What?” Eudial smiled.

“An official Sporehunter care package!” replied the red witch as she put the car through another hard turn, nearly running over Akio Ohtori in the process. Shaldra quickly ripped open the package, finding the usual gear ( some cash, flashlight, cufftape, equipment harness, etc. ) and her personal gift from Morrigan : a rather nice-looking katana. It wasn’t a Hatori Hanzo blade, and it wasn’t anything special or ancient, but it was still well-made and very effective looking.

“Whoot!” cried Shaldra, “I like!!”

“Very nice,” commented Wolfwood as he reloaded his Desert Eagle.

“Morrigan,” began Solarchos, talking into his headset radio, “We’re in pursuit of the Spores. What’s their current status?”

 

The scene shifted, showing the Spore’s Warthog roaring up the street towards the camera with their pursuers following close behind. The scene then went into slow motion, showing Cyprine still blasting away at the Warthog while Tin Nyanko was leaning out the side window and shooting back at the Bronco. The black car, the Tokyo police cruiser, and the GT-500 were closing the distance. Then everything went back to normal speed and all the cars screeched by.

 

“Their current status?” replied Morrigan, “Bad and getting worse. The word’s out about them. Other people are joining the Sporehunt.”

“Aww, no!!” cried Adam, “Bounty-jumpers?! That sucks!”

“Where are they now?” asked Solarchos.

“Just follow the trail of destruction,” said Morrigan, “Chibiusa’s sure making a whole lot of it!” All of the Sporehunters suddenly stared ahead in horror as Eudial drove through the remains of a noodle shop, across a small park, and straight towards Pedro...again.

“Noooooooooooo…!!!” shrieked Pedro. Extreme close-up of his face, then…

WHAM!!!

 

“Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!” screamed everyone in the Suburban Senshi’s den as they all fell over in hysterical laughter.

“I got my wish!” cried Tomoe, “I wanted to see that again and I did! Muahahahahahahahaha!!”

“Beautiful!” sighed Hotaru, “Absolutely beautiful!”

 

Cyprine finished reloading and resumed shooting at the Warthog as they burst out onto the highway. Chibiusa was still weaving all over the road, causing quite a few minor accidents in the process. In contrast, Pikurol was doing a fine job of staying on the Warthog’s tail. Nyanko fired off a couple more shots at the Bronco and ducked back inside the Warthog to reload.

“Waaaaaaahhhhhhh!” wailed Mamoru, “Just let me go!!” FishEye quickly hugged Mamoru.

“Don’t worry Mamo-chan!” he called out, “I’ll protect you!” This just made Maroru wail twice as loud.

“I am not yaoi!!!” whimpered Helios.

“Kupi?” called out NakoNako, “Kupi-kupi?!”

“Bastard drivers!!” screamed Chibiusa, “Get the f#$% outta my way! When I become queen I’ll make sure I put a cap in all your asses!!”

“They’re shooting at us!” cried Excel, “They must be very, very upset at us if they’re doing that! Someone could get hurt!”

“You think?!” screamed Nyanko just as two more non-descript black cars suddenly joined the chase.

 

Scene-switch to the inside of one of the new cars. Inside were none other than Misaki Matsuya and Sumiyoshi Daimaru from “Excel Saga”, wearing dark business outfits and cool black shades.

“We have them in sight,” stated Misaki.

“The Excel is our primary target,” came Sumiyoshi’s reply, which consisted of only kanji at the bottom of the screen.

 

Hotaru burst out laughing.

“Ahh! This just keeps getting better and better!” she called out, “Throw your life away…for justice!”

“Get your hands off my man, you skanky girly-man!!!” screamed Setsuna.

“I don’t know who I want to see get killed first,” commented Haruka, “Excel? Nako-Nako? The Spore?”

“I vote for Excel,” offered Minako, “She’s freaky.”

“Are you certain there’s no number we can call to submit our votes to?” asked Jedite. Haruka nodded sadly.

“Yup,” she replied glumly, “No phone number.”

“Dammit!” snapped Tomoe, “We need to get in contact with T&M Productions and *demand * they provide a phone number for this sort of thing! We demand satisfaction!” Michiru and Artemis merely watched eagerly as the chase continued.

 

FishEye suddenly let out a huge girly squeal and fell to the side, holding the back of his head.

“They got him!” shouted Excel, “They shot the extremely queer-looking gay guy with the bad hair and the weird, thick, padded suit that looks like it’s made out of bubble wrap!”

“Is he dead?” asked Mamoru, hopefully.

“No! They shot my hair!” wailed FishEye, “They shot my f%#$ing HAIR!!!”

“Dammit!” snapped Mamoru. Meanwhile, ignoring the bullets impacting all over the Warthog, FishEye leaned over the front seat and thwapped Excel.

“Listen! Just because I like to wear pretty colored dresses and sakura outfits and just because I like to stare at and huggle cute, cute boys doesn’t change one very fundamental fact…” FishEye pressed his face into Excel’s. “I’m…not…gay!”

“Yeah, right!” retorted Nyanko, “This coming from the guy who wanted to claim Mamo-dork there all for himself! How do you explain that?!”

“Hey!” exclaimed FishEye, “It takes someone who’s very secure in his sexuality to have sex with another man!” All of the Spores simultaneously sweatdropped and face-faulted.

 

“That FishEye is such a homer-vegetable,” sighed Minako.

“Talk about oxymorons,” commented Hotaru.

“With an emphasis on the *moron * part!” added Michiru.

 

Suddenly, the Witch Twin’s Bronco pulled up alongside. In between the Warthog and the Bronco was a single bright yellow Volkswagen Beetle. Cyprine paused for a moment, then emptied her rifle into the side of the Volkswagen, blowing out its windows and causing it to lose control. The Volkswagen quickly lost speed, turned sharply, and crashed, flipping over dozens of times and causing a huge pile-up accident in its wake. The Spores, the Bronco, and all of the pursuing cars swerved through the horrific accident and kept going.

 

“Yes!! Yes!! Yes!!” shrieked Tomoe as he leapt to his feet, “Multiple car pile-ups!! Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!”

“Holy crap!” cried Artemis, “Did I see an *Autobot * symbol on that Volkswagen??!”

“Oh my god!!” exclaimed Haruka, “They killed Bumblebee!!!”

“You bastards!” cried Hotaru.

“Optimus Prime’s gonna be pissed!!” added Setsuna. Jedite cringed.

“A pissed-off Optimus Prime is a really scary thing to see,” he admitted, “And it’s NOT something I’d like to see again.”

“Again?” asked Hotaru, “Are you implying you’ve dealt with that once before?”

“Let’s just say there’s a reason Queen Beryl focused on Japan and not North American in her bid for conquest,” explained Jedite, “There’s also a reason why the Dark Kingdom looked like such a mess.” Michiru burst out laughing.

“Awww, did big, bad General Jedite get his butt kicked by some little bitty robots?” she taunted, “Especially when they’re so EASY to notice!”

“Don’t laugh, “Water-sport Michi”,” snarled Jedite, “The Autobots never fell for any of our tricks, they packed some serious firepower, and our damn Youma never could spot them despite the symbols staring at them right in the f^%#ing face! We had the Autobots outnumbered by several hundred to one and they just transformed and RAN THEM OVER!! I’m talking extreme roadkill!! Then they turned the Dark Kingdom into a gigantic mud pit!!” Rei.bot just smirked.

“Excellent,” she intoned.

 

Chibiusa turned sharply, trying to get away from the Bronco as Cyprine reloaded. Unfortunately, the other unmarked black car sped up alongside them and rammed into them.

Watanabe scowled fiercely as he spun the wheel and rammed into the Warthog a second time.

“What I do, I do for you, Miss Iyasugi!” he whispered under his breath. Meanwhile, in the passenger seat, Iwata was busying rolling down the window.

“Die, miscreants!” screamed Iwata at the top of his lungs, “After a big car chase like this Misaki is sure to want me!!” Laughing maniacally, Iwata pulled out a shotgun and began firing wildly at the Spores.

 

“Yes!” screamed Hotaru, “Get ‘em! Get ‘em!”

“No!! Don’t use a shotgun, you idiots!” shouted Haruka, “Get an Uzi or something and *spray * the motherf^$#ers!”

“Muahahahahahahaha!!!” howled Tomoe as he gripped his stomach with both hands and fell over…onto Michiru’s lap. Michiru quickly grabbed him by the hair, pulled him back upright, and stuffed a Sailor V plushie into his mouth to shut him up.

 

The Witch-Twin’s Bronco suddenly pulled out in front of the Spores. Cyprine took aim, hesitated for a moment, then began firing at Watanabe’s and Iwata’s car, punching dozens of holes through the car’s hood and windshield.

“Crap!!!” screamed Watanabe as he lost control and struck the guardrail. The front tires both exploded and their car came to a screeching halt. Following closely behind, the Tokyo police car, which was being driven by Natsumi Tsujimoto and Miyuki Kobayakawa from “You’re Under Arrest” slammed into them from behind, squashing the whole front of their car like an accordion.

“Awww, no!” cried Miyuki.

“There goes that bounty money,” grumbled Natsumi as fought to escape the airbag that was pinning her to her seat. Meanwhile, the last black car and the GT-500 easily swerved around the crash and stayed on the Warthog’s tail.

 

“Yes! Yes!” screamed Excel as she watched the two cars crash, “I love demolition derbies! All we need now are really big explosions!”

“You know,” commented Nyanko, “That actually sounds pretty good.” Several bullets impacted against the Warthog’s windshield and ricocheted off, making everyone flinch a little.

“Kupi?” asked Nako-Nako from below.

“Shut up and keep on the speed, b!^*h!!” shouted Chibiusa.

“Wise choice,” advised Morrigan over the radio, “Those additional bounty hunters are closing the distance.”

“Chibiusa-chan!” cried Mamoru, “Please slow down and let me off!”

“No!!” replied Chibiusa, hearts appearing in her eyes, “We’re meant to be together! You and I will drive away, just the two of us, and we’ll never be apart ever again, my strapping sexual fantasy you!” Nyanko and Excel just stared at Chibiusa.

“Ewwwwww! Incest!!” cried Excel, “In the world Lord Ilpalazzo will create sick fetishes and grotesque fantasies like that will be outlawed and punished by summary execution by a bullet to the head and the body incinerated!”

“Wow! This Ilpalazzo guy’s starting to sound like a halfway decent guy,” admitted Nyanko. Suddenly, FishEye pointed straight ahead.

“Look out!!” he screamed shrilly.

 

C-Pov – the rear of the white Bronco as Cyprine put her rifle back inside and suddenly dematerialized, becoming a pale, transparent ghost-like figure that passed through the back of the Bronco, floated through the air, and passed straight through the front of the Warthog. Cyprine then rematerialized…right behind FishEye, Mamoru, and Helios.

 

“Awesome!” shouted Haruka.

“That’s a new trick,” added Michiru.

