Minako's Happy Happy Hurricane Birthday Party!!
By Doctor Xadium • October 22nd, 2005
I
Fight!
Big Fight!!
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Ten'Aino House, October 22nd, 2005, Azabu-Juuban TokyoThe Ten'aino house was a beehive of activity. People were scurrying to and fro, carrying sundry items in something of a mad rush."Moh," Minako muttered, standing in the center of the livingroom, hands loaded with boxes and supplies. On her head, she wore a pointed cone hat that read "Birthday Girl". Sighing, she looked around. Normally, she was used to being the center of attention, but today, on her birthday, another woman had everyone's attention. A Typhoon named Wilma. The stupid thing had been scheduled to hit *on* her birthday, but now it had slowed down, meaning that all the preparations people would have made beforehand were now being made... in the middle of her party. Worse yet, both she and her husband had completely forgotten their future daughter's birthday on October 11th. Well, for that they probably could have been forgiven, since she wasn't due to be born for another several centuries, but they both knew the pain of forgotten birthdays and so had decided to double up the parties. This in and of itself was fine, but Setsuna was standing in the corner under a dark cloud, irate that her birthday-- the 29th of October-- was being studiously ignored by everyone in the room. Everyone, therefore, had decided to avoid her black gaze by busying themselves with the dual, simultaneous tasks of setting up a birthday party and at the same time weatherproofing the house. One might have suggested the simpler thing to do would be to invite her into the festivities, but, as Hotaru had so succinctly put it the night before, "no one likes a double-agent." Setsuna's record of playing the senshi against one another and sending them into harm's way whilst she stood around looking enigmatic and aloof had "cost her her happy birthday privileges," as Haruka had put it. This, of course was a total lie-- everyone had, as was tradition, utterly forgotten that Setsuna even really existed, much less that she had ever had a birthday, and having been called on it, they decided to turn the tables on her with a vague refrain alleging treachery-- which, while having some basis in reality, also allowed them to indulge their laziness. "Dammit nail PLYWOOD over the window OUTSIDE the HOUSE," Haruka yelled to Elios, who was covering the inside of the house windows with steel plate. "I only nail hot chicks, yo," Elios replied, pounding a nail into the wall. "Dis badass stuff rite here is gonna keep out da wind AND da pigs, yo." "Policemen?" Hotaru asked curiously. "Why would policemen be invading our home?" Haruka looked around with shifty eyes and moved out of the area for no discernible reason. Professor Tomoe and Jedite did as well, each for their own reasons. "Because I'm gonna be doin' sum serious lady-killin tonite!" Elios replied with a trademark leer as he ogled Hotaru, who had made for a couch, her features darkening. "Oh my gawd!" Sakura exclaimed, stepping out of her TARDIS. Her eyes were wide as she looked at Elios, jaw slightly agape "Do you know I've been researching the idiomatic idiosyncrasies of antediluvian English for simply centuries now and the etymology of the phrase 'lady-killer' has escaped me? But now I get it!! The term refers to the sounds of murder, which are mistakenly being attributed to the ecstatic screams of females in the throes of coupli--" "--That's enough, Sakura," Doctor Xadium quickly interjected, clamping a hand over his future daughter's mouth even as her mouth continued to move for a few moments. Sakura narrowed her eyes and her face took on a disappointed expression as she pulled the hand off her mouth slowly. "But po~~p," she half-whined pathetically, "it's just such a froopy fact I just figured out!" "Sorry, Saki," Xadium said, trying his best to sound consoling, when in fact he was glad that he had stopped her. The girl had this habit of going off on the most inappropriate tangents at times. "I'm glad *Sakura-chan* is having fun," Minako muttered, as Michiru passed her by and pulled off some duct tape from the top of the materials supply. "Don't worry," Xadium said, smiling softly and putting a hand on Minako's shoulder tenderly. "Soon the hurricane preparations will be complete and we can have the party." "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah look at it this way mom, the