GUESTS enter.
PIPE ORGAN chimes in.
SONG: They Might Be Giants (Which Describes How You're Feeling All the Time, 192kbps)
GROOM and BEST MAN enter, walking down the aisle to stand at the altar.
UNNECESSARY OTHERS (ie. ringbearer, bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc) dash over one another in a mad attempt to assume their proper places before the song is over.
SONG: Maaya Sakamoto (Garden of Everything, 160kbps)
BRIDE enters, walking down the aisle all stately-like. When she reaches the middle of the aisle, demons break out of the floor and attack her.
SONG: Seiken Densetsu 2 OST (Meridian Dance)
GROOM and GUESTS draw weapons and blow the ever-living hell out of the demons in a kick-ass fight scene.
SONG: Maaya Sakamoto (Garden of Everything, 160 kbps)
BLOOD-SPATTERED BRIDE resumes her walk down the aisle, joining the wedding party at the altar.
PRIEST lurches up from behind the altar, bottle in hand.
PRIEST: Oh gawd, is it noon already?
PRIEST looks around blearily, squinting at the crowd.
SONG: Painful Disharmonious Organ Chord (B flat, 320 kbps)
PRIEST screams in agony, dropping the bottle with a crash as he puts his hands to his ears.
PRIEST: All right, all RIGHT! Gods in heavens, I'm up!
BRIDE and GROOM look at one another nervously.
SONG: Maaya Sakamoto (Garden of Everything, 160 kbps)
PRIEST staggers from behind the altar and nearly trips on the pulput before coming to a slow halt. He stands at attention and zones out for a moment before focusing in on the BRIDE AND GROOM.
PRIEST: Sssho, ish thish an absholushun or ish thish a proper weddin'?
GROOM AND BRIDE IN UNISON: You're not that drunk.
PRIEST: Oh, but I wish I was. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the-
PRIEST is interrupted by a HORDE OF ATTACKING DEMONS.
SONG: Final Fantasy IV OST (Battle Theme)
GUESTS and GROOM band together to drive them off with superior firepower. PRIEST comes out from under the pulpit and resumes his previous position after checking the floorboards to verify the absence of demons.
SONG: Maaya Sakamoto (Garden of Everything, 160 kbps)
PRIEST: Deeeearly beloved, we are gathered here today in order to celebrate the union of-
PRIEST is interrupted by an ANGRY DEMON LORD.
GUESTS and GROOM band together in order to fight it off, succeeding only in stalling it. The BRIDE finds power she did not know she had and seals the ANGRY DEMON LORD away for another hundred thousand years.
When the dust has settled, PRIEST makes the sign of the cross, winces as though the gesture causes him pain, and stands back in his previous position. He speaks warily, glancing around again.
SONG: Maaya Sakamoto (Garden of Everything, 160 kbps)
PRIEST: Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today so that we may celebrate the union of these two-
SONG: Seiken Densetsu 3 OST (Nuclear Fusion)
PRIEST is interrupted by the CURSED WEAPON of one of the GUESTS achieving sentience and throwing off its shackles. It possesses its OWNER and attacks the gathering. GUESTS and GROOM and BRIDE band together to stop it, but the CURSED WEAPON is only put down when one of the other GUESTS confesses his/her love to the OWNER. When the PRIEST speaks reverently from his hiding position beneath the pulpit.
PRIEST: You know, I didn't have a hangover a few minutes ago, but I do now.
SONG: Maaya Sakamoto (Garden of Everything, 160 kbps)
WEDDING PARTY resumes its previous positions. MIKO is brought out and chants in the background, warding the area against spirits while the PRIEST pops a few asprin.
PRIEST: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the impending union of two of our own. This is not the first such union to occur in recent memory, nor will it likely be the last, but we might as well use each of them as an excuse to get drunk and hit on the women of loose moral character.
PRIEST raises his hands to the sky.
PRIEST: Oh dear Gods in Heavens, please do not smite me when I mention hitting on the women of loose moral character, as your servant is but human and is interested in propogating the clergy by any means necessary.
LIGHTNING rumbles threateningly.
PRIEST: Your blessing has been recorded by the scribes.
A SCRIBE begins tapping noisily at a cuneform tablet. PRIEST steps back and points accusatorily at the BRIDE.
PRIEST: YOU are the female of the species. You should get that looked at.
The PRIEST points accusatorily at the GROOM.
PRIEST: YOU are the male of the species. They have doctors for that, you know.
PRIEST produces a large bottle of vodka from a nebulous origin and takes a swig, shuddering as it goes down.
PRIEST: Together, the two of you possess the capacity to make babies. It may take a little genetic manipulation, given your origins, but they manipulate genes with your people all the time. It's like second nature! Besides, we've seen something that claims to be your spawn, and it isn't pretty.
PRIEST leers at the offspring in question, as it has decided to attend.
PRIEST: Tasty, perhaps, but not pretty by any stretch of the imagination.