 

Grabbing Helios, Cyprine pulled him up in front of her, using him as a shield. Nyanko quickly turned, took aim with her pistol and pulled the trigger…despite the fact that Helios was in the way. *Click *

“S#^t!” shouted Nyanko.

 

“Excellent!” cried Jedite, “She was actually going to shoot Horse-boy!”

“Too bad the gun misfired,” added Setsuna.

“Dammit! My dream of seeing Helios dead from multiple gunshot wounds has been shattered!” moaned Hotaru, “I want to see him die! I want to drink sake out of his empty head! I want a Helios skull-keg at my next birthday party!” Minako and Artemis just stared at Hotaru and inched away from her.

“Okay, Hotaru-chan,” advised Michiru, nervously, “Just take a deep breath and count to ten. You’re starting to freak everyone out again.”

 

Without a word, Cyprine began attacking the Spores, slapping aside Nyanko’s pistol with one hand and whipping out a straight-razor with the other. Grabbing Helios by the hair, she shoved him face-first into the back of the passenger seat and slashed at Nyanko. Nyanko quickly grabbed Excel and used *her * as a shield. Excel yelped as Cyprine’s blade slashed across her jacket.

“Watch out, Chibiusa-chan!” advised Morrigan, laughing a little.

“Huh?” demanded Chibiusa. Before she could do anything else Cyprine grabbed her by the hair and began smacking her head into the steering wheel…over and over again, causing the Warthog’s horn to honk with each hit.

 

“YES!!!” shrieked Jedite, Tomoe, and Haruka as Cyprine began beating on Chibiusa.

“Muahahahahahahaha!!” cackled Hotaru.

“You know, whenever I think of this movie, and I most certainly will think of it,” stated Michiru, “I will think of *this * scene…and smile!”

 

Thrashing her legs around desperately, Chibiusa accidentally kicked Nako-Nako in the head, knocking her senseless and causing her to fall forward onto the gas pedal. The Warthog began accelerating as it started weaving back and forth across the highway. Cyprine kept pounding Chibiusa’s face into the steering wheel, nailing the Spore a good dozen or so times before FishEye finally stopped huggling Mamoru and grabbed Cyprine from behind. Cyprine tried to bring her blade down across FishEye’s arm, but Helios actually jumped in and grabbed her arm. Cyprine quickly reacted by grabbing Helios’ crotch with her free hand ( letting go of Chibiusa in the process ), grabbed on HARD, and *twisted *.

C-Pov – a close-up of Helios’ face as his eyes nearly bugged out of his head, leaned back a little, and opened his mouth wide…

 

“THE HILLS ARE ALIVE…WITH OL’ HORSE-BOY’S SCREAMING!!!” sang Hotaru, “HE’S NOT GONNA PISS…FOR ABOUT A WEEK!!” Everyone else, with the exception of rei.bot, was too busy writhing on the floor in hysterical laughter to comment.

 

FishEye quickly leaned over the driver’s seat and grabbed the steering wheel as Chibiusa held her head, crying loudly from the pain. Mamoru was just curled up in a ball and screaming piteously. Nyanko ducked as Cyprine slashed at her head, barely avoiding the gleaming razor. Excel quickly lunged forward and wrapped up Cyprine’s extended arm with the seat beat. Nyanko then began slapping at Cyprine’s face and the two of them got into a smacking-contest.

“…ow…!” whimpered Helios from behind Cyprine, “…my sack…!”

“Shut up, Helios!” screamed Nyanko, “We don’t have time to listen to your trivial little nuisances right now!” Working her hand back and forth, Cyprine cut through the seat belt and tried to slash Excel. Excel glanced at the cut fabric of the safety restraint, then began smacking Cyprine in the face with it.

“Head’s up, Spores,” warned Morrigan over the radio, “Your problems just increased big time!”

 

C-Pov – a little ways to the side and behind the Warthog as one of the black cars pulled up alongside – Misaki and Sumiyoshi had caught up. One of the doors on the passenger side opened, and a tall girl with short purple hair and a blank, neutral expression quickly climbed out onto the roof. Like the rest of her team, she was wearing a dark outfit and cool black shades. Without word or hesitation, Roppinmatsu leaped off the car and landed on the hood of a white race-car coming up the middle lane, squashing the entire engine block flat. Bearing down, Roppinmatsu made another huge leap, jumping high into the air and causing Speed Racer’s car to completely wipe out, flipping end over end and creating another gigantic twelve-car pile-up as. The camera caught all of the vehicular devastation in glorious slow motion.

 

Haruka let out a loon-like cry of delight as she watched the accidents unfold, bouncing up and down on the couch as she watched the cars flip over, roll, and otherwise explode into pieces. Jedite looked at her strangely.

“Did you just have an orgasm or what?” he asked.

“Knowing Haruka, she probably did,” said Michiru.

“Go Speed Racer!” chanted Artemis, “Go Speed Racer! Go Speed racer gooooo!”

“Not any more, he isn’t,” commented Setsuna. Minako was too busy wailing about Nako-Nako while Hotaru and Tomoe were too busy laughing.

 

Roppinmatsu landed squarely in the middle of the Warthog’s front hood. Kneeling down, she reared back her fist and punched through the windshield with one blow. Everyone onboard watched in terror as the android then ripped out the shattered bullet-proof window and tossed it aside like a used tissue. Mamoru let out a shrill, girly shriek of pure, pants-wetting fear.

“F#%$ me!!!” screamed Chibiusa.

“Hell no!” shouted back FishEye, “Not for all the rice in China, you sick pink freak!!!” Nyanko quickly picked up her pistol, cleared the misfire, and started shooting. Roppinmatsu immediately began dodging each and every bullet fired, her arms and body nothing more than blur as she moved.

“Give me that!” shouted Excel as she snatched the gun out of Nyanko’s hand and began shooting wildly at Roppinmatsu. Roppinmatsu just kept dodging all of the shots. At that moment Nako-Nako rolled over onto the brake pedal, causing the Warthog to screech to a halt. The forward inertia threw Roppinmatsu off the front of the Warthog. She hit the pavement, tumbled over several times, and managed to get to her feet. She watched impassively as the Warthog served around her and sped away, leaving her by the side of the road.

 

Scene-switch – the inside of the Warthog as Cyprine put Excel into a head-lock and began banging her head against the doorframe repeatedly.

“Ow ( whack )…ow ( whack )…ow ( whack )…” gurgled Excel as her torment continued. Cyprine lashed out with her leg and kicked Helios squarely in the crotch, drawing yet another shrill, distressed squeak from him. Nyanko grabbed the pistol from Excel’s hand, spun around, and started shooting at Cyprine. The blue-haired witch became intangible as Nyanko began firing and was blown off the Warthog.

Cyprine materialized unharmed on the road. Frowning, she waited a few seconds as the white Bronco came roaring up the road towards her on a collision course. At the last second, Cyprine became intangible once more, phased through the Bronco as it passed through her, and re-materialized in the passenger’s seat. Pikurol sighed.

“We are getting aggravated,” grumbled Pikurol.

“Yes we are,” added Cyprine.

 

The scene switched back to the Warthog as FishEye roughly shoved Chibiusa and NakoNako aside and started driving. He did a slightly better job of it than Chibiusa, but not by much.

“Aaaahh!” cried Chibiusa as she was shoved into the passenger seat with Excel and Nyanko, “Watch it you bas^*#d!! You can’t shove me around like that!”

“Kupi!!” added NakoNako as she readjusted her hat. FishEye opened his mouth to make a reply, then squealed shrilly as more bullets began to pelt the Warthog.

 

“Hold it steady, Eudial!” called out Solarchos as he leaned out the sunroof and started aiming his sniper-bolter at the Spores.

“Got it!” called out Eudial as she stomped on the gas pedal and pushed her car faster. The rest of the Sporehunters were all aiming out the windows of Eudial’s car and shooting at the Spores. Kakyuu and Leudast were both laughing like maniacs and Seiya was burst-firing like crazy. Adam and Shaldra fired their guns a couple of times for effect while everyone else waited with barely-restrained eagerness. Suddenly, the last black car and the GT-500 zoomed past them and pulled up alongside the Warthog, matching its speed.

“Huh?” began Mamoru as both cars rolled down their windows.

“Hey! Who are…?” added Nyanko. Then the Spores all began freaking out as they recognized the occupants of the two cars. In the black car were none other than Mirielle and Kikira from “Noir”. In the blue Ford GT-500 was Rally Vincent from “Gunsmith Cats”. All three girls pulled out pistols, took aim at the Warthog, and started shooting.

 

“All right!” called out Haruka, “Rally Vincent and the Noir-chicks! This just keeps getting better and better!”

“Indeed!” remarked Michiru, licking her lips at the sight of Mirielle.

“Wait a minute,” objected Minako, “Why are a couple of assassins getting involved in the Sporehunt?”

“Probably because a “double if dead” bounty is basically a contract hit,” replied Hotaru, “I wish Morrigan would change Helios’ bounty to a “double if dead”, too!”

“Do it,” urged Setsuna as she stared at the ensuing firefight, “Do it! Come on, you bimbos! Kill those sons a bitches!!!”

“Yeah!!” screamed Hotaru, leaning forward a little, “Blow Helios’ f&$%ing brains out!!!”

“No!!” shouted Setsuna, “Shoot him on either side of his groin, sever those femoral arteries, and let him bleed to death!!!”

“Perfect!!” cried Hotaru happily as she high-fived Setsuna. Minako and Artemis both stared at them in abject horror.

“Okay, I’m just going to move over here for the rest of the night,” said Artemis as he hopped down onto the floor.

 

C-Pov – slightly downwards at Rally Vincent as she emptied her Desert Eagle into the side of the Warthog, putting numerous dents in its side armor. The scene switched again, focusing on Kikira and Mirielle as they emptied their guns into the Warthog as well, aiming for the tires but failing to penetrate the armored wheelguards.

“We’ve gotta get the hell outta here!” screamed FishEye. Suddenly, the Spores were all thrown to the side as Rally rammed her car into the Warthog. A second later, Mirielle did the same thing, slamming her car against the Warthog while Kikira emptied her pistol into Excel, hitting her about half a dozen times and pushing her right into Nyanko and Chibiusa.

“Ow!!” cried Excel.

“Oh god, she’s been shot!” shouted Nyanko, “Are you all right!?” Excel just burst out into a huge smile and flashed them the V-sign as she brushed off the from of her jacket, which now had about six deep dents in it.

“Excel like to wear Kevlar!” she replied, happily, “Excel’s Kevlar jacket helps keep her really, really safe so she can further the great and wondrous goals of Lord Ilpalazzo!” Chibiusa quickly punched Excel in the face.

“Stop going on and on about that stupid Ilpalazzo @$$hole!” she screamed, “We don’t care!!” The conversation are interrupted as Rally Vincent began shooting again, putting a bullet straight through Chibiusa’s hair. Mirielle and Kikira also kept shooting, and suddenly a loud bang suddenly could be heard over the noise as one of their shots finally blew out one of the Warthog’s tires. The headrest of the driver’s seat exploded a moment later as a micronized rocket struck it from behind, throwing FishEye forward and causing him to loose control.