thing could have had a faster velocity and landed on top of us *during* the party," Sakura chittered excitedly. She paused and pressed a finger to her forehead as she pondered something. "Hey hey you know I've never been in an edifice being torn apart by 200+ kph winds y'know..." She smiled to herself. "The eventual erosion of the edifice due to the increasing instability of its inherent integuence would be interesting to investigate from the inside..." "You're insane, you know that?" Haruka asked Sakura dimly, passing by with some hurricane lamps and battery-powered radios. "You see, this is why living in a hole is the best." Jedite said, smirking, as he leaned on one of the livingroom walls, arms crossed, content to watch everyone else work, scurrying about, trying to secure the house against the ferocious winds of the oncoming storm. "Yeah because living in a hole and eating rats for lunch all day is *so much better*," Haruka remarked snidely, -placing the lamps in their designated spots carefully. "Picky diet standards are what's made you people so *weak*," Jedite retorted, thumping his chest with one hand. "When the nuclear apocalypse comes, *I* and the roaches will be the only survivours..." "And then it'll just be you?" Haruka queried with a snort. "I will grow fat with their protein," Jedite with a smirk. "Man there ain't gonna be no nuclear apocalypse," Elios ventured as he gave one of the steel plates a swift kick to test their strength. The plate resonated with the force of the impact and dented slightly. He judged that excellent. Stuff thrown by 200 kilometer per hour winds would not be a problem. "Of course there will," Jedite replied confidently, pointing to Hotaru, who was sitting in the corner with the strangest sort of smile playing across her face. "Perhaps this is the cleansing 'hand of god' come to wipe away the inequities and foolishness of man at long last," Hotaru muttered, looking into the middle distance and swaying a bit, her arms wrapped around herself as she lost herself in some kind of reverie. "Oh god she's back into End Times mode," Haruka sighed. "I haven't seen her like this for years." "You know she likes it, dear," Michiru chimed, as she daintily affixed some duct tape to some boards which did not need it. "She only does this to get attention." A slow, throaty laugh emanated from somewhere within Hotaru as she rocked back and forth. "Yo if she busts out da can opener of Silence imma gonna take my chances wit Wilma, yo," Elios said earnestly, looking over Hotaru with increasing worry for his life. "That's one woman you can't seduce," Haruka remarked matter-of-factly. "You'd know all about seducing big bags of hot air rite," Elios snapped back, staring at Michiru's derriere. "Haruka!" Michiru exclaimed, scandalized. "Defend my honour!" "Man, I'm busy..." Haruka began, grunting as she hefted a popcorn bag, preparing to lean back and test out the battery-operated TV set. Michiru's death glare was enough to get her to shudder, put the bag down and walk over to Elios. "Don't talk about Michi, like that, ass[BLEEP]!" Haruka exclaimed. "So [BLEEP]in' whipped," Elios shot back, as Jedite watched on in amusement. "The hell did you just say?!" Haruka snapped, rolling up her sleeves. "TIME FOR THE CAKE, EVERYONE!" Professor Tomoe exclaimed, totally ignoring the brewing conflict that was building. He wheeled in a large, frosting covered birthday cake that read "Happy Birthday Minako-chan!" stenciled in elegant calligraphic frosting on the top (along with "and Sakura-chan too!" stenciled in sloppy handwriting by Xadium some hours later). "Cake!" Minako exclaimed happily, showing the first signs of enthusiasm she had since the "party" had started, unceremoniously dropping the supplies eh was holding onto the ground, and heading hungrily for the dessert, drool leaking from her mouth. "Wait, wait, the candles!" Xadium interjected, getting a pocket lighter to light the 27 candles for Minako and the 18.7 candles (one for each century) for Sakura. Xadium froze as a scorching torrent of flame seared mere millimeters from the top of his head, lashing out and lighting all the candles. Swiveling around, Xadium saw rei.bot, holding out one smoking finger, smiling devilishly. She did love to torment him. "Thank you," the Time Lord said darkly. rei.bot did little to hide her amusement at his discomfort. "Now now, r-chan, no roasting pop," Sakura chided semi-seriously, with a chuckle. rei.bot simply smiled. "Now shall you