OFFSPRING draws a Hattori Hanzo blade and moves to attack. PRIEST is only saved by the timely intervention of a bolt of lighting shooting down from the heavens.
PRIEST: The Gods defend their own! Such is a lesson to the infidels. We progress with the ceremony!
LARGE BURLY MEN appear from nowhere and cart the fried, twitching body of the OFFSPRING elsewhere. PRIEST affects a vague degree of sobriety as he continues.
PRIEST: In the old days, marriages were used as a concrete way to tie families together. The people being married seldom had any choice in the matter, and that was probably for the best. In modern times, though, there is no such mandate, leaving young people to flounder around without a clue as to who they should be wed to. Sometimes they hook up with one another and decide that they're going to make a more permanent union for purposes of sexual exclusivity and child-rearing.
PRIEST squints at both BRIDE and GROOM.
PRIEST: At least, that's what I THINK you're going for. There are other people who'd rant and rave about "true love," and "lovers fated to be," but you know what? There ain't no such thing. Destiny is a cheat. Magical ties are only there because we perceive that they must be there. Not only do Gods play dice with the universe, the dice are loaded.
PRIEST sweeps a wide gesture to the crowd.
PRIEST: Seriously! How many people here are immortal? How many of that fraction have really lived long enough to believe in love? And not this storybook attraction thing- not the love that comes from the touch of another. We're substituting attraction of the flesh for attraction of the soul, and we can only die a little more as a collective intelligence because of it.
BEST MAN: Are you done proselytizing yet?
PRIEST: Almost.
PRIEST takes a long swig of vodka before screaming in pain as the alcohol courses down his esophagus.
PRIEST: The only reason I came to do this thing at all was because I accidentally stabbed the previous priest five times in the back with a corkscrew. I feel obligated by the nature of ceremony to give a speech.
BRIDE and GROOM stare balefully at the PRIEST. The PRIEST brightens up.
PRIEST: But hey! We can be all nice and Christian or Hindu or Buddhist or Kwanzayic if that's what you want. Would you like some words from the holy scripture to back my point of view up?
The room is silent in response.
PRIEST: Very well.
SONG: Korn (Y'all Want a Single, 128kpbs)
PRIEST: From the book of GhazPORK, Second Annihilation, Chapter Eight Verse Manslaughter. (screaming into the microphone) "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT GHAZPORK THINKS!! GHAZPORK DOESN'T USE TOILET PAPER, HE USES LAWYERS!"
The WEDDING AREA resonates with the echo for a few seconds. Anyone with sensitive hearing is on their knees, trying desperately to keep the blood from spurting out of their ears.
PRIEST: From the book of GhazPORK, First Obliteration, Chapter Eight Verse Arson. (screaming into the microphone) "WHENEVER I WANT TO DO A GOOD DEED, I POOP IN A PAPER BAG AND PUT IT ON THE FRONT PORCH OF ONE OF MY FRIENDS!! THEN WHEN THEY OPEN THE BAG AND TAKE A WHIFF, IT WILL MAKE THEM FEEL WARM AND SMOOSHY INSIDE TO KNOW HOW DEEPLY I CARE ABOUT THEM!!!"
WINDOWS in the WEDDING AREA have shattered. One of the cat-children in the audience is weeping openly for the pain.
PRIEST: But I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself.
PRIEST tosses a dog-eared copy of The Catcher in the Rye that he's been reading from behind him.
PRIEST: In strictest formalities, I think I've covered everything I need to. You both want an exclusive sexual contract with one another, and you both want the ability to say you're married- for what that little tinge of an idea is worth- and you want the right to have as many little cat-children as you want. So be it! If you want someone to say the magic words to complete the ceremony, you've come to the right place and time.
SONG: Seiken Densetsu 3 OST (The Sacrifice, Part II)
PRIEST throws a puff of ash on his forehead and dances in a circle before turning to the BRIDE.
PRIEST: Do you, BRIDE, take this man here to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, in good plots and in hackneyed reruns?
BRIDE is leaning heavily on the GROOM, blood running down from her ears. She speaks as though she is deaf, which she may actually be.
BRIDE: WHAT?!
PRIEST: Close enough.
PRIEST wipes the ash off his forehead and throws a puff of ash on his crotch. He dances in a circle before turning to the GROOM.
PRIEST: Do you, GROOM, take this woman here to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, in both sickeningly adorable moments of closeness and vomit-inducing times of sappiness?
GROOM: What the hell is your problem?!
PRIEST: Close enough.
PRIEST does the hokey pokey. All five verses.
PRIEST: I pronounce you victim and rescuer. You may now smoosh your hearts out.
BRIDE and GROOM kiss, warily or not.
PRIEST: And I'm out of here! Exchange yer f'in rings later, I'm going to hit that buffet and the f'in open bar you guys paid for. WOOOOWEEEE.
PRIEST exists, followed by anyone who is there strictly for the buffet and open bar.
END CEREMONY
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