Mamoru squealed in hysterical terror as the Warthog weaved back and forth across the road, slamming first into Rally’s car, then Mirielle’s, sending both cars spinning out of control.

 

“Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…!!!” screamed Mirielle and Kikira simultaneously as their car spun out, went off the road, and crashed head-on into…Tortoro.

 

C-Pov – the car’s point of view as it plowed straight into Tortoro’s smiling face, which turned into a distressed frown mere moments before impact.

WHAM!!!

 

“Noooooooo! Not Tortoro!!” wailed Minako as she burst out into tears.

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” screamed everyone else in hysterical laughter.

“Our friend Tortoro just became some serious roadkill!” called out Haruka.

 

Meanwhile, Rally’s GT-500 spun out and crashed straight through a guardrail, straight off the other side, and briefly became airborne. The camera zoomed in, catching every moment of Rally Vincent freaking out.

“On my goddess!!” she wailed, “I don’t wanna die a virgin!!” Suddenly, there was a huge crunch as her car hit the ground, kept driving downhill at over 50 miles per hour, and crashed straight into the Hinata apartment complex. Busting through the wall and flattening the dining room table ( and very nearly flattening the entire cast of “Love Hina” in the process ), Rally was unable to regain control. Finally, her famous car, which was now looking a whole lot worse for wear, smashed through one final wall and came to a shuddering halt in the middle of the bathing pool, quickly sinking up to the windows. Rally facefaulted and thumped her head against the steering wheel.

“Son of a…” she moaned as the inside of her car filled up to her chest.

 

The scene switched, returning back to the swerving and weaving Warthog and Eudial’s car. Solarchos fired another shot at it, but the Warthog swerved aside at the last moment, causing the gyroslug to shoot past and strike…

…a Puchuu standing on the guardrail. The cute little critter was hit by the shot and immediately exploded, splattering its now-ugly face all over the place.

“Nice shot!” called out Seiya, “You nailed that Puchuu good!” Solarchos sweatdropped a little

“I was aiming for the Spores,” he grumbled.

“Still, Puchuus *are * on the bounty list,” corrected Morrigan over the radio, “That’s another 200 dollars for the SporeHunters so don’t feel so bad about missing.”

“We’ve gotta stop that damn thing!” shouted Shaldra, “Or at least slow it down enough that some of us can jump aboard!”

“With how those idiots are weaving all over the place there’s no chance of that happening,” called out Eudial.

“I’d like to know who the hell’s driving that thing and whether or not they’re on crack,” said Jup.Knight, “They just ran the Mystery Machine off the road!” Everyone was suddenly thrown to one side as Eudial swerved hard, following the Warthog as it took an exit off the highway and re-entered the city. They were getting close to Galaxy TV.

“I’ve got an idea of how to stop that thing,” announced Starcat, “But I’ve got a feeling you aren’t going to like it, Solar.” Solarchos looked back at Starcat, then at her excited expression, then at the plasma grenade she was now holding.

“Something tells me I’m about to be out another Warthog,” he grumbled.

 

C-Pov – An outside shot of an ordinary-looking parked car…roughly a second before the Warthog crashed into it from behind, rolling up onto its rear, over its roof, and back down over its hood, driving back onto the road and continuing with hardly any loss of speed. The Spores stared back at the ruined car they’d just partially flattened.

“Oops!” cried FishEye, “Do you think I should leave them a note or something?”

“Uhh, no!” replied Nyanko as she saw some guy come out of a nearby shop, see the ruined car, and fall to his knees sobbing, “Just keep driving and don’t look back!”

“Galaxy TV, dead ahead,” announced Morrigan over the radio, “Looks like you jokers actually made it.”

“Yaaaaaaay!” cried Excel as she stood up, clapping happily and flashing the V-sign again. Just then, Eudial’s car suddenly swerved up alongside them. Before anyone could do anything about it, a small glowing blue ball was thrown through the air and struck the Warthog on its rear wheel, sticking to the wheelguard plate like it was glued on.

“Hold on!” yelled Eudial as she stomped on the brakes, putting her car into a tremendous screeching halt and sending all of the SporeHunters flying forward. A moment later, Starcat’s plasma grenade exploded in a brilliant blue flash of light.

 

C-Pov – the inside of the Warthog looking down at the Spores from the rear-view mirror. The words “CRASH-CAM” appeared at the bottom of the screen. There was a huge thump as the grenade detonated, the force of the blast sending the rear of the Warthog upwards. FishEye freaked out as he instantly lost control. Mamoru screamed in terror, his ear-piercing shriek mingling beautifully with those of Chibiusa, Nyanko, and Helios as the Warthog was pitched onto its nose and proceeded to flip over.

“Kuuuuuu-PIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!” screamed NakoNako.

“Eeeeeeeeeee-yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!” wailed Chibiusa, tears squirting from her eyes as the Warthog continued to roll over. The camera angle didn’t change, showing nothing of the wreckage they were leaving in their wake, but the purple blood splattering onto the Spores was a good indication that some Puchuus had become collateral damage.

 

Back in the Suburban Senshi’s den, everyone stared in awed silence as the Spores continued their crash, obviously rolling over several more times. The screaming never stopped and Hotaru burst out into evil laughter as she caught sight of the spreading wet patch in the crotch of Helios’ pants. Finally, after several seconds the sounds of crunching and the unmistakable scraping of metal, and one gigantic crash of glass, the Warthog came to a halt and most of the Spores fell to the side of the screen. The Warthog was not lying on its side in the front lobby of Galaxy TV.

Before any of the Suburban Senshi could do anything, the screen froze…

 

LET’S SEE THAT AGAIN!! proclaimed the subtitles at the bottom of the screen.

 

“HELL YEAH!!” shouted Haruka. Suddenly, the movie reshowed the entire “Crash-Cam” sequence from the beginning…in glorious slow motion. All of the Suburban Senshi proceeded to go wild, clapping and cheering the whole time.

“This is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen since “Faces of Death”!” cried Jedite happily.

“This movie TRULY deserves an Oscar award!” added Michiru.

“It certainly beats Michael Moore’s crap,” stated Artemis, “That fat, socialist, f#%&!” Setsuna and Hotaru were actually headbanging in a rare display of emotion, which surprised more than a few people.

“NakoNako…!” wailed Minako, who was clearly NOT enjoying the crash scene. Laughing insanely, Professor Tomoe quickly silenced Minako’s crying by stuffing a Sailor V plushie into her mouth.

 

“Okay! You made it! Great job with the car-chase scene!” stated Morrigan over the radio, “Lotsa drama, lotsa carnage! The audience will love it! Now get your butts to studio 4 on the second floor and double-time it!” Meanwhile, the Spores were busy extricating themselves from the badly-damaged Warthog and staggering around the lobby, oblivious to the dozens of people standing around staring at them. Chibiusa got to her feet first, staggered over to the nearest wall, and noisily threw up.

“Excel feels very very dizzy,” whimpered Excel as she took a few wobbly steps, then fell to her knees and hurled the contents of her stomach onto the floor. The Spores all quickly began to recover as they heard the unmistakable sound of Eudial’s car approaching.

“Hurry!” stated Mamoru, posing dramatically, “You must get Small Lady out of here. I will buy you all the time needed for you to escape!”

“Fine by me,” stated Nyanko.

“Catch you later, Sheet-boy,” added Helios.

“Bye!” replied Excel, “Have fun getting slaughtered!”

“Kupi kupi!” chirped NakoNako happily. Without another word, Helios and Excel clapped their hands over FishEye’s and Chibiusa’s mouths, silencing their protests, and proceeded to quickly drag them away while Nyanko grabbed the shotgun they’d stolen from Starcat. Within seconds the Spores had dashed away, leaving Mamoru behind.

“Hey!!” he shouted, “You’re supposed to beg me not to risk myself like this, not just scarper off like this!!”

 

“Bwaaaaa-hahaha!!!” cried Jedite, “Cape-boy got ditched!”

“And the harsh, ugly face of reality rears its head at Tuxedo Kamen,” added Michiru, “Oh fortune, how you mock him.”

“Mock him…and entertain us!!” stated Tomoe.

 

The scene switched over to Eudial and the Sporehunters as Eudial sped straight towards the wreckage of the Warthog. Mamoru, already dressed up as Tuxedo Kamen, was slowly and deliberately walking towards them.

“Ooooo, Cape-boy’s gonna be Tuxedo Roadkill!” hissed Eudial.

“SporeHunters,” announced Morrigan, “I am now authorizing a 4000 dollar bounty for the LIVE capture of Cape-boy. Got it?” The Sporehunters all began smiling.

“Oooooo!” whispered Kakyuu, “We gonna catch us a Cape-boy now!”

 

Dramatic music began playing ( “Mona Lisa Overdrive” still ) as Eudial’s car continued to bear down on Tuxedo Kamen. He stood completely still as the scarlet-haired witch came right at him. Then, at the last moment, he dived to the side, just barely avoiding getting run over and hurling a single rose at the windshield.

 

Close up of the rose striking the windshield, sticking into the glass and cracking it noticeably. Eudial swerved slightly, going around Tuxedo Kamen. As he dove to the side Tuxedo Kamen whipped out his cane and stabbed it forwards, aiming at the tires with the intention of puncturing it. He closed his eyes as he did so, apparently envisioning the entire scenario, playing all out in his mind, factoring in everything needed.

 

“Ooooooo…!” moaned Setsuna, hearts beating in her eyes as she watched every move Mamoru made.

“He’s so dashing and suave!” added Minako, equally enraptured.

“Oh, puh-lease!” snapped Jedite, “The man’s a effete poser in a tuxedo with a flower fetish and a pervert for a future daughter.”

“No!” cried Setsuna, “Mamo-chan will save the day! I know he will!”

 

Tuxedo Kamen quickly rose to his feet and spun around. Opening his eyes, he surveyed the scene…and realized things hadn’t quite gone the way he’d wanted.

Eudial’s car was idling nearby…with its tires undamaged. Tuxedo Kamen’s cane, however, had snapped like a twig after making contact with the car. The Sporehunters had already gotten out of the car.

“You’re gonna pay for that windshield, Cape-boy!” screamed Eudial as she charged at him and knocked him to the ground in a quarterback-tackle.

“Take that, Tuxedo faggot!!” screamed Wolfwood. Leudast started kicking the crap out of Mamoru while Kakyuu started jumping up and down on Mamoru’s back. Things got ugly for Cape-boy really fast.

“All right!” called out Morrigan over the radio, “That’s another 4000 dollars for the Sporehunters!”

 

“YEAH!!!” screamed Jedite, “Hit him! Hit him! Beat the crap out of him!”

“Smoke that mutha like he ain’t no thang!!” yelled Tomoe. Setsuna was in tears, Minako and Artemis’ heads were tilting slightly, Hotaru was a little crestfallen, rei.bot seemed unperturbed, and Haruka and Michiru were cringing slightly as the beating continued.

“Wow!” commented Artemis, “They’re really going to town on him!”