blow out the can--" Xadium began, cut off as globs of cake smashed into his face, the result of Elios having been flung bodily into the thing by Haruka and Michiru. "My caaaaaaaaaaaaake!" Minako and Sakura both chimed simultaneously, adopting the same facial expressions and tone for a truly stereoscopic lament. "What are you doing!?" Xadium snapped, irate that the party for the two women he cared most about in the cosmos was being interrupted. But, as was typical, no one cared. A tense standoff was now in progress, Haruka with her Space Sword, Elios with his golden switchblade, Jedite with a black crystal and Professor Tomoe with a butcherknife of some kind circling each other warily, waiting for the right moment to strike. "Mom," Sakura whispered. "Maybe some of the cake is still edible if we can get the bits that haven't' touched the floor." Minako nodded eagerly, and grabbed a small plate making her way to the remains of the cake, eagerly using a knife to cut out a large piece. "Kami-sama!" Minako exclaimed, turning green and throwing up as she lifted the ridiculously part of the cake off. "What you usually don't regurgitate until after you've eaten too much," Sakura quipped. Then she saw what was in the cake and visibly paled. It took all her biocontrol to avoid throwing up too. Inside the cake, butt in the air, head buried in pasty and clad in see-through lingerie, was Chibiusa, who was passed out in some kind of diabetic coma. "She seems to have been eating the cake from the inside out, much akin to some kind of parasite," Sakura mused, observing various forensic clues. "And judging by the position of her left hand...." Sakura's voice trailed off. "I'll just be whipping up some more of ye old Anti-viagra now..." "So... that's not lemon frosting...." Xadium ventured weakly. Minako rewarded his astute analysis with projectile vomit. "I CUT YOU!" Tomoe exclaimed with a maniacal laugh as he ripped off his shirt, revealing his genetically engineered, chiseled torso, smashing Jedite and Elios' heads together with a satisfying crack. A stray ki blast incinerated the presents everyone had collected for both Sakura and Minako. The sounds of violence grew more intense as, with the sound of a cat's yelp of terror, Michiru and Setsuna leapt into the fracas, hands at each other's throats, screaming something about artistic aesthetics vs fashion design sensibilities. Like a flaming comet, Artemis flew out of the battle zone and slammed into Minako, who caught him and tried to convince him to give her another item for her birthday. "But my intestines are empty," Artemis whined. "I made you a present this morning, and they blew it up!" "But they're magical intestines!" Minako protested. Sakura, for her part, leaned on her TARDIS and watched the house descend into utter chaos, a twinkle in her eyes as she assessed all the variables of the situation. | ||
II
Red
Rover
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"Oh by Rassilon, this is driving me insane," Xadium muttered under his breath with a sigh as the battling continued relentlessly. Minako, for her part, was standing in the corner taking bets with Artemis on who would win. The party itself seemed to have been forgotten.
Sakura raised an eyebrow, her sensitive hearing picking up the exasperated utterance easily. She smiled to herself for a moment and walked over to her father with a jaunty gait. "Don't worry, pop, I'll handle it," Sakura chirped, slapping Xadium on the back enthusiastically. Xadium looked at his daughter and smiled softly, the bright enthusiasm in her brown eyes counterpointed by the slight hollowness in his. "What's up, pop?" Sakura asked quietly, sensing his sadness. "Sorry this had to happen on your birthday party, Saki," Xadium apologized, his figure hunching forward slightly in a defeated posture. He hadn't really gotten to know his future child well, and her happiness was something he wanted to ensure. But now it seemed like everything was going to pieces. "Heh!" Sakura chortled amusedly, leaning on her father and resting her head on his shoulder. "This is great fun!" she whispered happily even as a the brawl got more violent with the addition of Chibiusa and a battery-powered banana to the fray. Xadium looked at his daughter askance, tilting his head and looking sideways into her eyes to see if she was just putting up a front. "Sakura, I know you just wanted a happy birthday gathering." "Hee~" Sakura replied, pulling away from her father's side and