“Mamo-chan’s going to be stealing that and mourning!” added Minako.

“FEELING it in the MORNING!” snapped Hotaru, sweatdropping.

“Waaaaaaaahhhhh!!!” wailed Setsuna, crying like Usagi.

“Oh, accept the pain, Meioh,” retorted Jedite, “We all knew this was going to happen the moment those Sporehunters went after him.”

“Jeez! They’re beating him up with raw O.J.-like inhumanity!” cried Haruka.

“I know,” replied Michiru, “What barbarism. What unsophisticated thugs. Those Sporehunters…” Tomoe quickly stuck a handful of potato chips into Michiru’s mouth to shut her up.

“Those Sporehunters rule!!” he shouted, “They rule! Whoa! They just shoved him head-first into a garbage can! Now they’re kicking and beating the hell out of the can!! Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!”

“This is pure gold! I love this!” cried Haruka.

 

The Sporehunters quickly tied up Mamoru with cufftape and threw him ( and yes, I do me *threw * him ) into the back of Eudial’s car. They all then stood together at the lobby of Galaxy TV. They looked up, then at each other, and all nodded.

“Let’s get that Spore and kick her ass!” stated Adam.

“Nyanko’s mine,” growled Kakyuu.

“Kickass,” stated Jup.Knight firmly. Shaldra just purred, waving her tail eagerly. All of the Sporehunters began dashing towards the lobby, eager to continue the chase.

All except for Wolfwood, who tapped Eudial on the shoulder.

“Are you going with them?” asked Eudial. Wolfwood shook his head.

“Not right now,” he told her, “I need you to give me a ride. There’s something I need to take care of for a friend, and it needs to be done now before it’s too late.” Eudial nodded and they both dashed back to her car. The scene then faded to black.

 

PLEASE INSERT DISC 4.

 

“Awww, crap!” cried Haruka, “Quick! Change out the disc!”

“Yeah, I wanna see Wolfwood get his ride from Eudial!” called out Tomoe, “Muahahahahaha!” Michiru quickly thwapped him with harisen.

“Hentai!” she snapped.

“Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!” bawled Setsuna, still crying. Artemis was covering his ears with his paws to drown out the awful noise.

“And I thought Usagi was loud!” he commented.

“I’ve got it,” said Hotaru as she got up. All of a sudden the lights went out.

“What the…?!” demanded Haruka.

“Not a blackout!” cried Minako, “Not now!”

“No!” shouted Jedite, “I must see Disc 4! I must watch the Spore get her ass kicked!”

“Wait a sec!” called out Hotaru, “The lights in the houses across the street are still on. What’s going on here?”

“Main power cut off,” intoned rei.bot, “Circuit breakers have been tripped. Thank Nephrite for that.”

“Nephrite??!!” shouted Jedite and Haruka simultaneously.

“That son of a…” snarled Michiru.

“You mean he yanked the power lines to this house somehow?” asked Setsuna.

“He probably screwed with the power meter outside,” replied Tomoe, “rei.bot can have it fixed in a few seconds.” Rei.bot nodded and silently got up to do so. Meanwhile, Michiru picked up a few of the empty beer bottles littering the floor and went into the kitchen to fully empty them out, stepping around the shattered remains of the counter in the process. Everyone watched her, curious.

“Uhh, Michi, what are you?” began Haruka. She cringed a little as she saw “that look” in her eyes.

“Have you got some gasoline lying around, Haruka?” asked Michiru.

“Uhh…yeah, why?” Michiru smiled evilly.

“Get it!” she snarled, “We’re gonna FIREBOMB that b@$^@rds house for this one!”

“HELL YEAH!!” shouted Jedite as he rushed over to help.

“But you promised that that dumb feud between you and him was over!” objected Hotaru. Michiru continued to smile evilly, madness glinting in her eyes.

“I lied!” Hotaru, Minako, and Artemis sweatdropped big-time.

 

 

To Be Continued in Episode 8

 

 

 

 

 


Episode 8

This space

T & M Productions, in Association with Xadium Studios

And the Suburban Senshi Signal Corps

Shamelessly Presents…

 

Suburban Senshi : Sporehunt

Episode 8 – Iron Senshi

 

Usual legal crap : The following story and its sequels are works of pure parody and fiction and do not represent actual views, attitudes, and feelings. Except in regard to Chibiusa Tsukino who needs to be summarily executed. Just about all of the characters portrayed in this are pretty much the property of someone else. They know who they are. I’m not stealing them; I’m just borrowing them for a little bit. Imitation and imagination are the sincerest forms of flattery.

 

“Ooo-hohohohohohohohoho!!” Michiru’s insane laughter filled the air as she hurled another lit Molotov cocktail at Nephrite’s house. The bottle shattered against the front door, dousing it with ignited gasoline. Already several windows had been smashed, the paneling on one side had been slashed apart by Hotaru’s glaive, the roof had been set on fire by Professor Tomoe and Minako, the garage had been utterly destroyed by a well-placed World-Shaking, Setsuna was blowing holes in the second floor with continuous Dead Screams, and Jedite was going to town in the back yard with a chainsaw. Artemis stayed next to rei.bot, who was casually hanging back and staying uninvolved.

“Insanity reigns,” intoned rei.bot as she watched with her usual impassive expression, “Destruction for its own sake...what a bunch of freaks.”

“Yes, but they sure look like they’re having fun doing it,” replied Artemis. From the back yard came a loon-like cry of maniacal laughter as Jedite finished sawing through a large tree, then tipped it over, allowing it to collapse against the back of Nephrite’s house with a loud crash. Jedite then set the tree on fire with a well-placed blast of dark lightning.

“The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!” chanted Setsuna, grooving a little to the delight of any young boys lurking in the shadows, “We don’t need no water, let it burn yo burn yo! We don’t need no water let it burn!”

“And burning it is!” added Haruka, “That was fun!”

“Yes, we should commit arson and willful destruction of private property more often!” called out Prof. Tomoe, “Who wants Tasty Coffee?!”

 

The Suburban Senshi returned to their house. Some of them were carrying long sticks upon which roasted marshmallows were simmering. Over on the next street the flames were climbing higher as they relentlessly consumed Nephrite’s house.

“Heh,” remarked Jedite, “I have to admit that was rather amusing.”

“That’ll teach that bastard to mess with our power,” added Michiru. They all quickly sat back down and pressed “play” on the DVD remote.

 

THE FOLLOWING PREVIEWS HAVE BEEN APPROVED BY T & M PRODUCTIONS…

 

“Previews?” asked Minako, “As in more than one?”

“Dammit!” snapped Haruka, “Not more of that dumbass blond ditz!”

 

The scene showed a frontal of Haruka getting ready to fight.

“I want you to hit me as hard as you can,” she stated.

“What?” asked a confused Usagi.

Announcer : “She thought she had the perfect life.” The scene showed Usagi lying in bed, fast asleep and snoring.

Usagi : “I met dynamic women…” The scene showed Usagi getting yelled at by an angry Rei. “I had a good job…”

Rei : “SHUT UP!!” The scene switched to show Usagi playing on an arcade game

Usagi : “I had a good job.” Usagi pressed a buttons repeatedly on the game, then the scene switched to show daimon-box after daimon-box rolling along a conveyer belt towards Eudial’s car.

Eudial : “You’re not paid to abuse the copy machine!” The scene switched to Sailor Moon striking her famous pose, then switched again to show large crowds of clapping, happy people.

Usagi : “I had it all…and then I met…Tyler Durden.” The scene switched again, showing Haruka in her school uniform.

Haruka : “Welcome to Fight Club.”

Confused Usagi : “What is that?”

Haruka : “Fight Club’s the beginning.” The next scenes flashed by in rapid succession, showing all of the Senshi and various villains all looking eager for a fight.

Happy, grinning Usagi as she flashes the V-sign : “I am enlighted.” The next scene showed Jupiter accidentally kneeing Mars in the ribs instead of Cooan and various scenes of the Senshi and SM villains launching attacks at each other…or getting nailed by an attack. Then it showed Sailor Uranus, posing imperiously.

Haruka : “First rule of Fight Club…you do not talk about Fight Club! Second rule of Fight Club (close up of Haruka’s face )…you do not talk about Fight Club!”

Facefaulting Usagi : “What did you guys do?!”

Nonchalant Haruka : “You wanna make an omelet…” The next scene showed Professor Tomoe hugging and cradling a daimon-pod. “…you gotta break some eggs.”

Announcer as Haruka’s pic appeared : “Brat Pitt…” Sailor Moon appeared, preparing to hurl her tiara. “Edward Norton…”

The next scene showed all of the Inner Senshi dancing around desperately as flames raged around their feet due to Mars’ careless use of a fire blast.

Usagi voice-over : “This is too much!”

Angry Haruka : “What did you expect?!” The scene switched again, showing Jesse and James from Pokemon posing…and holding a great big red R between them.

Announcer : “Fight Club…rated R. Coming soon to a theater near you.” The final scene showed Usagi and Rei fighting at the Hikowa temple and rolling around on the ground…then Usagi lying on the ground with several red marks on her face.

Injured Usagi : “…That hurt…”

 

“Is that for real?” asked Setsuna.

“Aren’t you supposed to already know the answer?” retorted Jedite, wryly.

“I am not the head of some underground anarchist organization!” objected Haruka loudly, “But I kinda wish I was.”

“Yeah, then you could act like an even bigger slob than you already are,” added Michiru.

“And beat the crap out everyone around you,” added Tomoe, “But you do that all the time anyway!” Just then the next preview began.

 

A lone figure dressed in military cameos stood in front of an upturned Warthog that for no reason whatsoever was on fire. Standing next to him was a well-known Japanese pop-idol.

 

“Hey! That’s a Sporehunter!” called out Artemis, “That’s Wolfwood!”

“Sure is,” added Prof. Tomoe, “It’s Hotaru’s future boyfriend and sex-slave!” Hotaru growled angrily.

“Enough with the boyfriend nonsense already!” Minako’s eyes flashed with stars as she instantly recognized the pop-idol.

“Seiya-kun!” she sighed happily, “Oh, he’s as beautiful and handsome as ever!”

“He’s a fricken’ “she”, remember?!” cried Haruka, “Sailor Star Fighter, remember??!! Earth to Minako’s brain…hello?!”

 

“Hey everybody, I’m Wolfwood from the popular fan fiction series Sporehu…“ Wolfwood trailed off as someone else entered the frame, waving madly. “Fish-Eye?! What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be in this one!” Fish-eye began to well up with tears, albeit very very gay tears.

“But-but, you said I need to participate more! So I’m participating…in my own way,” sobbed Fish-Eye.

“And in what way is a skirt, high heels, and a shirt that reads ‘I love to kiss all the boys’ helpful?” demanded Wolfwood, shaking his head in abject disgust. “Ugh…lets just start over...”

“Hello everyone!” began Seiya, smiling blankly with a rather vacuous expression on her face (not unlike Mihoshi 95% of the time ), “I am Mr. Wolfwood from the popular fan fiction Sporehunt!!”

“Seiya, that’s my line!” retorted Wolfwood.

“…you can’t prove that!” taunted Seiya, sticking her tongue out at him. Suddenly, they all started looking around curiously.

“What’s that strange and unusual sound?” asked Fish-Eye.

“Sounds like Princess Kakyuu screaming bloody murder,” offered Seiya. A moment later, Princess Kakyuu ran across the screen with her hair on fire.

“AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” she shrieked at the top of her lungs, “BLOODY MURDER!!! BLOODY MURDER!!!”

 

Everyone in the Sub-Sen Den recoiled in their chairs. Even rei.bot.

“Shimata!” shouted Jedite, “That princess screams louder than Usagi!”

“And Usagi can wail for sure,” added Setsuna, “I’ve sometimes heard her all the way from the Gates of Time. I kid you not!"

 

“As you all already know,” continued Wolfwood as Kakyuu ran off, “We tend to use a lot of Covenant plasma grenades from the Xbox game Halo in our series…”

“Or El~Halo as it is known in Spanish Land!” piped in Seiya. Wolfwood glowered at her for a moment before continuing.

“Seiya, you’re an idiot…anyway, much like the fourth of July, the fun of Sporehunt isn’t in the Hotdog wieners, the fun, or the non-stop binge drinking…we only do it for the sheer volume of explosions!”

 

“No it’s not!” objected Haruka, “It’s the non-stop binge drinking! NOTHING’S better than non-stop binge drinking!”

“Not even explosions?” asked Minako.

 

“Kickass!!” shouted Seiya, thrusting a fist into the air.

“Mmm…delicious wieners!” moaned Fish-Eye, drooling slightly. Wolfwood sweatdropped at Fish-Eye’s reaction.

“And in turn, we’ve assembled a short list of grenade-handling tips to make your experience more fun,” stated Wolfwood. “Let’s watch as Seiya and Fish-Eye demonstrate some common mistakes when handling these little treasures!” The scene switched, showing Seiya and Fish-Eye standing together in backgrounds that looked like they were drawn by Usagi herself. A caption appeared across the bottom of the screen – “Safety Tip #1 : Never play indoors with plasma grenades.”

 

“Fish-guy whose name I can’t remember!” called out Seiya, “Check out this awesome glowing ball! It is even more fun because we are playing with it inside!” Seiya began tossing around a glowing blue sphere the size of a tennis ball – a Covenant plasma grenade. An *armed * Covenant plasma grenade.

“Wait! That’s not a ball, that’s a grenade!” cried Fish-Eye.

“Do not worry man of tuna! We are completely safe! All of the doors and windows are locked from the outside, so we can not escape!” announced Seiya happily. Then a very nervous expression appeared on her face. “Oh…wait a minute…”

( Insert earth-shattering ka-boom here. )

 

Prof. Tomoe burst out into insane laughter at the sight of Seiya and Fish-Eye getting blasted.

“Yeah!” added Haruka, “Now THIS is entertainment!”

 

“Safety Tip #2 : Never play with plasma grenades near an open flame.” The next scene showed Seiya and Fish-Eye at a barbecue grill. Fish-Eye was wearing, to no one’s surprise, an apron that proclaimed “Kiss the Cook”.

“So Seiya, how do you like your meat?” asked Fish-Eye as he poked and prodded at the grill with a BBQ fork. “Burnt to a crisp, or pink and juicy?”

“Lobster dip man,” replied Seiya, “I will take that fuzzy glowing hamburger please.”

“That’s no hamburger, it’s a grenade!” cried Fish-Eye.

“I know! I switched them when you weren’t looking!” called out Seiya, grinning like an idiot. “Maybe I should not have done that!”

( Insert earth-shattering ka-boom here. )

 

Hotaru and Jedite cackled evilly as the pair got blown up again.

“I could watch this all day!” sighed Michiru, smirking a little.

“Indeed!” added Setsuna.

 

“Safety Tip #3 : Never put plasma grenades in your pants.” The next scene showed Seiya and Fish-Eye standing in the middle of a non-descript field that could’ve been any small field or park in Japan.

“Say Seiya,” asked Fish-Eye, “Have you seen my plasma grenade?”

“Yes, Maui Maui person,” replied Seiya, “I put it in my pants!” A look of slow realization came over Seiya’s face. “Wait…”

( Insert earth-shattering ka-boom here. )

 

“Putting plasma grenades down your own pants will result in injury or death,” announced Artemis, “Putting plasma grenades down someone ELSE’S pants will result in much rejoicing!” Jedite was currently laughing so hard tears were streaming from his eyes.

 

“Safety Tip #4 : Never aim plasma grenades at your friends…even if they piss you off by doing that really annoying thing. You know, that REALLY REALLY annoying thing.”

 

“Like Usagi’s wailing,” commented Jedite.

“Or Helios’ rapping,” added Hotaru.

“Or Haruka’s snoring,” said Minako.

“Or Michiru’s cooking,” offered Setsuna.

“Hey!!!” shouted Michiru.

 

Wolfwood stepped out in front of the camera, this time wearing a heavily padded EOD suit and a heavily reinforced helmet.

“In this last bit,” he announced, “The part of the grenade launcher will be played by our friend Starcat…enjoy!” Wolfwood stepped aside to reveal Fish-Eye and Seiya standing in the middle of another generic field. Standing right between them was none other than Starcat herself.

“Hey Mr. Grouper!” began Seiya, “Want to see my awesome grenade launcher?” Seiya motioned towards the happily-smiling Starcat, who flashed the V-sign.

“Totally!” replied Fish-Eye, “Just remember, don’t point it directly at me, ok?”

“OK, and I promise I won’t forget whatever it is you just said” called out Seiya as he turned Starcat right towards Fish-Eye. Starcat then chucked a plasma grenade right at Fish-Eye, the blue-glowing ball latching onto the Amazon’s face right between his eyes. Fish-Eye immediately went into super-deformed, big-head, uber-freak out mode a second before the grenade exploded spectacularly.

“I forgo-ot!!” called out Seiya.

 

“The sad thing is,” stated Haruka, “I can actually see those two doing that in real life. I really do.” Rei.bot nodded silently in agreement.

 

The scene switched back to the upturned and burning Warthog where Wolfwood was standing.

“All rightie, end scene,” he stated, “Well, I hope you all learned a valuable lesson today about the need for proper safety with plasma grenades and maybe, just maybe, a little about yourself. Oh, I almost forgot the most important safety tip! If you have small children around or even very stupid adults...never EVER let them play with Covenant plasma grenades without proper supervision!”

“Hey guys,” asked a voice from off-camera, “What’s that hissing noise?” Wolfwood looked to the side, then facefaulted.

“Oh f$%k!! Seiya!!” Off to the side of the screen a massive explosion knocked the camera sideways and sent Wolfwood flying off his feet.

“Uh-oh,” mumbled Fish-Eye from off-camera, “It’s running time!”

“Ying did it!” added Seiya from elsewhere. Meanwhile, Wolfwood was slowly getting to his feet.

“If I survive this, I’m going to kill both of you…slowly,” he hissed. Suddenly, a slim girl in a blue and white fuku with long brown hair, a fluffy grey-furred tail, and wolf-like ears popped in.

“What are you two losers talking about?!” shouted Yinggirl, “I’m not even in this messed-up fanfic!!”

 

“Heh...explosions!” chuckled Artemis, “I want a few of those plasma grenades for myself.”

“You’re not thinking of trying to blow up Teddy Ruxpin with them, are you?” exclaimed Minako.

“No. I’m just thinking of how much fish I could make off with from the Tokyo fish markets,” explained Artemis, “Just think about it! With a few of those grenades I could hold the place for ransom and get paid in fish! It’s a win-win situation either way you look at it!”

“Feh. Plasma grenades,” scoffed Jedite, “The tools of weaklings who can’t harness such powers naturally.”

“This coming from a guy who got set up by Usagi to get run over by a damn jumbo jet?” retorted Haruka, “Big words coming from a small fry like you.”

“Shut up, Te’nou!!” shouted Jedite, “I was just trying to get her to lower her guard!”

“By getting skid marks put all the way down the length of your spine?” asked Setsuna.

“Shut up!!” screamed Jedite, “At least I’m not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!”

 

AND NOW FOR OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION...

 

“SILENCE!!” screamed Haruka, standing up and pointing at them both imperiously as the TV screen darkened again. The show had started.

 

C-Pov – the inside of a fairly large meeting room at Ginga TV. Inside the room a group of corporate executives were busy having a business conference. The corporation was none other than Di$ney.

 

All of the Suburban Senshi groaned simultaneously.

“Not *these* bungholes...” grumbled Hotaru.

 

“Has anyone seen the latest figures for this quarter?” asked the senior exec as he began the meeting. The other men and women in the room shook their heads. “Our profit margins are a full 10% higher than we’d originally projected. We creamed ‘em!” Everyone began clapping at the good news. “Headquarters thinks it’s time to take our operations here in Japan to the next step, starting with taking advantage of the pop-culture here. Particularly in the fields of anime and manga. I’ve brought you all here to brainstorm and come up with ideas on how Di$ney can continue to spread American ideals and at the same time profit as much as possible from the Japanese.” He suddenly frowned. “What is that smell?” he asked, “Do I smell onions?” They all looked around the room and saw two newcomers sitting off to the side who obviously didn’t belong there. The first was a teenaged girl with bright green eyes and short blond hair, wearing a green-skirted sailor fuku. Sitting next to her was a tough-looking dark-haired young man wearing combat clothing and whittling away on a fresh onion with a knife. Layers of onion peels littered the ground at his feet. The screen froze for a moment, and subtitles appeared identifying the girl as Sailor Quinox and the guy as Gunarm Dyne.

“Excuse me,” called out the senior exec. Dyne looked up from his onion whittling while Quinox was skimming through a magazine. “May I ask what you are doing in this meeting room?” Dyne just smiled.

“You may proceed, mon amie,” stated Dyne as he faced Quinox, bowing to her. Sailor Quinox stood up.

“I’ll have to start by apologizing for my friend here,” began Quinox, “He has a little thing for drama.” Quinox cleared her throat. “Di$ney! Created by Walt Disney way back in the early part of the 20th Century with a character first known as Steamboat Willy. Over the years Walt Disney evolved and further refined his characters, creating such memorable names as Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Goofy, Donald and Daisy Duck, Gladstone Gander, Scrooge McDuck, Huey, Dewy, and Louie, DarkWing Duck, Launchpad McQuack, Tinkerbell, Jiminey Cricket, Chip and Dale, and many, many more. Since it’s creation and subsequent incorporation, the Di$ney corporation has spawned dozens of full-length theatrical films, an equal number of TV shows, hundreds of music CD’s performed by the characters themselves, dozens of prime-time specials just in the United States alone, and a library of priced-to-own video cassettes and DVD’s, and let us not forget...theme-parks located around the globe naturally dubbed...Di$neyWorld. Did, uh, I miss anything?”