cracking her neck slightly, the warm mirth in her voice unmistakably genuine. Standing at arm's length facing him, her back to the fray, she put her hands on his shoulders reassuringly, leaning forward a bit to lower her height so she could match his eye level. "Pop," she began with a smile, "Situations like this silly squabble smashing our solitude are simply solved by supplying a sufficiently salvific stimulus, you should know tha~at." Xadium blinked as Sakura let go of him and turned away, walking up to the arguing crowd. Her abuse of alliteration made him cringe sometimes. Wherever had she picked up that astonishingly aggravating aptitude? "Hey GUYS!" Sakura yelled cheerily, her voice filling the room for an instant and causing all eyes to turn her way. "Ya skankura!?" Chibiusa exclaimed, looking up into the face of the tall blonde angrily, red eyes flashing, fists trembling, clearly irate that her knifefight was being interrupted. "da FICK ewe ewnt!?" Sakura smiled brightly, her expression never wavering. She looked Chibiusa over for a moment and turned her gaze to the others, brightly pronouncing, "This is a party, right?! And what party is complete without GAMES!?" Everyone looked at her blankly, about one millisecond away from returning to their fight. Sakura knew her window of opportunity was very slim, so she kept on babbling, hoping to stun them into compliance with her simple scheme. Waving her arms out to the side broadly, she continued, "and you know what the bestest game of them all is? The bestest game of them all in the pantheon of party pleasure is the redoubtable RED ROVER!" Blank stares met Sakura, but she didn't care, stepping forward and arbitrarily taking hold of the combatants, separating them into two camps as she spoke. "Don't understand what Red Rover is? That's ok I'll give you all a crash course- see the point is you break into two teams and--" "I don't do teams," Jedite interjected darkly, turning away from Sakura and bring his interlaced gloved fingers back up in front of his chest, cracking his knuckles and preparing to brain Haruka. "I do teams but only if dey be fly chicks, yo," Elios absently added, leering at Hotaru and Chibiusa with an elevator-like gaze. Both women glared back harshly, much to his hardening delight. "--and then these two teams make battle lines--" Sakura continued rapidfire, ignoring the interjections. "...Battle?" Jedite asked, suddenly turning back to face her, a note of interest tingeing his voice. "--Battle", Sakura repeated, nodding with a smile, letting the seductive work sink into Jedite's brain. "You hold hands and stretch out to make a barrier line--" "Holding hands, hell yeah!" Elios exclaimed, grabbing Hotaru and Chibiusa's hands and starting to form a line with them. Hotaru angrily broke away with a slight snort of disgust. The others subconsciously began to form lines, Haruka, Michiru, Hotaru and Professor Tomoe on one side, and Elios, Setsuna, Chibiusa, Motoki and Jedite on the other. Minako started to head for the lines but Xadium stopped her with a gently restraining hand to her shoulder. "Moh..." she protested, narrowing her eyes and planting her hands on her hips as she pouted at her husband. "I want to play Red Rover!" "No, I don't think you do," Xadium replied, nodding at Sakura, who was wearing an entirely too-pleased expression on her face as she continued rattling off the rules of Red Rover. "--Then you get 25 feet apart and then start the confrontation by saying "Red Rover, Red Rover, send (someone's name) over. After that that, that person called will charge the enemy line, and if they can break through the line they can draft one person from that team to theirs; if he can't he gets drafted to the other side. The one team with the most players added wins." Sakura had barely finished when Motoki screamed "RED ROVER RED ROVER SEND HARUKA-KUN OVER!" "Hey who da hell made you leader?!" Elios spat angrily, but it was already too late. Haruka, ignoring Motoki's obvious infatuation, cracked her knuckles, transformed and SMASHED into the line with a running tackle, crashing into Jedite and knocking him back through a rear wall even as Motoki stood alone, arms out, eyes closed and lips puckered, waiting for a kiss that would never come. "NOW BRING HIM BACK TO US, HARUKA-KUN..." Professor Tomoe began, his voice trailing off slowly even as the sounds of raging battle could be heard outside, the house shaking a bit as a large mushroom could explosion rocked