“You forgot Di$ney magazine,” replied the senior exec. Quinox immediately thwapped herself on the forehead.

 

“You forgot the magazine?!” called out Prof. Tomoe, “How could you forget the magazine, dumbass?!”

“Yeah! Everyone knows about the magazine!” added Setsuna.

“Doofus!” chimed in Haruka.

“You dumbo!” chided Minako.

“I don’t think that’s the appropriate phrase, Mina-san,” remarked Hotaru.

 

“Now,” continued the senior exec, “Is there a point to all this?”

“You,” began Quinox, her voice and face taking on a serious tone, “And your board are idolators.” Meanwhile, Dyne had gotten up and was walking by.

“I can’t believe you forgot about Di$ney magazine,” he whispered to Quinox as he passed by her. Dyne walked up to the senior exec and showed him the onion figure he’d been carving. “That’s you. Do you know much about voodoo? It’s a fascinating practice. No real doctrine of faith to speak of. More of an arrangement of superstitions. The most well-known of which...is the voodoo doll.” The camera focused for a moment on the onion figure as Dyne set it down on the table. “You see...” Dyne broke off as he suddenly sneezed. A few seconds of silence followed as all of the Di$ney executives just watched him closely. “...a mock-up of an individual is subjected to various pokes and prods. The desired result is that the individual will feel those effects.”

“Call security!” ordered the senior exec. One of the other people at the table leaned forward towards the conference phone sitting in the middle of the table. Before he could touch it, however, Dyne reared back his arm and threw the knife he’d been holding at the phone. With a loud crunch and the sound of something short-circuiting, the phone was rendered inoperative.

“All lines are currently down,” replied Dyne, smiling happily. Sailor Quinox suddenly got back to her feet, clearing her throat.

“Okay...” she began.

“Would you just knock it off!” retorted Dyne.

“You’re doing it again! What did we talk about?” warned Quinox.

“Aw, f^%$!!” cried Dyne, exasperated. Dyne sat down while Quinox resumed talking.

“You are responsible for raising an icon that draws worship away from the Kami-sama,” continued Quinox, motioning towards the gold-colored Mickey Mouse statuette sitting on the far end of the table. “You have broken the First Commandment. More than that I’m afraid not ONE of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like YOU...” Quinox pointed at one of the men sitting at the table, the camera focusing in on his face. “Last year you cheated on your wife of seventeen years eight times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were supposed to be home watching...the...kids.”

“In the bed that you and wife share, no less,” added Dyne, chuckling.

“YOU,” continued Sailor Quinox, pointing at a different person, “You got your girlfriend drunk at a party last year and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed to you in the morning. She killed herself three months later.”

“YOU!” The camera focused on a different man. “Disowned your gay son. Very compassionate! YOU! You put your mother in a third-rate nursing home and used the profits from the sale of HER home to buy yourself an oriental rug. Nice! And YOU! You flew to Thailand on the company expense account to have sex with an eleven...year...old...BOY!”

 

Jedite snickered and glanced at Hotaru.

“I guess we know where you’ll be taking your next vacation,” he remarked. Hotaru growled and flipped him off. Meanwhile, Setsuna’s face had turned bright red.

“How did she know about my trip to Thailand?!!” she whispered to herself.

 

“And YOU!” continued Quinox, “You okayed the production of a line of Di$ney-authorized Happy-Meal toys from materials that you knew to be toxic and unsafe because it was SURVEY SAYS?! Less costly! And YOU...!” By now Quinox was standing next to the one woman in the room. “Are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you!” Quinox then turned and walked over to the senior Di$ney exec and stood right next to him. “But you, Mr. Morden, you have more skeletons, and shadows, in your closet than this entire room put together. So many that I dare not even mention them out loud.” She then delicately leaned down and began whispering in the senior exec’s ear.

 

“Now go for the tongue-kissing and start making out with him!!” shouted Prof. Tomoe, “Get it on, baby!! Lap-dance!! Lap-dance!!”

“Aw dammit!” called out Michiru, “His brain is still back at Planet Hentai!”

“I think it’s always going to be back there,” added Minako.

“Probably along with all of his spare money,” added Hotaru.

 

The senior exec, Mr. Morden, suddenly burst out into tears and sobbed silently.

“You’re his father!” exclaimed Dyne, “You sick f$^%!” Sailor Quinox slowly walked out of the room, adding a sultry little sway to her hips as she closed the door behind her, leaving the Di$ney execs alone with Dyne.

“Well!” declared Dyne as he stood up, “Alone at last. You know, with the exception of only one of you, there isn’t a single decent human being in this room. Not one. Do you know what makes a human being decent? Fear. Therein lies the problem. None of you have anything left to fear any more. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind your false idol, far from judgement, lives shrouded in secrecy even from one another. But not from the Kami-sama.” Fixing them all with a scornful glare, Dyne started to leave. Just as he got to the door, he suddenly turned around. “Oops! Forgot my little voodoo doll.” He walked back over to Mr. Morden to pick up the carved onion figure, then stopped. “Wow. You know, it really looks just like you! I...you know, if I believed enough in this sort of thing...I wonder. I wonder.” The camera closed in, focusing on the onion figure as Dyne began passing his hands over it. Moaning and mumbling dramatically, Dyne kept moving his hands in the air directly above the figure. A few seconds later, Mr. Morden yelped and flinched as Dyne suddenly raised a fist and brought it down hard on the onion figure, squashing it flat and sending pieces spewing in all directions.

 

Scene switch. C-Pov – right outside Ginga TV as Teddy Ruxpin and Luna were sitting on a wall and nuzzling happily. All of a sudden, Teddy Ruxpin was flattened by an invisible force with such strength that he popped like a balloon, explosively spewing cotton stuffing in all directions. Luna was instantly knocked backwards by the force of Teddy Ruxpin’s flattening.

“Oh my goddess!” cried Luna, “They killed Teddy! You bastards!”

 

“MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” screamed Artemis at the top of his in mad, hysterical laughter, “Take that you wife-stealing sonofabitch!!!”

“They done killed Teddy Ruxpin!” exclaimed Haruka.

“GOOD!!!” shouted Setsuna, “I never liked him anyway.”

“How did they do that anyway?” asked Hotaru, “All that Dyne guy did was squash an onion.”

“Hmph,” retorted Jedite, “It wasn’t that impressive. They should have gotten Luna, too.”

 

The scene switched back to the meeting room when Mr. Morden was slowly calming down and Dyne was wiping the onion mush off his hand.

“I don’t believe in voodoo!” he told them all with a laugh. Shaking his head, Dyne left the meeting room, closing the door behind him and laughing. The various Di$ney execs looked at each other, started to calm down a little, and tried to get back to work.

Ten seconds later the doors burst open again as Gunarm Dyne stormed back in, carrying a fully-loaded pump-action shotgun.

“But I do believe in this!” he proclaimed. The meeting room immediately erupted into a panic as Dyne walked off camera. The camera remained focused on the doors, filming nothing of the obvious carnage as the air was filled with gunshots, screaming, and a sudden spray of blood across the door’s surface. “DON’T RUN! DON’T RUN! PIGS! PIGS! ALL OF YOU PIGS! PIGS! ALL OF YOU! IN THE BED YOU AND YOUR WIFE SHARE NO LESS!”

 

The entire Sub-Sen den erupted into wild, mad laughter as the carnage began. Even rei.bot was smirking in amusement.

“Yes! Yes!” screamed Jedite at the top of his lungs, “Get ‘em! Get ‘em! Get ‘em all!”

“Die, Di$ney bastards!” shouted Prof. Tomoe.

“O-hohohohohohohohoho!” squealed Michiru in delight, “I hope some of those guys are the ones responsible for creating the Sailor Moon dub!”

“Wasn’t it DiC that was responsible for that?” asked Minako.

“Who cares!” shouted Haruka, “Di$ney sucks ass!!”

“That’s way more than five shots!” called out Hotaru, “That guy’s going nuts in there!”

“Good! They deserve it!” cried Setsuna. Artemis was still laughing hysterically from the sudden unexpected pancaking of Teddy Ruxpin.

 

Sailor Quinox sat outside the meeting room, flipping through a magazine and listening to the sounds of shotguns blasting and Dyne ranting loudly as he summarily executed the executives.

“But I do believe in this?” she wondered aloud, “What does that mean anyway?”

“AND ONE TO GROW ON!!” shouted Dyne as he fired off one last shot.

 

The scene switched back into the meeting room, focusing in on a blood-speckled golden Mickey Mouse statuette. Dyne took one look at the statuette, then aimed at it and blew it to smithereens.

 

“YEAH!!” screamed Jedite, “Now THAT’S what I call a buzz-clip!” Professor Tomoe just headbanged wildly.

“No shit!” added Haruka.

 

Dyne helped a blood-spattered Miss Bryce to her feet and smiled at her.

“Gum?” he said, offering her a stick of gum. She slowly reached out and took the offered gum, staring at him in a complete daze. “It’s okay. You’ve done nothing wrong. These guys were pigs. You’re a pure soul. But you didn’t bless me when I sneezed!!” Dyne scowled and took aim with the shotgun.

“Dyne...!” warned Sailor Quinox from outside. Dyne stopped, then lowered his gun as he glared at the freaking-out Miss Bryce.

“You’re getting off light,” he warned her.

“Dyne!!” called out Quinox again.

“I know! I’m coming!” he shouted back. Gunarm Dyne quickly trotted over to the door. “You’re so lucky!” he called back to Miss Bryce as he left the room.

 

“Shoot her!” screamed Jedite, “Shoot her! Don’t give her the chance to mess up! Execute her now!”

“Kill...kill...kill...kill...!” chanted Tomoe. Hotaru sighed in disgust.

“Ugh! You people are insane!” she cried.

 

The scene switched again, showing the Spores as they rushed through the hallways of Galaxy TV. Chibiusa was still carrying the shotgun. Turning a corner and screaming, she pumped the slide and fired...scoring a direct hit on a water cooler which imploded on impact.

“Uh...yeah,” commented Expel with a vapid, confused expression on her face.

“Nice going,” commented FishEye, “You killed a piece of office equipment.”

“Kupi,” said NakoNako.

“Great shot there, kiddo,” added Morrigan over the radio, “Listen, you’d better pick up the pace and get your asses into Studio 4 ‘cause the Sporehunters just got more competition and you’ve got company.”

“What?!” cried Chibiusa.

 

The scene switched, showing a security cam image of Dartz, Raphael, Amelda, Valon, Mai Kujyaku, and ( oddly enough ) Anzu Mazaki from Yu-Gi-Oh. All of them had their duel-decks strapped to their forearms and all of them were jogging down the hallway, splitting up as they reached a junction. The scene switched again, showing the Sporehunters as they moved carefully down a different hallway, weapons ready.

 

“Why is the cast of Yu-Gi-Oh joining in this?” wondered Minako.

“Hey, they’ve gotta pay for all of those cards they use in their duels somehow, right?” replied Artemis.

“Dammit! I don’t see Seto Kaiba anywhere in their group!” snapped Jedite, “I want to see that Blue-Eyes White Dragon of his power-lunch that pink freak and shit her out its ass!”

Yeah! When Card-Monsters Go Bad!” laughed Tomoe, “Watch them mutate into lecherous tentacle monsters and turn on their owners! Hey, that gives me a brilliant idea for a new kind of daimon! Muahahahahahaha!” Setsuna merely groaned loud, reached back with her arm, and gave Prof. Tomoe a huge, resounding slap across his face.

“Hey! Don’t hit my father like that!” objected Hotaru, “That’s my job!” She quickly gave Tomoe a light thwap upside his head.

 

The scene switched back to the Spores as Chibiusa led the mad rush down the hallways. Helios was still hobbling a little from the rough treatment he’d received earlier, Nyanko was staying close to Helios ( mostly just to use him as a shield ), FishEye was looking a little nervous, and Excel was holding NakoNako by the horn and dragging her along faster than her little legs could carry her.

“Kupi!” protested NakoNako.

“Come on, little Kupi-thing!” stated Excel, happily, “Since Menchi seems to have disappeared on me, *you’ll* have to fill in for her as my emergency food supply!” NakoNako immediately sweat-dropped.

“Eeehhhhh! I need an ice-pack or something!” groaned Helios.

“Stop whining and keep moving!” ordered Nyanko, “You’re my emergency bullet shield!” FishEye suddenly pointed straight ahead.

“Look! There’s Studio 1!” he called out. Sure enough, the sign next to a door up ahead clearly stated that it was Studio 1.

“Yes!” hissed Chibiusa, “Our studio’s got to be around here somewhere!” As they kept moving down the hallway, they passed by the bathrooms. The women’s room door was suddenly kicked open and a short, scrawny guy with green hair and wearing glasses and a Duel-deck jumped out. It was Insector Weevil from Yu-Gi-Oh.

“Ha-haaaaaah!!” he screamed, “I’ve got you now, Spores!” He whipped out one of his cards. “For my first move, I now summon...!”

Brow-twitching a little, Chibiusa brought her shotgun up to her shoulder and blasted Weevil, literally blowing him out of his shoes and sending him flying backwards back INTO the bathroom he’d leapt out of. He slammed into the door so hard that he splintered part of the paneling.

“Hunting season is now open, jackass!” shouted Chibiusa.

 

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” screamed the Suburban Senshi in hysterical laughter.

“Idiot!” called out Michiru.

“What a dumbass!” added Haruka.

“I knew that would happen,” intoned Setsuna.

“Who *couldn’t* see that one coming from a mile away?” retorted Jedite.

“What the hell was that creepy freakazoid doing in the women’s bathroom, anyway?” wondered Minako.

“You don’t want to know...” intoned rei.bot, “Weevil is a big pervert...much like Tenchi’s dad.”

“Eh, one less pervert in the world,” replied Hotaru.

 

The scene switched, showing one of the hallways as the Sporehunters quickly moved through them.

“What the hell was that?!” demanded Leudast as the shotgun blast rang out.

“Probably one of those damn bounty jumpers getting their butt clobbered for chasing after OUR prizes!” retorted Starcat.

“That wasn’t too far ahead of us, either!” called out Shaldra.

“Hey, Morrigan,” asked Kakyuu over the radio, “Are there any bounties on the other bounty jumpers?”

“No,” replied Morrigan quickly, “If there was then Sporehunt would quickly transform into a war and that’s not what I want. The only exception was Excel and she’s a special case.”

“Yeah,” added Adam, “A *basket* case!” A few people burst out into chuckles.

“No arguments there,” commented Leudast. Meanwhile, Solarchos and Jupiter Knight had rounded a corner...and stopped completely with confused expressions on their faces.

“The hell...?!” demanded Solarchos.

 

Just around the corner was a small kitchen area where the Yu-Gi-Oh bounty hunters were hanging out. Mai was ravenously scarfing down some cake, Anzu, Dartz and Raphael were further down the hall checking doors and investigating cubicles, and Valon and Amelda were in the kitchen trying to satisfy their snack cravings. Valon was eagerly opening up a package of Jell-O while Amelda had just finished putting a Pop-Tart inside a microwave over.

“All right,” commented Valon, “Time for me to make some Jell-O! There we...what the f#$%??!! It’s already done!”

Mai suddenly retched and gagged on the cake she was gobbling up, spitting out a huge mouthful and rushing over to the refrigerator where she grabbed the first bottle of water she could find and washed the taste out of her mouth.

“Ugh!” she cried, “That’s not cake it’s *tofu*!! What the hell kind of sick joke is this?!”

Meanwhile, Amelda took his Pop-tart out of the microwave and took a big time, then grimaced.

“What is this?” he wondered out loud to no-one in particular, “What is this? I put this in the microwave for three seconds. I...I put this in the microwave for *three* seconds! That’s all it needs! It needs three seconds to warm up! It’s a pastry!”

C-pov – the camera panned over to where the Sporehunters were standing and watching the whole scene with growing expressions of confusion on their faces. Sweatdrops and face-faults were slowly but surely forming.

“Pastries...only need three seconds to warm up! It’s ridiculous!” ranted Amelda as he continued to freak out. “I can’t believe it. I really can’t believe that this is happening right now. My Pop-tart is still cold...after *three* seconds! My Pop-tart...is *still*...COLD!!!” With a loud scream of outrage, Amelda flung his Pop-tart into the nearest wall and proceeded to start hammering on the offending microwave oven. Valon and Mai quickly joined in and began bashing the hell out of the kitchenette, breaking and throwing everything they could get their hands on that wasn’t bolted down...and ripping out and flinging several things that were as they proceeded to take their revenge on the shoddy American appliances and crappy American food. The background music ( fast-placed classical opera ) was playing loudly as the carnage continued and now all of the Sporehunters as well as Dartz, Raphael, and Anzu were standing idly by and watching it all happen with massive facefaults. Just then Dyne and Quinox came around the corner.

“Hey you guys!” called out Quinox as she caught sight of the Sporehunters, “It’s about time we caught up with you. How are...you...THE HELL??!!” She and Dyne immediately joined everyone else in facefaulting at the scene before them.

“What the f&%^ are those morons doing??!!” shouted Dartz.

 

“Having a nervous breakdown choreographed with classical music?” suggested Artemis.

“Not a bad choice of music when you think about it,” commented Michiru.

“Those morons have too much time on their hands,” commented Haruka.

“Either that or their brains have been fried by the ink of their duel cards,” suggested Michiru.

“I’m guessing it’s the latter,” said Hotaru.

 

“Hey, buttf#$%er!!” shouted a young voice directly behind Dartz. Dartz merely smiled and turned around slowly to face her, smirking coyly.

“Ah, there you are Miss Chibiusa Tsukino,” he stated knowingly, “I expected you to show up sooner, but then again I overestimated your abilities...”

CHA-KLACK!! Dartz’ eyes popped open as he realized that Chibiusa was holding a pump-action shotgun aimed directly at his crotch.

“Overestimate THAT, bishie-boy!! BONG!” shouted Helios from further down the hallway. Snickering, Chibiusa pulled the trigger and was almost knocked off her feet by the recoil of the shotgun going off. Dartz, on the other hand, took a direct hit in his abdomin and was hurled backwards by the impact, slamming him into the wall so hard that he left a huge dent in the plaster, then crumpled to the ground, curling up in a fetal ball as he hit the floor.

“IT’S THE SPORES!!!” shouted Jup.Knight, “Let ‘em have it!”

“Gah!! The Sporehunters are here, too?!” screamed Nyanko, “Run for it!”

“Noooooo!” wailed Fish-Eye, “They’ll mess up by pretty face beyond all recognition!”

“Well, Excel’s not running this time!” shouted Excel as she stepped out into the hallway towards Anzu and Raphael. All of a sudden Excel was wearing a Duel-deck on her arm, much to the surprise of everyone. “It’s time to DUEL!!”

“What the frell?” demanded Solarchos.

“Say wha...?!” stammered Seiya.

“Since when does Excel play Duel Monsters?” asked Starcat.

“Since now, obviously,” replied Valon.

“Hey, stupid!!” shouted Mai, calling out to Excel, “You’re wearing your duel-deck *backwards * dumbass!!”

“Can I please blow her brains out now?” inquired Kakyuu.

“Nah, let’s wait a minute or two,” replied Raphael, “Let’s see just how bad that freaky redhead screws it up for herself.”

 

“And she WILL screw this up,” stated Haruka, “That’s a foregone conclusion.”

“So Excel plays Yu-Gi-Oh?” began Hotaru, “What kind of deck does she play anyway?”

“Knowing her, it’s probably an ACROSS deck,” said Artemis.

“What’s in an ACROSS deck, anyway?” asked Prof. Tomoe.

“Probably lots and lots of useless Puchuus,” replied Setsuna, “The carnage value should be nothing short of awesome.”

“Not to mention the stupidity exhibited by Excel,” added Jedite.

 

Anzu stepped up to Excel.

“All right,” she stated, “I accept your challenge. Your move!” Excel chuckled evilly as she drew her first card with a flourish. Down at the corner of the TV screen Excel’s life points appeared at 8000.

“For my opening move I summon Loyal Minion Ha-chan in attack mode!!!” shrieked Excel as she laid down her card into one of the slots on her Duel-deck. With a flash of light, Hyaat appeared before Excel wearing her usual purple and red outfit. Hyaat’s attack and defense points appeared as well ( dedodedodedodedo ) ATT : 1000, DEF : 1000.

“Hi!” stated Hyaat as she materialized, waving and smiling.

“Loyal Minion Ha-chan?!” retorted Anzu, “I’ve never heard of that card before!”

“Yes, it’s one of Lord Ilpulazzo’s own design!” gloated Excel, “If she’s ever placed in my graveyard, she’ll just reappear in defense mode at the start of my next turn!” Another huge hologram of a card appeared face-down near the floor. “And I’ll finish my turn by laying one card face-down!”

“THE HELL??!!” demanded all of the Sporehunters as they watched the proceedings closely. The Spores, meanwhile, were huddled amongst themselves for a few seconds…then they quickly dashed away.

“Dammit!” shouted Shaldra, “They’re getting away!”

“Huh?” asked Jup.Knight.

“What?” added Leudast.

“Criminey! We were so fixated on that bunghole Excel that we totally didn’t see them all leave!” cried Starcat angrily.

“KILL HER!!” shouted Solarchos as he raised his weapon and took aim at Excel’s head. Snickering evilly, Dyne, Kakyuu, and Leudast all took aim.

“Hold on there, folks,” began Valon as he raised his arm to block everyone’s line of sight, “Let’s make a deal here.”

“Such as?” inquired Adam.

“I don’t know about you people,” continued Valon, “But I’m in the mood to see what this Excel-bimbo’s made of.”

“It’d be interesting to see if she’s actually as pathetic as she looks,” added Raphael.

 

“Oh, she is!!” cried Hotaru, “She most certainly is!”