the neighborhood. "OR NOT..." he concluded, his wide crimson grin turning into a kind of slow motion facefault. "RED ROVER RED ROVER BRING MY SETSY-KUN OVER!" Tomoe exclaimed, laughing maniacally as Setsuna bounded off the line and flew into his arms, the two of them bowling over as she pinned him to the ground. Sakura's grin remained on her face as she whipped a blue tarp out from under her vest, dropping it over the couple even as the sounds of heavy breathing, ripping fabric, and grunts of quietly maniacal laughter began to issue forth from under it. Everyone in the room did their best to ignore the writhing tarp which began to assume a kind of triangular shape at one end. "Red Rovah, Red Rovah, bring my goth hotness Hotaru-chan rite ovah!" Elios rapped, a leering grin forming on his face. "Elios-kun only has one expression on his face," Minako observed, shaking her head in a sort of resigned gesture. Hotaru shrugged and slowly walked over to Elios, her hips swiveling seductively as she did so. "I didn't know she would walk like that," Minako muttered, mouth hanging open slightly. Xadium wisely kept his mouth shut, but mentally echoed similar sentiments. Hotaru sidled over to Elios, and placed her fingers on the front of his shirt, trailing them down sensually. "Oh yeah, baby, rove all ovah me," Elios gasped. Hotaru moved her hand down lower... lower... ...lower... Elios let out a sigh as his eyes began to roll back involuntarily as her fingers found their mark. "Err..." Sakura began, sweatdropping, not having foreseen this course of events. Then, the fist clenched. "GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRGGGGGGG GGHHHHH!" Elios screamed out in agony as Hotaru, with a dark smirk on her face, violently crushed away. "Now that, I foresaw," Sakura snorted, breaking out in a grin as Elios began to swear uncontrollably, hobbling out the hole in the rear wall. Hotaru, for her part, left the game and sat on one of the couches. "Hshshshssh wi win," Chibiusa exclaimed as she stood next to Motoki, whose eyes were still closed, lips still puckered waiting for Haruka's kiss. Michiru stood alone on the other side of the line. "What an asinine game," Michiru spat, wrinkling her nose, stealing glances at the undulating tarp from time to time, sweating slightly. She turned her back to Chibiusa and Motoki and sat on another couch, crossing her legs and jutting out her chin in a display of elegant disdain. Xadium couldn't help but smile. Sakura's ploy had eliminated most of the troublemakers, one way or another. | ||
III
Peace
and quiet
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Some minutes later"So what now," Michiru muttered absently, casting her gaze to the hole in the wall, then over to the splattered remains of the tainted birthday cake, which Motoki was happily eating, a ring of frosting around his smiling face."This is really really good cake!" Motoki exclaimed. "You don't want to know where that's been," Minako said dimly as Chibiusa smiled broadly, looking over Hotaru's shoulder. The older girl was sitting on the sofa looking over at Sakura tiredly. "Apologies about the party, Sakura-chan," Hotaru exhaled tiredly. "But as a long-time veteran of this household I can tell you, it is a rare day indeed when a party passes without incident." "Yes, I recall that time when a flock of Emos invaded the house," Michiru added, nodding to herself. "Surely you mean Emus?" Sakura queried, flapping her arms slightly, "y'know, the large flightless avian thingies." "I mean what I say, dear," Michiru rebuked. "Emos, like Hotaru-chan here." "I am not Emo...." Hotaru replied tiredly under her breath, tossing her raven-black hair and sighing. "Apologies, dear, you are goth." "I'm not GOTH!" Hotaru snapped, her pale, frail delicate hands balling up into fists as she pounded them against her black-clad thighs. "Of course, not, dear," Michiru said in her most polite, regal, condescending tone." "GRAH!" Hotaru growled, stalking upstairs, the door to her room slamming shut. Some plaster fell from the ceiling. "Much better," Michiru said with an elegant smile. "Her foul temper was poisoning the atmosphere." Sakura and Minako and Xadium just looked at each other as Michiru chuckled to herself. "GOD thif froshing if god," Motoki mumbled, continuing to ravenously stuff it into his mouth. "ewe lik it?" Chibiusa asked with an evil grin, stepping over the writhing tarp, which caused a sharp chuckle of yelp of joy to issue forth from under