 

“Here’s the idea,” stated Amelda, “We’ll keep the idiotic red-head here busy while you guys take out the rest of her crew.”

“We’ll just keep her preoccupied for a bit,” said Mai, “I want to see how this duel ends.”

 

“So that afterwards everyone can point at Excel and laugh their asses off at her,” stated Haruka.

“I’d rather just smash her head open with a sledge hammer,” said Jedite.

“That’s assuming she loses this duel,” added Minako, “What if she wins?” Everyone just stared at Minako silently. Then burst out laughing at her while she fumed silently.

 

“So after the duel the time-out’s done and it’s back to the hunt?” asked Quinox. Amelda, Mai, Valon, and Raphael all nodded.

“Although, standard Sporehunt rules apply – if we catch her we keep the bounty!” stated Raphael. Solarchos just sighed.

“Fine! Whatever. The rest of the Spores are getting away!” he called out. All of the Sporehunters immediately took off down the hallway, skirting around Anzu, Dartz ( who was still alive and writhing around on the floor, completely forgotten ), and Excel as Anzu prepared to make her first move in what would probably be the weirdest duel of her life.

 

The scene switched, showing Insector Weevil laying on the floor of the women’s bathroom. His shirt was ripped up pretty badly, but no blood discolored it.

Stun rounds, even when fired by a shotgun, weren’t lethal. Weevil’s eyes popped open and he groaned loudly in pain as he sat up.

“Oh no!” he groaned, “They got away! Dammit! Where’d they go?! Bastards!!” All of a sudden one of the toilets flushed and a stall door opened.

“Don’t worry, young man,” stated a tall man wearing a tan business suit with bushy curly hair, thick glasses, and a huge mustache to match as he stepped out of the stall in question. “Those criminals will be made to pay for their crimes against this city.” The screen froze for a second on him and his name appeared in subtitles : Kabapu.

 

“What the hell’s he doing in the women’s bathroom?!” demanded Setsuna.

“Being a pervert?” offered Michiru.

“What, any more than bug-boy lying on the floor there?” added Jedite.

“Kabapu? Dammit! It’s not Nabeshin! I want Nabeshin!” snapped Haruka.

 

Weevil slowly dragged himself to his feet as Kabapu washed his hands, giving Kabapu an odd look as he did so.

“Uh…what are you doing here in the women’s bathroom?” asked Weevil.

“Tracking down those criminals who are a blight on this fair city,” replied Kabapu, “I am here to track them down and destroy them.”

“Track them down?” asked Weevil, “How? They could be anywhere by now.”

“I know what they’re thinking,” stated Kabapu confidently, “They must’ve taken the passages going further into the building instead of leaving and escaping into the streets where there’d be more places to hide. I know this. I was trained at FBI headquarters in Langley. I’m an expert at profiling!”

“An expert?” asked Weevil, somewhat impressed, “So where exactly in the building are they, expert?”

“Don’t worry,” replied Kabapu, “I’ll track them down easily. I’m also an expert tracker. I grew up at Yellowstone National Park in Canada. A natural born hunter!”

“A hunter?” asked Weevil, “So were are they now?”

 

“Hunt this!” snapped Jedite as he flipped off the TV.

“Canada?!” called out Setsuna, “Yellowstone National Park’s in the United States, not Canada!”

“Poser!” shouted Artemis.

 

C-Pov – directly at a door leading into one of the studios. Specifically, Studio Four. Beside the door a red light was glowing brightly. Next to the light was a sign clearly stating do not enter : filming in process.

The Suburban Senshi watched silently as slow dramatic music started playing. The camera switched to floor level as someone wearing black shoes shined to a mirror finish stepped out. The C-Pov switched again, slowly panning outwards across a massive kitchen. Counters and cookers ringed the perimeter of a huge circular room. A distinguished-looking middle-aged man slowly stepped out into the middle of a landing at the top of a short flight of stairs. The camera did a close up of the man’s face as he stared out across the set. At finely polished silverware. At crystal glasses. At succulent meats, spices, herbs, and vegetables. He then reached down, picked up a fresh yellow bell pepper, looked at it for a brief moment…then took a huge, sudden bite out of it, smiling broadly as he began to chew.

Chairman Takeshi Kaga of the Gourmet Academy then looked directly at the camera as it began to rapidly back away. The lights came on, showing the dozens of smartly-dressed chefs standing stiffly at attention within the huge kitchen area known around the world as Kitchen Stadium.

Iron Chef had begun.

“Holy crap!” exclaimed Haruka, “Did somebody accidentally record Iron Chef over part of Sporehunt?!”

“They’d better not!” snarled Michiru, “If that’s the case then heads will roll!”

“Who’s heads?” asked Artemis. Rei.bot promptly pointed at Jedite.

 

Meanwhile, Chairman Kaga began his opening statements.

“Kitchen Stadium has always served as the focal point of greatness,” he stated, “Every single chef who has entered and left this place has always been a person of exceptional skill and caliber. That ability, however, has always seemed to have been possessed by those who’ve honed it over decades of work and experience. Never before have I ever found such experience and ability possessed by someone as young as the one who joins us now. Let’s bring her out! Makoto Kino!!”

 

“Mako-chan!!” cried Minako happily, clapping.

“Makoto’s in this?!” exclaimed Artemis, “This is a surprise!”

“I knew this would happen,” intoned Setsuna. Rei.bot just rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, right,” quipped Jedite, “Next you’ll be telling us there’s rings around Ur-anus!”

 

Makoto Kino walked into Kitchen Stadium amidst applause from the audience. Smiling radiantly, she walked up to Chairman Kaga and bowed deeply.

“Welcome, young lady,” stated Chairman Kaga, “Welcome to my Stadium. You are not the first woman to have participated on Iron Chef, but are certainly the youngest. To find such a prodigy as you is rare indeed.”

“Thank you, Chairman Kaga,” replied Makoto, “I’ve always dreamed of owning my own restaurant, but I never imagined I’d get a chance to come here to Kitchen Stadium!”

“You have been considered by many to be one of the best cooks in Juuban Province,” said Chairman Kaga, “And the fact that you are so young makes that doubly impressive. But now comes the test. Are you ready, young one?”

“Hai!” exclaimed Makoto, “I’m ready for whatever the Gourmet Academy has!”

“Good! Your eagerness will serve you well. Now, let’s call upon the pride of Gourmet Academy : the three Iron Chefs. I summon the Iron Chefs!!”

 

The stadium darkened and the music started playing as the three Iron Chefs were slowly lifted up into Kitchen Stadium. Makoto watched with barely contained excitement as Iron Chef Japanese (Rokusaburo Michiba ), Iron Chef Chinese ( Chen Kenichi ), and Iron Chef French ( Hiroyuki Sakai ) made their ascent before her.

“Now I ask you,” continued Chairman Kaga, “Who do you choose to compete your talents against?”

“Chen Kenichi! Iron Chef Chinese!” cried Makoto, “I choose you!”

 

“What? Did he suddenly become a new pokemon?” remarked Haruka.

“Hey, it could happen,” replied Michiru.

“Yeah, his special power would be to slaughter and cook his opponents in various highly creative and delicious ways,” said Hotaru.

“In that case, I’d like to have one,” added Jedite.

 

Iron Chef Chinese quickly made his way down next to Makoto, bowing to her and shaking her hand. The two of them quickly put on their aprons and stood before the Chairman as he prepared to unveil the ingredient.

“For tonight’s match, I figured it was time to try out an ingredient that, while certainly edible and healthy, has long been received poorly by all who taste it,” stated the Chairman, “Tonight I stand in the presence of two masters. One young, one old. Tonight, we shall all see whether this ingredient can be successfully utilized by you both. Kitchen Stadium has always set the bar high for its competitors, and tonight shall be no different! We unveil the ingredient!”

 

The Suburban Senshi all leaned forward and watched in awe as Chairman Kaga whipped off the veil and tonight’s ingredient was shone to everyone. Amidst the usual fanfare, a finely appointed table laden down with huge cuts of meat ascended into Kitchen Stadium…

Unfortunately, sitting on the table was NakoNako, who just stared around in confusion. Hiding underneath the table were Chibiusa, Helios, FishEye, and Tin Nyanko. They all sweatdropped as their cover was blown instantly. No one, however, paid them any attention.

“Today’s theme is…!” proclaimed Chairman Kaga, “…HORSE!!” NakoNako immediately burst out into terrified screams.

“What??!” shrieked Helios, “Horse??!!”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!” screamed Nyanko as she stared out at the audience…and almost immediately caught sight of the Sporehunters sitting patiently, waiting for them to arrive. Shaldra and Quinox waved happily back at her. Kakyuu just gave her the finger.

“And now…AR’E CUISINE!!!” screamed Chairman Kaga as he began Kitchen Stadium’s newest battle…in more ways than one.

 

Intermission – Sporehunt will resume in Five Minutes

 

Jedite groaned loudly.

“Dammit! Just when it was getting good!” he griped. Minako burst out into loud wails.

“NakoNako…!!” she sobbed, “Those mean Sporehunters are going to blow her away on Iron Chef!!”

“If we’re lucky…” grumbled Michiru.

“Maybe they’ll cook Teddy Ruxpin, too!” added Artemis.

“Then they could blow away Excel on international television, too!” stated Professor Tomoe, “And people say there isn’t any quality programming on television any more! Muahahahahahah!!” Just then there came a knocking on the door. While Hotaru dashed to the bathroom, Haruka quickly went over to the door and opened it.

“Yeah, what?! We’re watching Sporehunt here…!” With a loud whap Haruka took a direct hit to the side of her face from an open-handed slap from Nephrite.

“YOU BASTARD, TEN’OU!!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, “You burned down my house!! It’s on now!!” With a huge kiai, Nephrite dove on top of Haruka and proceeded to pimp-slap the hell out of Haruka. Rei.bot smiled wryly.

“I knew that would happen,” intoned Setsuna. Michiru groaned loudly as the fight in the entry hall continued.

“Tell us something we don’t know that actually HELPS!!!” she shouted.

“All right,” replied Setsuna, smiling a little, “We’re out of toilet paper.”

“YOU COULDN’T HAVE TOLD ME THAT TEN SECONDS AGO??!!” screamed Hotaru from the bathroom.

“Not as fun,” intoned rei.bot as she continued to smirk, enjoying the antics of Hotaru’s frustration combined with Haruka and Nephrite pummeling each other senseless while everyone else watched.

Yes…tonight was going to be a night long remembered.

 

End of Part Eight

 

Will Excel actually win her duel against Anzu? ( Tomoe : “Kill her now and save her the humiliation!” )

Will Luna and Teddy Ruxpin ever marry? ( Artemis : “No! Never! I’ll claw that plushie bear’s eyes out myself!” )

Will another of the Spores fall to the Sporehunters? ( Michiru : “I’m voting out Chibiusa. I hope her death is slow and painful.” )

Will Makoto’s cuisine reign supreme in Kitchen Stadium?

 

Find out in Episode Nine of Sporehunt!!