it. Xadium looked to Sakura. "Err, that Anti-viagra would be most helpful at this moment..." Sakura looked at her father helplessly. "It takes time to synthesize..." "We don't have another tarp, you know," Michiru said somewhat helplessly as she knew what was probably coming. "Oh, to hell with this," Hotaru could be heard saying, stomping down the stairs with some kind of green suit in hand. As everyone watched, slack-jawed, she proceeded to walk over to Chibiusa and athirst the green outfit-- a turtle costume-- onto her, covering her completely. "wat da fick1?" Chibiusa yelped. There was a feral growl from the corner with the exploded cake as Motoki turned, frosting dropping like rabid foam from his lips as his gaze locked onto the short, feminine-looking turtle before him. "O... sit!" Chibiusa exclaimed, turning tail and running as Motoki leapt for her with a roar. Hotaru made a washing-hands gesture as she closed her eyes, raised her chin and proceeded back upstairs, mission accomplished. Chibiusa's screams of terror could be heard as she escaped outside through the hole in the house, Motoki following close behind in hot-blooded pursuit. "Whoah," Minako muttered in something of a daze. "Now the shoe is on the other boot." "Foot," Artemis, Xadium and rei.bot reflexively corrected all at once. "That too," Minako muttered, not seeing it. "Such a... nice party," Michiru started tentatively, feeling out of place in the filthy surroundings, the unholy sounds of pleasure from under the tent, the brawling outside and Chibiusa's mad rush all around the house unnerving her delicate, elite sensibilities. "Y-yeah," Artemis replied, missing Hotaru. "Michiru," Haruka panted, entering the room through the whole in the wall, hunched to one side, blood covering her arm, clothes torn and shredded. "Haruka!" Michiru exclaimed with a mixture of joy, fear, loathing and desire at seeing her sweaty, overworked fiance. "I won, baby," Haruka grinned. She pumped her fist in a "victory" gesture and tossed Minako some sunglasses. "Happy b-day neko," she said suavely. "Where did you get these?" Minako asked, as Michiru rushed to Haruka's side like what'shername to Ash on the cover of the Army of Darkness movie. "Pegasus was the Pinata," Haruka grinned. "Amazing, the s[BLEEP]t that falls out when you hit him." "Oh, Haruka..." Michiru exhaled, looking up at her with unmitigated want. "You are so... forceful." "Later, kids," Haruka announced, watercolor surrounding her for a moment as she grabbed Michiru, took her out into the sun and leapt up to the second story window. The sound of hurricane-proofing shattering could be heard, as well as the thump of two people landing in the upstairs bedroom. "Yay..." Minako muttered as plaster began falling from the ceiling, and other, doujin-worthy noises began to filter downstairs.
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IV
Epilogue
One more Year
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"So much for the party," Minako said softly, tiredly, as she leaned on Xadium's left shoulder, the two of them sitting on the floor in front of the plush red Venus sofa.
"Yes," Xadium muttered, idly tossing some of Haruka's dropped buttery popcorn on the writing blue tarp in the center of the room. "You think that was the 'congress of the cow' or 'a pair of tongs?' Sakura asked as she made some notes in her field journal, leaning on her father's right shoulder, which also held Artemis, who was peacefully snoozing. "twister position #8," rei.bot informed Sakura as she sat cross-legged next to the girl she called her "pet". "Ahh yess," Sakura noted distantly, making note of the information. It would come in useful for an anthropology paper she was writing. "Ahh well," Xadium began, putting an arm around both Minako and Sakura and hugging them close (nearly crushing Artemis in the process). As he did so, Sakura hugged rei.bot with one arm, tipping her sideways and next to her. "At least we have each other-- and that's something to be grateful for." "It sure is, pop," Sakura agreed, a twinkle in her eye.
The End"But I wanted cake...." Minako protested. "Next year," Xadium promised.
The End. Really."Me toooo~" Sakura whined. "Sakura you're 1879, act your age," Xadium chided. "Aww pop you always say that when you wanna gyp me outta stuff."
The End (C'mon you guys!)"Here's to another wonderful year with the both of you," Xadium said with a smile.
Never The End
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